


Reteach Me

by Jay2Noir



Series: Teach Me Trilogy [2]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - Parents, Back to Back Orgasms, Cesarean Section, Cheating...I guess?, Childbirth, Complications during childbirth, Custody Battle, Discussion of Abortion, Exile, F/M, Father-Son Relationship, Forced Pregnancy, Kid POV, Kidnapping, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Minor character Finn, Multiple Orgasms, POV Kylo Ren, Parenthood, Past Abuse, Premature Birth, Protective Kylo Ren, Rape, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sexual Abuse, Tag As I Go, Twins, Unplanned Pregnancy, Wall Sex, boy/girl twins, breech delivery, excessive cum, father/son bonding, premature baby, twin pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-01
Updated: 2018-02-11
Packaged: 2018-12-22 07:51:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 32
Words: 129,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11962995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jay2Noir/pseuds/Jay2Noir
Summary: Finally out of the clutches of your husband, Kylo Ren, you try and make peace with your past. Everything is going great, your friendships, relationship, and just your sense of the Resistance community in general. That is, until you find out Kylo isn't really gone from your life. Devastated wouldn't even begin to describe how you feel, but you must press on. If not for yourself then for everything and everyone you have worked so hard for.Free from The Last Jedi spoilers!!Strongly recommended that you read the first work in this series.





	1. The Red Sea

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to installment two out of three of my first series. I hope this one lives up to its parent work.
> 
> Check out the [Pinterest](https://www.pinterest.com/jennifernoir/reteach-me/) board for this story!

The Commander sat straight up in his bed. His chest was on fire, he could hardly breathe and his skin was broken out in painful goosebumps. He started wheezing, attempted to gulp in air but he found that his body wouldn't perform the action. Sweat fell from his brow as he threw the sheets off of him and stumbled his way to his bathroom, unsure of what else to do. He was taking in very little oxygen at this point and was feeling dizzy and nauseous.

He held onto his sink with an air tight grip, as if the sink held his life itself. Was this another nightmare? No, it couldn't be. He was awake, he was wide awake and feeling this pain in real time. Kylo heaved, trying to expel whatever it was that was ailing him from his body. Nothing was working, in fact he began to suffer even more. He began screaming as his skin started to prickle, gradually turning into what felt like someone ripping his skin off. Soon, his skin was burning, feeling as if acid was being secreted from his glands and melting his skin away. His face was turning red, and he looked to the man in the mirror for help for his reflection was the only person there.

He was shaking in agony, the pain now causing him to hallucinate his teeth an hair falling out. He was terrified, and he didn't know whether he was going to live or die right here in his bathroom. “Hel-help me!” He said to no one in particular. “Please, help me!”

Just as strangely as the phenomenon started, all of his symptoms vanished. He stopped shaking, stopped holding onto the sink and just felt his face, feeling the need to confirm that his skin had not slipped off of his bones. His entire body was now covered in a fine layer of sweat, his hair was damp and darker than usual. He relaxed, saw that he wasn't dying and let go of the tension that built up in his muscles. He looked to the mirror again, his eyes blood shot with bags hanging below them.

“What the hell just happened to me?”

 

–

 

“You've got nothing to worry about.” You had finally let go of your breath when you heard what Rey had to say. “You really mean it? That test...it says-”

“It says nothing, sweetheart.” She was smiling ever so sweetly at you while she held out the test for you to take. You jumped up, swiftly grabbing the small stick from her and saw that the first window said “not pregnant,” the second window had a line and the third had an identical line. You breathed in and out heavily once or twice, Rey placed her hand on your shoulder reassuringly. “Are you alright?” She asked you, you had finally found it within you to nod. “I'm, um, doing a lot better than before the...thing.” You giggled, she giggled, then you walked toward her kitchen. “Can we get back to celebrating now? I kinda need a swing.” Rey laughed at you as she chucked the negative test into a nearby trash bin. “Well swing, but leave some for me. After all, you did make me hold that thing that you pissed all over.”

That night you and Rey nearly got black out drunk. Finn got off from work and came to pick you up just in time to see you sleeping on Rey's kitchen counter and Rey was asleep on the floor right below you.

 

Weeks went by and you never gave your pregnancy scare another thought. You spent most of your days picking up odd jobs around the base for a few credits here and there, your nights you spent mostly curled up next to Finn fast asleep at either your or his house. You were never alone, once you and Finn decided to become a thing he made sure he was always with you at night. When he was with you the nightmares of Kylo Ren were never present.

One morning, the morning you promised to chaperone a field trip for the preschool aged children on the base at the nearby zoo, you woke up feeling ill. Your stomach felt full even though you hadn't eaten since 6 pm the previous night, there was an odd metalic taste in your mouth, and you just generally felt nauseated. As you were getting dressed Finn was speaking to you about something with his job, something that you didn't really pay attention to. “Baby, are you feeling okay?” He interrupted his story to check on you.

“Yeah, yeah I'm fine. I guess I'm just nervous about this zoo trip.” Your stomach grumbled and you bit your lip since it caused you pain. “You look terrible. Maybe you should call in. I'm sure the teachers won't mind your absence.”

“Gee, thanks.” You chuckled, fiddling with your wedding ring under the sleeve of your sweater. You were long over Kylo Ren, but just couldn't seem to rid yourself of this last possession he gave you. It meant nothing, but at the same time it meant everything to you. It was a reminder of everything you had survived over the past year, it was everything you had conquered, everything that tried to bring you down but you didn't allow it. It was a materialized symbol of your strength that you could hold in your hand.

Finn didn't often bug you about it, he knew that Kylo was no longer in the picture and the ring was no longer a symbol of your love for him. He just didn't understand why you chose to still wear it. He encouraged you to just leave it at home in a box, or tie a string around it and wear it as a necklace. He didn't like the fact that you wore it as a wedding ring to a tyrant when it clearly wasn't a wedding ring anymore. You always apologized to him when he brought it up, it was one of the only things the two of you would argue about. But you never had an answer, you just preferred to wear it on your ring finger.

“No, Finn. I'm okay. It's probably my period coming in finally.” You did have a few light cramps the other day, a tiny bit of blood stained your underwear as well. You were hoping it was coming then and there but when the bleeding didn't continue you were vexed. It would have to be coming soon, there was no other reason to be bleeding like that.

“Well if it doesn't maybe you should see a doctor.”

“Maybe you should mind your damn business.” You laughed as you put on your hiking boots, Finn was always worrying about everything. “I'm serious, lovely.” Your eye involuntarily twitched as he said that name. His pet name for you had always been baby, this was the first time he had ever called you anything different. It was so similar to the nickname Kylo had given you, you slipped your wedding ring off of your finger just at the reminder. “You're telling me all of these things and they don't sound normal. Plus, remember all the pain you were in the other night?” He was referring to the last time the two of you had sex. You were in an incredible amount of during and after the deed, you told him you had felt like a virgin again.

“Look, I may not have been allowed to have a girlfriend during all my years in the Order, but I do know that what's going on with you is not right.”

“Well, what do you think is wrong? Do you think you knocked my uterus out of place with that huge cock of yours?” You rolled your eyes as he giggled at you. I mean, you told him your test was negative and you told him it had been a long time since your period, it was probably just coming and it was going to hit you hard since you hadn't had it in such a long time. Finn had no clue what he was talking about, he wasn't a woman.

“All I'm saying is there's something that's not right in here.” He took his pointer finger and circled it around your womb. “I'm worried about you, y/n. That's all. You're obviously in pain and there's nothing I can do to fix it.” You stood after putting your other shoe on and noticed he was reaching out for you. You gladly accepted his embrace, hugging him back and resting your head on his shoulder (something Kylo was too tall for). “I know, thank you.” You two fell out of each others arms and you started walking toward his front door. “If it makes you feel better I'll go see a doctor next week.” You offered, you felt bad for Finn and he had quite the point. You figured if you weren't going to grant him his wish about your wedding ring then you'd grant him this victory. Finn thanked you, kissed you on the cheek, then sent you off on your new adventure at the zoo.

 

You had never been to the zoo before, and you felt like if you had went without ten screaming munchkins you would have enjoyed it so much more. It was you and three other teachers, it was cold and the zoo was packed. You split the children into three kids with your group getting a fourth child. Eli was in your group, he was happy to see you and wanted to hold your hand the entire time. All the children had back packs on filled with water bottles and snacks, you held the bag of medications that each child would need if something went wrong. Even though you had eaten some scrambled eggs and a piece of toast that morning you were starving. You almost wanted to reach into Eli's back pack and take out some of his gold fish and eat them while the five of you were walking around.

All four of your kids wanted to run in four different directions (Except for Eli who would rather run in another direction with your hand in his). You found yourself yelling each child's name every thirty seconds to keep them in line. If they weren't all running in different directions they were either complaining or crying about something. “My knee hurts!” “My tummy hurts!” “I want to go over there!” “I got bit by a mosquito!” Your patience was wearing thin, and although you hadn't actually gotten a chance to contemplate it a whole lot, it made you nervous knowing that this was your first time off of the base since you became a protected member of the Resistance. You held onto Eli's hand, you had more control over him than you had over the other three children and your own thoughts.

Everything had gone smoothly for a while, until you got to the Porg exhibit. You managed to round up the children and line them up in front of the glass where they could look at the small animals walk around. They were mesmerized by their huge eyes and thin legs. “Miss y/n? Why do they look so sad?” The little girl of your group commented on the Porg's mouth. As she did you noticed there was a man standing behind you. You saw him in the reflection of the glass staring right at you. “I-I don't know, I think it's just the way they look.” The two of you had your eyes locked through the reflection, he was staring at you intently, his mouth was agape and his eyes were wide.

You started to panic, grabbing a hold of another childs hand you started to move away. “Come on kids, time to go. We need to go see the Eopi!”

“No! I want to look at the Porgs!” The little boy that you had grabbed ripped his hand out of yours and looked back to the Porgs. You looked over your shoulder and saw the man walking closer and closer to you. Who was he? Why was he so infatuated with you? For all you knew he was an undercover First Order member who had just recognized you and was ready to take you back to Kylo. “Come on, we have to go!” You took ahold of the same childs backpack and started walking off, shouting for the other children to come along. The defiant child started to cry, bringing more attention toward you and your small group. Your stomach churned, the feeling of nausea was even heavier now and you just wanted to get out of this situation.

“Hey!” The man shouted, you jumped and turned back around, he was running toward you with his hand in the air waving you over to him. “Miss y/n! That guy wants to talk to you!” Eli stopped walking and started to turn toward him. “Hey! Miss! Hey!”

“Eli come on!” You yanked him back toward you just as the other children started to whine about not moving again. You were dizzy and could feel the sweat seeping from your brow. You wanted to cry, but felt like it wouldn't do the situation any good with four children surrounding you. “I need to talk to you! Hey!” Before you knew it the man had caught up with you and was squeezing your arm. “Kids! Behind me, now please!”

“But Miss-”

“NOW!” You yelled at the top of your lungs, by now every one in the surrounding area had stopped to pay attention to what was going on with you and your group of kids. As it turned out, when you raised your voice every one of your kids would obey you. All four of them were now standing in a line behind you, looking up at the man that stood dangerously close to you.

“What-What do you want?” You said, feigning bravery. Because the children listened so well to you yelling you halfway yelled at him, if you kept the public's attention on you and your group this man may not try to harm you, or whisk you away or anything of the sort. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. You're just....you're Kylo Ren's wife!” Your eyes widened and it felt as if the blood stopped flowing through your veins. “What?!”

“You're the woman that married Kylo Ren! I had to stop and talk to you!” How did this man even know you were tied to Kylo? You had never had any photos taken of you, the ceremony was done privately in front of the Supreme Leader, and he kept you locked in his quarters for godsake, no one but the people in the Resistance should have known you were ever even associated with the First Order!

From the surrounding crowed there were gasps and whispers, people speculating if it really was you. “It's her! It's Y/n Ren! And these must be...your children? You had quadruplets? Oh my word!” He stared wide eyed at the four children behind you, did these kids even look like you? Only one of them had dark hair, but it wasn't even black like Kylo's. There was no resemblance whatsoever but he had assumed that because there were children with you that they were yours.

There was a a painful stabbing sensation in your gut. You didn't realize you had reached celebrity status on other planets. Even if you had guessed you had you didn't think people would be this excited to meet you. You were Kylo Ren's wife. _Kylo Ren._ These people should have been running for the hills! “Please, I need your autograph! Sign my hat, please!” You backed away from him, then you realized that the crowed was now slowly coming in on you, people begging for pictures and shoving pens and pieces of paper in your face. You were becoming claustrophobic, reaching behind you for your children to push them back, but you found that there were even more people shouting your name from behind you.

You couldn't handle it, your sick body couldn't handle it. “No, I can't, I'm...I'm.” You turned to leave, to lead the children out of the crowed but you lost your footing. The cause was your lack of vision. You had blacked out, falling and hitting the concrete head first. The kids had moved like the parting of the red sea and no one helped you up or even tried to catch you. They just watched you fall, watched you lay there unconscious, nearly scared to death over your newfound celebrity status.

Your first, and now last trip off of the Resistance base was cut short by a mob of people begging for your attention. A reaction that you had no one to blame for but your estranged husband, Kylo Ren.

 


	2. How to Be a Fighter

Ever so slowly, you opened your eyes. There was a bright white light, subtly beeping, and itchy things all over your skin. Once you realized you were in a hospital you sighed. Recalling all of what happened to put you in this cot made you realize it had been quite sometime since you were in a medical facility. Back on Star Killer base it seemed like Kylo was always sending you to the hospital for one reason or another, now that you were on your own you hadn't even thought of going to the hospital. What a nice thing to not have to worry about, another perk of not residing in the First Order.

You took a look around your body, taking stock of bruises and marks left from falling and people handling you, you saw the Ivs the doctor had inserted and felt the electrodes on your chest, but there was a new contraption that you had never seen before.

Atop your abdomen was an elastic band, attached to it sat two circular objects side by side. You followed the wires they were attached to up to a small machine that was displaying a chart with one bright green line that was extremely jagged and below it was a solid horizontal black line. While the green line was moving every which direction and not seeming to slow down in the slightest, the black line below it was stagnate, only moving straight ahead of itself. It was puzzling, youhad never seen anything like it before.

Right before you started to speculate what it was you heard shouting coming from outside in the hallway, the voice could only belong to Finn. “So you thought it would be a good idea to take her pictures and publish them without her consent?” Oh boy. You could always count on Finn to protect you and seek justice on your behalf. “Trust and believe that there will be consequences for your actions. You'll be hearing from our lawyer as soon as possible!” The door opened, you could see Finn's face of anger once he crossed the threshold. Once he saw that you were awake though? There was the soft and comforting face you had fallen in love with. “Good to see you're awake.” He gave you a kiss on the cheek before he made himself comfortable in the loveseat that was next to the cot. “Good to be awake.” You retorted.

“So, how much of that did you hear?”

“A lot.” Finn's face fell sad, he shook his head as a way to express his disappointment. “A reporter who had heard your story used your name to look up photos of you in the Resistane database, ones that were used in the newspaper and whatnot. He sold them to a publisher and that publisher put them all over the place. He said they paid him a lot because everyone knew Kylo was married, but no one knew what she looked like.”

You sighed, nodded your head in sad and unfortunate agreement with his statement. “Does all that really matter now that I'm not with him anymore?”

“Apparently it does. I'm sorry baby.”

People all of the sudden cared so much about you. Why didn't they care this much when you were so young and living on the streets, or when you were forced into a whore house? Better yet, why didn't these people care this much about you when you were being abused by Kylo Ren? The entire situation was upsetting, what would you have to deal with now? You had basically sworn off leaving the base again entirely, maybe if you just stayed within the Resistace you'd be safe. After all, everyone there knew you and knew you enjoyed your privacy. Hopefully after the perpetrator was dealt with there'd be no more breaches of your security.

There was a knock on the door, it swung open shortly after and then a tall, muscular man walked through the door. “Good afternoon everyone. I'm Doctor Koroban. He smiled at you, looked to Finn and shook his hand. “Mrs. Ren, is it? Is that what you'd like to be called?” You glanced nervously over at Finn. You did have a last name before your marriage, but very rarely did you ever get to use it. You had grown accustom to the surname “Ren,” and you in particular didn't mind people using it. But you knew Finn didn't like it, and since Finn was the one who stood up for you while you were unconscious you thought you'd at least make him a little more comfortable in this small room.

“Miss Y/LN, please.” The doctor smiled awkwardly at you, you knew that all he wanted to do was report to you and then move on. You didn't even know where you were-for all you knew you were in the most crowded hospital ever and this man had 300 other organisms to diagnose and treat before he leaves.

“Very well, Miss Y/LN. I have some news for you. Sir?” He looked over and Finn who lifted his chin at the doctors acknowledgment. “I'm going to have to ask you to step out, if you would.” Finn looked left and right, then back at the doctor while pointing at his chest in confusion. “Me?”

“Yes, please.” Finn looked at you, but you only shrugged. You could tell the doctor was in a hurry and you just wanted him to comply. Maybe you were about to be diagnosed with something crazy that Finn shouldn't know about. Either way, you softly nodded your head at him. He left without another word. You thought for a second about Kylo and about how offended he would have been at this doctor for telling him to leave. You could almost hear him saying something along the lines of 'this is my wife, you may continue with your evaluation.' in his razor sharp and scary voice.

“Now, you were admitted into my ER unconscious after passing out. Could you tell me a little bit more about what happened?” You explained the story to him, listing out every detail as best as you possibly could. “Good, good. Now tell me, when was your last period?”

The question caught you completely off guard. What did that have to do with your fall? “Ah, er...two months ago now, I think?” You twiddled your thumbs, thinking back to all of the things you and Finn fought over before going to the zoo. Maybe they figured out what was going on, maybe Kylo had given you some type of STD and they knew it would be embarrassing to be stated in front of Finn.

“I see, I see. Have you been experiencing any other strange symptoms, any fatigue, constant hunger, maybe a tad bit of spotting?” You shrugged, then nodded your head. Suddenly it clicked, they were probably trying to treat you for what they found, but need to know if you were pregnant or not. “I'm not pregnant, I took a test a few weeks ago that came up negative.” You assured the doctor. You became alarmed when he cracked his neck and flashed you a look of insecurity. “Like I said when I entered, I have news for you. But before I tell you I need you to relax yourself.” You hadn't realized you were tensing every muscle in your body. “What's wrong with me?” You asked with a shaky voice. In the very back of your mind you could hear a voice screaming what you didn't want to hear, it all made so much sense but you were told it was next to impossible. But the look on the doctors face told you a completely different narrative.

 

You and Finn both sat with your eyes transfixed on the screen that was attached to the two disks on your abdomen. You had learned that the jagged green line was a heart beat monitor. The wild heartbeat, 176 bpm, of course didn't belong to you.

It belonged to your baby.

When the words spilled from the doctors mouth you felt like you should have cried. You felt like you should have had a stronger reaction to the news than you actually did. But no, as the world grew silent and the only thing you could vaguely hear was the doctor speaking to you. You heard the words like “pills,” “due date,” and “conception” coming from his mouth. These were words you were told you would likely never hear.

“So...a baby?” Finn could hardly believe his ears either when you told him as well. You gave him a single nod, still not believing that there was a child inside of you and that child's heartbeat was on display in front of you. “He said that at this hospital drug tests are mandatory for people coming in presenting my symptoms. So he took my urine and then...” You couldn't finish the sentence.

“Well, y/n. This is a good thing, right?” That was a great question. There was nothing inherently wrong with you being pregnant, no. You and Finn had wanted to be parents, had hopes of adopting children one day and living as a big happy family. It would have been even better if you could carry Finn's child just like most couples out there, but since Kylo had ruined your body you and Finn kept that thought quite distant.

The problem was that you hadn't gotten a period for two months. Two months ago you were living with Kylo and having sex with him frequently, as a matter of fact that was right before you jumped out of his window and he chained you to the bed. The baby could have been fathered by Kylo just as much as it could have been fathered by Finn.

Another problem was the doctor Kylo had taken you to told you that it was unlikely that the baby would survive for very long after conception. You didn't want to get your hopes up very high that you had conceived a child only to miscarry it the next day. So the answer to Finn's question was yes, this was good news, this was extremely good news. It was just carried with a lot of 'what if's,' and uncertainty, so you couldn't find it with in yourself to be excited.

 

Your first ultrasound was the following week, you hadn't even so much as thought of smiling the entire time. You were eating well and taking care to think of your baby whenever you did something such as cleaning or lifting a heavy object, but you tried not to get too attached. In the back of your mind you just kept thinking it wouldn't last too long, that you were just seconds away from having a cramp and bleeding the child away.

But no! You had at least made it to your ultrasound with the baby healthy inside of you. The tech came onto the base to see you with all of her equipment instead of you going off the base to see her. The jelly she squirted on you was so cold, but when she swirled the small contraption on your stomach it warmed just a tad. “Are you ready to see your baby mom and dad?” The fact that she referred to Finn, who was just off to your right, as 'dad' made you melt inside. Even in your discussion of the baby you had never called him 'dad.' You knew it had made him feel just as good too.

You looked up at the small screen that was to your left as you saw nothing but black and white gradient moving around. She was moving it around and around your abdomen, stopping in some places and then moving it around again. “Hmm. Well it's gotta be in there somewhere.” A twinge of worry ignited inside of you. The puzzled look on her face worried you even more. “You can't find it?” You said, you could feel your self starting to tremble. Your worst fear was coming alive on probably the worst day possible. Finn took a hold of your hand just as the tech was asking you to please hold still. “Relax, baby. Everything will be alright.” Finn tried to reassure you but the only thing you could hear was the faint sound of the aparatus moving through the jelly on your skin. You looked over at the tech desperately, as if she could do something to save your child.

Suddenly her face softened and as it did a smile grew on her face. “Oh! There we are!” She said cheerfully. Your eyes snapped up to the computer screen just in time to see a small, grey, blob come into focus. The blob had a big head, a big belly, and two small arms and two small legs. There it was, there was your baby. “Say, 'here I am mommy! The tech found me safe and sound!'” The tech said in a silly voice, mimicking what your baby would sound like.

You could see its heart fluttering quickly, you could have sworn your heart was doing the same thing. Your smile could have broken your face when you saw it stretch its small body out, its arms and legs straightening out for just a few seconds and then returning to its original position. “Oh, mommy it looks like it wants to see you.” The tech said. You watched as the child changed positions so that you were getting a top down view. The blob was now very long and slender. Its arms became two small dots next to its abdomen as did its knees at the bottom of it.

It was a magical moment, you could clearly see its fingers and some of its toes wiggling around. It was so hard to believe that such a small and amazing thing was going on inside of you at the moment. You wanted to turn around and see what Finn was doing, but you were too into this. You wanted to give all of your attention to your miracle child, Finn would always be there but of course you weren't so sure about your small blobby baby.

The tech was clicking away, measuring things on the screen with her pointer, pausing the live feed of the babies movement to get data, and then playing it back for you. All too quickly the monitor shut off and your first ultrasound was over. “Okay mom and dad. Baby is measuring ten weeks and three days and looks very happy and healthy. I'll see you back in about a month, okay?” You nodded as you began to clean the cold goop off of your belly and readjust your shirt. Once the tech left you alone in the empty room in the doctors office you broke down in tears.

“Finn, I can't-I can't believe that-”

“Our baby, I know.” You thought it was so precious that Finn referred to it as 'our' baby. You hadn't really voiced your concerns to Finn yet, mostly because you were of the mindset that you wouldn't even make it to your first ultrasound. “Oh, Finn. I'm so happy that it's healthy in there. I'm happy that we're having a baby, I'm just worried.”

“About what?” Finn leaned forward and brushed your hair out of your face. “Just, she said ten weeks along, so that could mean the baby is actually _his._ ” Finn's face fell flat, it was like he just realized that as well. “Don't talk like that, y/n. How many times had you tried for a baby with him only to have it not work?” You shrugged. It only takes one time, one healthy ovulation to create a baby. “The chances are just as good that it's mine.”

“And-and even if it's not?” Finn sighed, closed his eyes for just a second. Very rarely did Finn ever get frustrated. He was mostly a go-with-the-flow kind of guy. You had never seen him angry and you never thought you would. But right now you could tell he was upset. You knew he was slightly exasperated. “If that baby makes it and it's not mine, then you'll have nothing to worry about-” Finn's hand slipped from his lap to your womb, resting it there on top of your baby. “Because no matter what that's my child. I'm going to love and take care of it whether it looks like me or it looks like him.”

Finn was such a good guy. You knew not too many men would step up to take care of a child that wasn't theirs, but Finn would. Finn loved you, and he loved the child that was inside of you. It was evident in the recent discovery of your pregnancy.

Your good vibes and good feelings quickly disappeared though as your next worry inserted itself into your happy place. “What about what they told me at the doctor? What if I mis-”

“Lovely, we aren't going to even think about that right now. If your body is strong enough to create a baby and carry it for ten weeks with no problems, you're going to be just fine for the remainder of it.”

And then it hit you: You've been pregnant for ten weeks. Ten weeks included falling from three stories, nearly freezing to death, being chained to a bed, and lots of alcohol from celebrating with Rey. Your baby went through all of that with you and is still healthy. They were a fighter just like you, and you knew both you and Finn would fight to keep your child alive.

Finn leaned in and kissed you reassuringly, his hand never leaving your belly. “You're going to make a great mother, y/n. I'm so happy for the both of us.” You kissed him back, finally feeling content in your situation with Finn. Being pregnant wouldn't be so bad now that you knew you had Finn's undying support.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have you ever tried writing with a wiggly baby in your lap that wants to touch and eat everything? It's not easy.


	3. The Goodbye Before Hello

You noticed a disturbing trend a few more days into your pregnancy. When you weren't at doctors appointments or getting ultrasounds you would be nervous, completely unsure of yourself and just generally worried. Your doctors told you they calculated your due date based on your last period, ten weeks ago, If you got pregnant the day after your period then it would be Kylos. But you could have gotten pregnany anytime after that, thus making the baby Finn's. You lost sleep over the whole ordeal, even though Finn would reassure you every time he found you sulking that he didn't care whose child it was. It would completely break you to find out you hadn't actually got away from Kylo after all.

After you were done worrying about who the father of your child was you the lived in constant fear over if your precious unborn baby would even survive all 40 weeks. You expected at any moment to start dripping red blood, to rush to the ER only to find out your child had died. If you weren't up all night questioning who its father was then you were holding your still flat stomach tight, it was the only thing you thought to protect it. Your doctor urged you to relax, that stress would do nothing to help you in this situation. But try as you might you could never, simply, relax. You blamed your neurotic tendencies on the events that left you unstable for the past year.

The thought that disturbed you the most often left you wondering 'why?' Why would you think such a thing and why would it be a good thing. The thought crept into your mind like a shadow, it caused so so much turmoil but you often welcomed it because it was the truth:

You were so sure the baby was Kylo's, would it be all that bad if you lost it?

You'd ask yourself that question every few days, and every time you did it would not last. You would always later berate your self and call yourself every synonym for 'selfish' you could think of. It was not the child's fault that it may or may not have been fathered by a murderer that managed to keep you locked up like a exaulted prisoner for an entire year, it didn't deserve to be miscarried just because it carries Kylo's DNA. The thought always disturbed you and you would always wonder if the mindset also came from Kylo's treatment of you.

 

Ten weeks turned into eleven, eleven turned into fifteen, and soon before you knew it you were twenty weeks a long and sitting once again in the waiting room of the hospital. Against all odds you were now about to receive your anatomy scan, a scan that would be able to tell you the most about your miracle baby. You would be able to count its fingers and toes, see its facial features a lot better now, and see it moving better than it ever had before. You and Finn were eager, he had gotten you extremely excited and looking forward to the event, even promising you to leave the base and get you food from your favorite restaurant. It was also a huge mile stone because this was the first ultrasound you were going into that you weren't filled with dread beforehand. You were as relaxed as relaxed could get, you were just so happy and excited to see your baby again now that you knew it was thriving. In fact, you were starting to wonder if you should have gotten a second opinion on your reproductive health since your baby was doing so well.

The ultrasound tech walked in and greeted you with the same questions each time you had gotten an ultrasound: How are you, how are you eating, how are you sleeping, any medications, and your now favorite question: is the baby moving okay?

You first felt a kick at 16 weeks along. It was one of the most magical feelings you had ever encountered, there was just nothing to compare it to. You were fast asleep, in the middle of a lovely dream when you were awoken by a strange feeling in your gut. It felt as if it was extremely out of this world gas, something you had never felt before in your life. You sat straight up in bed, one hand flying to your exposed stomach and the other to Finn's shoulder. Tonight was a night Finn decided to stay over, you were ever so grateful because had you been alone you probably would have lost your mind and ram all the way to the ER.

“Finn!” It was the first thing out of your mouth, you couldn't help calling out for him. Finn moaned in response, as he did you felt another gassy movement in your belly. “Finn, it's the baby!”

“The baby, what's wrong with-”

“It's-it's...” As it twisted and turned inside of you, feeling as if it was contorting in every direction, you finally understood what was going on. “It's moving around....I can feel it moving around!” In the dark your grin shined bright. You were wondering when you'd feel it kicking. Everyone told you how cool it would be and how amazing it would feel, but you felt like you were ill prepared for the moment.

“That's wonderful, baby.” Finn said sleepily as he rolled back over to his side away from you. You figured once Finn realized it wasn't an emergency he just wanted to sleep, that man loved sleep more than anything else on this planet (except for you and your unborn child, of course). As he settled so did your baby, giving you one more strong kick to your belly button as if to tell you 'goodnight mom.' You felt nothing for the rest of the night, nothing but joy and elation.

 

Just as with all your other ultrasounds this one started out with cold, clear jelly and the probe being circled on your now protruding belly. Very quickly your babies bones and general outline showed up on the screen. “Gettin too big to hide from us.” The tech said, her short blonde hair bobbing as she looked from your stomach to the small screen. “Let's see what you got for us today, baby.” She said as your babies ribs and spine came into view. They were bright white and sharply defined, you could hardly believe how much it had grown and changed since the last time you saw it. “There's the little one. Measuring about 13 ounces today.” You smiled and looked at Finn as she spouted some more numbers and words off to you, most of it you didn't understand but you knew it was all good.

Finn held your hand and watched as the baby began to kick and move around, waving its hands and pounding its fists against your uterus. “Looks like it's ready to come out, mama.” You giggled as Finn moved his hand from yours to your abdomen, he loved feeling the baby move about under your skin. “Well, there really is a baby in there.” Finn said, he sounded as if he couldn't believe himself, like he couldn't believe what was making your skin stretch and bubble was his baby.

“Do we want to know if baby is a boy or a girl?” The tech turned toward you, you could hardly pay attention to her as you had your eyes glued to the screen, watching as your baby opened and closed its mouth over and over again.

“No.” You said

“Yes, absolutely.” Finn said.

You both looked at each other, Finn had his eyebrows scrunched down toward his nose and you looked at him sternly. “No?” He asked. “No, no thank you.” You said. Even though you excitedly looked on at the most precious thing you had, you knew that the second you walked through that door, the minute you walked back to your house and you could no longer see your baby, you'd have the same thought: Don't get too attached, it could be gone at any moment.

Knowing the sex of your child would only make you more miserable. You'd think of names, buy clothing, buy toys, etc. At least if you lost it now you could just say you lost “it,” not you lost your “little boy or girl.”

“No, I don't want to know.” You said again, the sadness filled the air like fog as the tech continued your ultrasound, silently.

 

Once you hit your third trimester you and Finn had officially moved in together. You had made it 29 weeks with no problems, but Finn wanted to be prepared for anything. You offered to help him move his stuff from his old apartment into yours, but he turned you down time and time again. “Lovely, you need to rest. Relax, I'll take care of all this shit.” He said as he pointed to the pile of boxes he and Poe were moving and unpacking. All of Finns clothing, gadgets and gizmos, books, and whatever else he saw necessary to move from his house to yours were in those boxes.

You stood outside with your hand on your belly, rubbing your obvious baby bump up and down. “Well, can I at least help you with the baby's room? After moving all this stuff you'll be too tired. I can at least lug the crib into its room, right?”

“No ma'm you cannot. And stop calling the baby “it,” okay? I've told you, it's a boy and his name is going to be Finn Jr.” You looked down at the ground and laughed, Finn had been teasing you about naming the baby after him for weeks now. You had told him you wanted a girl, but he would argue that he wanted a boy and he would be named after Finn. You wouldn't have minded a boy and you wouldn't have cared if he was called Finn Jr, Finn just wanted a reason to mess with you is all. Truthfully, you and Finn decided to not even think of names until that child was safe in your arms.

“You just go sit down with Rey, you relax and you make nursery plans like what you're supposed to be doing, okay? Poe and I will handle it.” You nodded, finally agreeing that it would be a good idea to sit down as your back was killing you a lot more than usual today. You waddled over to the couch where Rey was sitting looking over some photos of nurseries she had printed out for you. Rey was taking the role of a big, over protective sister once again.

“So, I think we can do this green turtle and frog theme just for now. When he or she gets a bit older we should do race cars if its a boy or the unicorns if it's a girl.” Rey handed you each of the three pictures she was looking at as she spoke about them. You giggled, taking in the red, pink, and green photos. Each one of these nursery sets must have cost thousands of dollars; there was rugs, entire cribsets, changing tables, curtains, blankets, clothing, and toys all for sale. “But, what if its a girl and she likes race cars?”

“Then she can have the race cars, who cares! We just need something cute for my niece or nephew.”

When it came down to your opinion, you really didn't care what your baby's room looked like. Rey was the stylish and decorative person, not you. Finn was the same way, the only thing he requested was he didn't want clowns because they scared the pants off of him. “So what do you think? Froggies?”

Your hand found your stomach as you felt a small cramp. You hadn't thought it was a big deal, they had started early this morning were infrequent, that was probably the 5th one you had gotten. Your doctor told you it was more than likely your uterus just contracting getting ready to push that baby out, Braxton Hicks contractions as they were called. Just as it was ending you felt your baby move around, you nodded to Rey, frogs sounded good to you. “Great, y/n I'm so excited for us!”

“Us?” You asked, Rey was so silly. “Yes, us! That's my baby too, all three of us will raise it together! Mommy, daddy, and auntie Rey. I'm gonna spoil that kid rotten, you wait and see.” You rolled your eyes at her, everyone on the base had told you the same thing. You had been told that this was the first baby born in the resistance in a long time, everyone was so excited for you and your small family. They were all looking forward to have chubby cheeks to pinch, gummy smiles, and tiny wiggly baby toes. Luckily for you no one had ever asked who the child's father was, it seemed as if everyone believed it was Finn's. It was either that or they were questioning behind your back, asking others what they thought of the entire ordeal. You didn't often get to speak with General Leia Organa and neither did Finn. You were sure she was just as conflicted as you were; on one hand the child could be her grandchild, she'd have an heir that would be Force sensitive that she could train to fight for the light side. On the other, it was her grandchild, it may or may not have just as much Vader in it as there was in Kylo.

There was no way to tell, your pregnancy was filled with several “what ifs.” So many of them couldn't be answered until the child was born and had grown and developed their own personality. There was no use for you to worry and fret over them even though you did so frequently. You prayed that the child was Finn's so the majority of these worries would just disappear.

 

The following week was a disaster. Finn had issues arise at work and was not able to put the crib together the day after moving as he had promised you. It wasn't a big deal, you had a whole ten more weeks to go till your due date and figured you could get it put together any time before then. He was absent from your house for hours a day, you often tried to visit him at his job on the base as often as you could just to say hi. He assured you it would be a good thing, he justified his sudden long work days by bringing home large paychecks every two days. “Saving up for the baby, y/n. It's a good tactic.” You nodded your head to him, it made sense and you were content with his answer.

One evening you were eating dinner by yourself, a small salad you had chopped up and decorated with cheese and your favorite salad dressing. You were lost in thought, going through your baby checklist over and over in your head when you had a single contraction. It was enough to pull you out of your thought process, but you didn't think a single thing of it. Braxton Hicks contractions were supposed to be normal around this time, you figured you'd just eat your salad and just go back to day dreaming.

That is, until you felt an even stronger contraction two minutes later. It made you stop and say 'gee' out loud. There was also some pretty bad lower back pain beginning to accumulate around your spine, something that usually only happened when you were on your feet for a long time. This was strange, you hadn't felt this pained before. You were starting to worry when you had a third contraction a few minutes later, and a fourth, and a fifth.

The contractions coupled with the back pain that was not subsiding prompted you to to call the Obstetrician that had been seeing you on the base. You explained to her what was going on, clutching your stomach as your knees buckled, yet another strong contraction.

“Is your water broken?”

“No, I guess not.”

“Do you feel the baby moving alright?”

“Uh, I haven't felt any movement since earlier this morning.”

“Any spotting, bleeding, or any fluid in your underwear?”

You decided to pull your pants down in the middle of your living room, it was a dire situation and you didn't care for privacy at the moment. You gasped and nearly dropped the phone when you saw the dime sized stain of blood in the crotch of your panties. “Um, um yeah. There's-there's some blood.” Your voice became thick with the emotions running through your system. Was this is? Was this when your body would betray you and the child you had tried so hard not to grow to love for this very reason?

“Okay, listen carefully y/n. I want you to lay down, leave the door unlocked, and I want you to relax. I'm coming to you right now to evaluate you.” A single tear slid down your face, it was happening. “Am I going to lose my baby?” You asked, you weren't sure what you wanted her to say. You didn't want this to be the end, you even felt extremely guilty because you thought you had spoken your child's fate into existence by worrying too much over having a miscarriage.

“Absolutely not, y/n. Don't think like that. You and your child will be fine. Now please, go lay down and relax. I'll be there in about twenty minutes.” In the background of the phone call you could hear keys jingling and a door opening and closing. You gave a very sad and tear filled “okay” and hung up the phone, walking straight back to your bedroom to try and relax just like she told you to do. As you lay down in bed you wondered if you should call Finn or Rey and let them know what was going on. They were the two closest people you had on the base and you'd give them your soul if you could honestly.

Which is why you decided not to contact them and update them about your turmoil. They didn't deserve to be worrying about you right now, you also knew that if they were here breathing down your neck asking you a ton of questions and possibly even crying it would make things so much worse for you. So with a heavy sigh that ended in several sobs and yet another contraction you rolled onto your side and clutched your belly, telling your unborn child 'goodbye' and that you loved it. Just in case you didn't get the chance to tell it that in person.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who thinks the baby is Finn's?


	4. Birthday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Say hello to your baby.

Before you knew it you were being rushed off of the base in an ambulance to the nearest hospital with an OB unit, Finn and Rey in a car not too far behind you. Just as the day you found out you were pregnant you had the two disks strapped to your belly, one green jagged green line measuring your baby's heart beat and one more stable black line measuring your contractions. You had gone into early labor, way early labor, contractions and everything. The doctor assessed you and when she found out she had you rushing out the door and into an ambulance, not listening to your pleas and cries to keep you on the base, although you knew it was for the best.

Once inside and settled, both of the lines making frequent sharp and tall valleys and peaks, you borrowed the doctors phone to give Finn a call.

“Good evening Dr. Paige, how are you doing?”

“Hey, Finn. It's, um. It's me, it's y/n.” You had composed yourself by the time the doctor had made it to your house, acting brave and like nothing was happening, like you hadn't spent the last 20 minutes sobbing and mourning the loss of your still alive child. But now, speaking to Finn for the first time since everything started, you could feel your seams tearing one by one.

“Y/n? What are you-wait, no. Is everything okay?”

“No, not really.”

“Why did you call me on the doctors phone? What's wrong?”

“Well um...it's the baby.” You had to stop yourself right there as two tears fell from your eyes, your doctor was sitting not too far from you on a stationary bench in the back of the ambulance. She was staring off into the empty space pretending like she wasn't listening to the conversation you were having on her phone. She had her hands balled against her mouth, you could tell she was stressed out.

“The baby? What's wrong with the baby? Do I need to come home?”

“Well you don't need to come home, you need to-” You had to stop speaking for just a second while you were hit with another contraction. As it hit you the black line spiked, confirming your uterus had contracted just as it had been for the past hour or so. “Y/n? Y/n?!”

“Sorry! No, I'm not at home. I'm in an ambulance.” Your voice cracked, reality hit you once more and the beginnings of sobs left your throat and seeped through the mouth piece of the phone.

“You're in an ambulance? Going where?” Finn was panicking, his voice was rising and you could hear his coworkers in the background asking if everything was okay.

“The hospital, I'm-I'm going to the hospital they took me to when I passed out at the zoo.” You wiped your eyes as Finn told you he'd be leaving work immediately and heading down to the hospital. Rey just so happened to be visiting him too so she'd be tagging along. You didn't care, the entire base could be on their way to your hospital room for all you cared. You just wanted you and your baby to be safe.

After arriving at the hospital a nurse and a midwife watched your charts intently, no one else on the planet mattered more than you and your baby. You were never alone, between Finn and Rey and the nurses and the midwife someone was always in your room with you. You never had the option to cry by yourself. Your outcome was never good, the midwife never gave you any good news. She started out telling you you were, indeed, in labor ten weeks early. They couldn't tell you what happened, what went wrong to have you start contracting, but their one and only goal was to stop it before you had to deliver.

You got steroid shots, you had to lay as still as you could in the hospital bed on your left side, you drank several glasses of water and were forced to empty your bladder into a bedpan to avoid getting out of bed.

But nothing stopped it. Your contracts were coming and coming, refusing to let up. You looked desperately on at the midwife as she checked your cervix for the third time during your three hour hospital stay. Her face fell extremely flat as she explained things were getting bad, you were six centimeters dilated and when you came in you were only 1.

You labor wasn't stopping, your water hadn't broken, you were confused and afraid. The midwife told you in an hour she'd have to break your water and you'd have to push your baby out, the conditions were not in your baby's favor and it wouldn't survive for much longer on the inside.

Just as she was explaining to you what was going on the heart rate monitor made some terrifying beeping noises. The midwife looked over and her face went pale. She scurried out of the room leaving you, Finn, and Rey sitting silently listening to the off the wall beeping coming from the monitor. When she returned she came with several more people, both her and her crew were dressed head to toe in white surgery gowns. You heart sank deep into your chest when you realized what was going on, your worst nightmare was coming true right before your very eyes.

“Your baby's heart rate has plummeted to an unsurvivable rate, we must take you back for an emergency c section at once.”

The last few things you remembered was desperately holding onto Finn's hand as the team of doctors was pulling your bed through your door. You were screaming, nothing in your life was this frightening and you needed Finn to be with you. You didn't know how you were going to survive this without the best thing that had happened to you in over a year. One of the people dressed in the surgeons uniform grabbed your hand and yanked it from Finns, yelling something about him contaminating you before your surgery. Finn soon disappeared behind two hinged doors, the staff running you behind them and down some halls to an operating room.

“Y/n, count backward from 100. Everything will be done before you know it.” Someone shoved a needle into your arm quickly as you watched someone dump an entire bottle full of a brown liquid onto your belly. You were so shocked you hardly felt the needle or the cold stinging sensation that traveled up your arm. “My baby? What's gonna happen to my baby?” There was a woman who had just put her surgical mask on that was reading out all of your information: first name, last name, date of birth, 30 weeks gestation, etc.

You were blubbering and going on and on about your baby but everyone was ignoring you, instead washing hands or counting tools, or lifting a curtain to block your view of your belly. “Y/n, count. Ready? '100, 99, 98...'” The drugs they administered into your arm took immediate effect, you never got past 98.

 

You dreamed of Kylo Ren. He found you on a desert planet and was chasing after you wildly throughout the sand. It was difficult for you to run but you were managing. You had on a bra and some running shorts, no shoes. You were looking back every few seconds to find Kylo was still chasing you, not running but walking ever so casually. You didn't know how he found you and you didn't know where you were, all you knew was you didn't want him to catch you.

You came down to a small village, you ducked and jumped over anything and everything you could. You pushed past people and animals, you knew this would likely not slow him down as he could easily cut through these people and objects with his lightsaber when they got in his way. Cutting a corner you found a small, empty mud hut type building. You didn't think twice about jumping in and ducking under a table. You closed your eyes, squeezing them as tight as you could. A useless effort in ignoring the man that now stood in the same room as you.

He found you quickly, flinging the table up into the air and shattering it against the wall. You felt the wood chips fall on your vulnerable body, some pieces thin like angelic dust and some pieces thick like angry hail. You scooted back against the wall, Kylo had you cornered and there was nothing you could do about it.

He unsheathed his lightsaber and ignited it, the red blade crackled in a sick familiar way. He was going to kill you for running away from him. He had worked so hard to keep you right there in the palm of his hand, stealing you from your original owner, locking you in his quarters, marrying you against your will, and finally locking you to his bed so you could run away from him no more. But you still got away, and you knew your husband's temper. You knew he'd have your head if he found you again, and here he was standing in front of you, about to take what was his.

You watched in horror as he raised his saber above his head, bringing it down and searing the skin of your abdomen.

 

“Y/n, are you awake?”

“Y/n, wake up! You need to wake up.”

You groaned as you floated out of your nightmare. You felt like you had been hit by a truck and then trampled by horses all in the same day. Your abdomen was burning, it felt as if someone was continually sawing through your flesh. You gently placed your hands upon your belly only to have them snatched away.

“No, don't do that please.” You now recognized the British accent as Rey's voice, your eyes widened and you turned your head toward her. Now fully alert you noticed both Rey and Finn standing next to you. “Finn!” You exclaimed, reaching toward him. He took your hand in his, bringing it up to his lips and giving you a soft kiss. “Hey, baby. How are you feeling?”

“I'm in a lot of pain...my-” It was that exact moment when you realized why you were here in this hospital bed in so much pain. You sat straight up and shouted the word 'baby' nearly at the top of your lungs, only to shrink back down in so much pain and agony.

“Hey, relax y/n.” Finn said as he gently pushed on your shoulders to settle you back down. “The baby is okay. He's okay.”

“He?” Even though you were distressed with all the pain and unknowns, finding out that your baby made it out alive and is a boy suddenly grounded you, gave you something to look forward to. “It's a boy?”

“It's a boy, yes. Our baby is a boy.” You could see a tear roll down Finn's face, he had been containing his emotions until you could wake up and share the moment with him. “Where is he? Is he alright, is he alive?” Finn had just told you your son was okay, but for whatever reason you didn't believe him. You wanted to see him so bad, wanted to hold him, wanted to just love him as a mother would love her son.

“He's in good shape, he's doing okay. But remember, he was born ten weeks early. He's hooked up to a lot of wires and tubes. I don't think it's a good idea for you to see him just yet.” Finn placed his other hand on yours and squeezed, a comforting gesture while he denied you access to your own son. “You've seen him?”

“I did, just in passing. I saw him as they wheeled him into the nursery. He was so tiny in the little bassinet, I could barely even see him. They were doing chest compression's and using the bag to breathe for him. It was scary, I followed them but they wouldn't allow me in. I cried, I tried to keep it together for you y/n I really did. But to see our son so small and so vulnerable, it just broke my heart.”

“But how do you know he's okay now?” Your fingers dug into his palms, the thought of the precious infant you had grown to love being covered in wires having grown adults pounding on his chest nauseated you, you were afraid of your little boy. “The nursery nurse has come to Rey and I several times now to update us, usually at least every hour.”

“Every hour? How, how long have I been asleep?” Finn gave Rey a nervous glance, Rey wasn't even looking at you. She was looking out the window, her fingers gently touching her own lip as she looked into the parking lot. You could see her face was slick with old tears, her eyes slightly red with receding swelling. “Probably, like five hours? That stuff they gave you must have been good.”

“Well, I am in a lot of pain.” You started to pull your hospital gown up to see the current status of your belly. “Wait, y/n, maybe you shouldn't-”

You ignored Finn, if anything pulling your gown up faster. If he wasn't going to grant you your wish to see your baby then the least he could do is let you see how badly torn up you were. So you continued to pull your gown up until you had exposed everything below your belly button. Man, was it bad.

Your c section scar was jagged almost like your baby's heartbeat. It was puffy and being held together with thick black stitches. Red and angry looking, you now understood why every time you moved in the slightest you were in tons of pain. “Oh my god.” You whispered to no one in particular. “Yeah, the nurse told me they didn't have time to make the incisions perfectly straight.”

“So now I'm stuck with this for the rest of my life.” You said, sorta in disbelief. You figured it would start to look a little bit better as time passes, but for now the only thing you could see was this ugly reminder of your birth experience that went completely off the wall. “Hey, hey. Don't think like that.” Finn bent down and put both of his hands on your shoulders, bringing your full attention back to him. “There are more important things that need our attention right now. We'll worry about the scar later.”

You sighed, he did have a point. You didn't even know what your son looked like and here you are worrying about what you would look like for the rest of your life. “When can I see him?” You asked as you shimmied your gown back down. You realized that's probably why Rey was looking away from you, you had no panties on. “I was just about to go ask the nurse. I'll be right back.” Finn eagerly walked away, probably excited to see your child just as much as you were.

Rey was so quiet you had nearly forgotten she was in the room with you until she spoke up. “We were sitting in this room, they told us to wait for you to come out of surgery here. We were just sitting here worrying about you when we heard someone yelling 'get out of the way!' We picked out heads up and saw a team of people running down the hall with a bassinet on wheels. There must have been at least four people, their hands were all in there. Finn had this wild and afraid look in his eye, he stood up and started running out the door. He was screaming 'is that my baby?' over and over, chasing after them. I followed after him into the hall where I had just seen the tail end of the cart make it through the nursery door down there, Finn was standing outside talking to someone and when he came back into the room he was crying. He just kept saying 'my son' over and over like he was grieving for him. It was the first time I had ever seen him so emotional, so worried and so sad before.”

Rey's account of when they rushed your son past the room gave you chills, come to think of it you had never even seen Finn cry before today. “He cares a lot about you and your child, y/n. He really does.” Another small tear raced down Rey's cheek and splashed onto the tiled floor. Before you could reply, however, Finn and the nurse returned to your room.

“Hello y/n! Good to see you awake!” She was cheery, a much needed change to the current dull and hopeless mood. “Are you ready to see your little one?” She asked, to which you eagerly nodded your head yes. “Perfect. Before I take you to see him there are some things we must discuss about you and about the baby, okay?”

The nurse proceeded to take your vitals and give you a small check up, after word explained what happened to you and how you'd need to take care of yourself in the coming months. “A c section is a major surgery, you must treat it as such even though you have a newborn. No heavy lifting, no smoking, no exercise, none of that.” You agreed, stating you never did any of that before your surgery anyway so she'd have no worries.

“Now, about your baby.” She said as she straightened her back and scooted her chair closer. “He was born ten weeks early, that's considered very premature. He's still basically a developing fetus, he needs all the help he can get right now. He's hooked up to a lot of tubes, a lot of wires and has a special helmet on his little head. It's not going to be a pretty sight, do you understand me?”

“Um, yes. Just, is he going to be alright?” You twiddled your thumbs under the itchy hospital blanket, not caring about what he looked like. You just wanted someone to tell you your baby would survive, that's all you wanted to hear. “It's hard to give you a definitive answer right now, y/n. Just as I told Finn here anything can happen. Babies that are born this young have survived, others have not.

Some have made it out perfectly fine while others have some kind of disability. There's no real way to tell. The only thing we can do is take care of him the best we can and hope for the best.”

You sadly nodded your head, drained of all emotion at that point. You had been looking forward to your birth because so many unanswered questions would have been answered by having your baby in your arms. But your baby's birth only created more 'what ifs,' the only question that was answered was the question of its gender.

“Now, if you think you're ready we can go ahead and get you loaded up in the wheelchair and wheel you down to the nursery. I unfortunately can't let you hold him or get near him, his immune system is very weak and we don't want you passing anything to him, even anything as small as the cold virus could cause him a lot of problems.”

“Please.” You said as you faked a smile. You knew you'd have to be really strong, the first time you get to see your son would be heart breaking, something no one on this planet would want to see. “Great, let's go.” She smiled right back at you, standing and moving to the wheelchair that was in the center of the room.

It took forever for you to be able to sit up, stand up, take a few steps to the wheelchair (the nurse wanted you to get the blood flowing in your legs), and then sit down. The entire process was extremely painful. After sitting up on the edge of the bed you almost told the nurse you had changed your mind. But you did it, you got into the wheelchair and were now sitting outside of the window where they would soon be wheeling your little son so you could see him.

Finn stood next to you, nervously tapping his foot and questioning you every two minutes if you really wanted to see him. Each time you assured him yes, you did. It was the only thing that was left for you to do in the hospital, the only thing that would give you peace of mind. You wanted to at least know that, at this very moment, your son was alive.

“Rey decided to stay behind, she can't stand to see her little nephew hooked up to all those machines.”

“No one can, really.”

“We need to think of a name.” Finn said, changing the subject to something more upbeat.

“Finn Junior?” He chuckled, you flashed a small smile. “No, we don't need to name him that. I was just teasing you.”

“Good.” You laughed, then from around the corner in the nursery a small monitor rounded the corner. It was being pushed by a nurse who also held a wire in the same hand, the other was pulling a part of a clear bassinet. You picked your head up, your attention instantly catching onto the things coming around the corner. As the bassinet rounded the corner you could see a pair of little red feet and legs, then in contrast a white diaper. There were two more machines that were being wheeled by two more people, and then one person at the end of the bassinet who was just simply holding onto it.

Everything else in the world went silent as your baby got closer and closer to the glass. Your eyes felt wide and you felt severely under prepared for what you were seeing. There he was, just as everyone said he was covered in wires and tubes. He had a red helmet on his head and two round stickers on his eyes. You could see his ribs and thought you could see his heart beating as well. When he took a breath his entire body moved with him. He was small, a lot smaller than you thought he would be, he was maybe about the size of Kylo's large hand.

The thing that disturbed you the most was that he was red. He didn't have your skin tone or Finn's or even Kylos, he was red like he was sun burnt. “Oh my god.” You said as you clapped your hand over your mouth. “Now, y/n. Take a deep breath baby.”

“He's, he's so small!”

“I know, I know. But he was born-”

“His skin tone! Why is he red?”

“Because he's premature, he's-”

“What's that thing on his face? He can't see anything! Finn, do something!”

Before you knew it you began crying, you felt extremely helpless when it came to helping your own baby. The nurses that had carted him in noticed what was going on with you and started to leave the viewing area. “No! Bring him back! Finn make them bring him back!” You leaned forward even though your scar was hurting real bad, slamming your hand against the glass in a desperate attempt to get to your baby. Finn had moved to the back of your wheelchair and started to pull you back toward your room all the while you were kicking and screaming at him to leave you be. When Finn turned you back around you saw Rey sprinting down the hall away from you, she had obviously heard your pleas and wanted nothing to do with your distress.

You bawled all the way back to your room, you had failed at being strong for your family.

 

“Isaiah?”

“Jeremiah?

“Sebastian?”

“Eric?”

While you ate your lunch you and Finn went back and forth on names. Rey had skipped out and caught a bus back home.

“What about Jordan? Jordan is a nice name?”

“I don't like Jordan.”

“Okay, Timothy?”

“No.”

Finn was trying his hardest to distract you from your own thoughts about the baby. “Okay, well what do you like y/n?” You shrugged. “I kinda liked Finn Junior, just without the junior part.”

“Well, I don't want him to have my name. That's really strange.” You half laughed, sticking another piece of chicken into your mouth. “What if we put your name in another name or something?” You joked, Finn laughed in reply. “Like what? Georgefinn?”

Suddenly a light bulb went off in your head. “Griffin!” Finn's eyebrows shot up, you seemed to have come up with a name Finn liked. “Griffin, it's phenomenal.” Finn smiled as he mouthed the name to himself over and over. “It's perfect for him, y/n.”

Griffin, it was fierce just like your son was. He survived so much in the womb, survived a difficult birth, and you were confident that he'd walk away from this just as well. There was just one conundrum the two of you had to get past: Last name. Finn didn't have a “legal” last name and your last name was Ren, even if you wanted to use your maiden name you couldn't remember it. You went back and forth, considering the last names Skywalker, Organa, and Dameron after the man that gave Finn his new name. But you just couldn't agree on any one of those.

“How about we honor one of our fallen men.”

“Who?”

“Han Solo.” You shrugged, remembering Han getting killed when they were on a mission to save you. He was killed by his own son, Ben Solo.”

“But, that's Kylo's name. Ben So-”

“Nothing about Kylo matters right now, y/n. He doesn't even go by that name anymore.”

“You've got a point.”

“Come on, y/n. Han was like a father to me, he taught me everything I needed to know about being with the Resistance.” That was true, Han was a legend. You recalled how excited you were when you got to meet him in Kylo's room. In fact, that was the reason why you met Finn, he showed up with Han to rescue you. You would have loved for Han to meet your son, and you knew your son would grow up feeling honored to carry the name of a fallen hero to the galaxy.

You exhaled as you instantly felt at peace with yourself and all your inner worries. You and Finn had finally agreed on a name for your little boy:

Griffin Han Solo.

A fighter always, he would come out strong and on top.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm currently in the process of editing Consider It. When I moved it to Wattpad I was made aware of a lot of errors. Wow.


	5. Showing your True Colors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The struggle to get this chapter out was real. I'm sorry it took so long. There's a surprise at the end of the chapter for you guys though.

The first time you got to hold Griffin you felt as if you were holding a fine piece of glassware, less than a millimeter thick and ready to shatter if you breathed on it. He was so tiny, so fragile, so red, and sat in a web of wires. He was only three days old, and the entire three days you had spent telling the nurses you didn't want to hold him. You finally caved when they told you his special helmet could be removed and you'd be able to see his face. You were shaking like an addict as they wheeled him into your room in his tiny bassinet. He was less red than on his birth day and you could have sworn he was slightly bigger too.

“Has he always had that thing on his head and those pads on his eyes?” You asked the nurse in a sad attempt to calm your fiery nerves. “No, we take it off from time to time just to check on him. He's been under some lights to treat the jaundice he had for a while, they can do damage to his eyes and the helmet was just for some extra protection for that big noggin of his!” Said the nurse as she began unwrapping Griffin from the wires, unplugging some she deemed less important than others.

Finn hadn't gotten to hold him either, but had elected to go home that day for some rest and to get the house ready for you to come home the next day. Griffin, unfortunately, would not be coming home for quite some time as sick and compromised as he was. So today was your day, the first of Griffin's parents to hold him. It was exciting, but very scary at the same time.

The nurse cradled little Griffin in her hands, from head to toe he hardly stretched further than her two hands cupped on top of each other. “Are you ready to meet your mama, little guy?” She whispered to the top of his helmet. You didn't know what to do as she walked toward you. Were you supposed to hold him in your hands? Or try to balance his tiny body in your arms? You wished Finn were here to help guide you, you were still in tons of pain and weren't sleeping very well due to the scar.

Regardless of your apprehension, the nurse still walked over to you with your son in her hands. Very slowly she moved him toward you, you watched as his thin limbs started to stretch and curl as a response to being handled. You could hear him making small, nearly silent huffs and puffs, the beginning of his cries. “Hold out your hands, sweetie. He's small so you can hold him in your hands.” You held out your shaky hands as if you were accepting water from a tap. “There you go, you've got it. Are you ready for him?” You gulped, nodded your head and sat as still as you could as the nurse gently set him in your hands.

Your first thought was he was so warm. Wearing only the small helmet and a diaper you felt nothing but his bare, red tinted skin. Your mouth hung open, your fingers were twitching as you finally got to come in contact with your most prized possession. His mouth was opening and closing, the tiniest of noises were coming from between his lips, little gasps and hums like he was trying to say something to you. “Griffin says 'I wanna see you mommy!'” The nurse said to you in a silly voice. She started to unhook the helmet from around his head, you felt like she removed it way too fast.

You looked into your sons deep blue eyes. Griffin stared back at you, for three days you had only seen your son's body. Now you're seeing all of him. “Hey, little guy.” You said, your voice growing thick with emotion. As if someone had popped a balloon in the room Griffin's eyes widened and his mouth flew open. His entire body convulsed and now all of his attention was on you. The nurse chuckled as she set the helmet and pads down on the table next to your bed. “He's seen his mommy for the first time! He's excited!”

It was then he began to cry, a cry that was so mouse like, unlike any baby cry you had ever heard before. His arms flailed out to you his legs straightened out and as he wailed on, you began to feel guilty because you somehow made your own baby cry. Tears of joy streamed down your face as you shushed him, rocking him back and forth as best as you could with him being attached to wires. “Here, mama. Put him on your chest.” The nurse suggested as she started to unbutton your hospital gown. “Skin to skin contact, it's very stimulating and will help you create a bond with him.”

Once your chest was fully exposed you very carefully moved him, every once and a while flicking your eyes to the nurse to make sure you were doing everything correctly. Each time she gave you an approving nod until you finally had Griffin splayed out on your chest. It took quite a few seconds before he relaxed, placed his head down on your right breast and closed his eyes. His mouth quickly opened and he was breathing it, you could tell he was trying to take in as much of your scent and feeling as possible.

You felt like a super hero, your baby went from being extremely upset to calm just by you placing him on your chest. You lightly raked your fingernails up and down his back, stopping at the top of his diaper each time. His skin was so soft, he smelled so good. His breathing slowed and steadied as he closed his mouth and nuzzled into your sternum. This was probably the most magical thing you had ever experienced in your entire life, you only wished Finn could have felt it with you.

 

You found that Griffin loved that position on your chest. Here you sat three months later, it was 3:45 in the morning and Griffin had woken up crying for the second time that night. Finn sat snoring on the couch next to you, Griffin's cries often didn't wake him up. The two of you decided to spend another night at the hospital in anticipation of bringing Griffin home with you in the next few days. You had been discharged five days after Griffin was born, but since he was such a small, premature baby he had to stay.

Most of your free time during the day you spent at the hospital, holding him, feeding him his special formula to help him grow, changing him, and just watching over him. When night time came around you would go home with Finn, fill small bottles with breast milk, and then sleep. You had stopped pumping, however, when you found out Griffin was rejecting your milk. Even if the NICU nurses would mix it in with his formula he wouldn't eat it, he simply preferred the formula over breast milk. You were heart broken at first, you had felt so accomplished that you were producing 4 oz of milk per breast each night, but in the end had to just let your supply dwindle down to nothing.

The day came when Griffin would be freed from all wires and you were ready to take him home. Exactly three months and three days after he was born. You held him as Finn pulled the car up with a baby seat in the back, dressed in a simple green onesie you watched over him as the Nurses explained to you how to take care of him and what symptoms to look out for if you needed to bring him back. You rocked him, he played with a long rubber necklace you were gifted from Rey, a “teething” necklace as they called it.

Even though he had grown exponentially in the last three months he was still small, only just now beginning to fit 0-3 months sized clothing. He was completely bald and mostly favored your looks rather than Finn's. You had completely ignored his light skin, still deciding to wait to determine who his father was till a later date. The hospital knew your story, the day after he was born they offered to do a swab or blood paternity test, but you and Finn decided that Griffin had enough holes in his body from the needles and Ivs and what not, why put the poor guy through more trauma. You figured his hair would be a telltale sign, it would either be real thick and curly as Finn's is, or it be black and silky as Kylo's was. For the mean time, you were only focused on bringing your big eyed little guy home to love and dote on him, not who his father was.

Your first night was terrible. Griffin refused to sleep in his crib and would only sleep on your chest. In the hospital he had grown used to the small crib they had for him, you guessed that the full sized crib at home was just too big and he didn't like all the open space. You had counted ten bottles in a 12 hour period, he wanted to eat nearly every hour. Every time you looked down at his sad little screaming face you had to question if he was hungry or not. You had tried to switch on and off with Finn, but around 6 AM you told Finn just to get some rest on the couch, he had to go to work at 10 AM. Possibly the most heart breaking thing was realizing that he was afraid of his new surroundings.

He would cling to your night shirt when you would try and calm him after a bottle, when he cried he screamed at the top of his lungs. His grey eyes would be wide and filled with terror when you looked at him when he would first wake up, it broke your heart every time. New smells, new sights, new sounds, you figured you would be afraid if all you had known for three months was all of the sudden changed as it had been for him.

As a matter of fact, it had changed just like that-when you were sold to Kylo.

You shook the thoughts from your mind as you sat giving Griffin a bottle on the couch. Lately you couldn't get Kylo off of your mind and it was making you extremely uncomfortable. It was nearly 9 in the morning, the sun was shining and you were enjoying one on one time with your beautiful son, Kylo was not needed in your train of thought.

 

Things eventually smoothed out a few weeks after you brought Griffin home, he began sleeping in his own crib in his own room and was just a normal albeit small happy baby. At four and a half months he only needed two or three feedings in the middle of the night and even started smiling at you. He loved his daddy so much, often when he came home he'd flash the biggest, gummiest smile you had ever seen in your life. When Finn would rock him he'd almost instantly fall asleep, his fat lower lip sticking out and his head sagging partly over Finn's arm. Sometimes you'd be jealous of the bond they shared, some boy thing you just didn't understand. Most of the time you were just happy that you could either get some sleep or have time just to yourself.

When he was six months old Griffin could sit up, at age 8 months he started crawling, at 15 months he could walk. He was behind on his milestones by quite a bit, you worried about him and his rough welcome into the world. His pediatrician told you not to worry too much, he was born ten weeks early and it would be natural for him to be a bit behind. By then you had been seeing the pediatrician once a month to monitor him and keep an eye out for anything dangerous.

The days all melted together. You and your small family shared laughs and tears together all while watching your baby grow. There was a time you worried endlessly about who the father of your son was, but after a while the worry just melted away. Why did it matter when Finn loved him so much? What difference would it make? Would you love him less if you found it for sure he was Kylo's son? Of course not. That was your baby whether he was fathered by god or the devil, he was just as much of your son as he was any one elses, you loved that boy to the moon and back.

When Griffin was nine months old you were going through some photos of him you sent to Rey earlier that week. You just couldn't get enough of him, you had to look at his own photos while you were caring for him as well! You smiled as you looked at him with his head held high while he was propped up on his belly. He was smiling so hard his eyes were just cracked open, his little nose was wrinkled and he was just the epitome of adorable. Rey had replied with something along the lines of “He needs another Auntie Rey visit,” you had added a mental note to take him across the street to visit her at some point.

Just before you had swiped to the next photo you had noticed something different about him, something you hadn't actually caught before examining the photo. You zoomed in on the top of his head, your eyes went wide and you looked up at Griffin to make sure he was okay before inspecting further.

Just on his hairline he had small, almost invisible strands of black hair. You zoomed out just a tad, he had them all over his head! You looked back up at Griffin who was rolling around in his playpen with a stuffed animal, a gift from a nearby neighbor. You placed your tablet on the couch next to you and nearly flew off the couch to Griffin, he had sat up and stared up at you lovingly, smiling as if to say “hi mommy!”

You inspected the top of his head but it didn't look any different than before, he still looked bald as a cue ball. You lifted him, carrying him like a prince on your hip as you took him to the spot where you took the photos. You put him on his belly just as you had before, he lifted his head and smiled brightly just as he always did. He probably thought the two of you were about to play a game but you were oh so serious.

Sure enough, his entire head was covered in extremely fine black baby hairs. You could hardly see them normally, you had to have him in the correct light. You didn't quite know what to think of your new discovery. Finn's hair was black, but you were sure if Griffin got Finn's hair it would have grown in curlier, not pin straight. Did this mean...

Without giving your child's newly grown hair another thought you picked up the phone and called Finn, placing Griffin in his high chair in the dining room and throwing some baby snacks on the tray for him. The phone rang and rang and rang, with every passing second you wondered why you were even calling Finn. What was he going to say? He didn't know for certain if he was Griffin's father or not. He probably didn't even know Griffin was sprouting hair. This was silly, you needed to hang up the stupid-

“Hey baby, everything okay?” You cringed as Finn answered the phone before you could hang up. “Hey, Finn. Um, hey.” You said, not knowing what to say to him. “What's up, why'd you call?” He asked all cool like, very rarely did you call him while he was at work. “Um, nothing. I was just thinking about you, is all.” You tried to play it cool as Griffin squealed in the background, it was like he knew you were talking to his daddy. “Is that so?” Finn said. You confirmed with a small 'yeah' and then there was quiet on the line. “You sure? Do you need me to come home?”

“No, no. I'm okay. Like I said I was just thinking of you. I wanted to say hi.” You chuckled, trying to play off your fear and anxious state. “Okay. Well just call me again if you need anything. Give Griffin a kiss for me. I love you.” He said before hanging up. You felt like such an idiot.

That same day you had put Griffin down for his regular nap at 3 pm when Finn surprised you by coming home early. You were pulling at your hair on the couch with the TV on in the background to fill your head so you wouldn't over think, Griffin was in his crib in his bedroom. “Hey, baby.” Finn said smiling, he hung his jacket on the jacket holder by the door. “Oh, hey!” You said jumping up to greet him. Your feet wouldn't move, however. You just stood there in front of the house staring at him. “You, you um...you're home early!” You said as cheerfully as you could, you wanted to hide your nervousness from Finn. But as always, he was smarter than you and could catch on to any and every one of your emotions.

He walked over to you, placed his hand on the back of your head and kissed you. He placed his forehead upon yours and stared into your eyes. “I'm here because something is bothering you.” You denied it as soon as he spoke the words, not wanting him to worry about you more than he has to. “No, everything is alright, I promise.” You said, walking away from him and into the kitchen for a glass of water. Finn followed you, his arms crossed over his chest. “Y/n, you and I both know that's not true. You're shaking, you're afraid of something.” With a mouthful of water you shook your head, once again lying to your boyfriend. The look on his face was serious, essentially telling you he knew you were bullshitting him and bullshitting him poorly at that.

You sighed, rolled your eyes to the ceiling as you swallowed your water. “It's Griffin, isn't it?” You nodded your head, unable to look him in the eyes as you finally confessed your worries. “What's wrong with Griff-man?” You bit the inside of your cheek as you fumbled with finding the words to explain your new worry inside of your head. In the end, you motioned your head toward the hallway where Griffin was asleep. It would be much easier to show Finn the cause of your dismay than to explain it to him.

 

–

That same night Kylo quickly dressed and frantically rushed to Supreme leader Snoke. He had absolutely no idea what had happened to him just then, and he didn't want it to repeat itself. It was more than just a simple nightmare, this was real. Whatever had happened to him was real and real painful. He had nowhere else to go, so he consulted with his master hoping he could shed some light on what happened to him.

He described every feeling in as much detail as he could remember, pinpointed where the pain started in his chest and describing the hallucinations he had as well as he could. As he waited on his masters reply he ran his tongue over his teeth, making sure they were all still there and they didn't actually fallout.

Snoke stared long and hard at him, scratching various areas of his face as he looked over his disturbed pupil. “It seems to me that the Force momentarily left your body.” Kylo's head jumped back in shock and horror. Kylo hadn't even heard of anything like that happening, how does the Force leave someone's body if not by death? He didn't know such a thing could be so painful, it must have seeped out though his skin, starting in his chest and ending in his arms. After speculating to himself he had one question left: Why?

Snoke chuckled, leaned his arms down onto his knee as he looked Kylo into the eye holes of his helmet. “There are two reasons why the Force would leave ones body. Death, and life.” Kylo blinked, that made no sense whatsoever, he didn't understand what his master was trying to say. “Do you still not understand, son?” Snoke asked, Kylo felt as if he was being treated like a child. Snoke sighed heavily, then continued his explanation.

“You are obviously not dead, so the Force is still within you. You see, Kylo, when a child is born to a parent or parents that yield the Force, the Force much reach out from the parents body to the child's for the child to carry the Force. This happens no matter how far away the parents are.” Kylo still stood oblivious, he understood what his master was saying but he couldn't believe it had happened to him. “Do you need even more explaining, Kylo?” Kylo's heart sunk deep into the pit of his stomach, yes he fully understood what Snoke had said to him and what it meant for him, but he was too shocked to actually say anything.

“That girl left this base carrying your child, Kylo. You just became a father earlier this evening.”

Y/n was pregnant. The Resistance carried her out of his grasp while she was pregnant with his child.

Kylo was surprised, he had never to his knowledge been around a pregnant woman. Had he even suspected his wife was pregnant he would have locked her up tighter to ensure she couldn't get away. He had no idea what he should have looked for or felt for with the Force, he felt like such an idiot for letting his wife and unborn child slip away from him as easily as they did.

The next question Kylo had on his mind: What do I do now?

“You must get that child, Kylo. It's going to be raised by Resistance members to think we are it's enemy. Go get it and bring it back to the dark side, raise it correctly to be your heir, to take over after you're long gone.” The plan sounded grand, he needed an hair or heriess to take over after him to make sure his namesake was kept strong, there was one thing missing from Snokes explanation however: His wife.

“Kill her. Don't let that whore get in your way to greatness. She's a lost cause, she's spent too much time in the Resistance, more than likely teaching your own child to hate you. Find them, kill her, then raise your child right. Do I make myself clear?”

“Yes, Supreme Leader.”

Kylo sadly agreed with Snoke, even though his heart was breaking just as it did the first time the topic of his wife and death came up with Snoke. Snoke wanted nothing more than to see her dead, Kylo just didn't see why. He could convert her to the dark side, he knew he could. He could reverse anything they taught her in the Resistance, he could earn her loyalty back just as he did the first time around. They could raise their child together to rule as the most royal and powerful families in the universe. But Snoke didn't want it, didn't want it at all.

“Go, son. Get some rest and start tomorrow on locating your child. The quicker you find it the better.” Kylo nodded his head before bowing and turning to leave, ready to continue his sleep knowing there was someone in this world that he had fathered. He knew one day he'd get to meet them and he knew he would be bringing them back home with him, he wasn't so sure about what to do about their mother and his wife though.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  [Surprise!](http://jay2noir.blogspot.com/2017/10/personal-post-meet-baby-jam.html)


	6. Free as my Hair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short filler chapter to say my laptop is back ^-^ work on this fic will continue at once.

Griffin's hair grew like weeds on top of his head over the next four years. You had it cut when he was a year and a half as his hair literally covered his eyes and dangled down past the bridge of his nose. After you had it cut it still grew at a quick pace, just slightly slower than before. By the time he was nearly five years old you were ready to cut it again, but there was a little issue.

Griffin sat screaming on the floor in between your knees, he covered his messy mop of shoulder length jet black hair with his arms and was pleading with you not to cut it. “Griff, come on. Mama needs to cut it down. It's almost winter time, you'll be too hot with your hair that long.” You looked down sadly at your handsome son, although he mirrored your facial features mostly you couldn't deny that he definitely retained his fathers hair. He even liked it at the length Kylo kept his hair, he was his father's son even through something as minuscule as hair preferences.

Griffin collapsed on his belly, rolled over onto his back and kicked himself away from you. It seemed as if he would rather lose his own life than let you take those scissors to his head. You didn't remember him giving you this hard of a time last time you cut his hair, he was still a baby then so all he did was wiggle around too much. This was just over the top.

“Please Griffin? Just an inch. Just this much is all I want to cut off.” You held your thumb as pointer finger about an inch a part, thinking maybe if he saw how much you were talking about he'd be content. But no, he shook his head and threw himself to the floor once more, throwing one of the biggest temper tantrums you had ever seen. You were at a loss, what were you supposed to do in this situation? You had always followed through with your actions with Griffin; when you told him to eat his broccoli or he'd be getting no dessert you made sure no cake or cookies or ice cream made it into his mouth before his broccoli did. When you told him he had to do his preschool homework before he could play on his bike you didn't let him get up before his pictures were colored.

But this? How could you cut his hair with him being so upset? You were afraid of cutting one of his ears, or his scalp, or god forbid poking his eye out when you cut his bangs. Maybe the best idea would be just to call it quits, try again another day or maybe take him to the barber on the base. This was a job that you could not handle.

Until Finn strode in. Finn had spent his day off with his friend Poe out in the town, he told you he'd be back by the end of the day for dinner. You didn't mind, you knew Finn needed time with his friends and you enjoyed having one on one time with Griffin. Except for today, since he would swear that you were killing him. “What's going on in here?” You looked up at Finn, a silent look that screamed 'help me please!'

“Daddy!” Griffin shouted, stumbling onto his feet and running at Finn at full speed. “You giving your mommy a hard time, Griff man?” By now Griffin had stopped crying, content with just laying near lifeless in Finn's arms. “No. Mama wants to cut my hair!” Griffin pulled at his black locs, defensive once again over his hair. You sighed, stood and set the scissors down on top of the TV where Griffin couldn't get to them. Daddy was always the one that got Griffin out of trouble. He would reason with Griffin, tell him he could have one bite of his ice cream and he could have the rest after he finished his broccoli, or tell him he could play outside for five minutes and then come back in and do his homework. It drove you insane, but what could you do? Griffin was not biologically Finn's son, but what did it matter? They both loved each other like any regular father and son would.

This time, their interactions were a tad bit different. “Son, I think you should let mommy cut your hair. You don't want to look like Kylo Ren do you?” The look of shock that grew on Griffin's face almost made you laugh. “No Kylo Ren! I hate Kylo Ren!” Griffin started to pound his fist against Finn in his small act of rage, to which Finn smiled at him. “Well, you better let your mommy cut your hair then. Someone might mistake you for Kylo Ren if you let your hair grow like his. You wouldn't want that, would you?”

“No!” Griffin shouted confidently. Finn set him down and he ran up to you, hugging your legs and pouting cutely. “I'm sorry, mama. Can you cut my hair so I don't look like Kylo Ren?” You tried to repress the smile on your face, he was just so adorable.

Griffin sat still during the entire hair cut, you managed to cut it just below his ears. When you were done he stood in front of you and asked if he looked like Kylo Ren still. You smiled at him, although his hair was still long for someone his age it looked so much better now that you had cut the splitting ends out and combed through it really well. You assured him he looked nothing like the Commander of the First order, and told him he could go play with his friends. You walked him outside where all of the other neighborhood preschoolers were doing various activities under the supervision of their mothers and fathers. You dropped him with a friend you had made recently and went back inside where you could enjoy some alone time with Finn.

“Do you really think it's a good idea to be teaching him to hate that man?” You asked, your bodies still quite sweaty from the quickie you and Finn had performed bent over the side of the bed. Finn shrugged his shoulders, moving your hair out of his face as he reached for his tablet. “I don't think it's a big deal. I mean, I think almost everyone on the base knows by now.” You sighed, you knew people on the base had been curious. Sure Griffin looked like you, but his skin was so much lighter than Finn's. Anyone who looked at him would be able to tell that Finn was not his father, and everyone on and off the base knew you had been rescued after a year of being held captive by Kylo. It didn't take a genius to connect the dots.

“I know, but still. He'll have to find out one day right? It just makes me uncomfortable to know that he hates his own father.”

“No, no no. Y/n. You know he doesn't hate his father. I'm his father, remember? He doesn't have to even know that he shares his DNA with that man.”

“You don't think someone will tell him? A school bully or something like that?” Secretly you feared Griffin would find out about his heritage and harvest a sick obsession with either his father or head great grand father. Truthfully you didn't even know if he had Force abilities or not, he had never demonstrated them and you weren't interested in knowing, fearing that would only just tip him off to his father when he got older.

“Nah, y/n you worry too much.” He placed a reassuring kiss on top of your head. “I know, Finn. I know!” This was such a strange feeling for you after sex, you couldn't recall a time when you were this upset with either Kylo or Finn after a tryst of enjoyable sex. Finn looked at you, concerned. “Something else is bothering you, y/n. What's going on?” You shook your head and covered yourself with the blanket. Finn was right, something was bothering you but you just couldn't put your finger on it. It was a never ending sense of uneasiness. You always felt as if someone was watching you and your family, like something was always creeping around the corners and in the shadows.

“What if Kylo comes looking for him?”

 

–

 

Kylo couldn't wrap his mind around the fact that he had finally become a father but wasn't there to experience his wife's pregnancy or the birth of his child. He had so many questions, so many concerns. Was it a boy or a girl? What was its name? Would Y/n have given it his last name? What did it look like?

Kylo wished there was a way to reach out to Y/n through the Force and speak with her. How was she doing after labor? How was she adjusting to motherhood? Not knowing anything about the circumstances of his wife and child was killing him. There had to be something that he could do to find them; he just wanted to see them, to make sure they were safe and had everything they needed. He knew that y/n would most likely want nothing to do with him, their last interaction was so awful and he felt so bad for locking her away knowing she was with child. If he had the chance to take it all back he would, for the sake of his child.

He felt the best thing to do would be to give her some time to adjust, a few months to a year maybe. Then he'd take them both back home and raise that child as its destiny was: to be next in line to take over the First Order. It was dangerous for it to be in the Resistance, he worried about what they were teaching it. For all he knew he could be his child's number one enemy in a few short years. The thought nearly brought tears to his eyes, he would end up like his own father: hated by his own child.

He just couldn't let that happen, he had to get his baby back! He wanted Y/n back too, he didn't know if he could kill her as Snoke wished. After all, that was his child's mother. He didn't want for his child to grow up in a broken family as he did, he wanted his child to have both of his parents at their side.

They were hiding out in the Resistance, it would be difficult for him to find them. But he was determined, Kylo wanted his family more than he wanted the Resistance destroyed. Although Kylo smiled to himself, once he found his family he would find the Resistance, he could kill two birds with one stone. He'd take back what is his and then destroy his enemy right afterword, it was too good of an opportunity to pass up! Maybe that could be the trade off for Snoke; No, he wasn't going to kill his wife but he did finally get rid of the Resistance!

He would have to start the search for his child at once, and it would have to take place in private. He would have his new secretary clean out his unused office space on her first day at work, there he could look up birth and travel records and hopefully find his child sooner rather than later. Although it would be difficult, the last time he was in his office he had taken a girl in there to fuck her silly- that was long before Y/n came around though.

He was determined to bring both his child and his wife home safely, even if that meant going against his master's will.  
  


 


	7. For You, my Love

Kylo hadn't meant to take on a new lover so early after y/n had left him. In fact, Kylo hadn't meant to take on a new lover at all. He was so lonely, so desolate, and just so depressed without his wife around. Once he found out he had a child it made things so much worse. His new assistant was cute, he had to admit. But when she first came on he told himself he would not engage in anything sexual with her because he was still planning on getting his wife back.

That plan went out the door pretty quickly as he found himself keeping her locked in his quarters everyday, fucking her day and night just like she wanted him to, just to keep her to himself- just like he did with his wife. Unfortunately he messed up, lost his cool one night and beat her. She ran away from him, fleeing the base and was never heard from again.

Kylo supposed that's why it had taken him so long to find his wife, he was so infatuated with this other girl. The two looked nearly identical, acting similar, although his secretary was way more promiscuous than his wife. He didn't know if he could say he loved his assistant, but she did a good job of taking the pain away every time she'd spread her legs for him.

He worked tirelessly to find his assistant in the first few weeks after her disappearance, but strangely she had no records. No record of birth, travel, name changes, anything. He breifly wondered how she got hired into the First Order if she was this unfindable, there were all sorts of background checks she had to pass to get such a high ranking position. It wasn't worth picking his own brain about it, though. He had terminated her and he knew she wasn't coming back. The night he gave up on finding his lover he dropped his head to the keyboard of his computer, creating a sequence of random letters and numbers on his document about the woman. Maybe it would be best that he just live in solitude for the rest of his life. His uncontrollable angry outbursts scared now two women away from him, he just wasn't cut out for this life at all.

 

Years later he was pulled into a meeting with Snoke, wondering where the child was. Kylo had nothing to say, he had given up hope for himself and no longer wanted to look for his missing family. Supreme Leader Snoke reminded him about the potential the child could have, reminding him that he had no one to take his spot as the leader of the Knights of Ren and of the First Order. Internally Kylo shook his head. This job had hardened him, had made him so lonely that he almost didn't want his child to live this life, he was content with just dying alone with no one else to take over after him.

But just as Snoke does, he fired Kylo up with his words. He made him feel like his wife had wronged him by keeping him away from his child for four years. She was selfish for running away from him when he was the one who saved her in the first place. He left that room in a rage, running into his office where he smashed his helmet into the wall over and over, circuitry sparking all over the room. This was all her fault, she did this to him! All he wanted was a family for him and y/n, he wanted a one or two children to call his own and to raise them in an environment he didn't get, and y/n took it all away from him.

He would make her pay, make her and the Resistance pay for his pain and suffering over the last four years. And then he would take his child and raise it the right way, to rule the universe.

 

–

Rainy days were always Griffin's favorite days. He loved wearing his bright red raincoat and rain boots with his little bright red umbrella. Red was that boys favorite color. He always begged you to let him play in the rain but you often said no due to the fact that he was a preemie at birth, his health was too easily compromised because of those special circumstances. Today, however, you allowed him his wish. The two of you took a walk in the rain to the library for his preschool class. Usually Finn offered to take you guys in his car before work but you decided against it since Griffin always loved the rain.

You held onto his hand as he jumped and splashed in every puddle of water he could find, always holding your umbrella over him when he would let his drop. He loved to sing in the rain, jumping around making up tunes with lyrics such as “I love rain, rain rain rain!” His smile was both joyous and contagious to not only you, but everyone that past the two of you as well. “Good morning Mr. Solo!” “How are you two doing today?” “Someone is extra happy on this gloomy day!” People often said to you. Griffin would shine bright at them, waving and saying hello to everyone and calling out to the people he knew by name. You had such a darling social butterfly, it would be a shame if he ended up like his sadistic father.

You made it to the library where you stepped inside of the lobby, shook like a silly child with Griffin to get the rain off of your coats, then removed them and made your way to the classrooms. Griffin's teacher was was Mr. Kier Baldor, a Bothan man who had been integrated into the Resistance after seeking shelter on D'Qar from some hunters that were going after his families fur. His day job was a teacher but he was also trained to be an accredited spy, often going off base to obtain information a regular resistance member wouldn't be able to get. If anything fishy came back to the base, who would suspect a preschool teacher to be a spy? It was the perfect cover up for him, and he loved kids too. The man was so good with your son, often not mentioning Kylo Ren or anything about the First Order while Griffin was around. He knew the dilemma you faced about not telling Griffin about his real father, Mr. Baldor could do nothing but respect that.

“Alright little guy. I'll see you at pick up and note a minute later. Be good today, I don't want to get any phone calls today!” Griffin was a good boy 99 percent of the time. You had only gotten one call from the vice principal saying he had dumped paint all over a classmates head because he had called Griffin stupid. She said it was a bit of an over reaction and you should speak to him about it. You had to pick him up early that day, Griffin was in tears over the entire thing. You had a long talk about how he should handle his emotions and people saying mean things, the best thing to do was just ignore them. This further upset him, he thought it was unfair for other kids to speak to him like that and he wanted to be able to defend himself how he saw fit.

“Well, Griffin. Unfortunately life isn't fair and not everyone will be nice to you. You just gotta pick yourself up and move on, you can be upset but you cannot take your anger out on other people. It's not nice and when you do that you become the bully that you were defending yourself from.” He was still fuming and upset, but eventually he got the idea. You made him apologize to the boy he had hurt, and the boy's mother made him apologize to Griffin. There were no incidents after that, Griffin was a good boy.

When you made it home in the rain you started up the fireplace in your living room, put on some relaxing music, and went back to a drawing of Griffin that you had started a few weeks ago. During your time with Eli (who was now nearly 9 years old) on Star Killer Base you dreamed of drawing that little boy's angelic face. He could never sit still, the only way you would have gotten to draw him was if he was asleep, but most of the time he slept with his hands in front of his face so it never worked in your favor.

Griffin, on the other hand, was almost always sitting still, whether it be drawing, reading, watching TV, or playing softly with his toys, you always had such a good view of his face. This particular drawing was of him looking up and to the right. You got this look by studying him while he was watching TV. He looked so sweet, such a soft, baby face looking innocently off into the distance. His y/e/c eyes trained on whatever he was watching, captured perfectly under your pencils. You had decided you'd frame this once you were finished with it, probably keep it in the living room next to the framed family photo you and Finn took when Griffin was 18 months old.

You got lost in your drawings as you often did, an hour passing by before you knew it. Your stomach drew you out of your trance, it was time to make yourself some lunch. You stood from your big comfy recliner, setting your sketchbook off to the side and made your way to the kitchen. As you were setting up your simple ham sandwich your tablet rang. Unfortunately you had mustard on your fingers and weren't comfortable picking it up and answering the holocall.

As you were wiping your fingers off you looked over to your glass of water, ready to take a small sip as you waited for the person to call you back. Something odd was going on with it, though. The water was shaking, shaking as if the counter was shaking underneath of it. You placed your hand on the counter and felt the granite trembling. What was going on? You reached for your tablet and saw that Griffin's school had called you, but didn't leave a message.

Before you could even touch it, though, there was a boom.

A boom so loud your entire house shook and knocked your family photo off the wall. You gasped, looking over at it as your heart bear accelerated. You wanted to run to your window to see what was happening but your tablet was ringing, Griffin's school was calling again. You picked up, it was Griffin's teacher.

“Hello, Ms. Y/n. I just want to inform you that there was just a message received by the Command Center from the First Order. The only thing they said was they had found us and they were coming in peace. It sounds as though they already landed, but I'm just calling all the parents and letting them know that I have the children in our fallout shelter, we're safe and sound as long as we're not detected.”

You had stopped listening after he said “First Order.” You dropped your tablet onto your kitchen floor, you thought you had heard the glass break but you weren't too sure as there was another loud boom from outside of your house.

“Griffin, No!” You shouted. Kylo Ren had found you.

 

–

Kylo had found plenty of articles about his wife online, and they all said she was safe within the Resistance. They never gave up any information about the Resistance or where they were hiding, all it said was they were safe. He saw that she had taken a trip to a zoo on a neighboring planet, and he used that as well as a few other tidbits of information obtained by a First Order spy to locate her and the child on the planet D'Qar. He was correct in his assumption that that's where the Resistance base was, he just wasn't solid enough to actually attack. But now that he knew his wife was on that planet he went through with his attack, packing up his men the next morning to fly by and snatch them up.

“We're going in peace. Am I understood?” He made the announcement to every officer, doctor, stormtrooper, and anyone else attending the raid with him. Everyone in the crowd made the exact same face, one of disbelief. “Are you mad, Ren? Why would we approach the Resistance in peace?” General Hux spoke up. He was not invited on this mission, Kylo wanted nothing to do with him after Snoke let him back into the Order two years ago. “Because my wife and my child are on that planet, I will not have them in harm's way. If one of them were to run out in front of the blasts of anyone carrying a weapon and died I would have every single one of you killed. We will worry about destroying the Resistance at a later date.”

Hux rolled his eyes, but Kylo promptly ignored him, continuing his speech. “When we land everyone will leave their vessels with their weapons in their right hand and both hands in the air. If anyone approaches you, you will say nothing but 'we come in peace.' If anyone draws their weapon on you drop to your knees, under no circumstances will you fire your weapons unless I command you to.”

Truth be told, Kylo didn't know how well that tactic would fare for him. He hoped the Resistance would not fire first, because if need be he would instruct his fleet to fire back. With his wife and child on that planet he wanted no violence, he just wanted them safe.

The next day came quickly, he could hardly sleep the night before but still had plenty of energy to wake up and fly the next day. He locked onto the coordinates and led his fleet to D'Qar at lightspeed. Once he was in the atmosphere he sent out the message that he had 5 other ships along with his about to land in a nearby clearing and he was coming in peace, not looking for any type of war.

He pulled himself closer to the ground, watching the population scatter like ants below him, as he got closer he could hear the collective screaming-was his family in that crowd? He couldn't tell, but he wished they were. He just needed a glance, one glace to know that they were safe and ready to come back to their home.

Once he had landed he gave the go ahead for his troopers to leave their assigned ships. Every single one of them had their arms in the air just as he told them to, he could hear some of them even chanting 'we come in peace,' they sounded like robots. He looked on as some of them came up to Resistance war-men, he was worried about what was about to happen as the Resistance fighters hand their weapons drawn at his storm troopers. A small smile grew on his face as he watched his men drop to their knees as he instructed them to do, still chanting 'we come in peace.' The Resistance fighters looked at them confused, but eventually their weapons dropped.

_Only the Resistance would see their enemies sitting completely defenseless in front of them and still not shoot at them._

 

Kylo triumphantly exited his Command shuttle once he knew the Resistance would not fire at him. His weapon was at his side just in case things did get ugly, but he wasn't expecting it at the moment. Everything and everyone around him was quiet, save for his the sounds of his boots splashing in the mud below him and the gentle tapping noises the rain created on the Storm Troopers armor. The storm troopers parted around him as he made his way forward, showing enough respect for him by not getting in his way. He didn't know where he should look first, no one was currently trying to stop him so he figured he was free to roam anywhere he wanted to.

That was, until she heard a woman's voice rise up from the crowd of Resistance fighters in front of him. “Stop!” was all she said. “Stop! Don't let him through!” He ignored the voice, still pressing forward through the Resistance fighters until the same scavenger he had kidnapped a few years ago ran into his chest. By now, there was a small clearing in the Resistance crowed and everyone looked terrifyingly at the two of them. She stood confidently in front of him, drawing her lightsaber and holding it out in front of her in a defensive position. “Don't come any closer!”

“We meet again, scavenger.” He said coolly. Even though he sounded calm he was anything but on the inside, too worried about the slightest mistake happening and sending all of these people into a bloody battle, one that might end in the death of his family.

The girl took a look around at all the people surrounding her. “What, what do you want? Why do you come to our base in peace?” She was sweating, and she looked unsure of him.

“You know what I've come for.” He said. “I know you know what I've come for.” As her breathing went from extremely quick and shallow to normal pace her eyes widened, she readjusted her blue lightsaber (it was technically his lightsaber, but he'd worry about taking it back sometime after his precious cargo was back in his care) in her hands. “You can't have her, Ren. She belongs with us now.” Under his helmet he sighed and squinted his eyes, how would he be able to convince the girl to just let her talk to them?

“She is my wife and she has birthed my child. I have a right to know where they are.” Suddenly Rey outstretched her hand and the saber came dangerously close to Ren's clothing. “I said no. Now turn around and leave before I command my army to slaughter you.”

“I simply want to see them. If I had any malicious intent against the Resistance I would have acted upon it by now.” Rey took another look around at everything, then back at Kylo. He didn't know what she was thinking but he was begging her to grant her his one simple wish. Once he had them in his sights it would be all downhill from there.

 

–

You were sitting in your closet sobbing, of course today would be the day Finn and Poe go flying off to another planet for work. No one was here to protect you, and it was even scarier to think that Griffin was all by himself. You leaned your head back against the way and just bawled, you knew this day was coming, you knew Kylo would do anything to get you back, and for all you knew he could have already killed every single one of the other Resistance members to look for you.

He could be at Griffin's school right now and carrying him out of the fallout shelter. You threw your head back again and screamed. “My baby! Please, not my baby!” You scratched your face, you felt like this was the end of your life. If he took Griffin you might as well just die. Griffin was the light of your life, sure that entire year of your life was god awful, but without it, without Kylo Ren, you wouldn't have gotten your handsome son. Your son that loved to play and laugh, your son that looked so much like you, your son that was brave and happy, you wouldn't change a single thing about that year with Kylo if it meant you would no longer have Griffin.

You had to get to him, had to get to Kylo before he got to Griffin. You would throw yourself at his feet and go back into the First Order with him if it meant Griffin would be safe here in the Resistance, away from the evil man that fathered him. You felt it was a death sentence, but you stood on shaky legs as you made your way out of the closet and toward your front door. Your face was set in hard stone, ready to face the man that kidnapped you, tortured you, beat you, and raped you for an entire year. You would do it for your son, anything for your son.

 

With your hands in fists you ambled around the base until you figured out where all the commotion was, somewhere toward a clearing they had made for a new playground for the newly adopted Resistance children. Your gait was sloppy, mostly because you didn't know if this was a good idea or not and because you were cold, not having grabbed a raincoat before leaving the house. You were hoping Ren would just be content with having you and not Griffin, you wanted nothing more than for him to leave Griffin alone. But you saw the crowd, a bunch of Resistance fighter's backs. It was silent, save for some arguing you heard up ahead. You recognized the voice to be Rey's and of course you heard Kylo's monotonic voice arguing back.

You placed your hands on two fighters shoulders and moved them out of the way, when they turned and saw who you were they began protesting, grabbing you by the arms and pulling you away. “No, hey don't go in there. No! What are you doing? Where are you go-” You pushed the man off of you, but the noise he created drew more attention to you. Resistance fighters were turning around, continually trying to stop you but were not successful, eventually they didn't bother. They just turned and looked at you like you were crazy for wanting to come anywhere near the center of the circle. The arguing coming from Rey and Kylo stopped as the mumbles from the crowd you were in got louder and louder, and eventually you found your way to the clearing.

There you found Rey, weapon drawn and looking over her shoulder at you. When she saw you she gasped and nearly dropped her lightsaber. Over her shoulder Kylo looked up and saw you, as your eyes met with the grille in his helmet your heart stopped dead in your chest-there was no going back now. “Y/n, no-!” Rey shouted, starting to run toward you. Kylo quickly grabbed her by her elbow, pulling her to the muddy ground and immediately started to speed walk toward you. Behind you, you heard the fleet of Resistance draw their weapons, ready to fire at the man who was making his way toward you.

You stopped, he stopped just a few inches away from you. Neither of you said anything as he reached for your face, his gloved hands touching your dripping wet hair. Before he could get any closer you smacked his hand away from your face, he dropped it with no question at all.

“Hello, Kylo.” You said as bravely as you could. Kylo said nothing, instead he dropped to his knees in front of you, hugging you tightly and not letting go for anything.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was NOT how I wanted their reunion to go at all. I had a completely different idea in my head than this. I know it seems strange that Kylo would land in the Resistance and not try to kill them, but it's honestly how I feel like he'd be. I'm sorry!!


	8. Hatred

It felt as if Kylo could have held you in the rain for the next ten years if you allowed him. You could hear his sobs coming through the modulator, could feel him shaking as his arms became impossibly tight around your midsection. In a sick sort of way you were happy to see him as well, it was just a sense of seeing someone you were so close to after so long, you could say you missed him just a tad.

“Y/n, it's you. You're safe.” He said, you knew he was crying under the mask but it sounded so crazy when monotone. You rolled your eyes as you suppressed the need to reach out and hold him as well, that would not be the best of ideas. His helmet tipped back, the grille was now locked with your eyes. “I can't believe that it's you.” You reached behind you and pried Kylo's arms off of you as quick as you could. He stumbled back just a bit, resting his hands on his knees and looking up at you as if he was a submissive man. The entire situation was just bizzare, this kind of behavior was unusual for Kylo.

“What do you want, Kylo?” You asked, not quite sure how to tell him to just take you and leave. You were hoping he had no clue about Griffin, that he would just allow you to board his ship and fly back to your cold prison. Kylo stood himself from the ground and towered over you once more, sniffling here and there. He composed himself enough to speak to you again, crossing his hands behind his back to regain his dominance.

“I've come to find you.” You exhaled silently, his wish was your command. “Well, here I am. Let's go.” There were gasps coming from behind you after you spoke. “No!” Rey shrieked as she jumped up from behind Kylo and ran toward you. “Y/n, what are you saying?”

“Out of my way scavenger.” Kylo said as he pushed Rey out of the way once again, this time she didn't fall into the mud. He looked back at you, you could almost feel the unbelievable look he was giving you from under his helmet. “Do you mean it, y/n? You want to come back with me?” You nodded your head, not breaking your brave facade. “I do, let's go. The ships that way?” You said as you started walking toward where the storm troopers all were. “Y/n! No! You can't leave! You can't!” Rey said as she looked on at you walking away from her.

You were stopped abruptly by Kylo yanking back on your arm. You stumbled back toward him, looking at him confused. This was what he wanted, why was he stopping you? “We're missing something.” He said. You shook your head as you lurched yourself to where you were originally headed to. “No, no Kylo. I don't need anything from here. Let's just go. I want to get out of this rain.” Kylo pulled you back to him and there was silence between you two. You were praying to the gods that he wasn't about to mention what you thought he was going to say, because there'd be no way you could get out of it.

“The child, y/n. Where is the child?”

_Fuck._

“No!” Rey shrieked once more as if she was being killed. You stayed as calm as you could, not wanting to lose your cool as Rey did and further tip Kylo off that his child was on the base. Maybe you could talk him down, convince him he didn't need Griffin. Maybe? If you were good enough, but you seriously doubted yourself.

“Child? Um, child. You-you mean Eli? Eli isn't around right now. He's also about to turn ten years old, he won't want to come-”

“Quit playing stupid, y/n.” Kylo cut you off, grabbing a hold of the collar of your shirt and bringing you uncomfortably close to his helmet. “Our child. The child that you and I produced together.” Everyone was silent around you, save for Rey who started to cry behind you. Even she knew this was about to turn ugly, your hopes to keep Kylo away from his son were instantly dashed. “The child that you've kept concealed from me for the last four years. _My_ child. Where is it?” While Kylo's voice was filled to the brim with nothing but elated emotion to have you back with him, it was now filled with daggers, slicing and cutting your lies into pieces. He was angry, he wanted your son and it seemed he would stop at nothing to get to him.

You shook your head, you honestly didn't know what to do. You wanted to protect Griffin, you wanted to appease Kylo, you wanted to walk out of this mess with your life and Griffin's life, and you didn't know how to do that.

“You tell me where my child is, you little-”

The Resistance raised their guns at him, but oddly enough the storm troopers still sat at ease. Kylo looked up at all of the weapons pointed at him, then looked back down at you. Your chest was aching at whatever insult Kylo was about to say to you. Whore? Bitch? Who knew, but you were happy the Resistance stopped him before he could spit it out.

He sighed as he relaxed his grip on your shirt, letting you fall back down to the ground. You felt bad for Kylo, remembering how badly he wanted a child from you. Now he had one, and he had no idea where he was or what he looked like. He probably didn't even know that it was a son. You briefly remembered when he said he just wanted a family, a real family unlike his broken one. It was almost enough to take him to Griffin, to show him what his miracle child was like. But you thought better of it, too afraid of Kylo snatching him up and running. That was, indeed, the last thing that you wanted from him.

“Look, y/n. Can we go somewhere private and discuss this? All I want to know is that my child is safe and sound. I don't want to hurt you.” Your nose had started to run from being out in the cold and rain, you were shivering and didn't like the feeling of everyone looking on at this moment that should be private. So solemnly you nodded your head, taking a hold of Kylo's gloved hand and pulling him through the crowd of Resistance, through his own enemies toward your home.

 

You made Kylo sit at the dining room table after he had shed his wet clothing at the door and wait for you while you stripped down into some clean and dry clothes in your bed room. You offered to make him some coffee as you brewed yourself some hot chocolate, but he refused. You weren't planning on drinking most of it, you wanted to leave some to throw at him in case you needed to defend yourself. “Is that my child's bedroom?” He asked, nodding toward Griffin's room. His door was open and you could see his unmade solid red bedsheets and a few of his dinosaur toys sitting on the floor. You stood quickly at the sight, ran over to his room and slammed the door shut, you were determined to keep him away from Griffin for as long as you possibly could. “That's my babies bedroom.” You answered coldly.

Kylo gave you a look of worry, you were expecting anger for sure at your denial. “You say it as if you made it all by yourself.” You looked down at your hot chocolate, admiring how the marshmallows melted away in the hot liquid. You had nothing to say to him, you refused to even entertain the idea that Kylo was Griffin's “father.”

“You know it's my child too, y/n. I have the right to know about him or her.”

“How do you even know if its yours or not?” Kylo smirked just a bit, but quickly his face went back to normal. “The night it was born the Force left my body for about three minutes or so.” Your eyebrows shot up, that must have been painful. “It was. And I didn't know what the sensation was until I consulted Supreme Leader Snoke, and he was the one that told me I had become a father.”

“If all that's true, then what is the baby's birthdate?”

“Friday, the 24th of March, four years ago at approximately 8:40 in the evening.”

Wow, that was impressive. “And for godsake, y/n. Please tell me if my child is a male or a female. I don't like referring to them as 'it.'” You took a swing of your hot chocolate, it bothered you as well. You wanted to treat Griffin with dignity, and referring to him as “it” and “the baby” upset you as well. You rolled your tongue over your pallet, okay. Just this one tidbit of information and that was it. “He's a boy.” You said with regret in your voice. Kylo nodded his head once. “I have a son, that's wonderful.” You watched as his eyes traveled along your dining room, stopping briefly at the living room doorway.

“You do not live here by yourself. Who are you staying with?”

“No one. It's just me and my son.”

“Cut the bullshit, y/n. Stop lying to me as if I am an idiot. There's a jacket hanging over there by the door that's much too big for you. Who does it belong to?” You looked behind you and cringed, that was Finn's light weight jacket for fall, he had taken his heavier coat since it was cold and raining. This was the part that you knew would hurt him the most. Before you had a chance to try and lie your way out of this as well you remembered the photo of your family that you hung on the wall. It was a miracle that Kylo didn't see it on his way in, without another word you walked into the living room and right up to the photo, ripping it off the wall and kicking it under the couch as gently but quickly as you could.

When you turned around you saw Kylo had followed you, looking extremely annoyed at your actions. “What was that about?” He asked you. He was closing in on you quickly, you were up against the wall and had nowhere else to go. “Nothing, Kylo.”

“What did you just shove under that couch?”

“Nothing, let's go back to the table.” You said, trying desperately to hold yourself together. You had anxiety spilling from your ears, you felt as if you could collapse to the ground and die once he started walking to the couch. “Kylo! No, please. I'll tell you all about your son if you want me to, just don't-”

Of course, he didn't listen to a word you said. Instead he pushed the couch out of the way with his knee, revealing the frame that was upside down in front of him. You felt like it was a good idea to start running as he bent over to retrieve the photo, but the idea came too late. His eyebrows knit together as he was staring at your beautiful family. Finn had his arm around you and an extremely happy Griffin in his lap, you were beaming and smiling such a big toothy grin. It was a happiness that Kylo could never have given you, and you know he knew that.

He turned toward you, baring his teeth as he reached for your arm and drawing you closer to him. “This is the traitor, the First Order storm trooper that fled the order a few years back!” His face was reddening, you were preparing yourself for the worst. “This is my son and my wife, cuddling with a run away storm trooper in the Resistance? Where does your loyalty lie, y/n?” He was shouting, the tears were beginning to form behind your eyes.

“He's my significant other, Kylo!” You shouted back at him, ducking your head down and covering your face with your hands. Flash backs of your time with Kylo hit you all at once. His slapping you, beating you with his fists, raping you, and so on. Why oh why did you let him come back to your home? This was a terrible idea.

“Your what? What?!” He threw the photo to the floor, the glass shattering easily under his might. You hated the noise of the glass breaking, you covered your ears only to have your left arm ripped away from your face. Once again you were face to face with Kylo, he had a crazed look in his eye and you thought it would be the end for you. He was going to kill you in your own home and then kidnap your son.

“You don't have a significant other.” He said. You took a look down and saw his fist was balled at his side, ready to knock you onto your ass. “You and I are still married. Don't you remember?”

“Y-Yes I do remember. I remember the promise that you made on my wedding ring that you'd never hurt me again!” You said, snatching your arm out of his grasp. “You can't come into my house and treat me like this, you bastard!” You retorted, finding some inner strength that you didn't know you possessed. He seemed stunned at you outburst, that you would have the audacity to stand up for yourself.

“Take me to my son and we won't have any issues.” He whispered to you, seemingly trying to calm himself down. “After what you just did to me? I don't think so.” Once again he grasped your wrist, squeezing just tight enough to grab your attention. “Please, y\n, I just want to see my son. I want to hold him, and hug him, and kiss him, and tell him that I'm his father.” The immediate change in his demeanor startled you, he felt as if he was being sincere in his need to see his own child. His other hand went to your face, cupping your cheek and wiping a stray tear away with his glove. “I want to see what he looks like now, I just want to meet my son.”

There was a moment of silence between the two of you. It wasn't too often that after an argument with your husband you wouldn't walk away with a black eye, this was only proof that things had gotten better with the two of you before you were carried away from him. You had a moment to reflect, what would your next move be? Would you oblige him? Say no or say nothing at all? Choices, there were so many choices.

You placed your hand over his on your cheek, rubbing his hand up and down. “Do you remember the night you chocked me so hard I had black rings around my neck for a week afterword?” Silence. “Or, or the time you hit me across the face with your helmet and you fractured my cheek bone? And the time multiple times you beat me with your fists, some times nearly to death?”

“Yes, I remember.” Kylo whispered, a tear falling down his own cheek. “You deserved none of it, and I still regret it, all of it, up to this day.” You nodded once, at least he understood. “So you understand? I was innocent and I didn't deserve your abuse.” You lip trembled before you were able to make your next point, even the thought of what you were about to say was making you want to sob. “My son is an innocent boy, and he more than anyone in this solar system does not deserve your abuse. I won't let you see him and run the risk of you harming him. If you know what's good for 'your' son, then you'll turn around and leave my planet. Leave us alone, Kylo!”

You took his hand and violently removed it from your face, hoping he'd get the idea that you didn't want him around. He looked so hurt by you, and you had nearly felt bad for him. But you wanted him out and so far away from you that he'd never be a threat to you again. Unluckily for you though, he had another proposition.

“Just let me see him, through a window or from a distance. I want to know that my boy is safe and healthy. Once I see him I'll leave, I promise.” You had begun to shake your head no at him, you didn't even want him within eyesight of your boy. “I'll let you hold my lightsaber, I'll show you how to activate it and if I do anything you don't want me to do you can harm me with it. Once I see him I'll leave you two alone.” You were surprised at his suggestion, you had seen Kylo's lightsaber before but you wouldn't dare touch it. You were afraid of hurting yourself with it, of misusing it and burning yourself by accident. The fact that he was willing to let you hold it and even told you to _hurt_ him with it told you lots about his intentions.

You decided to oblige him, just this one time you would let him meet Griffin. He would meet him and this hopefully disappear from your lives.

 

The two of you walked over to the library, a set of two storm troopers to protect Kylo and a set of two Resistance fighters to protect you following behind you. You wanted to get this over with as fast as you could to get Kylo off of your back. It was still raining and Kylo was kindly holding your umbrella over you as if he was your bodyguard, he was so protective over you.

You entered the library and went into Griffin's classroom, Mr. Baldor asked if everything was alright with you but you didn't answer him, too afraid he wouldn't release Griffin to you if he found out what you were about to do.

“Mommy!” Griffin shouted as soon as he saw you. The bunker was packed with small children, it was hot and you knew Griffin was uncomfortable. “We were down here for a long long long long time mommy. But we played games and sang out songs down here so it wasn't really bad.”

“Good son, I'm glad to hear that.” You were in a haze as you led him upstairs to grab his raincoat for him. “Wait mommy my lunchbox!” Griffin said as you had started to lead him out of the door. “We'll come back for it later, Griffin.” You said as you yanked him toward the door. As you were walking out of the class room and toward the direction of the entrance to the library, Griffin said something that made you stop dead in your tracks.

“Mama, where did you get the light sword?” Kylo's lightsaber was tucked down in the waistband of your jeans, under your long shirt so no one would see it. How did Griffin know that you had it on you? “What are you talking about, Griffin?” You asked, just a bit startled. “The light sword. It's red and I can feel it!” You felt the side of your pants that Griffin was standing on, but just as you suspected the saber wasn't there, it was on the other side of your hip. “How do you know that it's there?” You said, squatting down in front of him to get on his level. “I can feel it moving.” He smiled brightly at you, but you stared at him with worry. “How did you know it was red?”

“I can feel it. It's hurt.”

Your heart was slamming into your ribcage, it was as if he knew the Kyber crystal inside of the hilt was bleeding. It was talking to him, calling to him somehow. Goosebumps formed on your cold and clammy skin, was this proof of the Force? Did Griffin really know you had Kylo's saber or was he just toying with you? You didn't know, and no was not the time to find out.

Just as you were about to say something else to him he cut you off. “Is it Kylo Ren's lightsaber?” You never answered him, just stood back up and led him to the entrance to meet his real father.

By now a crowd had formed around Kylo and his goons, the people from earlier had found you and wanted to see what was going on. The second the library doors opened Kylo snapped his head up. A chill ran up your spine as you looked down at Griffin. He was looking down at the steps, ready to run down them and run back home-he hadn't noticed Kylo standing there yet.

One by one you led him down the steps, an ominous feeling settled on your skin. This felt like it was going to be a terrible idea and it wasn't going to end well for anyone involved. Kylo met the two of you at the bottom of the staircase and once you stepped off the last step Griffin finally looked up.

Once he saw who was standing right in front of him his mouth fell open and his eyes widened to saucers. He looked terrified, the one person he had been taught to hate was now standing toe to toe with him. The entire area was quiet, you could have heard a pin drop onto the gravel that was below you. You bit your lip, one hand held onto Griffin's hand and the other held onto the lightsaber tight, ready to ignite if you had to.

As Kylo stared down at the small boy he removed his helmet, and when he did you could have died right then and there. Kylo had been crying tears of joy. He had the biggest smile on his face that was stained with his tears. His eyes were red and slightly puffy, this must be what every father looks like when they first meet their child. Kylo squatted down in front of Griffin just like you did earlier, Griffin followed him the entire way down.

Kylo's lips parted as he seemed speechless at the moment. A small, near silent sob escaped from his mouth, the emotion was strong between the two of them. “My son.” He said as he began to reach out for him with both of his arms, you lifted the saber from your pants. Griffin looked confused, gripped your hand tight. He was uncomfortable, he was afraid, he didn't know what was going on or why Kylo Ren was reaching for him.

You were mortified at what Griffin did next. In one quick movement he brought his free hand back behind him, you couldn't pull him away from Kylo before his tiny fist met the side of Kylo's cheek. Kylo blinked, stood really quick and stepped away as he looked down at Griffin in complete shock. “Griffin, no!” You had accidentally said his name as you pulled him away from Kylo, you would have to kick yourself about it later.

“It's Kylo Ren! Kylo Ren Kylo Ren!” Griffin's look of confusion suddenly morphed to terror as he finally realized the Commander of the First Order had been reaching out to him. He screamed, then broke down, completely afraid. He turned toward you, reaching his arms up and stomping his feet over and over again, all of his fear and uncertainty had no where to go except for out of his feet-he wanted to run. You picked him up, in one hand you held your petrified child and the other you removed Kylo's lightsaber from your hip and threw it to the ground in front of him. It activated, the tip of the red blade pointing to Kylo who was now rubbing his cheek where Griffin had hit him.

Kylo got what he wanted, he saw that his son was alive. You ran in the opposite direction from him, Griffin was screaming the entire time. He said he'd leave the planet and leave the two of you alone now. You left him standing in the rain, alone and more heartbroken than he ever had been in his life.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Halloween dear readers. This chapter was heartbreaking to write.


	9. Change of Hearts

Back at home you and Griffin sat at the dinner table discussing what had transpired earlier that day. The first five minutes of the conversation Griffin spent crying, Kylo Ren terrified the poor boy. He had always been under the impression that Kylo Ren was a bad guy that killed innocent people for no good reason, and if he ever ended up on the base with him then there was going to be trouble. He asked you over and over again why Kylo Ren was here and why he got so close to him but you had no answers for him. The best explanation you could give him was Kylo Ren was only coming for a visit and he had scared him off by hitting him.

As you made him a small sandwich for lunch you hoped Kylo was going to make good on his promise to you, you never wanted to see him again after today. You did feel bad that Griffin hit him, you felt like it was a terrible reflection on you as Griffin's mother. But Kylo deserved it, the way he came into your house and spoke to you like you were his personal property. Just thinking back on it made you angry.

“And if Kylo Ren comes back again and says 'my son' to me again I'm gonna kick his butt!” Griffin triumphantly held his sandwich high in the air, looking at you and smiling adorably. Your son was so precious, it was like he knew what Kylo had done to you before he was born. He seemed to want vengeance on the man, he just hated Kylo Ren.

“Now, now, Griffin. Remember what we talked about a few weeks ago, about bullying?” You just hated to see Kylo's own son hate him and talk about wanting to hurt him. You hated Kylo, but seeing his miracle baby boy talk down about him and seeing him punch him in the face just hurt you so much. “When you bully bullies, you become the bully.” Griffin recited it perfectly, and when he realized what the saying meant in this situation he looked very down. “Mommy, am I being a bully to Kylo Ren?” He asked, sounding sincerely lost and confused. “I hate to say it bud, but yes. You keep saying you're going to beat him up, that's something only bullies do to people.”

His lower lip popped out and it quivered, he was obviously very upset about what he had done to his father. “I'm sorry mommy, I didn't mean to be a bully to Kylo Ren.” He apologized, then took another bite of his sandwich, chewing and looking up at you for guidance. “It's alright, dude. Just don't let it happen again, okay?”

As if right on cue the front door burst open, any harder and you would have thought the door had flown off of its hinges. You turned around, Finn was running toward the two of you as if his life depended on getting to the table as quick as he could. “Daddy!” Griffin shouted, smiling brightly. “Oh, thank god. Thank god you guys are alright!” He picked Griffin up as quick as he could then wrapped his arm around you and kissed the top of your head. “They told me he came here! Did he come here? Did he touch you guys? Did he hurt you?” Finn was filled with questions, all you could do was smile softly and nod your head once or twice.

“He hurt you?!” He shouted at the top of his lungs, causing Griffin to flinch and cover his ears. “No, he didn't hurt us. We're just fine.” Finn exhaled, the look of relief that rested on his face was to die for. He set Griffin down and took a seat at the table. “So he was here? And he talked to you and to-”

“Daddy, I'm sorry I was a bully to Kylo Ren.” Griffin cut into the conversation between you and Finn. “How did you bully Kylo Ren, Griffin?” Finn said looking puzzled. As if the conversation you had with Griffin went in one ear and out the other, Griffin got himself into a fighting position and shouted: “I PUNCHED HIM RIGHT IN HIS FACE!” He punched the air out in front of him, Finn laughed and laughed at him. “That's my boy!” Finn said, rubbing Griffin's hair as he stood there looking smug. You shook your head, internally hating Finn for how he goes against your parenting techniques every once and while.

 

–

Kylo probably spent a solid hour crying softly in his Command Shuttle's bed room. He couldn't believe his own child could treat him that way. He knew it wasn't his son's, Griffin's, fault. The child had been taught to hate him probably from the day he was born, especially if it was being partially parented by an ex-storm trooper. Kylo sighed, then continued to weep on his bed. Why did Y/n let this happen? Out of everyone she could have chosen to raise a child with she chose one of his own men that escaped the First Order. He knew that man would take every opportunity to let Griffin know what horrible things Kylo had done to both him and y/n. All Kylo wanted was a good relationship with his son, something in this dynamic had to change.

Him and his fleet were still docked on D'Qar, he never told Rey when he would leave and he sure was not leaving now that he knew his son harbored hatred to him. If there was one thing he didn't want it was that, and he didn't want Griffin to grow up hating him as much as Kylo hated his own father. He would run the risk of Griffin growing up and killing him if this continued, just as he did with his own father. That wouldn't be good for anyone involved in this fiasco.

he thought alone almost sent Kylo running out into the rain to y/n's house, he wanted so bad to hold his son and apologize for anything that he had been told. He wanted to hold him in his lap and tell him he was his real father and that he could give him so much more than the storm trooper could, and that he only wanted the best for his miracle son. But if Griffin were afraid of him it would do no one in this situation any good. He had to get back to him, to show him Kylo Ren isn't scary. He needed to teach Griffin that Kylo Ren was daddy, someone he's supposed to love and let care for him.

So he waited until the next morning to pay the household a visit. He waited to see if Finn would leave the house before showing up but that wasn't the case, Finn was worried for Kylo's own family. It made Kylo snarl, just the thought of that man being with his wife when he _knew_ she was still married. She still wore the ring for heaven's sake! Did he make love to her? Did he kiss her? Did he hug and kiss his son and tell him he loved him too? The thoughts made his blood boil, his hands in hard fists by his sides by the time the small family was exiting their home.

It was 8 AM, a sunny day with a slight chill. Y/n was wearing some jeans and a black T shirt while Griffin had on a white shirt with a shark on the front and some black skinny jeans. Kylo didn't even look at Finn who held the boy's small hand in his, leading him to the car that was parked out front. It was time to take Griffin to preschool, a task that Kylo should have been participating in, not the traitor.

Kylo began to make his way out from behind the nearby trees, his heart swelled with pride when he saw Griffin look right at him in terror. He didn't enjoy so much the fact that Griffin was afraid of him, but that Griffin was feeling him with the Force. He smiled just a bit under his helmet, sometimes it can take several years for the Force to bloom in children, but his little boy? Exhibiting the Force so young meant he was powerful, just like his father and his grandfather.

Y/n looked down at their son confused, Griffin wouldn't say anything or move a muscle. Finn shook his arm just as y/n looked into Kylo's direction, her face fell flat just he expected it to. Kylo watched as Finn shook his head, pushed y/n and Griffin behind him and held his arm out to Kylo. “No, no, leave me and my family alone!” He said to Kylo, to which Kylo simply bent down to be on Griffin's level. “Griffin, come to mommy.” Y/n called out to their son, he obeyed her without question, running into her arms and burying his face into her bosom. She looked over at Kylo, a protective look and stance over her child. It upset him greatly that she was trying to keep him from his own child.

“Good morning, Griffin.” Kylo said, smiling under his helmet. “Look, Ren, back away from us. We don't need you coming around-”

“Silence, traitor!” Kylo cut him off rapidly as he stood from the ground, Griffin followed his every move, mouth and eyes wide open. Kylo wasn't concerned in the slightest, he could tell that Finn was all bark and no bite when he shushed immediately after Kylo told him to, just like a classic storm trooper. Finn and Griffin looked on at him, Griffin so terrified his little fists were white clutched onto his mother's shirt, his wife just looked annoyed at his presence. Kylo flicked his wrist in the air and the car doors opened, causing the trio to jump back slightly in a startle. Kylo reached for Griffin's arm but he pulled it away, ducking behind his mother and still cowering in fear. It broke Kylo's heart, but that was why he had thought of this plan in the first place. “Get in the car, son. Go have a good day at preschool.”

Wow, that was a sentence Kylo never thought he would say in his life until now. “And you.” He turned toward Finn and acknowledged him bitterly. Finn looked up at him from previously eyeing up his son. “Take my son to his preschool and make sure he has everything he needs.”

“Woah, woah, Listen here. That is my-” Finn started bravely, Kylo didn't need to hear what he thought he was going to finish his sentence with.

“NOW!” Kylo boomed over the man's protests, all three of them flinched at the height of his voice. Kylo regretted his decision instantly when Griffin started to cry. He had been too loud and it frightened his son. Kylo looked down at him as his mother was shuffling him into the car, Finn was speed walking around to the driver's side getting ready to get in and drive off away from Kylo. “Y/n, get in. Come on get in.” He encouraged y/n to get into the car, but before she could move Kylo took a hold of her hand and yanked her away.

He watched as a wild look of anger splayed across Finn's face. He exited the vehicle and quickly found his way over to Kylo, being bold and brazen enough to grab him by the shoulders and try to fight him to free y/n's hand. Kylo could have easily fought him off, picked him up with the Force and kicked his sorry ass out of the way, but from inside the car he heard small shrieks; “No! Mommy!” His son was afraid, afraid of what Kylo was doing to Finn and his mother. He pressed his little red, tear stained face against the glass and bawled, his tears creating small rivulets running down the window. His cries and screams were muffled, but still struck Kylo right in his heart. He had to put an end to this fiasco.

He hit Finn hard enough in the mouth to get him off of him, y/n gasped as soon as he did. “You're scaring my son, traitor. Now get in that car and take him to preschool. Don't come back until we contact you. We have important matters to discuss.”

His wife looked on sadly at the scene, she had known Kylo enough to not fight him over anything like this, unlike the storm trooper. She took a step toward him just as Finn had steadied himself, Kylo welcomed her into his arms, to which Finn protested greatly. “Y/n, what?! You can't be serious. You're really gonna listen to this-”

“Finn please, just go. I'll sort this out.” His wife said with a sigh, relaxing in defeat under his arm. Finn looked at her shocked, took another look down at Griffin who was still crying in the car, a fearful reaction no doubt. “Okay, y/n. Just, call me if you need me, okay? I'll be-”

“Leave, Storm Trooper.” Kylo cut in, Finn obeyed his former boss, sinking into the car and driving off in the direction of the library.

 

–

“What the fuck do you want?!” You yelled at the top of your lungs after slamming the door. “You said you would never come by here again after you got to see Griffin, why are you here?” You were livid, so angry that Kylo had the audacity to show up after seeing how clearly no one-not even his own son- wanted him around. Kylo sauntered cooley over to the dining room table where they had their last conversation. “I want to make a deal with you.” He removed his helmet and sat it on the table as he sit down, pointing with his hand to the other chair. “Sit.”

“I'm not making a single deal with you, Kylo. Please leave my home, in case you couldn't tell you're not welcome here!”

“Just sit, love. Please, just hear me out.” Kylo pleaded with you, but you didn't comply. “Fine, I'll speak with you standing then.” He said. You rolled your eyes, walking over to the window to prepare for whatever Kylo had to say to you. Secretly you were hoping he'd see you weren't interested in what he had to say and would just leave you alone.

“I want to spend more time with my son.” You dropped your head into your hands. “Oh, Kylo.” You sighed. The man really had no idea. If that was the deal Kylo wanted to work out with you then the answer would always be no. “You and that traitor made my own son afraid of me, it needs to change.” You scoffed, laughing just a bit in the process. “No, Kylo. _You_ made your own son afraid of you. He's been observant of you over the past and made that decision on his own. You only have yourself to blame for that.” You turned around as you scolded Kylo, you couldn't believe he blamed you for Griffin's fear over Kylo. He learned about Kylo from the people around him talking about the atrocities Kylo had committed, just because Kylo was Griffin's father doesn't make him a good person.

“That should not matter, y/n. You've known he was my child since the day he was born, why haven't you told him yet?

“Because he has a father, Kylo. He doesn't need you.” You crossed your arms over your chest, the blood rushing to your face in anger felt so good. You weren't sure where all of this anger was coming from, but you felt like you were getting an entire year of pent up anger off of your chest by yelling at him. “And I didn't want to make him a target, how would the other kids and even adults around him react to knowing he was fathered by our enemy?!”

Kylo stared at you through slits in his eyes, his mouth parted as he took in a shaky breath. You didn't know if he was about to cry or blow up at you again. He shook his head slightly before continuing his speech. “You knew I wanted a baby with you so badly. You knew when you were pregnant that it could be mine, and you knew when he was born. Y/n, don't you see how hurt I am?” Once again, you rolled your eyes as you heard his voice crack. You tried desperately not to pity the man, but it was difficult. All those months of period and symptom tracking, all the pregnancy tests that he stole from the Star Killer medbay, all the diet changes and medications and so on and so forth: it was all basically for nothing now that Griffin had rejected Kylo.

“But, Kylo. You must understand where I'm coming from. Griffin doesn't understand you. All he knows is the Resistance and the First Order. He knows us and he knows them. To him, you're nothing but his enemy. I'm sorry it had to be like this, but it's true. Don't you know how upset and afraid Griffin would be if I sat him down one day and told him that Kylo Ren, our enemy, is his father? A four year old wouldn't be able to handle it that well!”

“Which is exactly why this plan will work so well. I want to have a relationship with my son, and I want to be the one to tell him that he's my son.” With an exasperated sigh you threw your hands in the air, feeling thoroughly defeated and defenseless. Kylo was so hardheaded and stubborn, there was just no way of getting out of this conversation. “And what exactly is this plan and how much am I going to hate it?” You said, annoyed. “I wasn't planning on you hating it at all, love. Just that you'd cooperate with me.” There was silence, you were simply waiting for him to move the conversation forward.

He sighed, looking down at the table for a moment before continuing. He was nervous, his leg moving a million miles a minute under the table. “I want to take Griffin back to Star Killer with me.”

You broke out in an unintentional laugh, throwing your head back and closing your eyes. “Oh hell no.” You said as you started walking toward your tablet to call Finn and some back up to your house. “Y/n, listen to-”

“No, I'm done listening to you. I'm not letting you take my son back to that cold prison Kylo. You must think I'm a degenerate now that I'm a member of the Resistance.”

“No, y/n, I can't think such a thing about my own wife. Although I'm extremely upset that you didn't seek out a way back home once you were flown onto this base, I still know that you're a sworn member of the Order. You are my wife after all.” You shook your head, looking toward the front door. “Whatever, Kylo. I don't care what you have to say, my answer is still no. Now if you could kindly-” You had started to point to the door, ready to kick him out for good.

“I just want him for a few days, maybe over the weekend.”

“No, goodbye.”

“Please, y/n. My son, I want to get to know my son!” You could see Kylo's eyes watering again. “Are you going to deny our son knowledge of his true liniage? Are you going to lie to him for the rest of his life for the sake of not upsetting him?” The emotions were strong coming from him, you could tell he was being sincere with his pleas. In those moment Kylo wasn't the Jedi Killer everyone had come to know him as, he wasn't your enemy. He wasn't the man that had kept you locked in his rooms and chained to his bed.

Kylo was a father who lost his son before he even got to meet him. Kylo was a broken father who wanted nothing more than to love the son that he created with you, he wanted Griffin to be proud of his dad, to be proud to carry the Ren surname, and to just love him as the father that he was.

The sight of the tears dripping down Kylo's face hurt your soul. In your mind you knew it was the right thing to do, that Kylo deserved time with his son just like any other father did. You knew there were men out there that would beg to trade places with Kylo, who want nothing to do with their kids. But that wasn't Kylo, Kylo wanted to be a father to the child the two of you created.

You sighed, it was the right thing to do, but you worried about Griffin being by himself with Kylo. You worried about what would happen without you around, and most importantly you didn't want to get news that your son wasn't coming home because Kylo decided to ship him off to someone to be trained to be a Storm trooper or something.

It hurt to actually say this, and you knew not a single soul on the base would approve, but what could you do? Deep down inside you felt like Kylo wasn't giving you a choice. He could march right up to Griffin's school and just take him if he wanted to. At least you were given the option to peacefully allow Kylo to transition into Griffin's life.

“O-okay. Kylo. Okay.” You said, you looked away as you saw Kylo's eyes light up. “But under one condition...” Kylo jumped up from the table and ran all the way to you, grasping you gently by your elbows and looking at you desperately, wanting to hear what your condition was. “Anything, my love. Just tell me.”

“I'm coming with you and I stay with Griffin at all times.” Kylo frantically nodded his head, twin tears dripped down his cheeks at your request. “Done. I'll never let him out of your sight. Pack your things, we'll head off at once.”

“No, Kylo!” He had started to head back to the front door, no doubt excited to start preparations for you and Griffin, but he had made a jerked movement back to look at you. He looked sad, like he was preparing to hear you change your mind. “Let's wait, this coming weekend. Three days from now, it'll give me time to prepare him and Finn and everyone else. Then we'll come stay with you for a few days.” Kylo looked on, saddened by your request to wait it out. He looked as if he wanted to deny you, to grasp you by the hand and pull you away.

“Okay. Three days. I'll be back for you two in three days.” Kylo bent down and, against your silent will, placed a kiss on top of your head. Without another look he turned and left your house, leaving you standing alone and empty in your dining room. Had this been a good idea? You truly didn't know. You were going to find out in three days, you were hoping for a good outcome but planning for a detrimental one.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just recently started bullet journaling. Best decision of my life.


	10. No Regrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just for funsies I googled "Griffin Han Solo" and the only thing that came up was Peter Griffin from Family guy dressed up as Han Solo lol.

After Griffin was released from school you stayed for an additional ten minutes so that Griffin could play with his little group of friends while you stood at the counter and chatted up other moms and the librarian. It was always the same, “Oh, how's Griffin?” “He's wonderful! How's Chelsea?” “She's great, How is Riley?” until the conversation would shift to what was being made for dinner or what their child's home activities looked like for the day. Basic mom chat, you had mastered it all by the time Griffin was two when more children started showing up on the Base.

This time was a tad bit different, you had a new person coming to talk with you and your mom friends. A person you could have gone the rest of your life without seeing again. “So, heard you're going back to Kylo Ren. Does your boyfriend approve?” You sipped your water, looking away from her. This was the newly recruited spy that spent a number of months within the First Order, and my god was she annoying. Before the mission you tried to warn her before hand not to go, you told her it would practically be a death sentence for her if she got too close to Kylo Ren. She had invited you out for some drinks early after Griffin was born, she wanted to know any helpful information you could tell her about Star Killer and Kylo Ren. You didn't have much to say, other than steer clear of that maniac, but based off of a sexually explicit rumor you heard about her you assumed she had not taken your advice. That girl was trouble, as soon as you saw her stumble back through the gates of the Resistance your eyes rolled.

“I'm only going for a visit, strictly for my son.” You gulped, already annoyed at this conversation. What gave her the right to ask if Finn would approve of you taking Griffin to see his dad, even though you hadn't asked him yet. “Oh, well I'm glad to see you're taking him. Was he here? Was Kylo Ren here?” You looked at your mom friends for help, but they were all sipping on their coffee looking at each other instead of you. “Um, yeah, he was here.” A strange smile spread across her face. She was happy, almost too happy for Kylo to have been here. You were beginning to think those rumors were true. “Oh, damn. Just missed him.” She giggled. “Well, when you see him again give him a kiss for me.”

You had almost vomited in your mouth at her words. “Give him a...why would I be kissing Kylo Ren? He's my ex husband!” You were outraged, could hardly hide the disgust on your face at her request. Your tone had gotten louder and you had drawn the attention of people around the library, except for your mom friends who were quietly shuffling away from you. The girl, however, didn't seem embarrassed in the slightest. She just sat there smiling at you as you steamed, if you didn't know any better you would say she had upset you on purpose. She shrugged her shoulders, now smiling at the ground. “I don't know, I just miss him. I'm jealous of you, I guess.” She playfully cut her eyes at you, giggling once more. “I want to kiss him again, I want to go back and see him and I guess I'm just upset it's you and not me.”

You gripped your water tightly, that man beat you and held you hostage and got you pregnant against you will. Everyone on the base knew that, and _she_ knew that because you, yourself, had told her! And she wants to see him? You couldn't hold back, couldn't hold back at all. Your arm went back behind you and soon the water from your bottle was cascading all over the girl, soaking her and her short ass, low cut, whorish looking dress down to almost nothing. She screamed at the top of her lungs, jumping back a little too late as your water dripped down off of her and onto the floor. If people weren't staring at you before, they sure were now.

“Mommy! That's bullying!” Griffin shouted from across the library at you, everyone in the library had heard it and had seen the shit show play out, your cheeks had roses blooming brightly in them. As you walked as quickly as you could over to Griffin and his friends you were reminded why you were there in the first place, but why was she there? Did she have a child in Griffin's preschool that you didn't know about? Was she volunteering in the library? Or did she simply come over to torture you?

“Let's go Griffin.” You said as you grabbed his backpack and his lunchbox and storming out of the main library. You held onto his hand as you pulled him behind you, wanting to get away from all of the eyes that bore into both your and your promiscuous look alike. As you left you could hear the woman start sobbing loudly and dramatically. “Fucking bitch!” She shouted after you, to which you ignored.

 

Back at home you and your family sat around your small dinner table eating the spicy chili macaroni and cheese you had made for dinner. It was both Finn and Griffin's favorite food, you found yourself making it at least three times a week if not more. As Griffin went on and on about his day at school to Finn you sat there playing with your bowl, still upset about the deal you struck with Kylo and about what that girl said to you. “And dad! Mommy was bullying someone today! I saw her throw-ded water on someone today after school when I was playing with Elise and Reagan!”

Finn shot you a puzzled look, to which you looked back down into your food and sighed. “It's 'threw,' Griffin. Mommy 'threw' her water at someone.”

“And why did this happen?” Finn asked inquisitively. “You know it's not right to bully anyone, mommy.” Finn said smiling, but the recent events that involved you wouldn't allow you to smile back at him. “Griffin, are you done eating?”You asked, ready to jump into the conversation you had been dreading all day with Finn. “I think so.” Griffin said as he removed the bowl from his face, he always loved trying to lick the cheese from the bowl. “Go to your room and play with your toys. Mommy and daddy have to talk.”

Ever so obedient, Griffin ran his bowl to the sink and then went into his room, shutting the door behind him. It wasn't often that you told him to play with his toys, you were usually telling him to stop playing with his toys to do his homework, get ready to go, or to go to bed, among other things. “So, you threw water on someone eh?” Finn asked.

“It was an accident.” You defended yourself with a lie. You didn't want to tell Finn that you had lost your cool and became such a bad role model for all of the children watching you. “An accident. Right. Who did you accidentally throw water on?” You ran your tongue against the inside of your cheek, hesitating. Finn had known about this girl and he didn't mind her. She and him were cool and you hadn't told him about your qualms with her.

“That spy girl.” You mumbled, grabbing his empty bowl along with yours and taking it to the sink as well. You hadn't finished your food, barely even touched. You took your food and dumped it back into the pot for left overs as Finn crossed his arms over his chest. “Oh, her. Is she still around?”

“She was at the library today, bothering me as she normally does.” Finn laughed at you, something you didn't take too kindly to. “I didn't know you had it out for her, my dear. What happened?” You explained to him what she said and did to you, what she shouted at you as you and Griffin were leaving. Finn shook his head, offering you a quiet “how inconsiderate” as the gears ticked in his mind. “But you won't be seeing him again, why did she think you were going to kiss him?” You blinked, now was the time to tell him about Kylo's grand scheme. You were nervous, didn't know how to even begin to tell him that his son would be in the custody of his sworn enemy in just a few days. You knew Finn would react badly, he hated no one else more than he hated Kylo. He would be disappointed in you for striking such a deal, but there was no way out of it now, Finn would just have to live with it.

“Because, because Kylo is coming back.”

“I figured that man wouldn't let up. He won't be coming anywhere near you or Griffin anymore though, I've put in an order for my own blaster.” Finn held his thumb and pointer finger up like a gun. “I'll blow that mans bucket right off of his head if he even so much as breathes in your direction.” A new silent 'pew' noise left his lips and he smiled playfully at you, but you were weren't in a playful mood. “That won't be necessary, Finn.” You said, turning from the sink after rinsing the bowls out. “You don't want him dead? He asked, confused. No, even after all the unspeakable things he had done to you, you were firm in your belief in not wanting him to die. You had to just come right out and say it, there was no other way around it and you didn't want to lead Finn on, you feared it would just make things a lot worse.

“No, Finn. It's not that. It's, it's...ugh!” You could feel the tears forming in the back of your eye sockets, this was going to be a lot harder on you than you thought. Finn had opened his mouth and started to say something to you, but you cut him off wanting to quickly get to the point. “Kylo and I agreed that I'd take Griffin to visit him this weekend. We're going to Star Killer so that Kylo can spend some time with him.” You dropped one of the bowls into the sink with so much force that it shattered, creating some silence between you and Finn.

It wasn't until then that you realized how stressed out you were. You were so stressed you violently broke a dish when Finn wasn't even pressuring you to give up answers.

“What, y/n?” Finn nearly whispered to you. He could clearly see you were agitated and didn't want to push you further over the edge, he always did that with his soft voice. You were shaking, just seconds away from a break down as you realized just how unsafe and insecure this plan made you feel. “I said, Griffin and I-”

“No, I heard it the first time. Just, what does it mean?”

“What do you mean, 'what does it mean' Finn? It means exactly what it sounds like.” Finn looked on at you, stunned completely still at your words. “Okay, and is this a plan that you agreed to, or were you forced into it by that man?”

“I agreed. I mean, he had a point. Griffin deserved to know who his actual father is.” You knew how unsure of yourself you sounded, Finn was doubting you. “Y/n, we can just tell him that! You and him don't need to go spending time on our enemy base for Griffin to know-”

“Shhh.” You silenced him, he was getting too loud and you didn't want Griffin to know that the two of you were fighting with each other. Finn rolled his eyes, his face now turning quite concerned. “I'll go into his room and tell him right now, I'll show him a picture of Kylo and show him the slight resemblances he has to him. You don't need to go with Kylo y/n, it's unsafe!”

“You don't think I didn't argue this with Kylo, Finn? Please, I lived there with his for a year and I know how to keep both Griffin and I safe.”

“I won't allow you, y/n. You're putting yourself and my son in danger by going through with this plan. I won't allow it!”

“You can't do that, Finn! I'm an adult and I can make my own damn decisions about my son who, by the way, is not biologically yours!”

“Are you really defending that man, y/n?! Defending him after all of these awful things he did to you and Griffin? I can't fucking believe you!”

“It's only for a weekend, Finn. I'm going to come right back! It's not like I'm going to move in with him!”

The conversation became a yelling match once again as the tears streamed down your face. Yesterday you were fighting with your ex husband about not pursuing this plan while today you were fighting with your boyfriend about how badly you wanted to pursue this plan. It was like you were in the Twilight Zone, never in your life did you think you'd be fighting for your right to visit your ex kidnapper and rapist.

You and Finn were shouting and spouting nonsense at the top of your lungs, he argued that he'd do anything to keep you from going and you arguing that you were taking Griffin no matter what. Back and forth until you heard Griffin squeak behind you. “Mama?” The yelling ceased immediately, Finn's eyes moved to the floor behind you as you turned to see an unsure little boy.

“Hey, baby.” You said, happy for the distraction. It was an excuse to stop all fighting with Finn, you knew he never wanted Griffin to see his parents fighting. “Mama, you're bullying daddy! Bullying is bad remember!?” Every since you had this conversation Griffin had been stuck on this idea of bullying, you were happy the idea finally stuck in his head, but what you and Finn were doing right now definitely wasn't bullying. “I know, Griffin. I'll apologize to him later.” Behind you Finn rolled his eyes.

“I want bath time please.” Griffin said to you. It was 7 pm, he must have seen the time on the clock in his room. 7 pm was always bath time, and after bath time it was bed time. “Okay, go grab your towel and get ready in your bedroom. I'll be there in just a minute. You said to Griffin, who then took off running down the hall to his bedroom. You looked at Finn, flashing him a sympathetic look. The two of you said nothing else to each other all evening long, fearing you'd wake Griffin with your arguing.

 

Three days came and went fast. On the third day you waited outside for Kylo Ren's command shuttle to touch down right in front of your house. It was a Friday morning and Griffin was wondering why he wasn't going to school today. He had his backpack which was filled with small action figures, blocks, coloring books and crayons, and whatever else you could think of to keep him busy over the next two days. You had a suitcase packed which held two days worth of clothes for both you and Griffin, your heavy winter jackets, tooth brushes and toothpaste, snacks, and your new sketchbook to keep you busy as well.

Finn was nowhere to be seen, having left the night before without telling you where he went. He still hadn't come back, you knew it was out of anger. You had decided not to tell Griffin what was happening in fear that he'd be afraid and Finn would use his fear against you. You sighed as you watched your innocent little boy coloring on the sidewalk in front of your house with some colorful chalk Finn had bought him, often looking up and asking you to look at his drawings. You heard the engines up above you and looked up; There Kylo was flying down in his Command shuttle just like he promised. You had cold feet, ready to grab Griffin and run away, seeking out Finn to tell him you were wrong about arguing and wanted his protection against Kylo. But it was much too late, Griffin had already spied the funny looking ship as it got closer and closer to the ground. “Mama?” Was the only thing he could say, he was so captivated by it. You stood, watching the ship touch down and send sand flying across your house.

You moved to grab Griffin as he stood himself on his feet, he had his back slightly bent back as to take in the massive sight of the shuttle. The mouth of the shuttle dropped to the ground and three storm troopers marched out. Griffin became scared as they moved closer and closer to him, turning to run behind your legs and hug you. You could hear him start crying as Kylo Ren ascended the ramp down to the two of you, you reached back behind you and patted his head, reassuring him that everything would be alright.

Around you people were leaving their houses to see what was going on, poking their heads out for a nanosecond and pulling them back in as they saw the storm troopers and Kylo Ren. “Y/n.” Was the only thing that came through the modulator of his mask. You nodded your head in reply, then watched as he looked down behind you. “Hi Griffin.” The greeting sounded a lot friendlier than the one he spoke to you. You had to remember that his encounter was for Griffin, not about you. Griffin said nothing but you felt him bury his face into the backs of your knees for protection.

Griffin gave no reply, instead Kylo reached his hand out for your suitcase. You handed it to him, taking one more look around for Finn. He was nowhere to be seen, you feared that by stepping onto that ship you would end your relationship with Finn forever. You took in a shaky breath as you reached around for Griffin's hand, it was time.

Kylo watched you force your terrified child out from behind you, willing him to walk forward onto the ship with you. “No, mommy! I don't want to go on there! No!!” Griffin screamed between his sobs, it broke your heard seven ways to Sunday. In the end you had to just pick him up, hoist him over your shoulder all while he was kicking the mess out of you, and press on. You were doing this for Griffin's benefit, not yours.

You followed Kylo up the ramp and into the shuttle, you knew your way around this ship and knew you'd want to be going to the small bed chamber in the back. You followed Kylo's lead, watching him unlock the door and walking in. He dropped your suitcase on the floor next to the door just as you moved to the bed, sitting down with Griffin straddling your lap and crying into the crook of your neck. “Have you told him about this day?” You shook your head sadly, it was the only thing you could do to stop yourself from crying as well. “Very well then.” Kylo said, you could hardly hear him over Griffin's screams. “I'll leave the two of you alone, maybe you could tell him on our way over.”

Griffin had turned just his head around to look at Kylo, you knew it was his brave side starting to take over him. This was now the third time he had seen Kylo Ren and not a single one of those times has Kylo Ren hurt him, he was catching on. You nodded your head at Kylo, toying with the idea in your head on if you wanted to explain to him on your way over or not. He was too emotional, he may not get the gist if you explained it to him now.

After Kylo had left you turned to look out of the port window, watching as your neighbors began to exit their homes once again to gawk at what had just happened. There was still no sign of Finn. As Kylo started up the shuttle and it began to shake to life you fully regretted ever agreeing to this, Griffin was terrified of not knowing what was going on, you were terrified of not knowing where you stand with Finn, and you were sure Kylo was terrified for some reason as well. This entire situation was hopeless and you feared there would be a huge negative outcome waiting for you somewhere in this equation.

You should have just listened to Finn.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reader is a lot feistier now than she was in Teach Me. But is that a good thing? Will it carry over at Kylo's house this weekend?


	11. An Accident Waiting to Happen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Psssst.....there's a sentence or two in this chapter that foreshadows an event that takes place in the third installment. I thought it was clever, but we'll just have to wait and see!

In your lap Griffin pulled at his ears, a sign that he was stressed out to an extremely unsafe level. You felt terrible and irresponsible for not telling him beforehand, you felt like a lot of this could have been avoided if you had just explained to him what was going to be happening before Kylo landed in front of your home. You cuddled him close, at least by now he had stopped crying and was just stressing out in your lap.

“Griffin, mommy has something to tell you.”

“Mmm?” He hummed in response, he looked like a corpse while he just stared coldly at the wall ahead of you. His skin had always been pretty pale but today it seemed to almost resemble snow. You didn't know how to proceed in this conversation with your son. Would you tell him Kylo is his father? Would you tell him the two of you were going to live with him for the next two days? Would you assure him that you would be back with Finn after two days? All of these questions buzzed around in your head, you wished you had a fellow adult to discuss this issue with. Finn had gotten angry at you and left, and you didn't want to ask Kylo for advice, fearing his answer would be extremely biased. You were on your own with this conversation, and you hated it.

“Do you know where we're going?” Griffin dropped his hands into his lap and leaned his head back against your chest, he shook his head back and forth slowly, you could tell he was just as lost as you were. “We're going to the First Order.” You had expected more tears from him but you got nothing. The poor boy was so afraid he just sat there silently as you told him he was about to end up with his enemies. “We're going to um. You and I are...”

How do you tell your innocent, precious, son, your son that you want to do nothing but protect from all the evil people and things in this world, that his mother was willingly taking him to his number one enemy and biggest fear because the man he had come to know as his father was a lie?

“We're going to spend some time with Kylo Ren.” It was the only sentence you could think of, and it broke your heart to hear the words leaving your lips. “But, but I don't wanna spend time with Kylo Ren.” Griffin replied, his voice rising with just a hint of tears. You bowed your head into his hair and took a huge whiff that ended with a heavy sigh, last night you had used his favorite shampoo conditioner to wash his hair; he smelled like fresh peaches. “I know, son. I know. Your mommy hardly had a choice though, but I promise we'll be going back home in a few days.”

“But I wanna go back home now.”

“I know, I know.”

“I wanna see daddy, mama.” You cringed, you were sure Kylo would want to waste no time in revealing who he truly was to Griffin. You almost felt like fleeing as soon as the ship touched down in the snow just to save Griffin from the trauma of having to learn about his true paternity. You were certain that if you messaged Finn and told him everything had gone sideways just as he had predicted he would come and snatch you guys up faster than you could say “I was wrong.”

But no, you had argued so hard for your right to be here and your pride was getting in the way, you would have to just hope for the best.

You and Griffin sat silent for the rest of the ride, unable to continue the conversation any further in fear of scaring the poor boy. You hadn't been paying attention to the window until you saw the outside change dramatically. No longer was it black with a twinkle here and there from the stars, it was now white with hints and tints of grey. As the ship slowed you could clearly see that you had landed in the hangar, it was now time to face the music.

You pushed Griffin off of your lap and moved to your suitcase, if memory served correctly the hangar was cold, and it would be quite a walk before you could get to some warmth so you wanted Griffin to wear his heavy snow coat. As you unzipped the bag you noticed something quite troubling, it wasn't cold in your bunker. There wasn't even the slightest chill. It was September, meaning back at home it would start getting colder but no, on Star Killer Base it was warm. You stood back up and saw that Griffin had followed you over to the corner, not wanting there to be any space there didn't need to be in between the two of you.

Just as you turned to tell him it wasn't cold and he wouldn't need a jacket the door swung open and in charged Kylo Ren. At the sight of the tall man coming through the door Griffin fell backward onto his behind, startled to see him once again. Kylo looked down at him and then back up at you as you took a step back to partially defend your baby. “You'll be happy to know we're not on Star Killer, and we won't be there for the weekend.” Grasping onto the back of your pants Griffin pulled himself up and stared right back at Kylo, peeking from behind your legs. “Is, is that so?”

Kylo bent down to zip your suitcase back up and pick it up, motioning with his hand for you and Griffin to follow. “Come, son.” You said, holding your hand out to Griffin. Obediently he took a hold of it, letting you lead him out of the shuttle and down the ramp.

“I've decided to make our stay aboard The Finalizer, it's stationed right outside of D'Qar's atmosphere and it'll be a quick ride for you and the boy, should you want the weekend to be cut short and go home.” You breathed a quiet sigh of relief, but quickly realized that the man was full of broken promises. Would this be one of them? If you truly wanted to go home early, would Kylo really let you?

You nodded, gripping Griffin's hand tighter as the world around you began to come to life. There were TIE Fighters beginning to dock and fly off, there were formations of Storm Troopers marching in and out of the hangar, black pilot troopers marched around as well, you were unfortunately back into the hustle and bustle of the First Order.

Kylo started to walk forward and so did you, but Griffin wouldn't budge. He just stood there looking up at all of the commotion going on around him. The sound of the troopers boots hitting the steel floor, the sound of engines revving and coming to life, all of the mechanical noises and all of the storm trooper chatter, you imagined it was all too over stimulating for him. You squatted down in front of him and his attention was immediately drawn to you. “Hey, Griffin? You alright?” His eyes went from begging you to get him out of there back to his environment, he was just star struck by everything going on around him. Back at home was peaceful, lots of greenery and other children laughing and playing around. But here was nothing but man made everything, and to your knowledge no children. It was a big, scary change for him, you would just have to help him get used to it for the weekend.

“Come my darling, we need to get moving.” You said as you looked up at Kylo. He had stopped and looked over his shoulder at you, wondering what the hold up was. Once again you pulled on Griffin's arm, the cinder blocks around his feet had finally broken and he began moving, one step at a time.

You had only spent three days on the Finalizer in the year you had come to know Kylo Ren, you didn't even pretend to know where you were going. You just idly followed him, your small child's hand in yours. During your time on the Finalizer you had only been to the medbay and Kylo's quarters, you didn't know where anything else was. Griffin was drinking in his surroundings, staring at everything with eyes wider than you could have ever seen. The poor boy was afraid, of course, but at the same time you could see his curious nature taking over. He realized that nothing was going to hurt him as he walked throughout these hallways, and now he was just observing. Seeing the storm troopers march, seeing the pipes sticking out of the grey walls, it was all so interesting to him.

The three of you walked and walked until you were met with a horrifyingly familiar door. As Kylo kept going your steps seem to die off, you were just about ten feet away but even then you felt like you were way too close. This was the front door to the room that your virginity was forcibly taken from you in, the room where you had to spend three days completely naked, the room where you were first beaten in.

You could feel your heartbeat increase rapidly, you went weak in the knees as you doubled over in complete emotional pain. When Kylo had said you'd be staying on the Finalizer instead of Star Killer you hadn't thought of this room, if you had you would have objected right then and there. You watched as Kylo stalked into the room, motion sensor lights bringing the bed you were first raped in into view. Just at the sight your clutched your stomach, let go of Griffin's hand, and vomited all over the ground. Griffin stepped back, looking at you in horror, to you knowledge Griffin had never seen you throw up, but he did know that throwing up was a bad thing and was probably even more afraid that something bad was happening to his beloved mommy. The commotion drew Kylo's attention, and as he saw you in such distress he dropped your suitcase at the door and ran up to Griffin, grabbing his hand and beginning to pull him into the room.

“Ab-Absolutely not!” You said between sniffles and clearing your throat. “Griffin, come to mommy, come here now!” You held out your hand as you moved to sit upright, Griffin tried to free himself from Kylo but it didn't work in his favor, Kylo instead pulled him harder through the door. “Your mother needs help, son. Stand in there and don't move.” Kylo was now rushing over to you, squatting down at your side and wrapping his arms protectively around you. You tried your hardest to throw him off of you, to get to your son who was now standing alone in that vile room, but Kylo wouldn't let you go.

“Shh, my love. Relax. You're upset, you just need to relax.” Kylo attempted to shush you, to calm you down but it didn't work in the slightest. “Griffin, come to your mommy, please!” You hated Griffin being so far away from you, especially since Kylo was currently holding you down. “Y/n, relax. Griffin is fine. Just calm down and you can see him again.” You listened to what Kylo was saying carefully, considered your current action and how it was affecting the people around you. You straightened your back and looked up at Griffin who was standing absolutely terrified in the door way, looking on at your melt down like he was afraid you'd die right in front of him.

As you stood, wiping your mouth free of your vomit, Kylo let go of you. You made your way toward your son, going head first into the room that scared you so much before. You looked at nothing but him, squatting down and picking him up, cuddling him close because often your son was the only thing that could calm you down. He loved you unconditionally, he wouldn't be like Finn and ignore you when he was upset at you, he wouldn't be like Kylo and beat you whenever he was in a bad mood. He was your son, and he loved you no matter what.

You composed yourself, taking in deep breaths and grounding yourself by clutching Griffin's jet black hair, once your were calm you turned and looked at Kylo who was standing idly by the door, looking on at you two from behind his helmet. You walked up to him slowly, your tears drying on your face. Once you were as close as you felt comfortable you looked right into the eye holes of his mask with the utmost serious look on your face. “Don't you dare touch him again.” You said, not even sticking around for him to reply. Instead you turned and carried your son to the leather couch that was in the center of the room, refusing to look to your right at the bed.

Behind you Kylo had unlatched his helmet and removed it, setting it on the kitchen counter. Both you and Griffin watched him as he walked through the small kitchen area, stopping briefly at the fridge where he pulled out a bottle of water and some juice. Your skin crawled as he reached into the cabinet you had hidden in on your first day and pulled out two cups, one was a regular glass and the other a bright blue and green sippy cup. You looked at the big TV and wondered if having it on would help Griffin relax just a bit, and as soon as you turned to look at the remote the TV cut on, causing you and Griffin to jump nearly out of your skin. You had to remember that Kylo possessed the Force.

“Pocoyo!” Griffin shouted excitedly, Pocoyo was his favorite show. How Kylo knew Pocoyo was his favorite you didn't know and you didn't care to know, you were just happy to see Griffin was distracted for a while. You took another look back at Kylo who was pouring the juice into the sippy cup, something that Griffin hadn't used in quite sometime but you were too afraid to speak up about. He was so concentrated on the task, so silent and so determined to be a good host for two days. He looked up at you, you immediately looked back at the children's show in response. The small boy dressed in nothing but blue jumped and cartwheeled all across the screen with his elephant friend, so carefree and full of life, unlike Griffin who was rigid and afraid. The difference was staggering.

Kylo walked over to the two of you with the cups in his hands, as always his face was unreadable. He could be angry, happy, afraid, or love struck and you would never know because he always carried such a neutral expression. He had started to hand the sippy cup to Griffin but you used your free hand to push the cup away. He looked at you offended, could he really not remember the time he accused you of trying to poison him while it was just you two? “Drink some.” You said, he scowled, looking at you like you were crazy. “Do you really believe I would try and poison my own child y/n?”

“I have reason to believe you would do a lot of things to us, if given the opportunity.” You retorted confidently. He huffed, and with an eyeroll unscrewed the cap and took a swing, leaving the majority of the juice for Griffin. He stared at you, waiting for your approval as he screwed the cap back on, Griffin was still lost in his cartoon. “The-The other one too. Drink that one.”

“Y/n are we really going to do this?”

“Drink it...” You gritted your teeth, taking control was something much easier to do when you had your little boy to protect. “Or we're leaving.” Kylo huffed, lifting the other glass to his mouth and taking another swing. “There, are you happy now?” You nodded your head once, took both of the cups from him and handed the one to Griffin. “Here, juice.” You said, Griffin pulled his attention away from the TV and reached for the cup of juice, examining it closely before sticking the spout into his mouth and sucking. Under normal circumstances he would have protested the “baby cup” as he called them, but you guessed he was just too stressed and was happy to have a familiar taste and show to watch so he didn't complain.

Kylo walked off in the direction of the kitchen, your stomach grumbled as you realized he was gone. It was then you didn't realize what time it was. It could be close to lunch time for Griffin for all you knew, and then what? You'd have to ask Kylo for some food. You dreaded the thought, having to ask for food once again instead of just being able to make food yourself. It was incredibly demeaning and scary.

You remembered the last time you were here there was an alarm clock on the bedside table next to the bed, you could turn around and see if it was still there but the thought alone gave you some pretty serious anxiety. Maybe just one quick look, that's all you would need to know. You didn't even have to look at the bed, just the nightstand. You decided to give it a try, swallowing the thick coating of saliva that had built up in your mouth you looked to your right, past the wall that housed the port window you tried to break out of, past the nightstand that you called yours while you were on the Finalizer, past the perfectly made up bed, and right at the nightstand. 1:24 pm, way past Griffin's regularly scheduled lunch time at preschool.

As you brought your head back to the television you couldn't help but to stop and stare at the port window. The night you found out you'd be staying with Kylo forever you had lost your cool to an extreme degree. You closed your eyes and could see the room perfectly from that night: The TV smashed, the chairs and tables overturned, the food thrown around the fridge, and most importantly the bloodstains from your fingers and hands on the wall.

You took in a shaky breath, that night was awful. You held Griffin to you a lot tighter as a way to keep the tears at bay, now was not the time for this.

“Y/n, relax, please. I want this to be enjoyable for all three of us.” Kylo said as he came around the corner of the couch again, this time with another chair and a plate full of...

A plate full of smores?

“Smores!” Griffin shouted as he nearly sprang from your lap toward Kylo. You held him back, allowing Kylo some time to situate himself in the chair with the plate of sugary snacks. Once he did he smiled at his son's enthusiasm, picking one of them up and fitting the entire thing into his mouth. “See, mommy? I ate one so now Griffin can have one right?”

“Mama, I want a smore please.” Griffin asked quietly. You noticed that he was much more relaxed with Kylo's small acts of kindness toward the two of you, something you weren't too happy about. In a perfect world where Kylo was introduced to his son like this, Griffin would hate him so much so that Kylo would want nothing to do with him, sending him away and wanting nothing to do with his son. Then and only then, Griffin would be safe.

With a huge, chocolatey smile Kylo held out the plate to Griffin, Griffin took one in both of his hands and immediately shoved it into his mouth, smearing the marshmallow and chocolate all over his lips and face. “Is it good Griffin?” Kylo asked. He nodded his head and reciprocated Kylo's messy grin. “I made these before picking you two up. You should try one, y/n.” You looked down at the plate, there's no way Kylo made these. You just couldn't imagine him standing over a fire, or an oven or whatever roasting the marshmallows and sticking them together with the graham crackers and chocolate. Kylo was just too big, too manly for that.

“I'm alright.” You said, looking back at the TV. You wanted so badly to not enjoy your time with Kylo, you were hoping after this one visit he would leave the two of you alone so you would have no reason to want to go back. “Are you sure, love? They're delicious.”

“I said I'm fine, Kylo.” You replied with a hint of irritation in your voice. Kylo never asked you again, just looked up at the TV to see what kind of kids shows his son enjoyed watching.

A few moments of nothing but the happy and excited sounds of Pocoyo and the crunching coming from Kylo and Griffin passed, you did your best to put your mind at ease. This weekend would be over before you knew it, you just had to relax just as Kylo said.

 

Lunch time came around and, just like your entire time with Kylo, it was delivered to the room via a droid. Griffin stared up at the metal robot as it wheeled the table closer to the dining room, sure there were astromechs and BB units as well as protocol droids, but he had never seen anything like this one before. It was wheeling around on one singular wheel, it had a slim, simple body figure and a set of arms with one joint to create what looked like elbows. You recognized them and knew them well, they were what kept you alive during your entire year with Kylo.

It dropped the food off and left as it always did, Kylo rose from his chair and moved to set the food up on the dining room table. You trusted now that Griffin was calm enough that he could stand on his own so you set him on the floor, pointing in the direction of the dinner table. You had noticed there was now three chairs instead of two, a nice and thoughtful addition on Kylo's part.

The three of you ate your lunch in complete silence, both you and Griffin too nervous to speak to Kylo. You noticed Kylo was just staring at you and Griffin as he ate his turkey sandwich, the lack of any meaningful conversation between the three of you was worrisome, but what did he expect? He invited two people that were deathly afraid of him into his house, of course they weren't going to speak with him.

“How did you come up with the name 'Griffin?'” Kylo asked you, to which you shrugged. You knew he wasn't going to like the answer and you didn't want him getting upset in front of Griffin. “I just liked the name.” It wasn't technically a lie, you did, indeed, like the name Griffin. “Is he named after anyone?” You shook your head, taking a look at Griffin who was chowing down on his half of a sandwich. You had noticed once you sat down to eat lunch Griffin had suddenly remembered he was eating next to the man he had feared the most, his calm and generally happy demeanor had drastically changed. He was now afraid, refusing to look Kylo in the eye and sitting very still.“What are his middle and last names?”

That was probably the question you were dreading the most from Kylo. You gulped heavily, your small bite of sandwich all of the sudden becoming a lead weight in your throat. “I would really not like to talk about that right now, Kylo.” You looked down at your plate, your stomach flipping around inside of you as if everything you had ever eaten in your lifetime was going to come back up. “But why not? I just want to know my son's name.”

You nodded, still refusing to look up at him. “I understand Kylo, but I just don't want to-”

“Why not, y/n? Is there a problem?”

“No, there isn't a problem with my son's name!”

“Then why won't you tell me? Did you give him your last name?” You bit your tongue, fidgeting back and forth. You had done so well with not arguing for the past hour you had been here, you didn't want to start this in front of Griffin. “No, I didn't.” You said, dropping the remainder of your lunch on the plate. You didn't know why Kylo had decided to pick a fight with you now, but it was hurting your heart to be arguing in front of your son. “Do not tell me you gave him that fucking traitor's last name.” You could tell by the low growl Kylo was angry with you, unable to control himself as per usual.

You wanted to remove Griffin from this situation as fast as possible. Maybe if you just grabbed him and ran toward the door Kylo would calm down and see that what he was doing was scaring his wife and son. You promptly stood from the table and bent down to look at Griffin. His face was red, he looked so upset that he was about to cry. You placed one hand on the backrest of the chair and one at the seat near where his legs dangled in the air and was immediately met with a surprise.

The chair was soaking wet, you snatched your hand away as quick as you could, scooted Griffin's chair back and was mortified to see that he had wet his pants. Once Griffin knew that you had seen the mess he made he burst into tears, cheeks now turning even brighter than before. “What's wrong? What did you do to my son?” Kylo stood to see what was going on and looked down at the boy, he hadn't spent enough time with children to know that sometimes accidents like this happen and you must know how to deal with think accordingly. On top of all of this Kylo assumed _you_ had done something to upset Griffin, that couldn't have been further from the truth!

Griffin had become a potty trained champ by the time he was three, since then he had no accidents and he was proud to tell anyone that. You knew he was so embarrassed, and probably even afraid of what was going to happen to him. The poor kid was so terrified of Kylo Ren that he didn't want to ask where the toilet was, this was such a big mistake. You didn't even want to imagine the consequences Kylo would be thinking of due to Griffins accident, so before Kylo even had the opportunity to think about what he wanted to do to the boy you lifted him in the air and carried him toward the bathroom where you could clean him up and try to make him feel better, and mostly to get him away from Kylo who you had assumed was seething over the incident.

As you slammed the door behind you and dropped Griffin to the bathroom floor, his screams and cries echoing left and right off the walls and in your mind, you knew this was going to be a long three days.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. Kylo's introduction to fatherhood. How do you think he did?  
> PS. Yes Pocoyo exists in Star Wars because that's my son's favorite show lol.


	12. Suspicions

Griffin hadn't stopped apologizing to you during his entire bath. Your heart had broken so badly for him, none of this was his fault and you knew it had torn him qpart to know he had lost control over the one thing he had an iron clad control over in this entire situation. You assured him that it was fine, that you knew and Kylo Ren knew he hadn't done it on purpose, lying to him and telling him Kylo knew that accidents like these happen. He didn't pee in his pants with malicious intent, or at least you hoped he didn't. Suddenly the thought of Griffin wetting himself just to make Kylo angry wasn't that bad. You chuckled to yourself, what a subtle way to get pay back.

You had used a nearby towel to dry Griffin off, you hadn't noticed the smaller blue one tucked underneath of the one that you grabbed until it fell down onto the floor, Kylo really had thought of everything! As soon as he was dry, however, you remembered that you had forgotten to grab the suitcase during your flight into the small bathroom. In your head you whispered “fuck,” you really needed to start thinking before acting-you were afraid of becoming Kylo Ren with that kind of mentality.

As if Kylo was listening from outside, he opened the door without even knocking and strode proudly in with an entire outfit for his son: A bright yellow shirt, jean shorts, and underwear for him. He was composed, not a hint of anger on his face. Griffin looked up at him with his mouth agape, clutching his towel around him tightly. Everything that he had ever been taught about his father was being proven wrong today; Kylo Ren was not harming or killing or yelling at anyone, he had kept him fed and entertained and even clothed. Kylo had not yelled at him or spoken to him with mean words as people had often told Griffin he did, he spoke to him with dignity and respect, like the little human Griffin was. You had to say, even you were impressed by Kylo's actions. But then again, this was his miracle son, you were sure Kylo would never harm a hair on Griffin's head after seeing how he interacted with him so far.

Kylo squatted down and grabbed a hold of the towel that surrounded Griffin's body, before he pulled he looked over at you seemingly for permission. Through long, wet and clumped black eyelashes Griffin stared at Kylo, releasing his hold on the towel for him. That action in and of itself told you how much Griffin's perception of Kylo changed over the past few hours that you were here. You felt so defeated, so disappointed that your son had come to tolerate the man that had beaten you so many times. But for some reason, at the same time, you were content with the outcome. It always upset you when Finn would wind Griffin up and sent him on “I hate Kylo Ren” tangents around the house, often role playing with his toys him beating Kylo up or even killing him. At the end of the day, the fact still remained that Kylo was Griffin's father, and you just couldn't justify Griffin hating him. You decided to let Kylo have a little bit of fun with Griffin, nodding your head ever so slightly to his silent request to dress his own son.

Kylo looked down at Griffin, his nervousness clear as day by his slow, jittery fingers. Griffin looked down at himself as Kylo removed the towel, letting it drop to the ground behind him. Kylo gathered up the shirt and put it over Griffin's head, aiding him with getting his arms through the sleeves as well. “Hold onto me.” He said, looking Griffin in the eye. Griffin of course obeyed without question, steadying himself on Kylo's arms while Kylo helped him into his undies and his pants.

You sat in complete awe at the scene as it played out before you. Sure Kylo had been gentle with both you and Eli, but this was something completely new. He was so gentle, handling Griffin like he was a porcelain doll. Those same hands that were strong enough to kill millions of people and to beat you black and blue, possessed the same ability to slowly slip a small shirt on a small person. It was such an amazing, beautiful sight.

Once Kylo had finished dressing Griffin he stopped to take a moment to just look at him. You were sure Kylo was just as captivated as you were. This was the first real, hands on interaction he had with his son. He didn't get to feel him kick when he was in your belly, he didn't get to hold him after he was born. He didn't get to help him take his first steps, or feed him his first solid food, or even get him dressed for his first day of preschool. His first ever interaction with his son was dressing him after a bath, and you were sure Kylo loved every second of it.

Abruptly, Griffin turned and ran into your arms, putting his mouth up close to your ear and whispering something ever so sweet to you. You held him close, giggling just a bit at his thoughts and fears of saying them out loud in front of Kylo.

–

 

“What did he just say?” Kylo had to blink several times to keep the tears out of his eyes. His little son had finally grown to trust him enough to start taking care of it. To him it almost felt as if someone was tearing his heart right out of his chest, but in a good kind of way. This was his son, a little boy who was so afraid of him when they first met face to face that he hit him. Now he was content enough with Kylo that he was able to dress him for the day. Slowly but surely he could tell his son was warming up to him, and once he did warm up to Kylo he could finally tell him that he was actually his son, something he had waited so long to say.

With a smile on her face y/n rose to her feet, moving the boy so that he was standing next to her. She seemed to feel confident enough in him that she didn't need to hold his hand, another good sign, Kylo thought to himself. “He said 'thank you.'” Kylo's heart became swollen in his chest, a tear escaped past his eye lids as he looked down at his son who was looking back up at him from behind his mothers legs. The boy had come to trust Kylo enough that he was almost able to speak to him, or at least about him in a kind way to his mother. Kylo counted that as a huge success, and would even be happy ending their visit right then and there just to say he had a good time with his wife and son.

 

Kylo tried his best not to count his chickens before they hatched, for the rest of the day he quietly observed his wife and child as they stiffly and carefully went about the day watching cartoons and playing with the toys y/n had packed for Griffin. The boy looked almost exactly like his mother, minus the bigger ears and black hair. The only thing he thought was odd about his son was his general size. The boy was so small, and not small like y/n was when he first met her. He was short, his facial features were tiny, his head was small, and his feet were small. Remembering Eli, who was only a year older than Griffin was when he came to live with him, Kylo was stumped, was there something wrong with his son? Was his wife giving him something to stunt his growth? It all just didn't seem right, and Kylo could no longer keep the questions out of the back of his mind.

“Why is he so small?” Kylo asked. As Kylo was cleaning the chair from Griffin's accident in the kitchen his wife was sitting on the bed both watching over Griffin and drawing in her new sketch book. She lifted her eyes from the blue and purple book to him as he made his way over to the bed, Griffin was on the floor coloring in his coloring books and looking on at the TV from time to time. His wife had ignored him, burying herself down in the bed until he sat next to her and peered over her shoulder. He didn't have a chance to see what she was drawing, however, because she shut the book so quickly. She looked over at him, he could see the annoyance on her face and cared nothing of it. He wanted to know about his son.

“Did you hear me?”

“Yes, Kylo. I heard you.” She said, placing the sketch book under the covers next to her. He could tell how badly she wanted him to go, part of him felt bad for her but the other part reminded himself that, while he was excited to be spending time with his wife, this time was meant to be spent with Griffin. “He was born ten weeks premature.” Kylo took a sudden look back at Griffin, studying his smaller than average structure and realizing what his wife had said to him meant so much more than him being small. “Premature? You mean he wasn't due for another two months?”

“Unfortunately.” She said with a sigh. “Started contracting and they couldn't stop my labor. He was delivered by cesarean.” Like always, Kylo couldn't express his surprise with his words, only by a concerned and curious look toward her womb. Apparently she had noticed too, covering her midsection with the blanket. She looked so embarrassed to be speaking about her birth experience, but Kylo couldn't help but accidentally think out loud:

“Had you delivered within the Order you would have had a natural delivery, and he wouldn't have been born early.” The Resistance and their sub par medical equipment. He felt that they had put both his sons and wife's lives in danger, he couldn't understand why y/n thought otherwise. She rolled her eyes at him before turning away, Kylo kicked himself for upsetting her. This was supposed to be a good visit for them, not a stressful one.

“Sorry, y/n. I'm sorry.” He stuttered, feeling the urge to reach out and touch her but thought better of it, if she were already upset at him his contact would not make things better. “Could you tell me about his names now?” He asked, prepared for the response no matter how strange or upsetting it was.

 

–

Kylo was so stuck on Griffin's name. You didn't know whether to be annoyed with him or afraid, you knew he was going to blow up at you the minute the name “Han Solo” left your lips, you didn't even think it would be worth telling him at all. This weekend was going as smoothly as it could possibly go, you didn't want to ruin it by doing something to get yourself or Griffin beaten. “No, Kylo.” You simply said, getting up from the bed and walking to the kitchen for another sip of water. You were on edge, wanted to be away from Kylo more than nothing else. You almost ended the trip to the Finalizer right there, the idea of telling Kylo Griffin's name just made you too afraid and you knew Kylo wouldn't let up.

“How about, we do a trade. I'll show you something important to you and then you can reveal just one of Griffin's names to me. Will that work for you?” You looked back at Kylo, skeptical of his words. what could you possibly have that was important to you on the Finalizer? Your skepticism was displayed boldly on your face, you just didn't trust a word that came from Kylo's mouth.

“Come, let me show you.” Kylo said as he began walking toward the door. You watched him get up and walk away, too suspicious of his actions to follow him. “Come, my love.” He called out to you again, beckoning you with his hand. You looked over to Griffin, ready to tell him to come with the two of you to where ever Kylo was going to take you but Kylo spoke before you could. “No, we aren't going anywhere. Just come over here.” You took another look back at Griffin who was silently coloring, hoping that whatever Kylo was going to show you would make this weekend worth it.

“What is it?” You said as you stood in front of him, crossing your arms over your chest. You were trying hard not to be too impressed by whatever it was, you were constantly reminding yourself that there was nothing on this Star Destroyer for you. “Put your hand right here.” Kylo said, pointing to a flat plane next to the door. This was new, the last time you were here you could have sworn there was a button that he would press to release the airlock on the doors. “Why? What's it going to do?” You were worried, afraid it would sting you or release a needle to capture some of your blood for a reason you could not begin to wonder about.

“Just do it, y/n.” Kylo said with just a hint of annoyance in his voice. You bit your lip, taking one more worried look back at Griffin. If you didn't comply with anything Kylo told you then he was liable to bring harm to either you or your boy, putting your hand on this sensor for him was not worth that outcome. So you did, a thin green light moved under your palm and that was it. You looked down at it puzzled, was that really it? Did it capture your-

You jumped as the two blaster doors opened next to you, revealing the black hallways of the Finalizer as well as storm troopers and officers walking back and forth, paying you no mind. It was the traffic you remembered from your short three days on the Finalizer, everyone seemingly having a place to be so they had to hustle past everyone else. “Free roam.” Kylo said, you just barely heard him over the sounds of all the footsteps. “During your time with me you and Griffin can go anywhere you want to. You are no longer to be locked in my quarters.”

Was this actually happening? The doors closed on their own, you placed your hand back on the scanner and they immediately opened again. Never in your life did you think you'd have this kind of freedom while you were with Kylo. “You and my son are free to come and go as you please. You can go to the library, to the cafeteria, to come visit me, even just on a walk. I trust you as long as you can trust me.” You couldn't repress the smile, Ren was so thoughtful! You couldn't help but wonder, though, why he trusted you so much now that you had Griffin with you. Maybe he had cameras all over the place, or maybe he's hired a spy to keep eyes on you at all times, who knew. You were grateful for him, and you couldn't be happier with how this first day with him was turning out.

“Now, his name. What is his full name?”He cut his eyes at you and licked his lower lip, the poor man was desperate to know more about his son. Still too happy with your newfound freedom the only thing you could do for him was smile, as you walked away the surname “Solo” left your lips. You weren't able to see Kylo's reaction right away.

 

Kylo was quiet for the rest of the day, even up until Griffin's bedtime at 9 pm. While you and the boy entertained yourselves in front of the TV Kylo sat at the table looking over his tablet. No longer wanting to be involved in the boys activities you could tell Kylo was upset over your choice of surname. Even though you were feeling kind of bad for ruining Kylo's fun, you could hardly believe that his way of dealing with the bad news was to sit and sulk. You were prepared to run at any given moment, expecting it to hit Kylo at some point and for him to go off on a violent tantrum over the fact that you used his former last name. But no, that simply never happened. He didn't speak a word to you or Griffin the entire night, up until you had gotten Griffin changed into his pajamas.

You had already made up your mind that you wouldn't be sleeping in bed with Kylo, it was too risky. You were afraid you might wake up to him fondling you under the covers, or even worse wake up to him working his way inside of you, and you wouldn't be able to do anything about it because Griffin would be nearby. Had you been on Star Killer base it would have been easier for you to separate yourself from Kylo, but here on the Finalizer you were sharing just one singular room with Griffin and Kylo.

You placed Griffin onto the couch and threw his favorite red blanket over him, the poor kid was so nervous about going to sleep with Kylo in the same room and he nearly reacted the same way as Eli did during his first night. “Mama, please stay with me, don't leave me. I'm afraid! I don't wanna sleep here, I wanna go back home. I want my daddy!” He would whine, It was the most words he had spoken to you or anyone else all day. You weren't worried about his fears, though. You had brought some extra blankets for you to sleep on the floor next to him, you didn't want him far away from you as you slept either.

Kylo saw you making up the make shift bed on the floor as he exited the bathroom, his hair still damp from his shower. “Aren't you going to sleep in the bed with me?” Kylo boomed, causing both you and Griffin to jump. You hadn't heard his voice in so long that as soon as the words met your ears you instinctively grabbed Griffin's arm, worried that this was the time when Kylo was going to go off at you. Once he had finished his sentence and you had calmed your racing heart, you found the courage to reply to him. “No, I'm going to sleep out here with Griffin.” You said, looking back to your son who was looking at Kylo Ren in fear as you had come to predict he would. “Mama...” He whispered, reaching out to you like he wanted you to hold him.

“There's a perfectly good bed right here, y/n. I expected you to use it.”

“No, Kylo. It's okay, really. Griffin wants me to sleep out here with him.” You had been smiling, growing used to the luxury of being able to talk to Kylo any which way and not having to suffer the painful consequences anymore. This conversation was no different, you expected him to just leave you alone and be angry in bed by himself.

As if to prove your confidence and pride wrong he started walking toward her, his gait was stiff and full of purpose and his face displayed all of the anger that was fueling this interaction. “Mama!” Griffin shouted, lunging off of the couch and into your arms. You clutched him as Kylo stood in front of you, but could not protect him as he reached down and with one hand ripped the boy from your arms and threw him onto the couch. Griffin screamed as he landed, but before you could reach out for him again and console him Kylo seized you by your upper arm, dragging you to your feet and pulling you about a foot away from the couch.

His teeth were clenched and he had a wild look in his eye, a look that struck fear in your heart. You could already feel your face burning where you thought he was going to slap you, this was it. As soon as he let go you would grab your son and run.

“Tomorrow you and I need to have a conversation.” He spit out at you, taking a look over at Griffin. You were doing your best to not struggle against him, fearing it would upset Griffin further. “Alone.” Kylo finished his sentence bitterly, only then letting go of your arm with enough force to send you falling to the floor from where you came. Griffin took his opportunity and flew back into your arms, nestling his face in your chest and crying as quietly as he could. You watched Kylo disappear around the couch, heard him get into bed, then the lights when out, leaving you and Griffin cowering in fear seemingly alone.

“I'm scared.” Griffin whispered to you as he shook. “I wanna go back home.” Your aching arm was a reminder of what the two of you had back at home, and that was a man that loved you and would never lash out at you like this. “I know, buddy. Me too.”

You decided tomorrow you would have your conversation with Kylo and then go straight home. He got to spend time with Griffin today, and as far as you were concerned that was enough for both you and him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day one at Kylo's house, not so good.  
> Follow me on twitter. @NoirJenn  
> I tweet my life like an idiot.


	13. Bullied

It was around six am when Griffin came crashing down on you from the couch above you. You awoke to his fifty two pound body crushing your internal organs and then fixing himself so he was sitting on top of you. “Mama, I have to go potty.” He said in the dark, from the snoring sounds coming from behind the couch indicated Kylo was fast asleep and Griffin not so silently whispering his request to you didn't wake him. You breathed a sigh of relief, lifting him off of you and standing him on the floor. You had started to lead him to the bathroom when you came up with a far better idea.

You bent down close enough to Griffin so that he could hear you shush him and tell him to be as quiet as he could, then led him quietly over to the suitcase next to the door. You gathered up an outfit for you and an outfit for Griffin, the entire time going slowly and quietly enough as to not wake Kylo. He, of course, didn't know of your plan, if he woke he would simply just see you getting yourselves ready for the day. But no, that's not what you were planning at all. As soon as you had a new outfit for both you and Griffin you turned to the door, placing your hand on the sensor and watching the doors separate open. The minute they did you grabbed Griffin's hand and ran for it.

After finding a nearby public bathroom and getting yourselves changed you and Griffin went on a simple walk through the corridors. You knew from the jump you'd get lost, and that was the point. If you were lost Kylo wouldn't be able to find you right away, and then he wouldn't be able to have this “conversation” with you that he wanted to have so badly last night. By now Griffin had become less afraid of his surroundings, when the two of you saw your first fleet of Storm troopers Griffin stared at them and simply said “Storm troopers, mama watch out!” As he pulled on your hand to lead you out of their way, they didn't even look at you two, just continued to march to wherever they were going.

You two wandered past the cafeteria and stopped in for some breakfast, a banana for Griffin and a banana for you. You had chosen something that could be eaten on the move, you were too afraid of Kylo finding you if you stayed in one place for too long. You managed to keep Griffin's spirits high as you continued your journey through the Finalizer, whenever you came to a split path way you would always ask Griffin what way he wanted to go, hoping the choice would empower him and make him less afraid.

“Mama, are we lost right now?” He asked inquisitively. You simply looked down at him and smiled. “Not at all son. We're simply taking a tour.”

“Oh, okay! Like when we took a tour of the library at home before I went to preschool?” Your mood brightened as you recalled that day. Griffin had been the only baby born on the base in quite some time. As he grew you worried endlessly about him making friends his age since there were no other children. You had heard of a preschool opening on the base and was intrigued, because why would they need a preschool if Griffin was the only preschooler there? You had asked Finn about it and he had told you there was a rescue mission on another planet and there was an influx of families with children coming onto the base. “We need to invest in our new children.” Finn said to you. “So we converted some of the old storage rooms in the back of the library to one big classroom. I was hoping you'd enroll Griffin.”

You smiled to yourself, that had been such a good idea.

You rounded a few more corners and eventually found yourselves in a gym, lots of open space and lots of things that, in the eyes of Griffin, looked to be toys. You decided to stay here for a few minutes, let Griffin run off some steam for the morning and maybe he'll be ready for a nap early in the afternoon for Kylo's big chat. Afterword you two could go home and call it a day, tell Finn he was right and assure him this would never be happening again.

You and Griffin had a race around the empty gym, played with the gym bags and yoga balls like they were oversized toys. You had stacked the yoga mats for Griffin to climb on, made little obstacle courses for him and eventually the two of you were laughing and playing like you were back at home. You were happy Griffin was so easily entertained, it made your job here much easier than at home. By far Griffin's favorite thing was throwing the yoga balls back and forth, they were so big and bounced so high, it was unlike anything Griffin had ever seen in his young life.

The two of you were happily playing, bouncing and rolling the ball back and forth without a care in the world. That is until the doors to the gym flew open and in strode two storm troopers and Kylo. Griffin had just thrown the ball, it flew past you and rolled to the door, stopping right at Kylo's boots. For the first time at the sight of Kylo Griffin didn't run toward you. Instead he stood where he was, staring up at Kylo curiously. It was obvious that he was still afraid of him, but this time he stayed where he was. You had to move to him at Kylo and his goons moved toward you two, they looked as if they were out for blood.

Kylo pointed at Griffin, and then all at once the two storm troopers moved toward him. You saw them about to grab him by the arm, so you pulled him away and stepped back a few steps. “What do you want?” You said, panic rising in your voice. “It's time for our conversation.” Kylo said, emotionlessly. “Okay, then let's talk. You don't need to remove Griffin.” Once again, Kylo pointed at the boy, this time uttering the words 'take him.'

“No!” You said, lifting Griffin onto your hip and taking another step back. “Ma'm, let go of the child.” One of the storm troopers said to you as he took ahold of Griffin, the other taking a hold of you. You were shaking, clinging to Griffin for dear life as he began crying, begging you not to let him go. You felt terrible for him, just like your first few days on this ship he had spent most of his time crying his eyes out. This was not a fun trip, as Ren wanted it to be. “Y/n, they're only taking him back to my room. You need to relax.” Kylo said as he watched the scene unfold before his very eyes. You had hardly heard him, over your screams and Griffins.

You didn't fight hard enough. The storm troopers managed to pry Griffin from your arms. Ever so quickly they both turned on their feet, beginning to walk toward the door. Your vision was clouded by your tears, but it didn't stop you from diving to the floor, grasping the storm troopers leg that was holding Griffin in his arms. He stumbled, nearly dropping Griffin to the floor just as you wanted him to. Kylo was quickly at your ankles, dragging you away from the men who were carrying your son away from you. “Calm down!” He said as you cried on the floor, screaming Griffin's name and holding your arm out to him. Before the storm troopers left and the door closed hopelessly behind them you heard your sons cries for help: “Mama, help me please!”

 

“Y/n, stand up. We need to talk.” You had sat belly down on the hardwood floor, banging your fist against the ground in agony. It felt like someone had cut your heart out of your chest with razor sharp knives. You had no reason to believe Kylo when he said he was having him taken to his quarters, for all you knew your child was gone, might as well have died right in front of you. You felt like you would never see him again after today.

As soon as Kylo spoke those words you stopped your body from shaking, from moving, and nearly from crying. You picked your head up and looked over your shoulder at him, he had removed his helmet and was looking at you like you were a while throwing a tantrum. “Are you finished?” He asked, tapping his toe. You composed yourself as much as you could, enough for you to say one simple sentence to him. “You kidnapped my baby.” At once your hands began to shake, feeling empty without your child holding onto them.

“Nonsense, he is on his way back to my home. He'll be taken care of by a nanny droid.” Kylo sounded so calm, he looked so trustworthy but you knew not to fall for it. “I, I don't believe you.” You said, beginning to realize that Griffin would essentially be alone if he was , by some miracle, telling the truth. “What's not to believe, y/n? What do you think I would do to my own son?” Kylo said. You had started to stand up, ready to bolt out of the door and track your child down. You had made it out one or two steps before Kylo managed to grab you by the arm and yank you back. “I said calm down!” Kylo said, you could hear the annoyance coming back to his voice.

“Fuck you!” You shouted at him. “I knew I shouldn't have come here! I still hate you!” You were uncontrollable, collapsing to the ground to your knees in utter defeat. The Resistance was gone, Finn was gone, Griffin was gone, you had lost everything.

Kylo sank to the ground with you, sitting cross legged right in front of you. “Love, I assure you there is nothing to worry about. Once we have our conversation I will take you back to my room and show you Griffin is fine.” You shook your head, unable to believe a word coming from his mouth. “Take me to him now, and then we can talk.” You tried to reason with him, willing to do anything to make sure your son was safe. “I can't do that, I heard your thoughts last night. You want to leave, you want to leave right now.”

“I do want to leave no, Kylo. You just stole my baby!” Your sobs came once again, anytime the words left your mouth you felt more and more hopeless. It was your job as Griffin's mother to protect him, and you had failed him miserably. “Y/n, I did not steal Griffin, I cannot kidnap my own son. What I can do, however, is deliver you safely to him once we speak.” You used your arm to wipe your nose, finally coming to a point where you thought you couldn't cry anymore. “And, and if I don't want to speak?” Kylo was quiet for a moment or two, looking at you sadly, like he was regretting pulling the boy away from you.

“If you won't even talk to me then I guess I'll be forced to do something that I don't want to do.”

Your heart dropped deep into your chest, your jaw went completely slack at the threat. The regret and guilt on Kylo's face told you he was serious, whatever the action was that he didn't want to do was real, and deep down inside you knew he would do it if he had to. You only had one option here, and that was to listen to what Kylo had to say so both you and your son could come out of this situation alive.

“I realize that I upset you and might have even harmed you yesterday, I apologize, firstly. I should not have lashed out at you like that.” You nodded in response, too afraid to open your mouth and say something that would upset him, thus putting your child in extreme danger. “I wanted you to sleep in the bed with Griffin last night, I thought it would be more comfortable for both you and him. I did not want you to have sex with me, I heard your thoughts and was slightly offended that you would think I would force you to have sex with me when my child was in the room no more than ten feet away.”

“Okay.” You sighed, hoping that that was the end of the conversation. It was quick and easy, simple almost. Unlike what you were used to with Kylo.

“But that's not what I wanted to discuss with you.” Kylo said, you felt like you probably could have died on the inside. “I need to talk to you about the conversation I'm going to have with Griffin about me being his father.”

“Okay, Kylo. What do you want to know?” You took in a deep breath, dreading what was going to be said next. Your poor baby, he was going to have to endure being away from his mother now and then later on have to deal with Kylo telling him about his true lineage. It was all so scary, you wanted the best for your son but instead have to settle for this outcome. “I want to just get it over with, it's obvious the boy is so afraid of me and the First Order. It pains me to know that you, my own wife, would allow my child to be taught to hate me and to be afraid of me.

“I want to tell him today, and I want to tell him in a way that won't make him even more afraid. What information can you give me to help him understand that I love him and want him to see me as his father?” There was a moment of silence, did Kylo really think he could force Griffin to love him like he had forced you to?

Kylo was a twisted man. You knew he didn't know love before you had been brought to him and he likely still has a contorted sense of love. His ways of showing his “love” to you was through sex, even if it wasn't consensual. You recalled the first shower he made you take with him, how when you did not respond the way he wanted you to the sexual behavior he threw you out, once again becoming angry at you. It took him quite some time to realize that love did not equal sex, and sex did not equal love. Just because you let him rape you over and over did not mean you loved him. And he _definitely_ did not realize that just because you said “I love you” did not mean you loved him, he had conditioned you to love him, set you up just the way he wanted you to love him. Your love to him was a learned behavior, a coping mechanism to save yourself from even more abuse.

How was he planning on forcing his son to love him?

“You, you uh...” You stumbled over your words, worried about the outcome and what consequences it would have on Griffin. You first figured you would want Griffin to be relaxed, and if Kylo just sat down in front of him and told him Finn wasn't his real father he would be bouncing off of the walls upset, and then what?

“You would want to give him something to relax him, like a cookie or a stuffed animal or something like that. He likes dinosaurs, and-and he likes ships. Just, before you start talking to him give him a reason to want to listen to you.” Kylo nodded his head in response, whispering the word 'good' to you in response. You didn't know if it was a praise in general or a praise to you for being calm and speaking to him like he originally wanted you to. “And after I tell him that he's my son, how do you think he'll react?”

“It's not going to be good Kylo. Finn, he's the only father Griffin has ever known. Finn loves him so-”

“Y/n, I don't want to hear about how much an ex storm trooper loves my son.” Kylo cut in, his voice was razor sharp and set you even further on edge. “Okay, I'm sorry Kylo.” You took in a breath and repositioned yourself, trying to figure out a good way to move your narrative along. “You can just tell him that you're his daddy, and that you love him but understand that he loved his daddy on the Resistance base. Just tell him that you want to get to know him and would hope that he gives you a chance.”

It was the only explanation you could come up with. You wished so badly that Kylo didn't want to tell Griffin so badly, but who were you to deny Kylo the true right to his son?

More small details were exchanged between the two of you, what Kylo should do in case Griffin had started to cry during the conversation, what his other favorite things were so Kylo could have a variety of choices, etc. When Kylo had finally decided to end the conversation he took you by the hand, leading you away from the gym and back to your first home within the Order.

Stepping through the doors made you want to vomit again, but as soon as you saw your little boy playing with his action figures on the floor in front of you. He looked up as soon as the doors opened, his face lit up and he ran into your arms. “Mama! You're home!” You cringed when Griffin said home, this definitely was not his home and you don't know where he would get the idea that it was. He seemed happy though, which you thought was quite strange. Any time he had been away from you he was always left with his auntie Rey, not just a robot. During the duration of your chat with Kylo Griffin had no human contact, just a service droid to care for him.

“Mama, I made a new friend! His name is XR-7777, he looks kinda like us but he's really a robot.” From around the corner with one of Griffin's toy dinosaurs in his hand came a service droid, its casing was black and its eyes lit up with grey LEDs. “Very pleased to make your acquaintance, Mrs. Y/n Kylo Ren.” It said as it bowed. Once again, you cringed at your marital name. You briefly wondered what the divorce process was in the Order, or if there even was a process. Kylo was gripping your arm, moving you to the side as he dismissed the droid.

“At once, Lord Ren.” The droid said cheerfully. He looked down to Griffin who was just beaming up at him. “Bye bye XR-7777! I'll see you tomorrow!” Griffin said, under the impression that everyone said 'I'll see you tomorrow' when they're saying their goodbyes. “Good day, master Griffin Han Solo.”

_Shit._

As the words left the droids vocal speaker you felt your heart free fall down in your chest again. The hand that held onto your arm loosened as Kylo looked down at the happy child in shock. “Griffin, Han, Solo.” he whispered. This weekend was officially over.

“That's me!” Griffin said, looking up happily at Kylo. “My name is Griffin. Han. Solo.” He said as he ran up to you and gave you a hug. “Mommy, I had such a fun time with XR-7777. We painted pictures and he played with my toys with me and-”

You didn't even reply to him. Kylo's face was turning redder and redder with every passing minute. You hoisted him up onto your hip again and made a beeline for the door. This was bad, this was really, truly bad.

“No, y/n! We're not done here!” Kylo was screaming at the top of his lungs as he gripped the back of your shirt and pulled the two of you to the ground. The two of you were cowering in fear once again at Kylo's feet. Finn was right. Finn was more than right. This was a huge mistake. You thought for sure Kylo would either kill both of you or kill just you and raise Griffin for the rest of his life. That stupid droid, how did he even know what his full name was?

It didn't matter, because Kylo had already ignited his saber and was pointing it right at Griffin's face.

“You named him after the most pathetic, deplorable, dejected men in the whole galaxy?” You had moved Griffin to the floor behind you to protect him from the red hot sparks flying off of the blade. Kylo was going to have to kill you first before he even so much as touched Griffin. You didn't answer his question, just stared up at him as the saber now was dangerously close to your neck. “I can't believe you, y/n. You fucking bitch!” Kylo said as the blade went behind his back. He turned and slashed the table the three of you had eaten lunch and dinner at the night before. It fell apart into two pieces, the chairs were next and then the couch.

You couldn't hear Griffin behind you, but you felt him pressing up against your back. This kind of thing would normally terrify him to no end. You imagined this was the end, you couldn't think of anything that would make Kylo point his light saber in your face like he had. You deserved this, whatever pained punishment you were about to receive you deserved every second. This was probably the stupidest agreement you had ever come up with, you deserved to die for putting your son's life in danger.

Kylo stalked closer and closer to you, his saber still ignited and crackling toward you. “You traitorous little who-” Kylo raised his lightsaber, seemingly ready to cut your own head off or harm you in some other tragic way in front of your son. You shut your eyes, too cowardly to watch him end your life.

Before he had the chance, however, there was a crash, glass shattering from all around you. Pain in your knee indicated that the light saber had burned you, and your eyes flew open. You were astounded to see Kylo sitting unconscious under a giant mirror that hung on the wall near the bed, just about two feet from where this incident occurred. The glass had shattered, cutting Kylo's head in various places and causing blood to pool under his body. When he had let go of the light saber it had fallen into your knee, causing a serious laceration and a third degree burn. “Oh shit!” You shouted, flexing your leg to assess the damage.

Excruciating pain shot up and down your leg, you doubted you could even walk. “Griffin, Griffin we have to get out of here.” You groaned, worried about Kylo reanimating and finishing the job he had tasked himself with before getting knocked out by a mirror. You didn't know how the mirror managed to end up collapsing on Kylo, you didn't care to know either. You only wanted to leave, to get away from this toxic environment and never come back.

You spun around on your butt to reach for Griffin and found the answer you desperately didn't want to know. Griffin was standing behind you with his arm up toward where the mirror was mounted on the wall. He had a terrified look on his face, but such a brave posture. Then it clicked.

Kylo Ren was Griffin's father, Kylo Ren possessed the Force. Griffin was Kylo's son, therefore Griffin must possess the Force.

Your jaw dropped as you realized Griffin had seen the threat that Kylo was to you and him and wanted to protect you. His Force abilities were now in full bloom, Griffin saved your life by pulling and carrying that mirror off of the wall and disarming Kylo with it.

“I-I....” Griffin mumbled, dropping his arm to his side and looking at your injured knee.

“Mommy, I was a bully to Kylo Ren!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: In the first Kylo Ren fanfiction I wrote he had two girls: Reagan Riley Ren and Ruby Rose Ren.


	14. Bloom with Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big news! Teach Me is now om Wattpad!  
> [Take a look](https://my.w.tt/UiNb/MUClICLapI) and give it some love!

You managed to drag yourself to the door and stand up on our bad knee to place your hand on the sensor, the doors opened and you hobbled painfully out of the door. Blood had leaked all down the leg of your pants, each time you had to stop and take a small rest in the hallway the floor would be stained with your blood. Griffin stayed brave, helping you limp when the two of you would need to walk forward. He had stopped crying once you expressed to him how important it was to get away, you told him he needed to be brave for his mommy, that everything would be okay as long as you just removed yourselves from the situation.

The two of you made it 45 minutes outside of Kylo Ren's quarters. Ominously the hallways were quiet, completely empty as if the entire First Order had known you needed help and just wanted you to suffer quietly by yourselves. Your knee was aching, you were growing weaker and weaker and eventually could no longer move. You collapsed onto your butt, sliding down with a pained grown. Your knee felt like it had been smashed to pieces and you were sure you were never going to be able to walk on it again.

“We have to go mommy! Kylo Ren hurted your knee, you have a really big boo boo and you need a big bandaid for it!” Griffin said as he tugged on your arm. You shrugged him off, your pain levels had exceeded what they were when you first ran out of Kylo's quarters. “No, Griffin. No, mommy can't move anymore. Her boo boo hurts too much.” Griffin stared at you in bewilderment, you could see on his face that his number once concern was you and your injury. “Mommyyyyyy...” Griffin whined, you could hear it in his voice, his fear was beginning to turn into tears.

“Griffin, shh. Now is not the time for tears.” You said, hiding the irritation and strain from your voice. The combination of both would only fuel Griffin's fear even more. “Mommy needs you to be brave for her, and for daddy back at home and all of your friends. You have to get help, mommy needs help!” You grasped his shoulders and got as close to his face as you could. “Go run down the hallway and the first person you see, you tell them your mommy is hurt and she needs help. Do you understand?”

“But I'll get lost. Come with me!” Griffin retorted, the tears wetting his eyes once again. “Griffin, mommy can't walk, she needs you to be the big, strong, boy you are. There isn't anything to be afraid of, they'll know exactly where I am when you tell them about me. I promise you, son, what is it that I always tell you?” Griffin wiped his eyes and sniffled as he recalled the speech you had been giving him since the day he was born.

“You'll always be right here.” Griffin pointed at his chest. “Yes son, I'll be with you every step of the way. Now go, get your mommy help. Run down the hallway. The First person you see you tell them!” You gave Griffin a little shrug and then watched as he began running as fast as his feet could carry him down the hallway. Before he rounded the corner he took another look back at you, you waved your hand to tell him to go. If he didn't your life would be in grave danger. You just hoped he would come back with someone who could help you, you worried for your little boy. He was alone in enemy territory, who knew what could happen to him.

 

–

The boy ran all throughout the hallways looking for someone, anyone that could help his mother. He even went as far as to open the doors that he could get into to see if anyone was behind them, but there was no one. He was panicking, he saw the giant cut on his mother's knee and knew it was gravely serious. He was terrified of not finding anyone in time and his mother suffering, and from the amount of blood he had seen he was even worried about her dying!

When he panicked like this he held his hand over his heart, his mother told him she would always be in his heart. If he was ever feeling afraid or lonely all he had to do was place his hand on the left side of his chest and feel his heart beating. She was there, she would help guide him. He was a strong boy, a big boy, a brave boy, a smart boy. He could do this, his mother knew he could do this, he would do it for his mommy.

As he rounded a corner he came across a near empty hallway, but he spotted something that could help his mother! He took in a deep breath and ran all the way to it, not stopping even thought his lungs were on fire and his legs were sore. “Help my mommy! She's that way and she's got a really big boo boo! Help mommy please!” Griffin said as he banged on the droids casing. Griffin hadn't come to know droids too well while on the Resistance base. He had seen them roll by every once and a while with the grown ups while they worked, but his parents never let him talk to them or touch them.

“Please help my mommy! Help her!” Griffin begged the droid but it didn't move, light up, or even beep in response. Not that he would know what it said anyway, he hadn't come to know the droid language as everyone else had. Griffin was frustrated with the droid, his mother was in trouble and it was sitting here doing nothing. He had enough, using both of his arms he grabbed a hold of the body of the square droid and began to pull it toward the direction he came. As he did he fell backward, the droid was much lighter weight than he thought it was.

The droid tumbled down along with him, falling on top of him and scaring him nearly to death. Griffin let out a scream when he realized he was looking at the inside of the droid now, completely black and hollow. Around him sat the 'guts' of the droid, and when he looked behind him he saw its head. He had broken it!

He got up with tears in his eyes and started picking up the insides thinking he could put it back together and then it would help him, white pieces of paper, cups, and....a banana peel? As he held the remains of the fruit in his hand he realized that he had not been begging a droid to help his mother, he had been begging a trash can to help his mother.

Griffin threw the banana peel at the wall and gave into his tears. He felt hopeless, like his mother had already passed away due to his mistake. He rolled onto his belly and cried into the floor, banging his limbs on the ground in utter defeat. That was until he heard a voice in his head:

_Get up son._

Griffin picked his head up, confused. He looked around thinking it was someone around him, someone that could help him get his mother the help she needed.

_Griffin, get up and get moving. Your mother needs help._

“But I don't know where to go!” By now he was sure the voice was in his head, but he was under so much distress and confusion that he answered out loud.

_Yes you do, son. Use the Force. Just like the day you felt me coming up behind you, when you were going to preschool? Do you remember that?_

He thought it was his father, Finn, that was speaking to him. After all, he was as son to Finn, or so the poor, ignorant child thought. He wasn't thinking at the time that Kylo had called him 'son' every once and a while, In fact he wasn't thinking about Kylo at all.

“No.” He answered truthfully, his long term memories weren't working at this point in time.

_You know what I'm talking about, Griffin. Go on, feel the people nearby. You can do it, you are strong in the Force, just like me._

_“_ I don't know how!” Griffin argued, still looking around like the person who was speaking to him would randomly materialize in the hallway.

_Close your eyes, breathe in and breathe out. Listen for their words, their breathing, their footsteps. You're a small boy Griffin, but you're so powerful. I know you can do it._

Although Griffin was afraid to try, he followed the voices instructions. He closed his eyes and took in a deep breath, relying on his hearing to guide him. Of course he got no results, for the people he was trying to find were too far away. “I can't hear anything!”

_No, son. Not with your physical senses. Use the Force._

Griffin hadn't the slightest idea what the Force was or how to use it, but he knew it was his only hope of finding the next closest person to help his mother. So he tried again, this time trying his hardest to not hear with his ears, a skill he had never tried mastering before. He squeezed his eyes tight, so hard he bared his teeth unintentionally. This had to work, his mother needed this to work!

And then something happened.

His feet had tingled for just a few moments, just like his hands did before his invisible hands grabbed the mirror and pulled it off the wall. In his mind a trail of sorts appeared, one that he couldn't see with his eyes. He could feel it, it was swirling all around him, surrounding him and urging him to go forward. He didn't even take the time to think about the strange feeling, he just moved his feet as fast as he could to where the trail was taking him.

As he followed what he would later come to find out was a Force signature he noticed other changes too. His lungs tingled as he felt steady breaths, could hear snippets of conversations flowing through his mind, and as he got closer these sensations became stronger and stronger, until he managed to run right into a fully suited storm trooper. He couldn't believe it, he had listened so well to the voice in his head and it worked, he had led himself to someone who could help him!

“Help my mommy! She needs a bandaid for her boo boo!” He waved his hands in the air to signify an extreme sense of emergency. The storm trooper looked down at him for a few seconds, but then looked away and started walking to wherever he was going, shaking his head. “No! Where are you going? My mommy needs your help!” Griffin ran after him, running in front of him and pressing on his armor. Once again he cried, he had done such a good job finding someone to help him and now they were walking away? He was crushed by the storm troopers thoughtless actions.

_Griffin, keep yourself together. This man doesn't know you, you have to tell him who you are._

Griffin sniffled, leaning back off of the storm trooper and taking one step back.

_Tell him you're-_

Before the voice in his head could finish, Griffin proudly introduced himself to the stranger. “I'm Griffin Han Solo!”

Suddenly his cheeks were burning, he felt hot and angry for some reason, like he wanted to hit the man in front of him. He didn't know why, it was just as strange as being led here by the voice in his head.

 _No, tell him you are_ Kylo Ren's _son!_

The voice yelled in his head, causing him to cover his ears. He did it without question, nothing the voice had said to him was a lie and when he followed the instruction it gave he got what he wanted.

“I'm Kylo Ren's son!” He held his hands in the air like he wanted the storm trooper to pick him up and as he did the trooper's demeanor changed completely. “Right away, young Ren.” Griffin smiled as the storm trooper looked left and right, seemingly unsure of what to do next. He squatted down in front of Griffin just as his mother always did to speak to him. “Where, uh...could you tell me where your mother is?”

Just like that Griffin's smile faded. Sure he had used the Force signature to find this person, but he didn't know how to get back. “I...I don't know where she is.” Griffin started to whine again like he was going to cry, the storm trooper stood up and backed away, afraid of being accused of harming Kylo Ren's precious son.

_Son, use the Force. Just like you found this person use it to find your mother. Listen for her breathing, her voice, anything! Take him to your mother now._

Griffin obeyed, once again closing his eyes and feeling out for his mother. He waited for the tell tale tingle in his feet, the thing that tipped him off to the storm trooper first. But that sensation never came. He closed his eyes harder, willing the energy trail that he felt the first time to just appear in his mind, but it didn't. “It's not working!” Griffin said, once again becoming distressed at not being able to help his mother.

_Just try again, son. You've done it once so you can do it again. Feel your mother, feel her breathing or her words. I know you can do it Griffin._

He tried once more, listening out for anything that could lead him to his mother. “Mommy! Where are you?” Griffin asked out loud, desperate for anything that he could latch onto. He didn't want to fail her, he needed his mommy in his life. Suddenly, her voice rang out in his head, something she had told him over and over again:

“Whenever you're afraid or lonely when I'm away, place your hand over your heart and I'll be right there with you.”

Griffin did just that, put his hand over his rapidly beating heart and held it there. He felt his own heart beating, and once he felt comfortable he closed his eyes again, trying to find his mother. Under his small hand he felt his own heart beat, slowing down to its normal rhythm as he relaxed. He concentrated hard, hearing his mothers promise repeat in his head over and over. Pretty soon, he had found her.

 

No longer was his heart beat beating in the regular pattern, there was a new beat under his hand.

_Lub lub, dub dub. Lub lub, dub dub_

It wasn't his own heartbeat he was feeling, he was feeling his mothers beat in sync with his. He smiled as he felt the trail once again coming to life in his head, the trail that would lead him to his helpless mother. Confidently he opened his eyes, putting one foot in front of the other he led the storm trooper to his mother.

 

–

Kylo had awoken under the mirror without a clue as to what happened to him. One minute he was in a rage, swinging his lightsaber around in front of his poor, terrified family, and the next he's unconscious under a mirror. The First thing he noticed was his family was gone. He sighed heavily, realizing he had chased them away with his uncontrollable anger over the droids announcement of Griffin's full name. Kylo had at least expected his middle name to be Ben, the girl had spent enough time in the Resistance to have spent time with his mother. She must have known Kylo's real name.

But no, Kylo felt so betrayed. His son, the son he loved the second he learned about him through the Supreme Leader, was named after the man he hated the most in life: Griffin's grandfather and Kylo's father.

Kylo didn't think he had ever been that angry before in his life. Angry enough to point his saber in his families direction and threaten to kill them. It was absurd! He felt like he just could not win with his own son. First he is torn away from Kylo before he had even known about him, he's born and raised

in the Resistance, he's raised by an escaped Storm Trooper, he's raised to hate and fear Kylo so much that he felt the need to hit him when Kylo finally got to meet him, and the icing on the cake: He's named after Han Solo.

It was almost enough for him to give up on his entire family, to end the girl's life just as Snoke wanted and just release Griffin into the Resistance where he was raised. He felt like there was just no room in that family for him, and although it did tear his heart to pieces, he eventually accepted it. With the assumption that while Kylo was knocked out cold his family fled the Finalizer Kylo called his personal medic to his quarters to have his wounds examined.

As his medic performed a head to toe evaluation and his maids cleaned up the mess his son made with the mirror he thought long an hard about this revelation. He loved that his son was so powerful, even more powerful than he was at that age. He loved his mother so much that he was willing to protect her from Kylo, using a power that he himself wasn't even aware that he had. It was such a waste of a strong Force user. With Griffin in the Resistance's hands surely he would be trained to fight against Kylo, his own father. He would be raised to be a Jedi instead of exercising his full potential. Kylo thought it was so sad, but the boy didn't know any better.

The medic and maids left Kylo alone, oh how he hated being lonely after he had a small taste of what it was like to have a family. He sat on his couch and just stared at the blank TV, what now? He could find someone new and start a brand new family? No, that would take too much work. Maybe he could make y/n realize her worst nightmare and just take Griffin, give him a brand new name and raise him the correct way in the First Order.

But then again, Y/n was his wife. No matter how hard she has made this on him Kylo couldn't deny that he loved her. He could erase her memories of him and the child, maybe send her back to the Resistance instead of killing her, maybe keep her here and just try and convince her that this is where she's been all of her life.

Kylo sighed, dropped his head in his hands. Too many options, too little time to think.

In one last desperate attempt to say goodbye to his son Kylo reached out to him through their bond. He expected to feel him relaxed and happy on his way back to his false family, but instead he found something completely different.

He felt Griffin running throughout the halls, completely out of breath and in complete panic. His fatherly instincts kicked in almost immediately, he stood straight up in the middle of his living room and delved deeper into the boy's mind. He saw disturbing images of y/n sitting in the hallway with a giant gash in her knee, bleeding profusely out into her pant leg. Had he done that to her? His heart raced faster and faster as he realized he might have hit her with his saber during his rage. More guilt weighed on him, especially from the way Griffin was reacting. He loved his mother with all of his heart, and to have seen Kylo hurt her would only drive Griffin further away from him.

Knowing how powerful Griffin was in the Force he talked him through unleashing the Force and using it to his advantage, leading him directly to a nearby storm trooper and back to his mother. It was the first actual conversation he had with his own son, and although it did involve Griffin proudly announcing his full name and him being mostly afraid, Kylo enjoyed every second. It only proved to both him and Griffin that Kylo could not only be a father to Griffin, but a teacher as well. He was proud of both Griffin and Griffin's major accomplishment, just like a proud father should be.

Once Kylo had known for sure that the girl would be receiving medical attention and that Griffin was safe he formulated his plans. He wanted Griffin to be raised in the Order, he wanted to be the one to train him up in the Force. He had to gain his trust, he had to flip his views of the Resistance to where they should be, and it wouldn't be easy. He knew he could do it, he could mold that boy into exactly what he wanted him to be, he had already done it once with the girl.

Y/n, on the other hand, was a completely different situation. Kylo didn't know why Snoke wanted her dead. As badly as he wanted to appease his master he just couldn't justify killing her. Griffin was so attached to her and truthfully so was Kylo, he loved his wife and wanted her alive. It would be an even harder battle than getting Griffin to understand how bad the Resistance was but it was a challenge Kylo would be willing to accept. It would take a long time and a lot of trust. But Kylo was determined to bring them both back to the First Order again.

Kylo was confident in his abilities to bring his family together again, and when he was he rose from the couch, ready to go visit his family in the meday.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So guess what Readers? My USB drive that I kept my book on corrupted and I lost all 1k words I had written on it.  
> Please send some good vibes my way, I was so upset all day long.  
> I know 1k words isn't a lot but it took me like two weeks to write that much, I was writing two fics at the time :(


	15. We Hate Goodbyes

Kylo stared on at the scene on display for him in the girl's medical room. Her leg now in a cast she sat completely still, peaceful in sleep with their child snuggled up next to her on the small cot. He had flashbacks of the morning he had forgotten his datapad and had to return to his quarters only to find Eli and his wife snuggled up happily together. He had a vision that day of the child being his, black hair, bigger lips, and darker eyes. His dream had finally come true, he was now staring at his own family instead of his wife and a Resistance child. He wished that he had a camera, he wanted to remember this moment for the rest of his life even if the result of him losing his temper was now plastered to her leg.

He knew that as soon as the girl woke she would immediately want to be put on the next TIE Fighter going out of the Finalizer. He had messed up yet again, only this time he had put his son in danger as well. Kylo sighed as he tilted his head to the left just a tad. The two most important things in his life were sitting right in front of him and he had almost destroyed both of them.

Kylo felt like he was relapsing, going back to a dangerous drug that could easily take his family and his life from him. He had managed to learn how to control his anger back when Y/n was living with him, he wanted to get better, he wanted to wean himself from the drug that was his uncontrollable outbursts so badly. And he did, y/n had taught him well, to act instead of react to frustrating and upsetting situations and to talk himself out of hurting her.

When he found out that y/n had been stolen from him by the Resistance his first reaction wasn't anger like he had expected it to be, he had already had a plan all thought out of he got word of a Resistance attack who planned on kidnapping his wife. Unfortunately he had gotten caught up in the act of killing his father, an action that released so many different emotions in him. He hated to admit it, but the one that struck him the most was sadness.

He couldn't explain why, he had spent most of his life hating his father. He and the supreme leader had even spoken about how he'd eventually kill Han Solo, revenge for giving him such a tormented and downright shitty childhood.

But as the lightsaber plunged into his father's chest, as he raised his hand and rubbed Kylo's face just as he had when he was a boy to show how proud he was of his little son, Kylo felt so much remorse. As soon as his father's body had disappeared into the reactor below him he felt an undeniable need to sob. That was his daddy, the man that would carry him on his shoulders, would help him with his homework, build things with him, take him flying, all the things a good father would do-- before he left Kylo.

He held back his tears, he needed his y/n.

He reached out to her with the Force, telling her what happened as a way to prepare her for what he needed. Love, he needed to be loved. He needed a shoulder to cry on and he needed to be around someone who he could drop his big, mean, and scary facade around. He needed his wife, the woman who had taught him over the course of a year what love really was.

But his quarters were completely empty. The chain that was holding her was broken, coupled with a burn in his carpet and footboard. It was too late, the girl was gone, plucked right from his desperate fingers. Now Kylo was alone once again.

 

Just recalling the memories made him tear up in the medbay. That was a day that would forever be ingrained in his mind, the day that the Resistance ordered their own death.

Kylo redirected his anger and sadness elsewhere in that moment, now was not the time to become emotional over the loss of his wife when his wife was sitting right there. Instead, he focused his energy on his son, his son that he only had but one bonding moment with really. Because he knew y/n was going to want to leave he wanted to have one more, to tell him that he was his real father and that there was nothing wrong with that.

Kylo flexed one gloved finger, using the Force to gently rouse Griffin from his peaceful slumber up against his mother. It worked like a charm, Kylo watched his eyes gently flick open, blinking the pain of the harsh white medbay lights away. He stretched, and as he did Kylo spoke into his mind:

_This way, my son._

Griffin immediately perked up, looking directly at Kylo who was standing in the doorway. Kylo knew that the boy was going to panic upon seeing Kylo standing there completely clothed in his everyday robes and helmet, he chose those garments because he looked scary and intimidating, not so he could appeal happily to children. So before Griffin even had a chance to react negatively to him and wake his mother up Kylo sent some calm and relaxing Force energy to Griffin. The boy seemed to accept the energy, his eyes going from being wide and afraid to simply studying Kylo, more than likely reasoning with himself that Kylo wasn't a threat to him currently and he was currently safe.

Using his fingers once again Kylo beckoned the child over to him.

_Be careful to not wake your mother, she is healing. She needs the rest._

Griffin nodded his head, then, as carefully as a small four year old boy could, removed himself from his mother's side and dropped to the floor, picking himself up quickly and running to the door. Kylo removed his helmet as stared down at the boy, he should have used the calming Force effect a while ago, but he was unsure about just how powerful the boy was and didn't know how well he'd be able to handle Kylo messing with his brain.

“Griffin, who am I?” Kylo started with. He was sure Griffin didn't recognize his voice when he guided him to get help earlier that day. He had very little hope that Griffin would tell him that he was his father, but had more hope that he would simply say “Kylo Ren,” not tell him that he was a bad person, or a murderer, or anything like that.

“You're Kylo Ren.” Griffin said quietly, the calming energy helping him to think through his response. “Good, Griffin. But you know, I'm also someone else. Someone else very important to you.” Kylo hesitated as Griffin stared up at him, getting cold feet all of the sudden. Calming energy could only do so much for someone who was so powerful, it did nothing for Kylo after he had turned 12 and picked up his mother's entire dish cabinet with the Force and threw it off of the balcony in a rage. He took another look back at his wife, still fast asleep and without the slightest clue of what he was about to tell their son.

“Your mother doesn't want you to know this, but I think it's important for you to know.” Kylo squatted down in front of him, grasping the boy gently by his ribs and bringing him closer so he could understand how serious this subject was. “Griffin, I am Kylo Ren. I am your biological father.”

Kylo wasn't sure what he was expecting, but he didn't expect to get so emotional. Tears began pouring one by one down his cheeks as Griffin stared up at him confused. This sweet moment when he would finally be able to assume the role of father to Griffin.

Kylo watched through shis blurred, teary vision as Griffin squinted at him, his mouth falling open as he thought about what Kylo had told him. “Do you understand, son? I am your father.” Kylo shook him, nearly begging for some type of response. He wanted Griffin to understand, wanted so badly to be called “daddy” and for his son to just love him. It pained him over the past day and a half to know that Griffin was calling another man “Daddy,” even more so to learn that his wife had entered a relationship with that same man and was likely sexually active with him.

Nothing hurt more than not being able to be a father to his own child.

“You're....” Griffin started, Kylo got closer to him, ready to hear what his son had to say to him, to answer all of his questions and to finally move on with their lives, no father and son instead of enemies.

“You're not my daddy.” Griffin said. From the way he formed the sentence it sounded more like he was asking Kylo a question instead of making a statement. “No, Griffin. You don't understand. The man that you call 'daddy' isn't your actual dad, I am. I'm your real father.”

Griffin shook his head in complete disbelief. “No, my daddy is at home, and you're here.”

“You've been brought up to believe that we in the First Order are bad people, Griffin, and I understand that. But you are my son, just look at you. We have the same hair and the same ears. You're Force sensitive, just like me. You just aren't that mans son!”

Griffin shook his head back and forth again, not willing to listen a word of what Kylo Ren was saying to him. “Son, you have to believe me. You just-”

Kylo was immediately cut off to the sound of his wife gasping from the other room. Father an son looked to the room just as y/n had sat up and saw them in the door way. “Griffin!” She shouted, frantically. Kylo released his grip on the boy, and just as he did Griffin ran out of his arms and into the medbay room, leaving Kylo like he meant nothing to him. Kylo stood and shaking his head and walking away. As he did he released the calming energy he had on Griffin, almost immediately Griffin began bawling. He couldn't win, he likely never would win in the battle for his own son.

 

–

“I don't care what the Commander wants, I want off of this fucking star destroyer!” You protested loudly, Kylo had severely over stepped his boundaries and you now wanted out of this stupid little weekend visit he had proposed. He had taken your child from your arms while you were sleeping, had told him the truth about him being his father without your consent, and to top it all off before all of this even happened had injured you and threatened both your life and your son's life. Kylo Ren was a mad man, and you regretted this trip more than you regretted anything in your life.

“Ma'm, please calm down. You're still injured and getting upset will only-”

“Look, Doctor, I understand all of that. But you don't understand. My son and I are both in danger here, the Commander told me he would release me whenever I was ready to go and I want to go now before I or my son gets hurt again!”

“I can't allow you that avenue, Mrs. Ren. You must understand that I work for the Commander and should I do something that he doesn't like I am liable to be killed. What I can do, however, is page the Commander and get his permission to let you go.”

“Fine, do what you have to do. I don't care.” You were so upset with this man that you allowed him to contact Kylo, it was a way to move your departure forward and to get him away from you. He had been arguing with you about leaving for at least ten minutes now, you were starting to worry that Kylo had made plans to keep you.

Griffin had sat at the foot of the bed just messing with the sheets while you and the doctor butted heads, when the doctor had finally left the two of you alone Griffin sought out your attention. He crawled up over your good leg and sat in your lap, you responded by holding him so close to you. It had been a close call, to close for your liking. Kylo could have stolen your son and you wouldn't have even known until you woke up to find both of them gone.

“Mama, where is daddy?” Griffin asked. You sighed, he had told you about the conversation that Kylo had forced upon him, about how Kylo said Finn wasn't Griffin's real father and begged Griffin to believe him. A terrible thing to do without your guidance, your poor child was now so confused.

“Your daddy is home right now, Griffin.”

“Where is Kylo Ren?”

“I don't know where that man is, my love. He's not here with us and that's all that matters.” Griffin looked to the door as if he was worried about Kylo coming back for him. He was afraid and you knew he wanted to go home, a place where he can run around and play outside and relax. “Is Kylo Ren my daddy?”

This was the third time Griffin had asked you this question, and each time you beat around the bush, not sure what to tell him. He was just too young to understand that Kylo was the one who had fathered him, but Finn is the one that's taken care of him like a father should. “Kylo Ren is whoever you want him to be, Griffin. Daddy at home is whoever you want him to be as well.”

Griffin rubbed his hand in his eye, clearly tired and just as confused as you thought he was. “I don't want Kylo Ren to be my daddy. I want daddy to be my daddy.” You nodded your head as you pushed his head into your chest, cuddles with your boy made everything that much better. “Then that's how it's going to stay, Griffin. You don't have to worry about a thing.” You felt Griffin smile into your hospital gown. “Mommy?”

“Yes, Griffin?”

“Kylo Ren said he has the Force and I have the Force. What is the Force?” Gee, thanks Kylo. “It's something that exists all around us, everywhere we go there's the force. Some people, like you and Kylo Ren have the ability to use it in different ways. Like the way you moved the mirror off the wall and hit Kylo Ren, do you remember that?”

“Yeah. With my invisible hands.” Griffin brought both of his hands up in front of his face and held them there, after a second holding his hands out to you and smiling. “Exactly. It just so happens that you are Force Sensitive, just like Kylo Ren.”

“But Kylo Ren is not my daddy?” Back at square one. “Kylo Ren is whoever you want him to be, Griffin. I promise you that if you don't want him to be your daddy then he won't be your daddy.” He nodded his head, once again relaxing on your chest. “Okay mama. I'm sorry that I was a bully to Kylo Ren.” You rubbed the back of his hair. “It's not a problem, Griffin. Not a problem at all.”

 

Half an hour went past and there were three storm troopers who came through the door. Griffin picked his head up and watched them file in one by one, the last one carrying the luggage you had packed for the weekend. “We have orders for the Commander to escort you to the hangar and prepare you for your flight back home.”

You were immediately relieved upon hearing those words, Kylo was granting your wish to go back home. “Thank the maker!” You said as you set Griffin to your side. “He advised you to

change your clothes before you leave, we'll return in ten minutes.” You eagerly nodded your head and just as they filed in the three storm troopers marched out in sync.

You thanked yourself for packing a light dress, because of your cast you couldn't wear actual pants. Very carefully you changed, using the assistance of a nurse to stand and steady yourself on a pair of crutches so that you could pull the dress down. Once you were dressed you sat in a wheelchair to help Griffin change his clothes and put his back pack on. He was elated to finally be heading back to D'Qar, to go back to preschool and see all of his friends and family once again.

The four storm troopers came back after you had dressed and asked if you were ready to head out. You and Griffin both eagerly nodded your head, handing over your bags and lifting Griffin into your lap so that the both of you could be wheeled to the hangar. The ride over there was uneventful, but you couldn't help but to worry that Kylo would be coming around one of these corners, changing his mind as to if he wanted you to go back home or not. What could you do at that point? You were immobile due to your leg being in a full cast. You reasoned that maybe Griffin would be able to help you, but to what extent? It was cruel to want your young son to fight for you like that, so you just crossed your fingers and hoped for the best.

Your best had failed you when you were wheeled into the hangar and saw Kylo standing there helmetless. His hands were crossed behind his back and he had such a serious look on his face. His brows were knit downward and the corners of his mouth were turned down in a small but harsh frown. You ignored him as best as you could, refusing to look into his eyes and only staring directly ahead of you. Griffin didn't seem to care, he was daring enough to look directly into Kylo's eyes and stare. He was a brave boy, even braver than you were. Before you were wheeled up the ramp to a TIE Fighter your wheelchair was stopped, thick black robes went into your field of vision, you didn't have to look up to know who it was.

Kylo bent down at the waist and cupped Griffin's head in his hands, bringing him upward and planting a kiss on his forehead. Griffin blinked but didn't move a muscle, probably too afraid to do anything. Kylo placed his hands under Griffin's arm pits and began moving him out of your lap. “Kylo sto-” You began to object, hanging onto Griffin's legs and pulling him back down toward you. It was a move that could mean a lot of things, all of them ending in bad outcomes. You were so close to going home and you just didn't want to risk having one more bad experience to add to your list of things that happened over the last two days.

“Relax, y/n.” Kylo very rudely cut you off. “I'm just setting him down. The TIE fighter is much too small for a wheelchair to fit, you must use your crutches.” You hadn't even thought about that, not that you had ever taken a ride in a TIE Fighter to know, but seeing how small they were you understood. Ever so carefully you stood, balancing on your good leg before the storm troopers set you up on your crutches. Once you were steady enough and you felt confident that you could walk you called out to Griffin to follow you. As soon as you had lifted your crutches to take one step Kylo stopped you, placing his hand on your shoulder and holding you back.

“What?” You snarled, looking at him angrily. Your stomach was so upset, you were sweating, your casted leg was so uncomfortable, you just wanted to go home. You didn't have time to play these games with Kylo. He had the chance to spend time with his family and, as usual, fucked everything up and lost that privilege. Was he going to apologize, hit you, kill you? Who knew. You wanted him to get on with it and get on with it quickly so you and Griffin could go back to your normal lives.

Kylo stared at you for a few seconds, and as soon as you saw the first gleam in his eye you bowed your head, ready to beat him over the head with your crutch and leave. He tucked his finger under your chin and lifted your head back up to his once more, this would not end well for either of you.

His jaw quivered as he opened his mouth, but no words found their way out. Instead Kylo pulled you into a hug so quick and so forcefully you nearly dropped one of your crutches. In an instant your head was on his chest, his heart beating directly into your ear. A sweet and gentle reminder that Kylo was only human. “It's so hard to see you go again.” He sniffed, your own heart and begun to hurt for him as well. You had to remind yourself why your leg was in a cast in the first place to stop from breaking completely down and showing Kylo sympathy.

You pushed Kylo away with all of your might, he was kind enough to step away, letting you get a good look at his tear stained, red face. You told Griffin to come on again, ready to walk around the tall man blocking your path but he stopped you once again. “Are you sure you don't want to stay until your leg heals? Or maybe just until after dinner?”

“No, Kylo. Goodbye.” Kylo grasped your elbow, stopping you now for the third time. “What about just for a walk? Let's take a short walk around the Finalizer.”

“No! Kylo, please. We want to go _home._ ” You had resorted to begging, begging Kylo to make good on his promise to you and your son. “Home!” Griffin yelled right after you, drawing Kylo's attention away from you. He released your arm then squatted down in front of Griffin, staring at him just like he did to you. “Goodbye son. I love you. Be good for your mother, okay?” Griffin nodded his head as Kylo stood up, finally stepping out of your way to allow you to leave.

“Come along, Griffin. We're leaving.” You started up the ramp, not giving another look back at Kylo in fear of having your heart broken once again. You could hear Griffin's small footsteps clanking up the metal ramp behind you, you were satisfied.

“Bye Kylo Ren.” Griffin said quietly, you were happy that you were facing the other direction so that Kylo and the rest of his crew couldn't see your red face. The idea was to cut Kylo completely out of your lives, not give him the feeling that he would be missed. Poor Griffin didn't understand.

 

The two of you were seated and finally comfortable, strapped in and ready to fly out of this miserable place and back home in the arms of Finn. You worried about how Finn would treat you once you came back, would he even allow you back in the house? It was all so much to think about, and the more you thought about Finn the worse your thoughts got. You had to stop, instead focusing on the itch in your leg under your cast that you couldn't scratch. It was almost as bad as the itch in your brain, the one that was trying to convince you that this wouldn't be the last time you'd see Kylo.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [New blog post.](https://jay2noir.blogspot.com/2017/11/what-ive-learned-from-my-first.html) I've also got another chapter coming out today. Stay tuned dear readers ;]


	16. Precautionary Measures

The fighter ride from The Finalizer back to D'Qar only took about an hour. The entire flight Griffin was strapped into his chair babbling on and on about how excited he was do see his daddy and his friends and go back to preschool on Monday. You were happy he wasn't asking any questions about Kylo Ren and his time in the Order. For right now you just wanted to cleanse your mind of the last two days and think about how you'd beg Finn for his forgiveness.

The flight trooper landed the fighter in the same clearing as the first time they invaded D'Qar, but you wouldn't be relieved until you were safe in your house in Finn's arms. It was eerily quiet when you stepped out. The flight trooper handed you your bags and told you to have a nice day, then you watched as the TIE fighter roared to life and flew away, leaving you and Griffin all by yourselves.

Moving around with crutches was difficult. In one hand you held your luggage, the other a iron clad grip on the other crutch to prevent you from falling. It was tricky, but you managed as best as you could. There was no one, the two of you were all alone. It was so quiet that when Griffin was begging you to stop by the bakery for some sweets his voice was echoing off of the buildings. You were concerned but still decided to stop in for a doughnut or something. Maybe there would be someone there who knew what was going on and where everyone was.

The bakery door was unlocked, but just like the rest of the town was completely empty. “Hello?” You yelled out, hoping someone would hear you and come out, you hated feeling this lonely. There was no one, the two of you were here all alone. What was perhaps even more disturbing was you could smell freshly baked bread looming in the air around you. Someone had been here relatively recently, recent enough to make bread and leave it there. “Mama, I want that doughnut right there!” Griffin had his face pressed up against the glass viewing window of the sweets, eyeing a chocolate doughnut with strawberry frosting.

“I don't know, Griffin. The last time I got you one of those you didn't eat it.” You said, buying time to think about what to do. If you wanted to you could just take it for him, everyone who worked here knew you and frequently gave you free goods. It wasn't bad if there wasn't anyone around to see you take it, it wouldn't do anyone any type of harm.

“But that's the one I want! Please mommy?” Griffin looked up at you with puppy dog eyes, you quickly reconsidered. If it was free and it would distract him from the fact that everyone on the base was gone then it was good for you. So you hobbled around the counter as best as you could and reached for one of the plastic tissues. Ever so slowly you reached your hand behind the glass and grabbed the doughnut Griffin wanted, it was a balancing act that took as almost as much concentration as it did to reach the right doughnut. When you had finally grabbed it the icing had smudged just a bit but you knew Griffin wouldn't care. It was going to be eaten anyway so it didn't matter.

You went slow and silently, worried that someone would appear and start yelling at you. You were under the impression that everyone on the base was upset with you with your little weekend visit with Kylo, even though you had texted Finn that you'd be coming home early. Being caught stealing from the bakery would not help you rebuild your reputation with the Resistance. Slowly you pulled your arm out of the glass, taking one more look around before fully removing it and working your way back out from around the counter. Griffin clapped and did his happy dance when you handed him the doughnut, after word you grabbed him by the arm and high tailed it out of the suspiciously empty bakery.

 

You and Griffin went to the playground near your home and let him run off some pent up energy from your weekend visit. You kept on nervously checking your tablet over and over, hoping you'd get a reply from Finn. You had messaged him when you touched the ground and when you sat down at the playground, but he still hadn't messaged you back. You watched as Griffin played on the slides and swings and monkey bars. There was nothing, not even birds chirping or bugs buzzing around. You turned your tablet on once more to send Finn another message, something asking about dinner or wondering where he was to get his attention again when you heard a thump and the sound of the wood chips separating beneath Griffin's body. He let out a scream and when you looked up you saw him running toward you, crying loudly and dramatically as he usually did. You sighed, now the two of you would have to go home.

 

Your house was depressingly empty. It was cold and quiet as you carried your sniffling son through the halls to the bathroom to treat his scraped knee cap. Once he was quiet and pacified you turned on the TV for him, moving to the kitchen to try and call Finn's cell. There was a pot of coffee on the counter, freshly brewed and still fairly hot. Finn had just been here, why had he left so soon? Things were getting scary, the entire base was gone without a single trace. You had picked the phone up to dial Finn's number, hoping he'd pick up and explain things to you. However, just before the second ring Griffin called out to you.

“Mommy! Someones outside and they're coming to the house!” You threw the phone down onto the counter and ran out into the living room, hopeful to finally see someone on the base. You quickly moved Griffin away from the window and took his spot, peeking out and spying the person Griffin was talking about. They had pulled up in an all black car with tinted windows and was standing outside of the driver's side door. They were speaking on the phone and had a hoodie pulled up over their head. You were afraid, you had never seen anyone in the Resistance dress like this. Who was this person and what were they doing outside of your house?

“Griffin, go to mommy and daddies room and hide under the bed.”

“Why mama?”

“Do it, Griffin. Now!”

You were afraid that it was someone from the First Order coming back to kidnap you. You wouldn't put it past Kylo to send some goons after you right after you left. As soon as that thought entered your mind you worried once again why no one was around. Maybe the First Order came back and executed everyone while you were gone. The thought was just too much to bear, moving as fast as your crutches would allow you, you trailed Griffin to the bedroom. “What's going on mama?” Griffin said, stopping in the middle of the hallway and turning to you, looking for answers. “Just go Griffin, go now!”

The two of you didn't quite make it to the bedroom, however. You heard your front door opening and turned around in horror. The hidden person was now standing in your living room, coming toward you very carefully. You screamed at the top of your lungs, taking a step back and swinging your crutch at them. You became unbalanced and fell back on your butt, further injuring your unmovable casted leg and creating tons of pain. Griffin screamed as well, looking down at you and then back up at the intruder.

You saw Griffin raise his hand, utilizing the Force to make the person coming toward you stumble backward; Once again defending both of you, something you were too cowardly to do.

“Griffin, no, stop! It's me, it's daddy!”

Wait a minute, you knew that voice. Before you even had a chance to realize just who it was, Griffin was running toward them shouting the word “daddy” at the top of his lungs. Once the initial shock cleared the air and you were able to gaze upon the face of the man who actually loved you and you had missed so much, you held your hands out to him too. “Finn, it's you!” Tears began to form in your eyes as you watched him embrace Griffin, rubbing the boy's black hair and then looking back up at you. He had finally removed the hood and the glasses, revealing himself to you.

“Yeah, it's me. And now it's finally you two.” He said, releasing Griffin and walking over to you. You kept your hands up, he grasped both of them and pulled you to your feet as Griffin helped to replace the crutches under your arm. “Do I even want to know what happened to your leg?” He said once you were steady enough to stand with just your crutches. “I don't think so. But we both really missed you.” You said sincerely, becoming quite bashful. You realized that now would have to be the time to tell Finn that he was right, that going away to the First Order was such a terrible decision and you'd never ever do it again.

“Daddy, Kylo Ren taught me how to use the Force!” Griffin cut in before you could apologize. Finn took him by the hand and started to pull him toward the door. “That's great, son. But you can tell me on our way out okay?” Finn turned toward you and motioned his hand for you to follow him. “Wait, where are we going? We just got back home.” You asked, confused. “I'll tell you in the car, just come on y/n.”

“Where is everyone else?” You said as you had finally started to follow him. Although you didn't want to leave you feared it had something to do with the fact that the entire base was gone and you feared the answer. So you obeyed, following Finn out to the car. He opened the door for Griffin to jump into his car seat and he did so without question. “Buckle in Griffin.” Finn said as he held the door open for you. Once you were in and comfortable he closed the door behind you, got into the car and began to drive off toward the airstrip.

 

“So when you messaged me that you were on your way back I had to alert the General. They told me after you left that when you came back I had to let them know because they were worried about an attack on our base from the First Order.” Finn said, looking straight ahead. “Once I received your message and told them they began an evacuation operation of the entire base. Every man, woman, and child got onto as many star ships as we could possibly fit them into. They've been flown to another planet that I'm not allowed to name because you're in the car with me.”

Your face grew bright red. “What...what is that supposed to mean?”

“It _means..._ ” Finn said taking a huge gulp. He hesitated, you could almost already hear what he was about to tell you. “It means the General thinks you're a spy.”

“What?!” Had you been holding a drink it would have been all over the car by now. “Mommy, you're a spy?”

“Why would General Organa think something like that about me?” Your throat became tight, you felt like you were going to cry. How could your own people think you were a spy for the First Order? “Well, y/n you don't really hide it too well.”

“Hide?! Finn, I'm not a spy. You can't possibly think I'm a spy!”

“I mean, you still wear the ring, for the longest time you still said you loved him, you came to us with his child, and for Christ's sake y/n, you went to the First Order for two days! People think it's obvious.”

You had become jittery, your heart was pounding in your chest and you felt like your world was ending. “I'm not a spy. Finn, you have to believe me. You have to make the others believe me!” You were panicking, what if they evacuated to get away from you and Griffin? What if the Resistance wanted nothing else to do with you? Where would you go? Where would Griffin go? What now?

“Look, y/n. I'm almost 100 percent sure you aren't a spy, okay? But the others didn't want you coming to the evacuation site, so I helped get everyone there and then got us a hotel on Coruscant. It's booked all throughout the time period when everyone else is on the planet. You're probably going to be interrogated once we're back on D'Qar.”

At that point you started bawling. You had been interrogated once by the General of the First Order and it was just plain awful. You couldn't believe Finn was going to let this happen to you. “You, you can't be serious. I'm going to be interrogated?!”

“It's just a part of the process, y/n. You're going to have nothing to worry about. If it makes you feel any better all of the base thinks I'm a spy as well because I refused to stay with them when they refused you entry onto the planet.” You blinked, that didn't make you feel any better at all.

You pulled yourself together as Finn pulled into the air strip, his X wing airship was the only ship in the lot. “Are we taking a ride on your x wing daddy?” Griffin asked as if you hadn't been crying for the past five minutes. “We sure are, son.” Finn said proudly as he got out of the car. As you were maneuvering your way out of the passenger side Finn had opened the door for you, reaching his hand inside and pulling you to your feet once again. Griffin sat happily staring at Finn's X wing as you worked hard to steady yourself, this was probably the worst possible time to have crutches ever.

Hurridly Finn packed the both of you guys into his X wing and before you knew it you were airborne once again, this time flying out of your sanctuary.

 

The ride to Coruscant was quick but the taxi ride to your hotel was even longer. Coruscant was always such a beautiful city to you, you had always wanted to visit. Just not when stakes were as high as they currently were. You knew you wouldn't be able to fully enjoy the sights and sounds of the city when you were so worried about what the others at home thought of you.

You, Griffin, and Finn were packed tightly in the back of a taxi, Griffin in the middle of you two. You looked on and the crowds and the tall buildings, they were beautiful and intimidating at the same time. “Where are we?” Griffin asked. “The city.” Finn answered. “We're taking a little family vacation.” Finn smiled down at him. Griffin nodded happily then continued his sight seeing. You were so happy that Finn was keeping it together and placing rose colored glasses on Griffin's face, you were too stressed out to make everything seem like it was okay.

The cab pulled up in front of an average looking hotel about two hours after you had gotten in the cab. You didn't know what you were expecting, but it wasn't this. The city was so rich, filled with so many wonderful luxuries. What was such a moderate and ordinary one story hotel doing in the middle of Coruscant?

“I've already gathered as many of our things as I could in the small time frame I had, they're in our room. We should have enough to get us through the next three weeks.”

“Three weeks? We have to stay here for three weeks?” The conversation continued as the three of you made it into the hotel. “Unfortunately. If we need more clothes or anything like that then I get paid at the end of this week, I can take care of it.”

The lobby of the hotel was painfully humdrum. Just a check in desk and then a living room style section next to it with three red couches and a coffee table covered in magazines and newspapers. The lighting was bad, the entire room looked yellow. The person behind the counter looked like they were half asleep even though it was ten in the morning. “How did you find this place?” You asked Finn, sort of disgusted. Being in the First Order and then the Resistance had you and your family spoiled rotten, but you figured in crisis times like this you didn't have time to be picky.

“I had the money to stay at a nicer hotel, but I figured if the First Order or the Resistance wants to come looking for us they won't come here first.” The three of you turned a corner and came down an even more dimly lit hallway, you could see someone getting murdered in this exact hallway. “Daddy, what are we doing here?” Griffin said as soon as Finn turned to one of the doors. “This is where we're taking our vacation, Griff-Man.” He inserted the key card and the apparatus turned green. “This is where we're going to stay.

Finn opened the door and you were met with a small room. There was a king sized bed sticking out in the middle of the room with all white sheets and two pillows, in the corner was a small black chair and on the wall opposite of the bed was a desk and a wooden chair. As soon as you walked into the door to the left was a small kitchenette and to the right was a bathroom. It was so small, even smaller than Kylo's quarters on the Finalizer.

“My dinosaurs!” Of course the first thing Griffin noticed was his toy dinosaurs on the floor. “Yep, I knew that's what you'd want little guy.” Griffin ran into the room and dove to the floor, taking all of this plastic dinosaurs into this arms and hugging them. He didn't have them the entire time the two of you with Kylo and you knew he had missed them. You hobbled into the room and sat on the bed, looking proudly down at Griffin. At least he would have a fun time playing during this “vacation.” You sighed, taking everything that had happened in the last few hours in. You looked around the room, this would be your life for the next three weeks. All because you felt like Griffin needed time with his real father.

You were generally sad, distressed, nervous, and your leg was itching under your cast. The entire situation was just so upsetting. You realized that you had left your sketch book sitting on the table next to the door, where Finn had put his keys every day when he got home. Now you'd be stuck here without anything productive to do.

“Hey, y/n. Everything is going to be alright. I promise we're going to make it back onto the base no matter what.” Finn sat down next to you on the bed just as you were laying down. He pushed your hair out of your face and kissed you on the mouth. “I missed you.” You smiled up at him, raising your hand and gently caressing his face. “You aren't mad at me for going away?”

“I was at the time, but you know, one thing about being in a relationship is you have to get over those kinds of things. Arguments happen and life goes on y/n. I knew you truly didn't have any malicious intent and I know you no longer have feelings for that man. I was just worried you know? But I trusted you, that's what was important.”

Once again you smiled at him. “It was so terrible, if you couldn't tell by the cast on my leg. Arguments and guilt and hospital visits. I don't think I'll ever go back.” Finn was playing with your hair in between his fingers, pulling on it and rubbing it as he looked on at Griffin. “Did Griff find out?” You ran your tongue over your teeth nervously. “Yeah, Kylo told him after I was hospitalized. I really don't think Griffin understood though. We may have to do some more explaining later on.”

“What an asshole move.” You both giggled. “Well, y/n. When that time comes we'll deal with it. For now, I think I'll order us some pizza and we can watch a movie? Sound good?”

“Pizza!” At the mere mention of Griffin's favorite fast food Griffin shot up and wiggled his way onto the bed in the middle of you and Finn. “Can I have pepperonis?” He asked excitedly. You rubbed your hand in his hair, pushing it back out of his face. “Sure little guy, pepperoni it is.” Finn said as he took out his phone to dial the number. You looked on, hoping your exile would not be as bad as it seemed it would be.

 

–

 

“You mean to tell me you had the child here with you, saw it demonstrate several powerful Force actions, and you let it go?” The Supreme Leader was livid with Kylo who he had called into a meeting an hour after his family had left. Kylo could say nothing in reply. He wanted so badly for y/n and Griffin to stay here, even if Griffin was named after Kylo's father. But they didn't want to, Kylo had harmed the girl and scared them both away.

“Tell me Kylo, give me one good reason why I should not execute you now and crown Hux leader of the Order? Because I know for a fact that he would think nothing of storming the Resistance base right now, snatching the child up and killing that godforsaken whore that you call your wife.”

“That man tried to force himself on her Supreme Leader!” Kylo retorted, it was the only thing he could think to say that wouldn't cause him to go into a frenzy of tears. “You speak as if you hadn't done the same thing to her on this very star destroyer.” At the comment tears ran down Kylo's face, it was the truth. Hux had done the same thing Kylo did to the woman, the only difference was Kylo had admired the woman far more then than he did when he first met her. “The girl has softened you. She is no good for you and your child. She is pulling you toward the light, back to where you came from. Back to your mother and your father, to the Resistance. All of the hard work you've put in would be for nothing if she is allowed to live. She will get in your way. I want her dead, six feet under, cold. Do you understand me?” Kylo was silent, reconnecting with his wife had only fueled his love for his family even more. If he didn't have the heart to kill her the first time Snoke asked then he definitely couldn't now.

“You have a month. A month to snuff that woman's life out and to rescue your son. If you can't do it then I will do it for you.” Snoke's words rang cold in Kylo's ears, Snoke really did want her dead and he made it clear that he would stop at nothing to achieve that goal. Was Kylo really getting too soft? Was y/n truly pulling him toward the light? Probably the more important question was how was Kylo going to get around Snoke's death wish for his wife? Kylo was certain he did not want Y/n to die, but he was also certain that there was no convincing Snoke that she deserved to live.

Kylo left that meeting with tears in his eyes, stressed out beyond belief. He knew that he wanted his family back for another visit, but he wasn't sure about how he was going to make that happen, or how many visits it would take for the two of them to trust him—or if they would come to trust him at all. There was one thing that Kylo was sure about:

He missed his family and he didn't want to be alone.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told you guys I'd have two updates for you. Granted this one came in 20 minutes before midnight....but it's still two updates in one day lol.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I'm ready to start working on requests again. Will officially start accepting them after the first of the year!

The first seven days of your “vacation” as Finn called it consisted of the three of you just lounging around the hotel room. Finn had gone out and bought a few more little nick knacks for Griffin to play with, after the 4th day he had gotten tired of playing with his dinosaurs. Finn required the windows and curtains to be closed at all times and to keep the door locked. You were beginning to get flashbacks of your time in Kylo's care, no light and doors always locked so you couldn't go anywhere. Finn said it was essential, you were in very hot water with the Resistance and he didn't want them finding you and speaking to you and Griffin without him around. The explanation made sense, but it didn't stop you from feeling bad.

Finn made frequent grocery store runs so that you would have food to cook on the shitty little stove every night, the shower was really only warm for the first fifteen minutes of every shower, and Griffin had to sleep in between you and Finn every night, leaving very little space for you. By the first week you were miserable.

“Why can't you just talk to them, Finn? Why can't I just speak to them and let them interrogate me? I have nothing to hide! I mean, Griffin is missing out on school because of this, we're all so miserable here!” It made so much sense to you, you would answer all of their questions to the best of your ability and then they'd let you go. There was no way the Resistance would be as cruel as the First Order was when it came to interrogations, you were no longer afraid. You just wanted to get it over with so you could go back home and move on with your life.

“Baby, I don't make up the rules. They gave me the choice of either staying with them or finding somewhere for you to go and staying with you. Obviously I chose to stay with you, you're my girlfriend and Griffin is my son, what other choice did I have? They'll contact me when they're ready for us to come back.” You had opened your mouth to say something back, but Griffin had cut in before you could say anything.

“Oh! Daddy, you know what Kylo Ren told me? He said you're not my daddy and that he's my daddy. Is that true?” Finn shot a suspicious look at you, this was the first time Griffin had mentioned anything about that conversation with Finn since you had come back. “I don't know, mommy. Is it true?” It was obvious that Finn was stepping on eggshells, you hadn't talked about that conversation at all and he was being considerate for once of you and your parenting choices.

“Griffin gets to make the choice. Kylo Ren is whoever he wants to be to him, but it seems like Kylo Ren is just Kylo Ren, right Griffin?” Griffin looked up at the two of you and smiled. “Yeah. I think Daddy is daddy.” The proud smile on Finn's face struck you, as badly as you knew Kylo wanted Griffin to call him daddy, you were happy you had given the choice to your son. Griffin had chosen Finn as his father figure, and no amount of begging from Kylo was going to change that.

“Daddy, Kylo Ren hurted mommy's leg, did you see? I watched him do it, but then I used my invisible hands to stop him!” Griffin held out his hands to Finn, evidently showcasing the fact that he could use the Force because when he did your hair flew back as well as Finn's jacket, almost as if a strong gust of wind had blown. “Woah there, Griffin. Be careful where you point those things.” Finn said as he grasped both of Griffin's wrists and pulled him on top of him. Griffin giggled and placed his hands on the sides of Finn's face. “Sorry daddy. Kylo Ren is scary. He talked in my head when I went to go get help for mommy. And he called mommy a fuck-”

“Oooooohkay family! Who wants some ice cream?” Finn pushed Griffin off of his lap, setting him down gently next you as he stood and walked toward the fridge. It was obviously frowned upon for such small children to curse as Kylo did, even more a testament to Kylo's character and morals to use such foul language in front of Griffin, and you were certain that Finn just didn't want to hear about Kylo mistreating you.

“Me!” Griffin said as he launched himself off of the couch after Finn. You sat yourself up, your full leg being in a cast made the action difficult. It had been how long? A week? When were you even allowed to get it removed? Maybe you could convince Finn to take you to a doctor here on Coruscant, if that doctor allowed your cast to be removed it would make the next two weeks that much more bearable.

“Oh, bummer.” Finn said. “What daddy? What's wrong?” Griffin piped up shortly after Finn. “We're out of ice cream.”

“Oh noooo.” Griffin said, trailing off into a whisper. You rolled your eyes, Finn had given Griffin plenty of ice cream yesterday, he didn't need to use it as a distraction today. You kept your mouth closed, however. Finn had already planted the seed and Griffin wanted the ice cream. “Hey, don't worry little guy. I'll go out and get us some. What kind do you want?”

“Chocolate.” Griffin said, smiling proudly. “Chocolate it is. Need anything mommy?” Finn called out for you, to which you simply shook your head. “Can I come daddy?” Griffin said, holding his arms out to Finn, you knew your poor boy was coming down with cabin fever. “No, Griffin. Not today. Maybe next time.”

“Awwww.” Griffin said, beginning to stomp over to you with his arms crossed over his chest. “Griffin, don't be like that buddy. We'll be able to leave soon, you just can't go out with daddy right now.” Griffin didn't say anything, in fact he spun around on his butt to face you and not Finn. You saw Finn cut a small smile, he was used to these temper tantrums Griffin often threw. He would be angry at either you or Finn for a few minutes, maybe one or two hours at the most, then go back to being his loving and caring, self. “I'll be back in like 20 minutes, y/n.” You nodded, with that Finn was out of the door.

The TV played idly in the background as Griffin sulked in front of you. You were miserable and he was miserable, the two of you sat silently in your own misery together. “I wanna go to the playground mommy.” Griffin grumbled without even looking up at you. You pitied your poor son, pitied him enough to nearly go against Finn's word and take him on a walk outside. How would Finn even know if you left? It's not like he would have had the time to completely bug this place, he wouldn't have the slightest clue if you just opened the door and let Griffin blow off some steam down the hallways.

So that's exactly what you did. You opened the door and watched as Griffin ran wild down the hallways of the moderate hotel. You told him to be quiet, that there were other people on “vacation” behind these doors and they didn't want to hear him screaming like he was being killed or something. So as quietly as he could and as fast as his little legs could carry him he ran down the hall, passing you and the other doors until he'd get a few feet from the front desk area, and then run right back to the end of the hall. You were so happy to see him having some real fun for the first time in a week, you really didn't want to bring him back inside when you figured Finn would be on his way back.

“Mommy! Look at that!” Just as you were about to call out for him He had stopped at the end of the hallway and pointed down another corridor. It was too far for you to move on your crutches, instead you just told him to come back over, that running time was over and it was time to get ready for ice cream. Instead Griffin booked it down the seperate hall, not saying a word to you as to what had drawn his attention. “No, Griffin! Come back!” You huffed, whatever he had seen was obviously more important than you. Worried that someone had set something out to kidnap him with you moved as fast as you could down the hall, when you turned the corner you saw Griffin sitting on the floor playing with something, he was right in front of a door. Immediately your mommy senses went off. You could see that door flying open and a pair of hands grabbing your child, pulling him into the seedy motel room never to be seen again.

“Griffin! Get over here now!” Griffin turned around, in his hands sat a stuffed T-Rex and on the floor was a stuffed brontosaurus. “Put those down and get your butt over here! You know better than-”

Suddenly the door was opening, Griffin turned from you to the person opening the door. You screamed, nearly dropping the crutches and running on both of your legs to save your child. “Griffin, get away from there now!”

The person who opened the door turned out to be an older woman who seemed like she could barely walk. She looked down at Griffin scowling, but when she saw you coming down the hall her look softened up. “My my, what have we here?”

“I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!” You said, arriving at the scene. “He just, he saw the toys and, and I don't know really. He knows better than that, right Griffin?” You said, taking his hand and pulling him up toward you. “No, it's not a problem, really. My grandson must have left these out here. It's his fault.” You looked up just in time to see a child about Griffin's age peeking from behind the woman's legs. “Hi.” Griffin said, waving at him, but the child quickly ran away. “Hey, come back and get your toys!” The woman shouted at him, but she rolled her eyes and sucked her teeth when he didn't comply. “I'm going to give them away to this gentleman if you don't come get them!”

You smiled awkwardly as the child didn't come back, hoping to leave without being noticed you grasped Griffin by his shoulders and gently shoved him toward your room. Not only were you embarrassed that your son would see another child's toys and play with them, but you felt like it spoke volumes about how you raised him. You just wanted to get away and get away fast—Finn would be coming back soon. “Oh wait, don't go guys! Here, take these toys since my grandson won't come get them.”

“Yay! Thank you.” As Griffin ran toward the old lady holding the dinosaurs you managed to grasp him by the collar and pull him back, this situation had bad news all over it. “No, that's not necessary. Thank you anyway.” You steered Griffin toward your room once again, this time he began throwing a fit. “No, mommy! I want a dinosaur!” He lunged himself in the opposite direction, toward the woman holding out the stuffed animals.

“Oh come on, sweetie. It's not going to hurt him.” You shook your head, once again yanking Griffin by his collar, had you not been on crutches you would have just carried him but this was your only option. By no Griffin was crying, about to throw a temper tantrum over the fact that you wouldn't let him have these toys. For all you knew those stuffed animals could be filled with drugs, or covered in an infectious disease, or something else even scarier. It wasn't worth it, you'd tell Finn when he got back to go buy him one if he wanted a new stuffed animal that bad.

“Would it help if I threw them to you instead?” You turned around just in time to see the woman tossing the two stuffed animals at you, you couldn't stop Griffin from wiggling out of your grasp and grabbing them. The woman smiled down at him. “Come on, mom. Just let him take them. They're a gift from Grandma Kim.” She smiled, looking sincere enough to be telling the truth. You thought it was strange that the woman was being so generous, what kind of stranger tells someone else's child to refer to them as “Grandma?”

Regardless, Griffin already had the T Rex in his hands, hugging it close and you knew he wouldn't be letting it go this time. “Take one, that's it.” You said sternly. Griffin nodded his head, deciding on the stuffed animal in his arms to take. He got to his feet quickly and ran over to you, shouting a quick 'thank you' over your shoulder to the strange lady you made your way back to your hotel room.

 

Three days later you found yourself in a completely bare hotel room, two formal Resistance members were setting up lots of equipment: Cameras, microphones, tables, chairs, anything that you would need for a proper interrogation. Griffin and Finn were sitting in two chairs in the corner out of the view of the camera, Griffin brought his new stuffed dinosaur with him, both you and Finn couldn't get him to put it down in those three days. They allowed Finn and Griffin to be there for your benefit, they told you beforehand that they just wanted to ask you some questions, not make you feel uncomfortable. It still didn't stop you from fidgeting, from sweating, and from pulling your hair out from how nervous you were.

The interrogation started with you stating the basics, name, age, birthdate, etc. Then you had to do a detailed recap of your time before and during your stay in the First Order. Even though the Resistance members told you they didn't want you to be uncomfortable they asked you to go into detail about what Kylo did to you all year long. You had to tell them about the first time he beat you and put you in the hospital, had to guess how many times you were intimate—forced or not-- with him in that year and what it all meant to you. They asked you about your marriage, about your honey moon, about your escape and about your child. The questions grew deeper and deeper, they probed for information about your feelings toward the Order and to Kylo. By the end you were emotionally exhausted, but you weren't done.

Finn and Griffin were ushered out and the men told you to strip. Your heart beat picked up again, why would you need to strip during an interrogation? You told them that you weren't comfortable doing that, that you really had nothing to hide and would rather not be strip searched. They replied by telling you if you didn't then you'd be forever exiled from the Resistance and be considered a non hostile enemy. You had to comply, however, when they added the fact that they'd be keeping Griffin, stripping you of your parental rights and raising him to think you were a traitor.

With tears in your eyes you obeyed, not willing to sacrifice your son just because you don't want to be seen nude.

You lay on the cold table, goosebumps breaking out over your skin as the men passed ultraviolet lights over your body. You didn't know what they were looking for or what they would find, but you prayed it would be over soon. Then came the pat down, basically running their hands over your body looking for maker knows what. You kept your eyes shut the entire time imagining that those hands belonged to Finn, that there was two Finn's both kneading your flesh at the same time looking for something other than answers.

Once they had finally stepped away from you, figuring they had found nothing and you were finally free to go you started to sit up. However, just like last time they pushed you back down—you weren't done yet. “The cast. It has to come off.”

They allowed you to put a top on while you sat still on the table. They used a special type of saw to remove the cast from your leg. You worried about your skin, you didn't know if these men were doctors, if they weren't all it took was one wrong move and your leg would be done for. You sat as still as you could, your fists curled up into your chest as the saw buzzes filled your ears. It was almost as nerve racking as the day you were plucked from the like, your leg nearly removed as most of the skin had died from the freezing cold water. Eventually, it fell apart. You leg in all of its pale, sweaty, glory was now revealed.

The men passed that same light and carefully examined your leg once more. Once they were finished one of them finally smiled at you. “Doc says you're ready for a brace anyway.” Once you were allowed your underwear and pants they applied the new brace and you were free to go, freshly questioned and assured that the General would see the footage and Finn would be getting a notification about her decision. Your fate now rested in General Leia Organa's hands, you hoped she would not be as cold hearted as her son.

 

Another few days went by and you were learning how to get around in your brace. It still hurt to bend your knee, but you still embraced the feeling after not being able to for so long. Your little outing was fun, so much fun that every time Finn left the house you let Griffin run freely in the hallways. No one ever complained so there was no reason to stop. One day, however, everything changed.

You had five days left until everyone was allowed to congregate back on D'Qar, you could tell Griffin was losing color in his skin by not going outside and he was starting to grow bored with just playing in the hallway. You made a bold decision to venture outside of the hotel with your son. You didn't see the point of not leaving when the Resistance had already questioned you about your allegiance, surely Finn wouldn't have a problem with you and Griffin taking a simple walk around the block, right? Of course not, he had seen how miserable you were this entire time. You deserve it, Griffin deserved it. You were ready.

You gathered up a coat for you and Griffin and sat him on the bed, going over the rules for a new area once again. “Always hold mommies hand, stay close to mommy, don't run off, and always ask mommy before I touch anything.” Griffin recited your rules perfectly, nodding his head with every rule. “Good boy. Now remember, there's going to be a lot of people, more people than you're used to. Stay close, and just walk. We don't want you running into anyone, okay?”

“Okay mama!” Griffin said enthusiastically. To be sure you had enough time to make it around the block and back you tasked Finn with filling up the fridge, because it was so small you went through food rather quickly. You had even dumped some good food out in the morning before Finn woke up just to make it seem emptier. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but you still felt bad that you had to waste food just to go outside.

Holding tightly onto Griffin's hand you led him out of the room, down the hall, through the entrance, and out into the breezy world of Coruscant. There were people everywhere that were walking here, there, and everywhere, going about their days as if you didn't matter one bit to them. It seemed that you had become old news, no one had noticed you and your son and you weren't being bombarded by people begging you for your autograph or photo. You didn't care, you just wanted to enjoy a stroll with your little boy.

So you walked to your right to go with the flow of the crowd. Griffin looked up, smiling at the skyscrapers and all of the people he had seen. This was a completely new experience for him as well, this was the first time he was seeing people who chose not to see him. On the base everyone would always stop and say hi to him, even if they didn't know him they'd at least smile at him. But these people were just going about their day, not caring that Kylo Ren's son was walking among him.

“Mommy! Look there's a doggy!” He said, using the hand holding his stuffed dinosaur to point at the small canine walking toward him. “Can I pet him? Come here doggy!” He said, you yanked him away, causing you to nearly stumble. You had walked a good ten feet or so but was still having problems balancing using your new brace. “No no, Griffin. We don't pet strange dogs.”

“Aww man!” He said as the dog walked past him. Denying him access to the dog and having him be disappointed would always be better than having him be bitten.

The two of you made it around the corner, you counted it as one of four victories. You smiled as you began walking straight, Griffin was jumping next to you and telling you about how happy he was to see the sunshine again. “I felt like I was going to be inside of there forever!” He exclaimed, jumping over each and every one of the cracks in the concrete sidewalk. “I can't wait to tell daddy!”

“No, Griffin. You can't tell daddy that we went on a walk, okay?” You reminded him as you began walking behind the hotel. There were fewer people, but it was still a pretty open area. Behind the hotel there was a field with a handful of people playing frisbee and just lounging. Griffin looked on like he wanted to go so badly, but you had told him you'd be taking just a simple walk behind the block, nowhere else. “Why can't I tell daddy?” Griffin asked, you could hear the disappointment in his voice.

“Because, he's not your real father.” There was a deep, monotonic voice that came from behind you. Both of you turned around to see a man dressed in all black standing behind you. Before you even had a chance to scream he produced a baton from behind his back and hit you over the head with it. You blacked out, falling right to the ground. You heard Griffin scream, but even his scream was cut short. Before completely going unconscious you felt his small body fall on top of you.

This was the reason why Finn didn't want you to leave without him, you were a walking target and the First Order was just waiting for you to walk into their trap.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who read Consider it I hope you caught the crossover!


	18. Keep Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who didn't see, I uploaded a fluffy one shot the other day of the Reylo variety. Go check it out and then come right back to read this chapter!

You had known the minute you laid eyes on the man that he had come from the First Order. Why else would he make a comment like he did, about Finn not being Griffin's real dad? Furthermore, what other organization would see an unarmed and unprotected woman and her four year old son simply taking a walk and decide to knock them out with a baton? The First Order was such a corrupt group of people, you knew from the second you saw that angry looking blonde man.

But now was a completely different situation. Now you sat tied to a folding chair, your feet were bound to the legs of the chair and your hands were tied at the wrists behind your back. You were staring at a group of fifteen other people, dressed in long black robes and black masks just like Kylo. These must be his men, his Knights of Ren. They were staring at you, some of their heads cocked to the side. Were they pitying you? Were they angry with you? There was no way to tell, absolutely no way. Did it matter? You felt like your fate was pretty clear. Whatever was about to happen to you was going to be public and uncomfortable.

“Master, she's awakened.” One of them spoke, the rest took their eyes from you and craned their necks to look behind them. Shortly after Kylo emerged from the crowd, the knights parting from themselves for him. “Kylo! What's going on?” You started as he approached you. You were massively happy to see him, the last time you had seen each other he was begging you to stay, sure he'd see how badly his men had fucked up and would let you go immediately. You tried to scoot the chair forward as best as you could, hoping Kylo would see how afraid you were and untie you.

Instead, you got a harsh slap to the face.

You sat there completely bewildered, trying to reason to yourself that Kylo didn't really just slap you. But as your cheek seared in pain you realized quickly that this was, indeed, real life. “Don't you speak unless you're spoken to, am I understood?” You nodded your head, willing your tears away as best as you could. You didn't know why Kylo was so angry or why he orchestrated your kidnapping as well as this “meeting,” but you knew what to do when he got this angry; sit down, listen to him, and comply with whatever he had to say. It was your only guarantee to freedom, and it was the only thing you could think to do to keep you and Griffin safe. You didn't know what Kylo did with Griffin, but to keep yourself calm you imagined he had him held up in his quarters, gave him lots of toys to play with to keep him occupied until you'd be released. The likelihood of that scenario being true was slim to none, but the idea of Griffin safe still kept you calm.

“Y/n, I'm incredibly disappointed in you. You came onto the Finalizer having me believing you were a great mother, telling me to keep my hands off of my own son as if I was going to hurt him. But then you go off and abuse the poor boy! What a joke, I can't believe I ever let you leave my custody.”

You shivered as you watched Kylo as he watched you from behind his mask, finally allowing your tears to fall based on the accusation that you abused your own child. “Ky-Kylo, I don't know what you're talking about. I never abused Griffin! I would _never_ abuse him!” You had kinda figured the First Order was watching you somehow, and if they were then you wanted to know just what they observed you do to Griffin to make you think you were abusing him.

Kylo walked around the back of your chair, disappearing from your field of vision. The fact that you couldn't see him made you even more nervous than when he was standing in front of you. “Ky—What makes you think I hurt Griff-”

Your speech was cut off just as your airway was. Kylo had taken the collar of your shirt in his hand and lifted both you and the chair up in the air, effectively hanging you and causing you to choke. “You think this is okay? Do you think this is okay to do to a four year old boy, y/n?” Kylo was so strong, at the same time he was holding you up he was also shaking you, creating minute opportunities for you to take in as much air as you could. You vision began to go completely black, the horrifying strained choking noises coming from your mouth starting to fade the longer he held you there in the air. You had given up hope, just as you thought several times before, Kylo was going to kill you.

As if you prove you wrong on the spot Kylo released the back of your shirt, sending you free falling to the ground. You landed with the chair facing down, your face absorbing most of the blow to the concrete. Your eyes slowly drew open as the pain in your face faded away, and as they did Kylo gripped the back of your chair and brought you into an upright position. Your head sagged over your left shoulder as you began to form words, almost a little too fast for you to keep up. “Please, please leave Griff...Griffin alone, Kylo.”

“I told you to keep your mouth shut!” Kylo yelled at you, you were shocked and so sad to see his cruel ways returning so quickly. Did he kidnap you just to torture you over the fact that he thought you hurt Griffin? Did he have some ego issues after he let you go and the only way he thought he could solve them was by killing you in front of his Knights? You hoped that whatever the answer was he'd either kill you or let you go quickly, you couldn't take yet another interrogation.

“This is not why I brought you here.” Kylo said as he straightened his posture in front of you, the Knights behind him were standing still as statues, Kylo had trained them well. You locked your eyes with his helmet, looking worriedly up at him. What else could he possibly want from you? You had nothing he wanted other than Griffin, if he wanted Griffin he had the option of just taking him. He didn't have to kill you for him!

Kylo bent down and leaned in close to your face, way too close for your own comfort. “You are going to answer every one of my questions and you are going to answer them truthfully. If I detect that you are lying then I will beat you until your skin is black and blue. Do you understand me?” You nodded your head quickly and forcing the bile back down your throat. “But, but can you tell me that Griffin is safe?” You said, tears forming behind your eyes. You had to know, none of this would be worth enduring if Kylo had ended the boy's life. If that were the case then he could just kill you as well.

“You don't need to worry about my son. All you need to worry about is recalling every bit of information you've ever gathered about the Resistance. They're going to _die_ and you're going to be the one to dig their grave.”

You had to wonder, what kind of person were you that the Resistance didn't trust you and neither did the First Order? You had just been questioned days earlier by the Resistance about all of the First Order's secrets, now you were being questioned by the First Order about all of the Resistance's secrets. They were both using you as a weapon against one another. It was an incredibly stressful responsibility to hold, especially since one of them was now extremely hostile toward you and most likely your innocent son.

“Tell me, why did the Resistance question you about your time in the Order?” You had gathered up as much strength as you could to answer this question, you tried your hardest to think of an answer that wouldn't be inflammatory toward Kylo and the First Order fearing it would cause him to lash out at you or cause harm to Griffin. “They, they were thinking I was a spy for you guys. I swear I didn't tell them anything bad!” Kylo looked at you, you could almost see the look of disbelief on his face.

But it was the truth! At least you thought you hadn't told them anything bad. You had told them what Kylo's two different quarters looked like, where on the base you thought they were located, that the schedule of the base seemed to be, just basic information that you could remember from your time locked up with Kylo. You looked at him for his approval, hoping maybe that would be enough to let you off of the hook and he'd leave you alone. He stepped back, crossing his arms behind his back and continuing his painful quest for information.

“Before you go any further, I want you to know that we have the full tape from your questioning in the Resistance.”

That made no sense. That made no sense to you at all. “If you have the tape, then why are you-” Then it dawned on you. Tape? What tape? Where could he have gotten a tape from? “Wait, you have a recording of my interrogation? How did you record it?” Something wasn't right, and you couldn't even begin to wrap your head around how Kylo was able to plant a recording device on you or in the room somewhere. He looked at you, from the small movement he made toward you, you could tell he was ready to yell at you some more. Instead, he relaxed, turning back toward the men and women standing behind him. “Bring out the child.” You didn't have to think too hard to know which child was coming out.

They marched Griffin out, his little hands in shackles as if he were a prisoner. The two knights had their large hands on his shoulders and were leading him right to Kylo Ren. In his hands he clutched his beloved stuffed dinosaur. As soon as he saw you his eyes lit up and the both of you burst into tears. “Mama! Please make them let me go!” He said as his face went completely red. He started thrashing, the two Knights had to hold him down. You watched in horror as Kylo walked over to him, thinking he was going to harm him in some way. But you stayed silent, trying to prove to Griffin that you were strong and would eventually overcome this surprise trip to the First Order.

Griffin looked up at Kylo, his mouth falling open as a scream nearly made it past his throat. In one fluid movement he reached down and snatched the toy from Griffin's shackled hands, causing Griffin to tremble in fear. As Kylo walked over to you Griffin followed him with a horrified look on his face. It was like that dinosaur was his child and Kylo had ripped it from his arms. Kylo held the doll in both of his hands, twisting it around in front of your face. You looked from it to him, wondering what his point was. He spun it around so that the back was facing you, gripped it tightly between his fingers and then ripped it down the middle.

Griffin had been traumatized. He watched as the stuffing from his beloved new dinosaur fell to the ground like heavy snow. He trembled, his lower lip sticking out in a harsh pout as he watched Kylo throw the corpse of his toy to the floor. In an instant Griffin fell to the ground, the Knights weren't fast enough to catch him. The room was then filled with Griffin's cries of agony. This was something that, at any other point in time, you would have paid no attention to. It was a simple temper tantrum that could have manifested over anything. But just this once you'd excuse the behavior. Someone he didn't like just destroyed his favorite toy for no good reason right in front of him, he had a right to react so strongly.

“Take him away.” The Knights that brought him in lifted Griffin into the air and carried him away from you. Inside you were crying just as hard as Griffin was but you were too afraid to show it. Internally you were begging the Knights to come back, to just allow Griffin to stand on the sidelines so you could see that he wasn't being mistreated. You knew Kylo could hear your thoughts, you knew he had every opportunity to bring Griffin back to appease you, but he didn't. He wanted you to suffer.

Once Griffin had been removed and you had tasted blood from holding your bottom lip between your lip for too long Kylo finally revealed why he took Griffin's dinosaur from him. Kylo removed his hand from the inside of the doll, a small metallic object with a flashing red light was sitting in his palm. “Why do you think Kim wanted you to take the dolls so bad?” A recording device. Kylo had been listening to every single conversation you had when Griffin was with you. Kylo had heard the entire interview with the Resistance, he heard you make plans every single day as to what you and Griffin were going to do, and he heard you plan out where you were going to go the fateful afternoon when you were kidnapped.

You hung your head, but then had a sudden realization. The day you took the stuffed animal home was the day you had to yank on Griffin's collar, that spy must have reported your actions to Kylo. You had no other choice! You were now correct in your assumption that he was going to be kidnapped, he was feet away from a First Order spy! You wanted to open your mouth and protest badly, but again, the risk out far outweighs the benefit.

“I had a report given that the Flight trooper who dropped you off noticed that D'Qar was unusually vacant. I instructed my team to keep tabs on you because I was worried. When one of my storm troopers reported seeing you and Griffin walking into a decrepit hotel I grew incredibly suspicious. No member of the First Order, _especially_ my own wife and son, deserves to stay in such an awful establishment. I sent a spy to the hotel to keep an eye on you, which was incredibly difficult since you had never left your hotel room. We were very lucky that she had spied Griffin running around in the hallways, because I knew my son would instantly be drawn to the dolls she placed outside of her door.”

That should have been another red flag. You had told Kylo yourself that Griffin would want stuffed dinosaurs. They would keep him calm during his big “chat” about his true father, so of course Kylo would plant Griffin's favorite thing to grab his attention and plant a damn microphone to keep an eye on you.

“We learned of your interrogation and were happy to see that Griffin came along as well, we were thinking at best you would recap your time spent with those horrid Resistance men with the traitor, but we got something so much better. We got the entire conversation!

“Then we heard your little discussions, your talk about how badly you wanted to go back to D'Qar, and about how you wanted the Resistance to trust you again. Personally, I was disgusted with how they were treating you. They would kick you out and keep your child? Raise it to believe that you're it's enemy? Does that situation sound familiar to you at all, y/n? Does it?”

It was familiar, painfully familiar. You hadn't even realized that your situation mirrored Kylo's with your own child until now. The only difference was you had a choice, either strip and let them evaluate you or become your child's enemy. Kylo didn't, Kylo only found out about Griffin the day he was born and didn't get to spend any time with him until he was four years old. The only influence Kylo had on his life up until that point was scaring him shitless, it's how he was raised and it was what he was told from day one. Now you fully understood Kylo's pain.

You nodded your head, tears falling down your face. You had learned your lesson, Kylo could let you go and you'd never utter a false word about the First Order or Kylo ever again. You'd tell Griffin every day that Kylo was his father if he wanted, you just wanted to go.

“Good. I'm glad you now see the Resistance for who they really are. They were never your ally's, y/n. They never wanted you with them. If they fully trusted you there would not have been any need for an interrogation. They've done wrong to my son and my wife for the very last time. Which is why, when I ask you this question you're going to answer honestly so I can avenge my family, my family that I've worked so hard to create!” Kylo stated. Although you couldn't help but to wonder why you were strapped to this chair and hung up by your collar if Kylo “worked so hard” to earn his family back. It sounded like he was proud of you and angry that the Resistance harmed you emotionally, all while standing here harming you physically in front of his Knights.

“You spoke of the Resistance members repopulating D'Qar. That they were in hiding somewhere else.” You cringed, thinking this is where Kylo was going to beat the life out of you. Finn had never told you where they went or what they were doing. You wouldn't have an answer for Kylo at all. “When are they returning?” Kylo asked, the question giving you just as much anxiety as what you thought he was going to say. You looked at him, your eyebrows furrowing downward. “You, you really think I'm going to let you kill all of my friends, Kylo? Even-even if they wanted to exile me they're still my friends, and I love them! They're Griffin's friends, and aunts and uncles, and babysitters and--”

“Y/n this isn't just about you being considered a spy. This is about them turning my own son against me, this is about them letting two men run their hands all over your nude body, this even goes all the way back to when I got a hold of the map. Remember how they programmed it to harm myself and my staff?” It did jog your memory a little, even caused you to recall the scar that you tried to take such good care of. Evidently it had healed very well, because you couldn't even remember seeing it from the few days you spent with Kylo. But there was also another huge factor of that equation, something you had dreaded since the day Kylo had his accident.

“But, but Eli. Kylo, what about Eli?” Your lower lip trembled, you knew Kylo loved Eli but wasn't sure if he'd admit it in front of his Knights. “And not just Eli, there's other children in the Resistance! Imagine if it were your child, Kylo. Please, you can't kill them!”

“Silence!” Kylo shouted at you, causing you to flinch and back as far away from Kylo as you could. Kylo did nothing but stare at you, you hoped he was thinking on your words very carefully. Suddenly you realized that that's why he hadn't destroyed the Resistance in the first place, he knew both you and Griffin were hiding out in within their organization, if he had just gone in and killed everyone he would have ran the risk of killing you two as well.

“Just kill her Master Ren! She's standing in the way of our plan, we have other ways of attaining this information, she is of no use to us!” Someone spoke in the crowd. All heads turned to the right, to the person who spoke up. Kylo turned around as well, marching up to the person with so much authority that even you were afraid of what their punishment was going to be. “Out.” He simply stated. The Knight quickly turned, walking quickly in a straight line out of the room. “All of you, I want you all gone!”

Slowly but surely the Knights all filed out of the room, creating an orchestra of footsteps that echoed off the the walls of your mind. It was nice to finally hear something that wasn't Kylo's modulator. Once the two of you were finally alone Kylo visibly relaxed, letting the tension fall out of his shoulders and taking a deep breath.

 

–

As Kylo exhaled he removed his helmet. He thought having the Knights of Ren in the same room as the girl when she was interrogated would help him finally make the decision to kill her. Once he found out about what she had told the Resistance he had the perfect excuse. She had compromised all of the hard work he had put into the Order, for all he knew the Resistance was on their way to kill everyone on Star Killer base as well. He did feel bad, she had been considered a spy for both the First Order and the Resistance, she must have felt like the world was coming to an end.

In reality, Kylo's world was coming to an end. He had to put on this massive show of physical restraint and abuse in front of his Knights to give them the idea that he was no longer attached to the girl. He had to kidnap them to find out what information she shared to the Resistance, to stop her from sharing any more information, and to keep them here while he exterminated the Resistance. He wasn't planning on killing her at all, but when his Knight made the suggestion it made sense. It made too much sense. He kicked them all out, not willing to admit it was a good idea.

He wasn't ready to end her life when he had just gotten her back to Star Killer.

He walked back up to her, grasping her chin and lifting her face to meet his gaze. “I'm sorry that I had to treat you like that.” He said, feeling the lump starting to form in his throat. “They need to believe that you mean nothing to me. If they think I'm growing too sentimental they'll- ”

Kylo stopped mid word as she moved her chin forcibly forward, a glob of spit landing squarely on his eye. “Kill me, kill me you fucking coward!” Y/n cried out. He could hardly believe what he was hearing. “You didn't have to do anything like that to me! You just needed to look tough and manly in front of your men. You insufferable coward!

“Having to make up threats to your beloved wife and son, to torture us just to reaffirm your own lies? Cowardly! Just kill me and make everything you said true, because I won't give up any information you want!” He watched as she broke down in tears in front of him, no doubt stressed out by everything going on for her. It broke his heart, he had done all of this to her but he just wasn't willing to admit it.

“I have other ways of obtaining that information, y/n. I do not wish to kill you.” Y/n looked up at him, shaking her head and whispering the word 'coward' at him one more time.

“Well, if you're not going to kill me at least release us back to D'Qar so I can die with my friends and family. Maybe then they won't think I'm a spy.” The words she spoke screamed depression, his heart was breaking more an more for her and the guilt continued to weigh on his shoulders. She would honestly, wholeheartedly rather die than spend time with Kylo, what did that have to say about him?

She wouldn't have a choice, he had already made the decision for her. He had fought so hard to keep her alive and to get his family back that he was confident in his decision to keep her once again. He deserved it, having her alive and well with him in the First Order while she hated him was a much better decision than killing her and having his son growing up without a mother. He felt confident that she'd thank him one day. He was sure he could keep her hidden away, out of Snoke's sight so that he could lie about killing her. It was the only way he could think of to keep her alive.

“Call me a coward all day, y/n. That's not stopping me from taking you home with me.” She shook her head once more, this time looking so defeated he could see the death taking place in her eyes.

“Please, Kylo please.” She begged. “I'd rather you just kill me.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :(


	19. The Gift of Memories

When Kylo had told you of the plan to officially keep you, you felt like you could have died right then and there. You thought for sure you were dreaming because this couldn't actually be happening to you again. Kylo had slapped you, yelled at you, strung you up by your neck, and now for some reason feels like he's justified in kidnapping you and your son? This was just like the Kylo you had known four years ago, selfish and violent, only thinking about him and his needs.

You bawled, how were you going to tell Griffin that his biggest fear was now truly becoming a reality? How were you going to explain to Griffin that he was never going to see his beloved daddy ever again, or his friends, or his teacher, or auntie Rey, or anyone else on the base? More importantly, how were you going to live knowing that all of those people were going to die in a matter of days all because of you? Finn, Rey, Eli, and all of your friends were going to be blown to smithereens because you felt like Griffin deserved to spend time with his real father.

“Kylo, please! You just can't keep me here! I don't want to live the rest of my life locked up with you again!” You begged Kylo to understand where you were coming from, you had spent a year behind his door, you could count on one hand how many times you were allowed to walk over the threshold. He had subjected you to beatings, rape, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, things you just would not have the strength to relive again, much less subject your own son too. “Shoot me, choke me to death, drown me, I don't care! Anything would be better than spending one more moment with you!”

All Kylo did was shake his head at you. “I am keeping you safe, y/n. You wouldn't believe me if I told you what was actually going on, about what you can't see behind the scenes. Just know that I am making the best decision for you and our son. You'll see in the end.” Kylo bent down in front of you, his eyes begging for your understanding and quite possibly your forgiveness. You watched as he took in a shaky breath, a sign that he was fighting tears.

“I'm going to take you to take you to our home, remember our home on Star Killer? Much bigger than the one on the Finalizer. Griffin has his own room that I've completely redone, he's got a bed, lots of clothes, and toys. Just like back at home, okay?” You were shaking as he explained what your life would be like from here on out, back to the place you had suffered for an entire year. “I've put in a new bathroom, had clothes delivered for you and our fridge is fully stocked, just the way you like it y/n. And just like on the Finalizer I'm giving you free roam, you won't be locked up again, I promise.”

Kylo grasped your face one more time, pulling you forward as he attempted to kiss you, you sucked your lips into your mouth and shut your eyes, pulling your head out of his hand and facing to your left. Kylo was mad if he thought you'd willingly kiss him after the day's events. You cracked one eye open just in time to see Kylo turn and start walking away.

It felt like hours before some storm troopers came to take you to your home. You had been sitting in the dark ever since Kylo had left, still tied to your chair even thought Kylo promised you free roam. It was the first of his lies for this new adventure that was being forced upon you. The storm troopers unlocked you and the first thing you did was attack them. You were hoping one of them would shoot you to put you out of your misery, if not then maybe by some stroke of luck you'd kill all of them and be free to run away, to find Griffin and find a way out of this hell you'd have to call home.

Instead you found yourself thrown to the ground at the hands of the storm trooper you jumped on. Afterword you were restrained in a straight jacket, your arms crossed over your chest as you were wheeled around the base to Kylo Ren's quarters. You had no idea where Griffin was or what he was doing, but from the conversation you had with Kylo you had assumed he was fine. Kylo had planned on at least keeping him in close proximity to you, you were happy he was generous enough to do that. You had stopped fighting two minutes into the ride, there was just no use. You had been disarmed and weren't strong enough to break out of the cloth holding you back, it would be better to just try and relax until you were released, then you could try to fight your way out.

When you made it to Kylo Ren's quarters the storm troopers dumped you inside. You landed flat on your face but were agile enough to twist and turn yourself to sit on your backside. Looking up at the storm troopers you asked if they were going to release you from your confines. They looked at each other for just a second as if waiting for the other to undo your straight jacket. Then one of them lifted a small phone to their ear. “Paging Commander Ren in regards to his prisoner?” He asked into the com. “Commander Ren, which prisoner and what's the problem.”

“We've dropped the prisoner off at your personal living quarters but she is requesting her straight jacket to be removed. What would you like us to do?” There was silence on the other side, you were hoping Kylo would release you. If you were going to be stuck here until he came back you would rather have full functionality of your arms. “Are you referring to my wife?” Kylo said into the com, the storm trooper he was talking to stiffened as he looked down at you. “Very sorry, Commander. Yes, your wife.” He sounded nervous, he had crossed the commander and accidentally referred to you as a prisoner, which is what you were by all means. “Why is she in a straight jacket?”

“She tried to harm us, Commander.”

“I see. The girl is suicidal so it is best to keep her in her binds. I will release her when I return with my son.” The storm trooper nodded his head as he affirmed Kylo's orders. Without another word to you they left, you were alone with your unfortunately familiar surroundings.

The table and chairs were still right where they were when you left, the kitchen looked exactly the same, the TV was still mounted on the wall and the couch and little arm chair next to it were in the same spots. The sights made you ill, it was almost as if Kylo hadn't lived here at all after you were rescued. You looked down the hall, true to Kylo's word there was a new door to the left of Darth Vader's room. Then there was the bedroom door. You knew what was behind that door, you knew and you didn't want anything to do with it. There would be the bed that you had shared with Kylo for a year, the dresser that he shoved a knife into when you hesitated on the subject of removing your birth control, the bathroom where he first told you he wanted children with you, the closet you almost expired in after he had smothered you to death.

It was all still there, it almost shocked you to know that Kylo still lived here. It was as if you expected him to just blow it all up or simply find a new place to live after you had been rescued. You didn't want Kylo to have a life after you.

You had tried to stand to your feet to see if you could find a way to finagle your way out of your restraint, but ended up once again falling to the ground not so gracefully. You were clumsy without the use of your arms and ultimately gave up, deciding to just simply lay on your back and wait for your husband to return with your son.

It took about half an hour, but the doors finally opened. In walked Kylo Ren with his hands on Griffin's shoulders. His little hands were still shackled, but this time Kylo had added a new accessory to him: Shakles on his feet.

The moment Griffin spied you he broke down crying, crying out to you and running right up to you. “Mama, it hurts! Take it off it hurts!” He said, bawling. He was holding his hands out to you, the shackles clanking together as he did. He obviously did not see that your hands were bound, if you weren't then you'd work your ass off removing the metal around his appendages. “It hurts! It hurts!” He huffed, you could clearly see your son was in pain—but so could Kylo who was standing a foot away from you, just watching as his son bounced around in pain. What was odd was his hands weren't red and swollen, neither were his feet. The cuffs didn't even look like they were on very tightly, Griffin looked just fine aside from his pained expression and actions. The sight broke your heart no less, you hated seeing him in so much pain.

“If you're not going to release me then could you at least stop your child's pain?” Kylo chuckled, smiling as he bent down and looked at Griffin. You wished so badly you could wipe that shit eating grin off of his face. What kind of father laughs as their child hysterically bounces around in pain?

“They're force blockers, y/n. They hurt but they don't hurt that much.”

“Well they're obviously hurting him! Kylo, he's just a child. Just because they don't hurt you very much doesn't mean they don't hurt him!” Kylo grabbed onto Griffin's shoulders and spun him around, taking a hold of the cuffs and letting them fall off his wrists. “He was giving my storm troopers a hard time. When we originally cuffed his hands the Force had begun to come out of his feet, so we had to cuff his ankles as well.” Kylo picked Griffin up and sat him on the couch, doing the same action to the shackles on his ankles. The clattered to the floor, now Griffin was free.

He wasted no time jumping off of the couch and hugging you, nearly knocking you down as he cried into your shoulder. “Release me.” You commanded him, your son needed you now more than ever, he needed his mommy to hold him and explain to him what had just happened to him, his father was keeping that contact away from him.

“Step back, son.” Kylo said as he pushed Griffin back just a tad. He reached behind your straight jacket and fiddled the the zippers and locks. Eventually the jacket fell away and your arms were freed. You wasted no time wrapping your arms around your son, allowing him to cry in your arms. You didn't blame him, because if Griffin weren't there you'd be crying just as hard.

“Shall we have a tour?” Kylo said, you almost thought he was mocking you. “I don't need a tour, I've been here before.” You turned away from Kylo, not sure where to go from here. You looked around, then realized Kylo had given you free roam of the base. Without another word to Kylo you stood, took Griffin by the hand and walked toward the door.

“Where are you going, love?” Kylo asked, you could hear the irritation in his voice at your noncompliance. “We're leaving.”

“Griffin hasn't seen his room yet--” Kylo said moving to grab Griffin's hand. You snatched Griffin out of his reach, any harder and you felt like you might have dislocated his arm. “Leave us be!” You shouted, once again moving to the door. “Where do you think you can go, love?”

“Anywhere I want, you gave me free roam.” You said snarkily, resting your hand on the scanner just like on the Finalizer. The doors opened and soon you were faced with the much quieter residential hallways of Star Killer Base. “We're leaving.” You said over your shoulder. Truthfully you had no idea what you were doing, you had no way of getting off of the snowy planet and you didn't know your way around this base, just as you didn't know your way around the Finalizer. “And how do you plan on doing that?” Kylo said as he followed you to the door, his arms crossed angrily over his chest, he was losing patience with you. “I'll figure it out, Kylo. You don't have to worry about us.” You stepped over the threshold for the first time on your own, it was an empowering feeling. “Anywhere is better than here with you.”

 

The doors shut behind you and you were grateful that Kylo didn't pursue the two of you. For the first few hours you confidently walked through the hallways, taking turns you thought were correct and keeping a brisk, fearless pace. Griffin didn't follow suit for very long. Still exhausted from his terrible morning with Kylo Griffin was slow and sluggish. Two hours into your walk he was whining and complaining about things you should have been paying attention to. “Mommy, I'm hungry. My feet hurt. I'm tired!” He would say. At three hours he began crying, begging for a nap and for lunch.

You were upset with yourself for only thinking of your needs and not your child's needs. You sighed, finally admitting defeat. You needed Kylo's help and you would need it sooner rather than later.

“Yes!” Griffin said suddenly and loudly. “What, Griffin?” You asked, confused as to why he'd just randomly shout the word 'yes.'

“Someone just asked if I wanted to come home and have lunch time and nap time.” He started to look around as if that person was here with the two of you somewhere, but you knew exactly who was talking in his head. You slid your hand down your face, feeling extremely defeated and upset that you'd now have to rely on Kylo's help to get back to his home. “He said just wait here and he'll come get us.” You shook your head, sad that your little adventure on Star Killer wasn't as fruitful as the one on the Finalizer was. What were you even thinking?

 

20 minutes passed and Kylo finally found the two of you. Griffin had been napping in your lap while you sat on the floor, dozing off here and there as well. You had known Kylo came to get you because he had started to lift Griffin out of your lap, you tightened your arms around him, not willing to give him up to Kylo. After all this time you were still worried about Kylo simply stealing the boy from you and giving him to whoever.

“Relax, y/n. You've been carrying him all this time. Let me take care of it.” You shook your head and sleepily whispered to him no, that you could handle it on your own. Kylo would have none of it, instead he forcibly ripped Griffin from your arms. You gasped as he did, fearing that now your worst fear would come true. You had started to scramble to your feet to go after Kylo, Griffin's eyes opened as he was hoisted over Kylo's shoulder, looking at you with extreme fatigue. You had stopped panicking when Griffin laid his head down on Kylo's shoulder, going back down into his peaceful slumber.

Kylo shushed him, patting his back and swaying him back and forth to calm him back down. The sight calmed you as well, to know that there was someone else around to take care of your child while you were otherwise unable to was a good feeling, you just wished it wasn't your abusive ex husband.

Kylo held his free hand out to you, you reluctantly took a hold of it and allowed him to help you up. You felt like you should have thanked him, both for calming Griffin down and for coming to rescue the two of you after your ill planned escape attempt. It was like Kylo had known you were going to fail, he knew he would have to reach out to Griffin and find you two, but he wasn't teasing you about it, something you could appreciate. You couldn't thank him, however, your pride was too big.

 

The three of you walked in silence until you made it back to Kylo's quarters. You held your hands out to take Griffin from Kylo's arms, ready to hold him while he slept, but Kylo turned out of your way. “He can sleep in his bed, y/n.” Kylo said as he turned toward Griffin's new bedroom. As much as you wanted to protest, as much as you didn't want to trust Kylo and his actions, you allowed him. Griffin had a shit day yesterday and a mostly shit day today, just like you. He deserved to sleep in a comfortable bed. By now Kylo had somewhat proven he hadn't brought you here to hurt Griffin, so you thought you could just him to, just this once, tuck him into bed for a nap.

As he did you sat at the dining room table, your chin in your palm and just staring at the wall in front of you. You wouldn't admit it out loud, but you could have gone for a nap as well. You were so tired, having to endure brutality from Kylo so early in the morning. This was really it, you'd now have to spend the rest of your life with Kylo Ren.

You heard one door open and shut, then heard another door open and shut right afterword. Kylo came out with one hand behind his back. You looked up at him and then looked back at your space on the wall, you wanted Kylo to leave you alone. “I have a gift for you.” He said. He removed his hand from behind his back and placed it on the table. It was oddly shaped, completely flat on the bottom with a rectangular object sticking up in the middle. You had no idea how Kylo was able to wrap such a thing, you had considered yourself moderately skilled at gift wrapping but whatever this was must have taken a real pro.

“Did you wrap this?” Your curiosity got the better of you, you became nosey as you looked up at him suspiciously. “As a matter of fact, I didn't.” Kylo said as he grew impatient with you. “Open it, love. It's a welcome back home gift.” You stared down at the stark red wrapping paper, there was even black string wrapped around it like it was a package. You pushed it to the side. “I don't want your gifts, and this isn't my home.” You were proud of your response and how confident you sounded even though you truly wanted to know what he had gotten you.

“Suit yourself.” He said, carrying it off into the kitchen. You looked back at the wall, trying to pay Kylo no mind as you heard him rummaging around in the kitchen. You had cooked lots of meals in that kitchen, lots of yummy food and snacks were created by your hands, you almost felt like Kylo was a threat to your hard work just by being in there. As badly as you wanted to say something to him you bit your tongue, still holding onto the smallest bit of hope that you'd be back in your own kitchen with Finn.

Kylo emerged with a bowl of cereal in his hand and a glass of orange juice. You rolled your eyes, looking away from him as you did. Why was he treating you like a vulnerable child?

It hardly surprised you when he set the contents down in front of you and told you to eat. “I'm not hungry.” It was a lie, you were a bit peckish but you weren't ready to admit it to Kylo just yet. He huffed, clearly irritated with your attitude and lies. You heard him walk around to the other side of the table and watched as he began to sit down.

As soon as you were made aware of his intentions you began to stand, not wanting to be anywhere near him. However, you found that your chair wouldn't move. You pushed with all your might against the table, so much so that you had expected the whole thing to tip over and fall into Kylo's lap.

“No, y/n. You're going to sit down and stop pushing me away for once.” Kylo said, his voice rising as his anger and impatience with you hit its peak. He had both the chair and table locked with the Force, it left you standing at an extremely awkward and uncomfortable angle so you did as he said, he had given you no other choice.

“I don't understand, y/n. I just can't understand why you don't want to be here, with me!” Kylo started, his face and voice seemed to be pleading with you for an answer. You squinted at him, then looked down at your unappetizing bowl of corn flakes Kylo was so kind enough to get you. You giggled at his comment, was it really that hard for him to understand? He had made it so obvious as to why you didn't want to be here with him, he was just so hard headed and stubborn. “This is not a laughing matter, y/n! I'm not laughing right now!” Kylo slammed his fist on the table, succeeding in bringing your attention to him and making you jump at the same time.

“You come inordinately close to being banished from the Resistance, they were going to take our child away from us because they assumed something that could not have been even further from the truth. I sent my best men to rescue you and Griffin and welcomed you back to where you belong, where we can live as a family! And this is how you repay me?

“Being distant, rejecting my every small act of kindness, running away and trying to stop me from spending time with my son, y/n, you're breaking my heart!”

“Kylo, have you already forgotten what you did to me when you brought me here? You tried to strangle me over something that you falsely assumed was real!”

“My spy had seen you pulling Griffin by his collar when you collected the doll for him, what was I supposed to assume?” You rolled your eyes, becoming quite heated over this argument. “You assume that I couldn't get a good grip on his hand because _you_ put me in crutches!” Kylo rubbed his temple with his thumb, you could see a vein popping out of the side of his neck, a telltale sign that he was about to blow. “Not only that, but you admitted that you beat me just to make yourself look tough in front of your fucking 'Kinghts' and in front of my son. How do you expect me to feel about you?”

“I was and still am trying to save your life, y/n.”

“Tell me then. Tell me how slapping me and tying me to a chair is saving my life. Tell me what you're saving my life from?” Kylo had stopped rubbing his temple in favor of holding his hands open in front of you. “I won't tell you, y/n. You won't believe me and you'll probably just try to run away from me again. I was just trying to say that you should be grateful that I still love you enough to give both you and Griffin a home within the Order when the Resistance had been rejecting you year after year.”

“You love me. Right.” You scoffed, once again looking down at the cereal in front of you. One minute it was there, growing soggier and soggier as the unedible flakes absorbed the milk. The next it was gone, pushed across the room so far the glass bowl and cup shattered against the wall, creating a mural of white, brown, and orange slop on the wall. You jumped back as Kylo now stood across from you, his arm returning to his side after violently pushing your breakfast off of the table. With his teeth bared he took a hold of your left hand and brought it up in front of your face.

“Yes I do love you, y/n. Evidently you still love me too. Now, you're going to stop being so stubborn and start acting like it, for both our child and I.” He let go of your hand, you took the opportunity to study your ring. It was still beautiful, still shiny, and still fit you perfectly. A perfect symbol of Kylo; full of broken promises.

“You think this means I still love you?” You asked him, beginning to take it off of your finger. That is another wrong assumption.” You grit your teeth as you pulled it off and, with all of your might, threw it at him. It made a solid thumping noise as it hit Kylo square in his heart and then landed on the table. “Take it back then, Kylo. Because I don't love you, I never loved you, and I never will love you!” You shouted, refusing to break eye contact with him the entire time. Kylo said nothing as he stood from the table, leaving you by yourself once again staring down at your wedding ring. You meant what you said and you'd say it over and over just to get it in Kylo's thick skull. What he did to you wasn't love, he manipulated you into thinking you loved him, stockholm syndrome is what your therapist called it,

You took in a deep breath, but before you could release it Kylo had slid the gift he had gotten you into your field of vision. You turned around to see him walking away to his room, quickly flinched and turned around when he slammed the bedroom door shut. You thought there was nothing left to lose, Kylo was already angry with you so you might as well open your strangely shaped gift.

Very slowly you unwrapped it, starting from the bottom instead of the top as that's where the seam of the wrapping paper was. You found a white box, and before you pulled the box out you found out that your singular strangely shaped gift was actually two gifts stacked on top of each other. You removed the box and listened as the rectangularly shaped gift clanked to the table, it rattled as well. You guessed it was made of glass and had something inside of it. It would have to wait, because you wanted to know what was in the box first.

Lifting the top you found two of your favorite things: A brand new sketch book in your favorite color and a moderately sized cook book. Along with those two gifts there was a pack of brand new, high end, expensive markers as well as an even more expensive datapad and an electronic pen to use with it. You could now draw digital pictures on your new tablet, just like the time you drew out the schematics for the BB Unit droid for Kylo. Overall you were impressed, Kylo knew you so well and knew you'd like these gifts as they would make you feel more comfortable and more at home with him. You realized Kylo had been trying to get on your good side, and when he stormed off he gave you your gifts to try and remedy the argument the two of you just had. You swore to yourself that it wouldn't work, you wouldn't love him even if he gave you the entire universe.

You placed everything back into the box and pushed it to the side, ready to see what the final piece was. Not wanting to waste any more time you tore the wrapping paper the way you probably should have torn it the first time, straight down the middle. It was finally revealed what gave your gift its odd shape. Sitting right in front of you was a possession long forgotten and well missed. You ran your fingers over the cold glass that housed many layers of colorful sand, starting at the bottom where the blue sand was and ending at the top where several different types of seashells sat on top of some pink sand. It was the glass jar you had filled with sand and shells from your honeymoon on Hoplora with Kylo, he had saved it all this time.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My son and I are sick off of our asses. Enjoy the chapter, smut coming soon....no pun intended lol.


	20. Cheat

Once Kylo had calmed himself down he worked up the courage to go try and speak with his wife again. By now he had definitely noticed a drastic change in character in her, before during an argument she would just back down and do whatever Kylo wanted her to do. Now she was all mouth, taking every opportunity she got to argue with him over everything, even when he was being helpful to her. All he wanted to do was make sure she wasn't hungry, to help her relax and to give her some gifts he had collected for her when he knew for sure she would be coming back to live with him. Instead he got an argument over if he really loved her or not.

It hurt him to hear her say she never loved him. For some reason Kylo just could not believe that to be true. He had worked so hard, showered her with lovely gifts and pampered her, she had said it on her own several times! She slept with him willingly several times, it was almost as if the first few weeks they had spent together had been erased from his memory, along with all the other acts of betrayal from him to her.

Kylo had swallowed his pride, wanting to confront the girl and apologize for his behavior. Throwing her food across the dining room was over the top and likely scared her, that coupled with his yelling did nothing but further detonate the conversation. There's no way she would want to stay with him if that kind of behavior kept up, not only from Kylo but from this new personality of hers as well.

As he stepped past Griffin's room he took a peek in, surprised to see his son still asleep after all the yelling that had transpired between his parents. He had felt so fatherly checking in on his son, something he had never felt the need to do with anyone, not even his wife before. Just something about cracking the door and sticking his head in, making sure his son was still sleeping soundly, he loved it. He felt like a good father, it only increased his confidence to apologize to his wife even more. He wanted this to be good for her, for him, and for Griffin, the first step in creating a safe environment for them would be to correct his harmful actions.

Although he was prepared to say 'I'm sorry' to his wife, he was not prepared to come out and find her fast asleep at the dining room table. She had her chin in her hand, elbow propped up on the table. Her other hand sat atop the jar of sand and shells the two of them had collected on their honey moon. He was so happy he had decided to keep the jar after nearly destroying it in his rage when she was chained to the bed. He had contemplated throwing it away after he had discovered she was missing, the memories the jar held were too painful to bear. But he had kept it, stored it up in his closet behind several pairs of boots so he wouldn't have to see it at all. He took it down every once and a while within the five years she was gone, but never wanted to hold it for longer than five minutes, he would just get too angry and want to take his anger out on the room around him. It took him months to realize the action would not bring his wife back.

He walked slowly and silently up to his sleeping wife, not wanting to wake her from her slumber. If she was as tired as Griffin was then she deserved her rest, but Kylo didn't want her sleeping so uncomfortably at the table. Taking note that her tablet had been opened as well as her fancy markers, Kylo did his best to seamlessly lift her into his arms. He placed one hand behind her shoulders and one under her butt, lifting her into a cradling position. She stirred just a bit, grimacing as she adjusted herself to a more comfortable position in his arms. Kylo felt his heart warm as she turned herself into his chest, snuggling her face into his left breast. It was an action he hardly expected from her, he was happy about it until he realized she was more than likely dreaming, dreaming about another man.

He pushed his feelings of jealousy and anger off of his shoulders as he gently set her in the bed, pulled the covers over her and then left her alone. Becoming angry over a man that would be dead in a matter of days would do him no good, y/n was his once again, he had no worries.

It wasn't until the thought of the ex storm trooper went through his mind that Kylo realized he should be reporting to Snoke about his family being back within the Order. He didn't want to at first, too afraid that Snoke would command him to kill her right then and there. But the more he thought about it the more he figured Snoke would be even more upset if he didn't hear a word about them being back in Kylo's hands. Kylo did have one or two tricks up his sleeve to buy him more time in regards to his wife's execution, he was sure that if Snoke gave him a hard time during the meeting today at least one of the excuses he had come up with would get Snoke off of his back. His end goal was to keep his wife alive, even if that meant having to lock her up once more. So he decided to check on his son one more time and then head down to the meeting room, his heart filled to the top with the confidence that having his entire family home with him would give him.

 

Just as Kylo thought he would, Snoke was giving him a hard time. Although he was grateful and surprised that Kylo had gotten the boy to Star Killer, he didn't understand why he brought his wife as well. “We only needed the child, Kylo. You should have killed that girl the minute you saw her.”

“Supreme Leader, I know you want her dead.” Kylo started, still quivering slightly at the thought of killing his wife. “But I just couldn't kill her. Our son is only four years old, he's still young enough that he needs his mother.” Snoke leaned back, squinting his sunken in, black eyes at Kylo skeptically. “Nonsense, look at all the children that are kidnapped by us in infancy. They grow up just

fine without their parents.” Snoke argued back. Under his mask Kylo was biting his lip, having already lost one of his defenses for his wife. “But those children aren't like our son. Griffin is-”

“' _Our_ ,' son? I think you mean _your_ son. That child doesn't belong to that woman, Kylo. That boy is 100 percent yours, you must raise him to know right from wrong now that he's been raised in the Resistance all of his life.”

The words Snoke spoke created a fear that Kylo had never thought about since he had found out he became a father. Y/n had raised Griffin since the day he was born, she knew his likes and his dislikes, the ins and outs of his personality, she knew his clothing sizes and shoe sizes and knew how well he was doing cognitively. Kylo knew none of that. He knew next to nothing about his own flesh and blood, how was he going to take care of him if y/n was to be killed?

It wasn't a thought Kylo wanted to think about, he wanted to believe he would be able to haggle with Snoke over his wife's life and they could continue to live as a happy family unit. So he corrected his “mistake,” and moved on with the conversation.

“You're right, Supreme Leader. _My_ son is much different than the children of the First Order. He's Force sensitive and comes from royalty. He's going to need both of his parents in his life.”

“That boy is old enough to be raised by just his father, he will be just fine with you. You must trust me, son.” Snoke said, leaning forward and getting closer to Kylo's face. “Have I ever led you incorrectly?” Kylo took in the utmost serious look on his master's face. He felt threatened, worried about what Snoke would do to him if he didn't answer. As far as Kylo knew, up until this point everything Snoke had said to him led him to greatness. But as Snoke started to put this idea of killing his wife in his head, he began to wonder about all the other things Snoke had told him. Had he steered Kylo wrong in the past and Kylo just didn't realize it?

Now was not the time to think about that, instead Kylo swiftly changed the subject to something he knew Snoke would like to hear.

“You'll be happy to hear that the Resistance members are set to return to D'Qar within a matter of weeks, Supreme Leader.” Kylo said as he fidgeted his fingers behind his back. “Yesterday I had my men rig the planet with explosives hidden in various areas, and once those pathetic people file back onto that planet we're going to blow it to pieces. There won't be a single Resistance member by the time we're through.” Kylo said, he wanted so badly to be proud of his accomplishment. He had been working to kill off the Resistance for his entire life, but now? He felt so indifferent. For one, Eli was still a part of the Resistance, the boy that he had grown to love almost as much as his son. He didn't want to delve too far into those emotions when his wife had brought him up the first time, but it still pained him to know that his death was now imminent.

Not only was Eli going to expire, but so would the ex storm trooper that Griffin called “daddy.” Kylo hated that man with a passion, but couldn't deny the fact that Griffin loved him so. He wished there was a way he could kill the man without letting Griffin know so he wouldn't have to hear him break down in tears, he worried about what his mother would be telling him soon as well. If there was one thing Kylo didn't want, it was to be further on Griffin's bad side.

“Very good, son. You have a plan to rid the universe of those vile people, now you just need one to get rid of the most vile of them all.” Snoke didn't have to say who he was talking about, Kylo's stomach twisted in knots at the mere hint of his own wife's demise. To say she was even more vile than the Resistance just broke his heart, he knew that there was no truth in that statement. “It's taken you six days to get her onto the base, you have 24 days to end her life. Do not disappoint me, son.” With that, the hologram image of Snoke flicked off. Kylo was left alone with his unsettled thoughts on how he was going to keep his little family together.

 

When he made it back to his home he was surprised to see everyone was still as he left them. Griffin was still asleep in his room and his wife was still asleep in their bed, albeit on her stomach instead of on her back. She looked so peaceful, so content as she lay there asleep without knowing he was in the room with her. She looked like the y/n he remembered while on their honey moon, the y/n that was in the drawing he had kept all these years. He glanced at his bedside table, in the drawer next to the drawing she had done of Kylo sat the drawing of her, folded up so he wouldn't accidentally look at it while she was gone. At least in the drawer the two of them lived happily together.

Kylo wasn't sure what he could do while the rest of his family was fast asleep, so he decided to shower and just try and relax for the rest of the evening as best as he could. His family would have to eventually wake up and talk to him, he was sure of it.

 

–

You had awoken to the sound of the shower turning off. You hadn't even heard it turn on, but the sound always relaxed you back to sleep when Finn would wake early to shower before work. So when Kylo had cut it off you instantly woke up, no longer relaxed when you remembered you weren't with Finn, you were with Kylo.

The sun was nearly done setting, leaving everything in the room showered in a beautifully warm orange glow. You looked around and noticed everything was exactly the same as when you left, minus the chain that was kept attached to the footboard of the bed. You stretched out, bending your toes and fingers until you were comfortable enough to sit yourself up. You wondered about Griffin, he had gone down for a nap much sooner than you did, he must be awake by now.

You started to sit up out of bed when the bathroom door swung open. In walked your ex husband, Kylo Ren, in nothing but a towel and a dripping wet body. You looked over at him, then looked toward the door as you tried to ignore the way your body had begun to react to his presence. “Where's Griffin?” You asked as Kylo moved to the mirror to comb his hair. “He's still in his room, try not to worry too much love.” Kylo once again tried to assure you, but nothing Kylo could ever do to you would stop you from worrying about your baby in his presence.

“Well I'm going to go-!” Your speech immediately halted as you watched Kylo's white towel hit the floor. In and instant Kylo was completely naked right beside you, and you were completely disgusted in the way your body reacted to him. Your eyes slid downward, over his heavily muscled back, over his smooth butt cheeks, and down his toned legs. _Shit. Shit!_ Had he gotten better looking while you were gone?

“Kylo, what the fuck!?” You said as you threw the blanket over yourself. There was no reason for you to be acting like you wanted him while he had on no clothes. This man tortured you and terrified your son, you couldn't be getting turned on by his body like this.

“What's the problem, y/n?” Kylo said, turning his head toward you. “We're both married, it's not as if you haven't seen me naked before.” He turned his head back to the mirror and you were ever so thankful he didn't turn his entire body toward you. You knew you wouldn't have been able to stop your eyes from roaming if he did.

It was the wrong moment for your body to remind you that you hadn't had sex since before your weekend visit with Kylo. It had become a semi regular thing with Finn early on in your relationship, it was something the both of you had to want passionately at the same time before you agreed to make love to each other. It was a way for the two of you to heal together, to learn about each others bodies, and to just spend time with each other. Sex with Finn was about love and reminding each other that you belonged to one another, sex with Kylo was about dominance and reminding you that you belonged to him.

Even still, your mind wandered to the consensual sex you and Kylo had. Those days and nights when Kylo would pound into you endlessly, bringing you over the edge several times before finishing himself and then letting both of you relax. The way he would eat you out for over an hour at a time, licking you over and over until you came several times all over his face. Most of the time, Kylo was good to you. Which is why when you got a full view of his body you felt yourself grow wet in between your legs.

“Put some clothes on, asshole. I don't want to see you naked.” You said, staring right at the wall, refusing to look over your shoulder at your ex husband. “You're in my home, have you already forgotten?” He said cynically. “Besides, from the way I can feel you reacting to me I feel like you want to see me naked.”

“I think not.” You said, covering the blanket around you tighter and tighter, willing your arousal away. “Just because I have a uncontrollable and natural reaction to you doesn't mean I want you.” You spat out at him. It was the truth. It wasn't your fault that Kylo was a good looking man, you felt like it was such a waste that a shitty personality was wasted on him, because if he was nicer and more considerate then maybe you'd think about giving your body to him again. But no, he was still the same Kylo that beat you today the same way he did five years ago when you first met him.

You heard Kylo open the closet door and then quickly close it. You had looked up just in time to see Kylo pulling a pair of grey sweatpants onto his hips, just barely catching a view of his thick black patch of pubic hair. “Happy?” He asked, holding his hands out next to his body. You nodded as you once again threw your blanket off of you, ready to sit up and go check on Griffin.

However, you stopped in your tracks once Kylo began walking toward your side of the bed. “Not so fast, love.” He said, pushing you back down onto the bed. Your heart beat sky rocketed, knowing what would come next would not be good for you at all. “Relax, okay? I want you to relax.” Kylo looked sincere enough, like he didn't mean any harm, but it didn't stop you from trying to push him off of you. “Kylo, no! Please, I don't want this.” You pleaded with him, the only thing he did was place his pointer finger on your lip to shush you. “Griffin is sleeping in the other room, he's fine but you have to stay quiet.” He said to you softly.

“I felt it, you're desperate. You want to cum, don't you love?” You trembled underneath of him, refusing to admit your need to him. “Not desperate enough to fuck you, Kylo.” You said, once again trying to push him off of you. “I understand, love. But what if I just helped you, what if I used my mouth?” Kylo gripped the waistband of your pants and began to pull, you quickly took a hold of his hands and pulled them away from you. “No! I'm with someone, Kylo.” You reminded him, as if he was ever going to let you go back to Finn ever again. He stared at you, thinking carefully about what he was going to say to you. You could tell he wanted to say something about Finn, but didn't want to ruin his chance to have any kind of sexual experience with you after so long. “Okay then, what about my fingers” Before you could even object to the idea Kylo was shoving his fingers into your pants, quickly seeking out your throbbing clitoris and making gentle rubbing motions with his thumb.

You were about to let out a scream, but it was quickly cut off by a relief filled moan. His actions felt so good, you almost didn't want to deny him. You looked into his honey brown eyes, the eyes that you fell head over heels in love with the moment you first saw them. He looked so soft and gentle, like he didn't want to cause you any distress. His actions slowed, you realized he was looking at you for permission to continue.“You can say no, love. Just tell me to stop and I'll stop.” Kylo said as he started to probe your entrance with his fingers.

You were so conflicted. You wanted nothing to do with Kylo, nothing at all! You didn't want him anywhere near you and hadn't wanted him anywhere near you for the past four years, but now that he sat here with his hand down your pants ready to get you off for the first time in four years, you could admit that maybe, just maybe, you wanted him all to yourself.

Just as you said earlier, it was a physical reaction that you had no control over, it had nothing to do with you wanting to be with Kylo or love Kylo, it had everything to do with you wanting Kylo to move his fingers so you could cum and cum quickly. With a heavy swallow to your pride, you spread your legs and leaned your head back onto the pillow, unable to verbalize your need and admit defeat to Kylo's skilled fingers.

You could almost see the smug smile across Kylo's face from behind your closed eyelids once he started moving his fingers again. His thumb circled your clit as his fingers pushed themselves inside of you, you sighed heavily as the first waves of pleasure built up inside of you. Kylo's fingers were so much bigger than Finn's, Finn didn't even use his fingers on you that often. You hated how much you were enjoying this, it hardly seemed fair that Finn was probably worrying himself to death over your kidnapping while you were sitting here getting finger fucked by your babies father.

“I missed this.” You heard Kylo said, his voice thick with pleasure. He readjusted himself, his erect cock nudging your leg for a hot second. You could see it perfectly in your head, how it would bob up and down when he'd walk, the vein that would pulsate with his heart beat, the way the head would turn red when it would fill with blood. My god, you almost asked him to fuck you right there. “I missed you.” Kylo said, leaning closer to your face. You were shaking, so close to finishing as you gripped the sheets below you, spreading your legs wider to give Kylo easier access to your aching cunt.

It felt so wrong, you knew you'd hate yourself later on, especially if you found your way back to Finn some how some way. But you needed Kylo in that moment, even while your orgasm washed over you, you could easily admit it was a physical need. Like the need to put pressure on a bleeding wound, it was just something you needed at that time.

Once your compressed, ecstasy filled moans ceased and Kylo had removed his fingers from your pants you allowed yourself to calm down, opened your eyes and tried to let the tension fall out of your body. You looked at Kylo as he brought all five of his fingers into his mouth, making a great show of him licking your juices off of his fingers. Once your orgasmic bliss had worn off you were free to be as disgusted as you wanted to be with Kylo's lewd actions. You grimaced as you tried to turn away from him, but soon found your legs trapped as he settled himself down.

He gripped the front of his pants and pulled them down, his cock sprang to life and it looked just the same. Curved, long, thick, erotically delicious above all else. You felt your clit tremble at the sight, you couldn't even admit to yourself at the time that you wanted it inside of you. He started to move so he was laying on top of you, working himself and his rock hard member in between your legs ready to fuck you like a wild animal like you knew you wanted. You objected though, your guilty conscience would not allow you to fuck him, not so soon after being taken from Finn.

“No.” You said as you pushed him off of you. He leaned up, looking quite upset at the fact that you just told him no. In turn, he gripped himself in his hand, beginning to jerk himself, relaxing so much so that his eyes began to roll into the back of his head and the pleasure was starting to show on his face. “No, Kylo!” You stopped him, not wanting to see him cum either. “Please, I don't want you to do that.” Kylo stared at you, his grip on his cock relaxing as he took in a breath. You knew it was probably a hard decision for him, the man craved sex and craved sex often. But you could also tell he wanted to appeal to you and make you comfortable, you were hardly surprised when he pulled his pants back up and moved off of you, taking the few steps to the bathroom and leaving you alone to soak in your guilt.

You could hardly hear Kylo's moans and groans of pleasure in the bathroom over your cries. You had expected the guilt to come tomorrow morning, not two minutes after Kylo left to masturbate in the bathroom. You honestly felt like a dirty cheater, felt like everything you and Finn had worked so hard to create had officially came burning to the ground. You felt like a monster, like a _whore_ as Kylo had called you many times now. You had spent so much time assuring Finn you no longer loved Kylo, that even though you always wore your wedding ring he meant nothing to you. And now? You tried to convince yourself that orgasming was a physical need, something you couldn't control. When in reality it could have been controlled, you just fell in a moment of weakness.

As Kylo opened the bathroom door you doubled down under the covers just like when he came out from the shower, rubbing your face on your sleeve to quickly dry your tears. He turned out the light and settled down beside you, moving under the covers and pressing his body against yours in a loving embrace. Obviously aware of your tears, he said nothing as he ran his fingers up and down your arm soothingly. Although you had just finished beating yourself up over the fact that you had basically cheated on Finn you allowed him to comfort you, Griffin was still asleep and you had no one else to seek out for support.

Kylo leaned up over your shoulder and planted a kiss on your temple. “It's going to be okay, love. Everything is going to be okay.” He said, his breath warming your ear and calming you down just slightly. “I won't let you down, y/n. I'll give you my word that I won't disappoint you.” You closed your eyes, not feeling tired at all after sleeping nearly all day. The only thing you could do at this point was to put your trust in Kylo. He had demonstrated sufficient self control tonight, maybe you could relax a little bit more while in his care.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It only took me 20 chapters to get to the smut. Lol.  
> https://www.pinterest.com/jennifernoir/  
> I just recently created Pinterest boards for this series, check them out my lovelies.


	21. If at First you do Succeed, Try it Again

 

You found yourself simply existing over the next few days. You would sleep, eat, and take care of Griffin as best as you could, dodging his questions on your whereabouts and your home planet and such.

“But mommy, I wanna go home and see daddy and auntie Rey. When are we going to go back home? We haven't been home in such a long time!” Griffin would whine as you poured him some cereal and a glass of milk, like what you would have for breakfast back at home. You never wanted to answer him truthfully, too afraid it would cause the boy to spiral into some sort of depression as you had when you found out you'd be here for the rest of your life. “Soon, Griffin. We can go back home soon. Now eat your breakfast.” You said, plopping the spoon into the bowl as Griffin leaned his chin in his hand.

“I don't wanna eat breakfast. I wanna go to school and see all my friends and Mr. Baldor.” It pained you to see how happy Griffin truly was when the two of you were on D'Qar. He almost never whined or complained like this back at home when he was with his family and friends. You wished he had the capacity to understand that the two of you had been kidnapped by a psychopath who wanted you all to himself, it was the only explanation you could think of that would make sense—because it was the truth. But no, to a small child that would be too scary, too unimaginable and not very easy to understand. Instead, you hid the truth from him, hoping he would just fall into a rhythm on Star Killer base just as you had when you first got here, making himself a routine and trying to enjoy his time here with his real father.

While Kylo was gone you messed with your new tablet, personalizing it and seeing if you could figure out a way to contact someone on the outside to come rescue you and your son. You had Finn's datacode memorized just like your old one, the first thing you did was type it in and try to call him. It rang and rang, increasing your hope little by little each passing second. You couldn't believe Kylo was naive enough to allow you this function on your own tablet, in your mind it would have been the first thing stripped from the device if you had assigned it to someone you were keeping tabs on.

As it turned out, Kylo wasn't dumb enough to allow you to make outside calls. After the 4th ring or so there was silence, your heart was pounding in your chest, praying that Finn would pick up and come help you. But sadly, that wasn't the case. There was a robotic voice on the other end that simply said “This device is not permitted to make calls outside of the First Order's telecommunication system. Goodbye!”

You felt the tears prick the back of your eyes as your hope was dashed, contacting Finn was no longer an option.

Earlier that afternoon, while picking up some stuff around Griffin's room you got an idea. The built in, automated robot woman that told you that you couldn't make calls outside of the Order had literally said you could only contact people within the Order. Maybe if you sent out a mass message you could grab somebodies attention and they could help you get away! You dropped what you were doing and moved quickly to your datapad on the kitchen counter.

You went into the messaging system and saw that you had missed a message from Kylo:

 

**K. Ren: I hope you're having a good day. I love you and I'll be home soon.**

 

You felt like the previous version of you that had been living under Kylo's roof for a year already would have melted at his small show of affection. He had taken the time, two minutes out of his busy day to write you a message to let you know he was thinking of you.

But that wasn't you now. You exited out of the message he sent, not willing to entertain his affection for another second. You opened a new message to compose and added every single contact in your datapad to the contact line. There were names you didn't recognize, and it arranged them in alphabetical order, so the only four people you saw had last names that began with A and there was a tagline at the end that said “+165 others.” You felt a little bit more hope, surely at least one of these people would help you out, right?

You went on to type your message, the sounds of Griffin's cartoon in the living room drowning out your conscious begging you to stop and rethink your actions.

 

**You: Someone please help me. My four year old son and I were kidnapped from our home by my estranged husband Kylo Ren. He has been abusive to me, both physically and sexually, in the past and I'm afraid for both my child's life and my life. He is keeping us locked in his quarters, please I just want to go home!**

 

You hit sent without any second thoughts. Also without thinking about who, exactly, was in your contact list. One big name you didn't think about was your husband himself, if he had messaged you before hand he was obviously in your contact list. What about other people like General Hux, or that nasty ass lieutenant? Once again, your lack of thinking these things through would get you in trouble.

You were still in Griffin's room when you heard the door open no more than thirty minutes later. You peeked around the corner to see Kylo stomping toward you. Griffin was leaning up over the couch to see what Kylo Ren was doing, you were happy to see Kylo was ignoring him and coming straight to you.

Without a word Kylo snatched the tablet out of your hands, tucking it into his coat pocket. You couldn't step back fast enough, in an instant his gloved hands were at your jaw, squeezing your cheeks tight and pushing you back into Griffin's room. You wrapped your hands around his wrists, kicking yourself for not thinking that Kylo would find out about your little plea for help. You worried he was about to beat you for it now, your son sitting right around the corner.

“You ever try an idiotic stunt like that again and you're going to regret it.” You didn't say anything, just looked into his unforgiving helmet and nodded. You could feel his anger in the way he was holding your face, you might have just majorly embarrassed him and ruined his reputation. However, if it got you help to get off of this base then his embarrassment would be worth it!

“Furthermore,” Kylo said, you could hear the anger in his voice as his grip on your jaw tightened. “You are not locked in here, I've told you I've given you free roam of the base. If you're going to make yourself out to be a damsel in distress the least you could do is be factual. And we are not an “estranged” couple, y/n. We are still married, even if you refuse to wear your ring.” You wanted so badly to shake your head, you hardly considered yourself married to him after your first two years in the Resistance, and not having the ring anymore actually made you feel loads better. You wished you had taken it off a long time ago.

Kylo finally released your face and you took two steps back, rubbing the pain away in your cheeks. Did he really have to ask again why you didn't want to be married to him anymore? “You've lost your tablet privileges. You'll get it back in a few days.” Kylo said just before turning on his heel and walking out of Griffin's room. You followed him and watched as Griffin quickly fell back into the couch upon seeing Kylo walking toward him. You briskly followed after Kylo in order to stop him from harming or yelling at Griffin over your poor decision, that was the last thing you needed to come out of this situation.

Kylo leaned over the back of the couch and saw Griffin staring up at him, he was flat on his back with his arms crossed over his chest. He didn't look afraid of his father, more likely curious as to when the two of you were doing in his room and now curious about what Kylo wanted from him. “You don't have to be afraid of me, Griffin. I promise I won't hurt you.” Kylo said, you knew Griffin was skeptical about Kylo as well, not wanting to get too close to him after he saw how Kylo treated you and him. You wondered what Kylo thought of it all, did he expect Griffin to come here and instantly love him as he expected of you? You hadn't the slightest idea, while he had tried to talk to you over the past few days you had completely ignored him, wanting nothing more than for him to leave you alone after bringing you into this terrible situation.

Griffin said nothing in reply, just covered his face with his hands and turned into the couch. It was almost as if he was shy, trying to hide his face from someone he was fascinated with as he sometimes did. You prayed that Griffin wasn't beginning to open up to Kylo, it would only make sense because Kylo had been so nice to Griffin as of recent, but still. He had done a good job of showing his restraint around Griffin and often went out of his way to try and show Griffin that he loved you, trying to hug you and kiss you, help you out with little tasks you came up with around the house, and probably the worst of it all was Kylo was being overly nice to Griffin.

The day after you arrived on Star Killer Kylo had a giant chocolate cake sent to his quarters and Griffin tore it up in three days. He had movies about sailing and dinosaurs sent to his quarters and spent the time watching them with his son. Perhaps the action that made your stomach churn was when Kylo came home with not one, not two, but three brand new dinosaur plushies. He gave them to Griffin and apologized for destroying his old one. “I hope that one day you can forgive me, son.” You shook your head as Kylo handed him the dolls, why hadn't he ever spoken to you like that? You could admit that you quickly became jealous of Kylo's affection toward his son, he had never treated you as well as he treated the boy, it was upsetting to you.

You had to look away as Griffin took the half a step toward Kylo and wrapped his arms around his neck, hugging your abuser as a way to say thank you. When you looked back Kylo had his eyes closed and his arms wrapped around the much smaller boy as well, when he opened them back up they were stained red, a sign that his emotions were getting the better of him.

Griffin was staring up at Kylo with a lovely grin on his face, then quickly turned and ran toward you with the dinosaurs in his arms. “Look mommy! Look at what Kylo Ren gave me!”

“I see, Griffin. Come on it's time to take a nap.” You said, refusing to even look at Kylo as you knew he was observing your reaction to what just transpired. You felt ill the rest of that day.

 

“Love, why don't you sleep in bed with me tonight? You deserve a good nights sleep and I don't like you sleeping on the couch like this.” Kylo brought up his worries as you fixed your hair into a tight bun on top of your hair to sleep in. After the 5th night Griffin asked you to kindly not sleep in his room anymore, the boy had always valued his privacy and you knew this night would be coming. “No, I'm alright Kylo.” You said. You didn't want him touching you or even getting the idea that you wanted to sleep next to him.

“Y/n, I promise I won't touch you at all. I know you're still angry at me and I understand why, but it still pains me to know that my wife slept on the floor for five days and now is sleeping on the couch when she can at least be sleeping in bed with me.” You cocked your head to the side, at least he's aware of your worries. This was the second night you had slept on the couch, and each morning after you had woken up with a stiff neck that further put you in a bad mood for the day. You recalled your very first night during your second trip to Star Killer, how Kylo got you off with his fingers after you told him you didn't want him to pleasure you orally, and then when you didn't want him to fuck you or cum on you he obeyed your commands as well. You sighed, Kylo really had gotten better, you could no longer deny it.

“I'll give you my word that I won't even look at you if you don't want me to. I just want to know that you're comfortable so you won't wake up hurting. It's not good for you and it's not good for our son.” You rolled your eyes, smoothing out your hair and sitting up to look at Kylo. He did have a point, with this newfound trust you had in Kylo and the body aches you knew you'd wake up to in the morning there was really no reason to tell him no. You knew that and you knew Kylo knew that, he had you cornered.

You knew you had the option to say no even though it would make no sense whatsoever. You wanted so badly to say no and spend the night alone on the couch by yourself, but truthfully you also didn't think you could take another day waking up with so much tension in your neck. You worried about the future, if you spend every night for the rest of your life on the couch then you'd have some pretty serious skeletal issues. With a heavy sigh you scooted around on your butt, planting your feet firmly on the ground and standing. You didn't look at him as you walked past, too afraid you'd see a proud grin on his face that would make you ill and regret your decision.

You made a beeline to the bed and climbed into it, covering yourself with his heavy comforter and laying your head down on the lovely pillows. Immediately your body began to relax as the memory foam underneath of it welcomed your body. You closed your eyes and exhaled, the bed was as nice as you remembered it five years ago.

Or at least it was until you felt the other side dip down next to you. The bed moved as he adjusted himself next to you and then you felt his hot hand at your hip bone. He slid it up over the curve of your hips and over your ribs, you could practically feel his grin on the back of your neck. “Thank you.” He whispered against your skin, bringing out goosebumps on your already cold skin of your shoulder. You moved your shoulder, shaking Kylo's hands off of you. “Don't touch me.” You said, once again adjusting yourself in bed to rid your body of his residual feeling.

Kylo said nothing to you for the rest of the night, just simply let you fall asleep to the tune of your own heart beat.

 

–

 

Kylo stood once again in front of Snoke, being talked down to like a naughty child once again about his wife who was still alive and well. He had started to dread being called into meetings with Snoke for this very reason, he often found himself pleading with Snoke to save his wife's life but it was always in vain. Kylo only had 15 days to save his wife, and he was quickly running out of hope. As Snoke yelled at him he could almost envision his life as a single father to his only son, mourning over his wife's untimely death all while trying to raise a confident and strong force user to not hate him. The task seemed almost impossible, Kylo was desperately trying to come up with a new plan.

“The General told me about that woman's cry for help. She almost caused a lot of problems for you, Kylo. Do you still not see why I want her gone?” Catching a lump in his throat Kylo once again assured the Supreme Leader that he understood, tried to tell him that he had punished the girl severely enough that she learned her lesson, when in reality he barely did anything to her at all. He once again went back to begging him to save her life, reasoning with him that the girl was still just adjusting to life back on Star Killer and she just needed more time.

It was a pointless roundabout that the two got into every few days. Kylo would always end the conversation completely conquered by his master over his wife's death, turning and sulking out with a simple “yes Supreme Leader.”

Except for this time. As the Supreme Leader went on and on about y/n and Griffin, about how she obviously did not take care of herself very well while she carried Griffin Kylo got an idea. One final attempt to keep his wife safe and alive with him, but even in his own head it sounded silly and mediocre. He swallowed a huge wad of saliva, grit his teeth as he waited for Snoke to finish speaking to him. As soon as he stopped speaking of how detrimental she was to him he wasted no time blurting out his response. Snoke's empty eyes widened in disbelief at Kylo's words, his mouth dropped open at the information Kylo had shared with him. Kylo prayed to every higher being he could think of that Snoke would believe him, for his wife's sake and not his own.

If it worked once, surely it would work for him again.

 

–

You were now going on your third week back on Star Killer. Griffin had grown substantially more comfortable in his surroundings and, to an extent, so had you. After that first night you had willingly spent in Kylo's bed you spent every other night with him. The bed was just too comfortable to pass up, there was no reason to sleep on the couch when Kylo had been kind enough to treat you like an actual person with feelings and emotional responses, not just taking your body when he felt like he wanted it. He often did experiment with you, gently caressing his fingertips over your skin, kissing you here or there, just seeing what he could get away with at the time. Every so often you allowed him to feel his way around your body, welcoming the contact as a way to combat the loneliness you felt in your heart. Most of the time, however, you pushed him away. Your thoughts would wander to Finn and how much you were missing him, imagining that it was his fingers roaming your body and causing your heart to flutter, but you'd turn around and see Kylo running his hands all over you, not your beloved boyfriend.

One morning you woke up to your body singing with pleasure. You were restless, tossing and turning as the wet pleasure mounted in your sex. You let out quiet moans as warm hands traveled up and down your thighs, warming you as they moved your blanket to the side to give them full access to your cunt.

Of course, it was Kylo that was orchestrating this ordeal, but in your still quite asleep state you were dreaming that it was Finn. You could clearly see him resting between your legs as his mouth latched onto your sex, snaking his tongue inside of you and causing you to tremble in delightful pleasure. He moaned as you moaned, spreading your legs wider for him and reaching down to touch his beautiful face. He caught your hand, resting it on your belly as he shook his head against your wet cunt, his nose nudged at you clit slightly which made you take a sudden, sharp intake of breath. When was the last time Finn ate you out? _God._ You missed this feeling so much.

He switched his attention solely to your clit, you were already so stimulated that you jumped as soon as his tongue made contact with the small bundle of nerves. Your hand flew to your hair as you gripped it in response to the pleasure he was giving you, you needed something to hold on to as you felt like you were already tipping over the edge.

Finn swirled his tongue slowly around your clit, every once and a while dipping his tongue down into your hole and tasting your overflowing juices. You groaned as you felt your clit swelling, you wouldn't be able to hold out much longer.

As you began to rouse even more you became more verbal, moaning and groaning a little too loud as Finn shushed you. You assumed he was worried about Griffin and decided it was a good reason to be a little quieter. The last thing you needed was for Griffin to walk in on his parents performing oral sex on each other.

“Ah! Finn.” You moaned, gripping the bed sheets below you as he quickened his pace. Just as you were starting to enjoy his rapid movements that were bringing you dangerously close to your bliss he stopped, released your clit from between his lips and shook his head. “Kylo.” He corrected, stopping and leaning his head against your thigh as he brought his fingers up to play in your wetness.

“Ky-?” You said out loud, still partially asleep and confused. Once reality hit you it hurt like a train to the face.

You immediately sat up, pulling yourself away from Kylo slightly and gasping at the scene spread out before you. Kylo reached for your knees once again, attempting to pull you back to him. “Shh, shhh. It's okay y/n. Just relax. You're alright.” You breathing slowed as you logically thought your way through the situation: Kylo hadn't been hurting you, he hadn't forced himself on you and he currently wasn't forcing his face back between your legs. You could calm down just a bit and reassess your pleasure and if you wanted him to continue.

“I'm sorry, it's been a while hasn't it?” You nodded your head and snapped your legs shut, bringing your knees up to your chest and hugging them. What the fuck was wrong with you?

“There's nothing wrong with you, love. You were enjoying a sexual encounter with your husband.” Kylo reached for your hand and, reluctantly, you let him have it. He ran his thumb over the back of your hand, looking deep into your eyes as if trying to understand why you were so shocked to find him in between your legs instead of Finn. If you were being honest with yourself even you didn't understand it, it wasn't as if Kylo let you go home last night.

“You should let me continue, you seemed like you were having a good time.” Kylo said, dropping your hand and moving his fingers down your legs and to your ankles. He took a hold of your left one, pulling you toward him slightly. You resisted, afraid at first and wondering where your loyalty truly lied. You loved Finn, you didn't love Kylo. But here you were, actually contemplating on if you wanted Kylo to finish you off or not. The conflict was real, real like it was that first night when Kylo used his fingers on you. Finn was out there still, looking for you and looking for Griffin. He still loved you, he took care of you better than Kylo ever could.

So when you scooted back down and spread your legs for Kylo, you embraced the guilt that made its way on your shoulders.

Kylo brought you to orgasm and did so quickly, and afterword you didn't cry as hard as you did the first time. You actually held your emotions together quite well while Kylo was cleaning up in the bathroom, telling yourself that it was just a physical need that you could have gone without if you wanted to. You had taught this lesson to Kylo: Sex did not equal love.

But what sex with someone other than your significant other did equal was cheating. As soon as that thought ran through your head you broke down in soft, near silent tears. This was now the second act of betrayal against your beloved Finn, and he most likely didn't have a clue as to what was going on.

As the bathroom door opened you ceased your woe as best as you could, wiping your face with your sleeve and just stared down at the floor. Kylo strutted out as confident as ever in nothing but his underwear, not bothering to hide his cock at all. When he made it back in front of you he started rubbing it in front of your face, surely this was when he'd force you to get him off somehow some way. It was odd for Kylo to let you cum twice without him getting to cum with your help at all. You simply stared up at him, waiting for him to say whatever he needed to so he could let you go start your day.

“Let's make love.” Was all he said to you, you could see the burning desire on his face and his vicious need straining against his boxers. You really weren't in the mood, still so depressed over your actions from earlier that morning. “Are you sure?” Kylo said as he began to lower his underwear, you knew he was more than likely thinking you wouldn't be able to resist him. But resist him you did. You simply bowed and shook your head, displaying images of the fun you and Finn had together, the time you spent together, and the memories that you made in your mind for Kylo to see.

You saw his belly extend out and then fall back into place in your peripheral vision, an indication that he had taken in a rather large and stressful breath. You expected him to grip you by your arms and force you into the bed with him, figuring he had waited long enough for his chance to fuck you. You would have embraced it, he wasn't going to be letting you go anytime soon so why hold out for Finn any longer?

Instead, Kylo raised his underwear once again, leaned down and kissed you on the mouth. It took you by surprise, just a small peck he planted on your dry lips told you about how he felt about your decision to forego lovemaking with him. He accepted it, that's all that mattered. “In four days, that man will be dead, love. Then you'll have no reason not to love me like you used to.” Kylo said, turning from you immediately afterword and heading to the closet to get ready for work. You shivered and bit down on your lip, Kylo sure knew how to ruin a mood.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am the official last person to see TLJ. Seeing it on Tuesday lol.


	22. Growing Artist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic will remain free of any Last Jedi Spoilers!

On the day Kylo told you Finn would be dead you were nothing short of bedridden. Having cried all night long and begged Kylo to spare Finn's life until he yelled at you to stop bothering him and to let him sleep. Even then you lay awake in bed, wishing there was a way to warn Finn and to tell him to get himself and everyone off of D'Qar to somewhere safe. You had put many people's lives in jeopardy, if you could switch places with all of them you would. You deserved to die for being so naive and thinking nothing bad would come from “visiting” Kylo. It was your fault that thousands of people would meet their deaths today.

Kylo roused you after you had finally managed to fall asleep, letting you know that your friends had made it back to D'Qar the previous night and today would be the day that they perished. “Why are you telling me this, Kylo?” You asked, hurt by his audacity. “Because love,” He said as he started walking toward the bedroom door, ready for work. “Now that you know I'm hoping you'll be more open to me. You won't have that traitor to go back to.” You said nothing as you curled yourself back into bed under your covers. The sickening part is he sounded so soft and caring, as if telling you that all of your friends were dead would actually bring you closer to him. It was a sad situation, one that you would likely never recover from.

–

 

Griffin woke up that morning as usual, but he was missing something. His mommy usually was the one to wake him up, but this morning he was all alone. He looked around the room to see if his mother was indeed there, putting away clothes or picking up his toys like she sometimes did, but she was absent. “Mom?” He yelled out, it was odd getting out of bed without her there, she had been getting up and getting him ready since before he could even remember.

Maybe she was outside making breakfast and just didn't have time to come get him, Griffin thought to himself. He threw the covers off of him and moved as fast as his little feet could carry him to the living room where he was met with complete emptiness. “Mama?” He called out, confused. “Mommy, where are you?” He asked, running in and out of the kitchen and through the dining room. “Kylo Ren? I'm here!” He was even desperate enough to call out to Kylo for some companionship. After all, Kylo had been fairly nice to him recently. He hadn't given him any reason to be afraid to seek him out.

When he had inspected the entire living and kitchen area he was stumped, surely his mommy wouldn't have left him alone, someone must be here with him! He ran all the way down the hall and knocked on his mommies door as he was told to do by Kylo Ren, but he got no response. “Mom?” He called out, but he heard nothing. Slowly he cracked the door open, looking into the room he had only been into a handful of times. He saw a lump in the blanket on the bed that was much too small to be Kylo Ren, he excitedly ran up to it with a smile on his face.

“Mama! I found you! I found your hiding spot!” Griffin said, he recognized the hair as his mother's and upon seeing she was there safe and sound he relaxed just a bit more. He tapped her back just a bit, still smiling at her. “Mommy, why are you still in bed? It's time to wake up!” He giggled, pulling on the blanket just a bit. The only response he got was just a slight movement under the blanket and a tired moan. “Yeah, Griffin. Mommy will be out in a minute.” She sounded tired, really tired. Griffin could tell she needed to get more sleep. “It's okay mommy, you can go back to sleep.”

“Thank you, baby. I'll be up in a little while.” Griffin smiled at her, patted her on the back and then went back into his room to see if he could sleep some more as well. If mommy still wanted to sleep then obviously it was still time to be sleeping.

Griffin tried his hardest, sitting his bed under his bright red covers and closing his eyes shut tightly, but try as he might he just couldn't fall asleep. He huffed, maybe his mommy was just being silly. It must be almost lunch time by now! He threw his covers to the side and ran out of his bedroom and back into his mommies room, tapping her on the back once more. “Mommy, can I play with my toys?” He asked, feeling kind of bad for disturbing her again.

“Go ahead baby.” She groaned, she still hadn't turned around to look at him. “Thank you.” He said before running back into his room. As he opened his nautical toy chest that Kylo Ren got for him he thought more about his mother and why she sounded so sad. Maybe she was just sick, after all whenever Griffin had gotten sick he had to spend all day in bed and he often sounded just as miserable as his mommy did.

His thoughts ceased, however, when he had just gotten his hand into his toy chest and grabbed one of his action figures to play with. As of recent he had noticed a crack in the corner of his ceiling, and sometimes it made noises. The first time it happened he had asked his mother about it, but strangely enough she couldn't hear it. After a few days of just sitting and listening to it he heard Kylo Ren's voice in his head once again.

_You hear it too son?_

“Yeah.” He said out loud. The noise calmed him, just making a low humming noise most of the time with fluctuations here and there. It was as if the crack was talking to him in his head, but he felt better knowing that Kylo Ren could hear it too. He never told Griffin what it meant, Griffin was curious. He had never encountered anything like it before and he wanted to know what it was saying to him.

_Embrace it. You'll learn soon, don't tell your mother that you hear these things. It will worry her._

“Okay.” Griffin said, simply turning around and reaching for his toys once again. He had grown to trust Kylo by now, whatever he was saying to him in his head he'd believe.

But today the crack was loud, he could have sworn the noises it was making was angry and scary. He stared at it, afraid and clueless, along with the loud noises he felt like he was being watched. He wasn't alone in the room, and the chill that went up his own spine scared him nearly to death. He sprinted out of his room and back into his mommies room, tapping her on the back wildly to try and wake her.

“Mama! The crack in my room is talking again and it's scary!” He shouted, completely disregarding what Kylo Ren had told him earlier that week. He was afraid, and the only person around that could help him was his mother. Kylo Ren was nice, Griffin was sure he wouldn't be upset that he told his mother anyway.

“It's okay, Griffin, just take your toys into the living room.” She mumbled with a sigh.

“But mommy-”

“Do it Griffin, or don't do anything at all! Just sit in the living room and watch TV!” She said sternly, causing Griffin to step back. His mommy didn't often talk to him that way, it broke his heart just a little bit. He pouted, about to cry at his mother's angry tone with him. He was already on edge about the angry crack in his room, and now the only other person in the house that could comfort him was upset with him too.

He ran out of the room and into the living room, crying just a bit. He had to remind himself that his mother was sick, that her irritation with him was not to spite him, but was just a result of her illness. He dried his tears, upset that he even bothered her in the first place. He felt like he should just leave his mother alone for the rest of the day, he didn't want to upset her again while she was sick.

He had noticed that once the two of them came here with Kylo Ren she was always so upset, it had been a long time since he had last seen her smile or laugh. His mommy had always been so happy at home, always making sure he was happy along with his daddy. Here was just so different. Maybe she had been sick since they got here, maybe Kylo Ren was making her sick. He didn't know, but he hoped that he wouldn't get sick too, Griffin hated being sick!

He had gotten a good idea to write his mommy a 'get well soon' card. His mother always loved his artwork that he made in preschool, often hanging it on the walls in her room or on their fridge back at home.

He ran all around his room, the living room, and the kitchen and dining room looking for something to write on. He had found a set of markers on top of the kitchen counter, markers that he had never seen before. They hadn't even been opened, he just assumed that they were meant to be a gift for him, after all adults don't color pictures. His mommy did have a book back at home that she liked to draw in, but she never colored, these markers were obviously meant for him.

He had no luck finding some paper to draw on, he was stumped. He wanted so badly for his mommy to feel better, he felt like he was failing her by not finding some paper for him to draw on. He had to think of something and think of something quick. He looked around frantically, worried that his mother would just suffer through the rest of her illness if he couldn't come up with something, when he spied something that was just as good as paper.

When he was in preschool he could remember a time when Mr. Baldor gave him and all of his classmates paint brushes and asked them to paint a piece of paper that hung on the wall. Over next to the TV there was a blank wall space, almost as long as the space him and his classmates painted on! There was no paper for him to draw on, but that would be okay. He was sure his mother would love having his drawing on the wall in the living room, that way she could look at it every day and it won't ever get lost. With the markers in hand Griffin ran up to the blank wall and ripped the pack of markers open, he was going to make a masterpiece for his mother.

He started out by drawing three stick figures, one with his mother's hair color, one with short black hair, and one smaller figure with long black hair. The smaller one represented him, the two bigger ones represented his parents. He drew himself in between them and holding their hands, then later on added a roof above their heads and a house surrounding them. Under the drawing he put the words “Feel better mommy!” and under that he titled his picture “On D'Qar.” He smiled at his picture, satisfied with how it came out. He was having so much fun drawing he decided to draw another picture: a drawing of Kylo Ren.

He drew Kylo Ren because he was certain that Kylo Ren was the reason why his mommy was so sick and sad all of the time. As he drew out the tall stick figure with long black hair and an angry face, he began to feel less and less about him. He had been so nice to Griffin, but so mean to his mother. He tried to kill her with his light sword and he watched as he tied her to a chair. Kylo was so mean to his mommy, and Griffin hated him for it!

Under the drawing he did of Kylo he put the words “Kylo Ren” and “I hate you!” under it. He didn't understand why Kylo would be so nice to him but would constantly make his mommy sick. He was a bully to his mommy, and he Griffin knew how much she hated bullies.

But then he was stuck, what if his mommy didn't know why Kylo hated him? He had to show her why or else she'd be confused. Griffin drew an arrow starting from his original picture and then started a new one, three stick figures, one of his mother and one of him, but the third was Kylo Ren holding his light sword just like in the second picture he drew. In this picture Kylo Ren was angry just like the last, Griffin was sad, and his mommy was sad, he even used the blue marker to draw some tears on her face since he had seen her cry several times since they had gotten here. He titled this picture “Sad with Kylo Ren.”

But it still didn't explain why Griffin hated Kylo so much. He hated him because he was a bully, he still had one more drawing to do. He drew a picture of Kylo with his mouth open and his light sword above his head, he even added little red lines above his head to show his mother that he was angry. Next to Kylo he drew his mother on the floor, he drew her eyes closed and still added tears to show she was crying, and on one of her knees he drew a red X to show where Kylo had hurt her.

He took a step back and dropped the markers on the floor, finally satisfied with his drawings. He looked at the wall, smiling at the picture of his parents on D'Qar, but as he made his way over he realized his drawings weren't very happy at all. He worried if they would make his mother feel any better, after all that was his goal originally.

As he was looking at his wall art he felt his hair blow slightly to the left, he noticed the room got a bit colder as well. Suddenly there was a presence at his right side, and when he looked over his mood instantly got ten times better.

“Grandma Leia!” He shouted, running up to the woman that was now standing in his living room. He didn't feel the need to question how she got into Kylo Ren's house or why she was there, he just loved his grandma and was happy to see her there. The poor, ignorant child was under the impression that she wasn't his real grandma, that was just a nickname the woman had asked him to call her. Griffin didn't care, grandma Leia was always so kind and loving to him, always invited him over for cookies and often told him she loved him. Since he didn't know who his real grandparents were she was the perfect grandmother figure for him, he loved her so much.

When he ran into her arms he found she was cold, something he just wasn't used to. Regardless, it was someone he recognized from D'Qar, he was excited to see her. “How are you, little one?” His grandmother asked him, fluffing his hair and holding him close to her. “Grandma Leia, are you here to take me back home?” She smiled at him, that's when he noticed she looked much different than he remembered her being. The wrinkles in her face had disappeared, she looked much younger like his mother. Her hair was also different, wrapped up in two tight buns on the side of her head with less grey and more brown. She was wearing a long white dress, so long it touched the ground and pooled around her feet. Even though she looked so drastically different from what he was used to he still recognized her right away.

“No, Griffin, I'm afraid not.” Griffin pulled away from her, looking at her confused and disappointed. “But why?” He asked, holding onto her arms to steady himself. “I've been watching over you, grandson. I just came down to check on you and make sure you're alright. Why don't you tell me what you were drawing here.” Leia said, drawing the boys attention away from his disappointment and to his extremely childlike drawings.

“I drew this for my mommy. See? Here's me, mommy, and daddy at home on D'Qar in the Resistance.” Griffin slid his fingers along the wall to the next drawing. “Then I drew a new one of me, mommy, and Kylo Ren now because I wanted my mommy to know why I hate Kylo Ren. Then here's a picture of Kylo Ren when he hurted mommies knee, and then I drew a picture of just Kylo Ren here. See?” Leia smiled at her grandson's art work, such an innocent mind came up with such anti innocent drawings. She was disappointed in her own son, letting on enough information about what he had done to his wife so that if affected Griffin this much.

“I see, such wonderful artistry Griffin. You'll be an artist just like your mother one day.” Leia looked back at Griffin with a sad smile, the boy knew too much and it broke her heart. “I drew them for my mommy because Kylo Ren makes her sick and she's in bed. Do you want to go see her?”

“No, no, that's alright Griffin. I just came here to talk to you.”

“Can you make my mommy feel better by taking her back home and I'll stay here? Mommy has been sad this entire time.” Griffin's voice became strained and Leia could tell what was coming next. She felt so terrible for her grandson, a child this young shouldn't know this much about abuse and what makes his mother “sick.” On top of it all Griffin was willing to sacrifice his time at home so that his mother would be happy again, he was like an adult in a toddler's body, much too grown for his age.

“Oh, Griffin. Come here grandson.” Leia held her arms out for him again, Griffin accepted her invitation and immediately buried his face into her bossom and began bawling his heart and soul out. “Please Grandma Leia, I want my mommy to be happy again. Take her back home and make her be happy!” If only she could tell Griffin that there was no more home, that nobody on that planet was able to make it out alive after the First Order detonated the bombs and blew everything away. If she could she'd take the both of them away, but she had nowhere to take them to.

Leia held the boy as he trembled uncontrollably in her arms, too sad and worried about his mother to speak any longer. “There there, Griffin. I promise you everything is going to be okay from here on out.” She said as she pulled him away, staring at his tear stained face. She smiled lovingly at her one and only grandson, wiped his tears away and tried to comfort him as best as she could. “Your mommy isn't sick, she doesn't love you any less than she did back at home. She's just having a hard time adjusting to this new life of yours, and so are you. Listen to me closely, I want you to tell her that Grandma Leia forgives her, and that none of this is her fault. Tell her that Grandma Leia is watching over you at all times and will make sure that you're safe. Can you do that for me Griffin?”

Griffin nodded his head and wiped his eyes. “I love you Grandma Leia.” He mumbled, once again going in for another hug. “I love you too, Griffin. Remember, I'll always be looking out for you. You'll never be alone, what is it that your mother tells you all the time?”

“She'll always be right here.” Griffin said, pointing at the center of his chest. “That's right, Griffin. I'll always be right there next to her. If you ever need me all you have to do is call out to me with the Force. Can you do that Griffin?” He nodded his head, feeling the back of his mind tingle just a little bit, like someone was reaching out to him with the Force as well. “Good, Grandma Leia has to go now, remember what I told you, okay?”

“Wait, Grandma Leia! You can't go! You have to take me home with you!” Griffin reached out to her to stop her from leaving, but as soon as he blinked she was gone. Griffin couldn't stop his tears, the poor boy had never felt his heart ache this much before. He felt so hopeless, so alone, like he had failed so many people at one time. He was a mess, a broken mess.

In an instant his sad tears turned into an angry outburst. Out of absolutely nowhere he felt this uncontrollable wave of anger take over his emotions, he had never felt this angry before in his short life. His face was burning as blood rushed into his angry red cheeks, he took to the pictures he had drawn on the wall and began kicking and punching them, screaming as loud as his little lungs would allow. He was seeing red as he punched the wall so hard he injured his hand, covering the drawing of Kylo Ren in his own blood.

The only thing that could stop Griffin's temper tantrum was the sound of his mother's bedroom doors slamming shut. He turned around, and as he did he heard a blood curdling scream coming from the end of the hallway. His mother was afraid, he had to go help her! He sprinted down the hall to her bedroom and could hear some commotion going on behind the door. “Why was my mother in the living room with him? Why the hell weren't you watching him?!” He could tell the voice belonged to Kylo Ren, and he was livid.

“I'm sorry Kylo! I was asleep! I didn't know--”

The sound of his mother's voice was cut off quickly by a sharp sounding slap, followed by another scream from his mother. “Mama!” Griffin whispered to himself, Kylo Ren was making her sick again. Without another thought he forced the door open, what he found was horrifying.

Both Kylo and his mother turned to look at him at the same time. Kylo had a firm grip on the front of his mother's sleeping shirt and was holding her close to his face. Her nose was bleeding and had bled down past her lips and onto her shirt, there was even blood on the bedsheets and on Kylo's hand.

“Griffin!” Kylo shouted, dropping his mother to the ground with a harsh and painful thud. Kylo began stepping toward him with an over the top angry look on his face. “Griffin! Get your ass over here!” He shouted once again. Griffin screamed, turned around and began running back into the living room. This time he couldn't save his mother from the sickness that was Kylo Ren, he had to save himself.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought of this scene driving to work the other day and it actually made me cry just a bit. Hope everyone likes it!  
> Also I forsee this fic ending soon, getting closer and closer to the climax of the story.


	23. Acting on your Word

Everything was moving in slow motion after Kylo had beat you for something you weren't really sure about. First he dropped you to the ground, landed painfully on your tailbone, and then watched as your son and ex husband ran after each other. You sat there powerless, unable to move fast enough as you heard the zipping noise of Kylo's leather belt flying from his pants. You were already slow and sluggish from the fact that Kylo had punched you in the face twice and slapped you once, but as soon as you heard Griffin's pained screams coupled with the heart breaking sounds of the leather making contact with his bare skin, it was as if your bruises and blood has been lifted out of your skin and you were healed.

You stood as fast as you could, scrambling to your feet as the beatings became louder and more frequent, sending you into full panic mode. You ran out into the living room where you found Kylo bent over Griffin's small frame, holding him down to the floor with one hand and _whipping_ him with the belt with the other. Griffin's face was red, he was no longer crying but sitting there just taking the abuse. His mouth hung open in a ghastly O, his eyes rolled into the back of his head as he just sat there. You imagined that while you were lollygagging and not chasing after Kylo Griffin had tried to put up as much of a fight as he could, but he was no match to his much taller and stronger father.

You couldn't believe your eyes, you had to do something!

Without another thought you ran full force at Kylo, like a bull running after a bright red cloth. You jumped onto his back and sunk your teeth into his neck, evidently you had caught him off guard as he didn't even look in your direction until you were leaping onto him. He dropped the belt and released his grip on your son, crying out in agony as he reached both of his hands behind his neck and clawed at you. You refused to loosen your jaws, if Kylo thought it was acceptable to cause a child this much pain then obviously it was acceptable to hurt Kylo in a much smaller way. This was nothing compared to the lashes he had given Griffin.

Eventually he did manage to throw you off, moving his body to the left so quick that you flew to the right. Your teeth unlatched from his neck creating a set of bite marks that bled out all over him. He turned and looked angrily at you, holding the side of his neck as his hands began dripping with his own blood. You clambered to your feet as Kylo let out an animalistic roar, you had never seen him so angry in your life. You turned and looked at Griffin, he was sitting like a rag doll sprawled out on the floor, not moving a single muscle or making any noise.

Your number one goal became to protect you and your son, you took a dive toward your lifeless child just as Kylo swung his arm to tackle you to the ground. You lifted Griffin into your arms, he was completely unresponsive and unreceptive to your actions as well as his surroundings. The space between the two of you and the door seemed to be much too long, you didn't think you would even make it there in time.

Regardless of your fears, you trekked on. It was like you were running in slow motion, behind you Kylo was a fearless predator; running as fast as he could after you in order to consume you in his uncontrollable rage. It was terrifying, you knew if you didn't make it to that door everyone in this household would end up dead. In your arms Griffin sat lifeless, his limbs simply swaying with your body movements. You feared Kylo had taken his anger way over the line this time, injuring Griffin to the point of no return. He had never been hit with anything before in his life, he had responded well to verbal punishment instead of physical, time outs and taking toys away instead of spankings.

But what Kylo did to him reached well over spanking limits. You were certain Kylo was unleashing all of his might, energy, and anger against that boy's bare skin. He didn't deserve it, why couldn't it have been you?

Once you made it to the sensor you slapped it, taking a look back at Kylo who now had his lightsaber drawn. He wasn't moving, he was just standing there looking at you as you began to dash out of the door. “Go on. Get out of my sight! Get out of my house and don't come back!” Kylo said, you took a step back out into the hallways and turned on your heels, ready to run as fast as you could away from Kylo and get your unresponsive son the help he needed it.

As soon as your back was facing the door, however, you found that you weren't alone—not by a long shot.

Outside there were people staring at you, First Order officers and storm troopers alike. It was the middle of the day, of course they would be out and about, going about their daily lives and activities, even those who worked in the residential wing of Star Killer Base. They looked on at you, the faces you could see had shock on full display. As soon as the sounds of Kylo's rage began to trumpet from the other side of the door they all began moving once again, too afraid of the possibility of Kylo leaving his home and then destroying them.

“Wait, someone please take me to the hospital, my baby!” You shrieked, bawling as it just now hit you with clarity about the danger Griffin was currently in. Everyone was still walking away from you, away from the uncontrollable ball of rage that was currently going off on the other side of the door. You had to act quick, these people were running away from your home for a reason.

 

–

Kylo sat in the destroyed remains of his home, alone at last. He was sure he had never had an angrier outburst in his life than when he had come home to find his dead mother had manifested in his living room and was speaking to his son. He had seen the drawings on the wall when he had first come home but his mother hugging his son in the middle of it all is what captured his attention. He was livid, storming to his bedroom to, unfortunately, take his anger out on his wife about why she had allowed his son to color on the walls at first, then finally admitting to her why he was so angry. “Why was my mother in the living room?” As if she could have known or done anything to stop her.

Now here he sat, in front of the drawings Griffin had done on his walls, only now taking the time to observe them with his own two eyes. The pictures of him looking so angry, the picture of him harming his wife, the words “I hate you!” under him, and probably what broke his heart the most was the fact that, in every picture where his wife and him were drawn together, she had a frown and tears. Kylo dropped his head into his hands, the guilt like the weight of a thousand galaxies on his shoulders. His outburst and his extreme punishment toward Griffin only proved that these drawings were true.

He felt hot, shameful tears start to form behind his eyes, eventually spilling their way down his cheeks and onto the floor below him. This was a disease, a disease that was tearing him and his family apart every day. The boy had just started to grow to trust Kylo Ren, and he went and blew it sky high. Y/n had nothing to do with what went on out here, she was simply staying in bed upset over the fact that he had blown the Resistance up that day. Had he not been a cocky asshole and told her what his plans were for the day maybe none of this would have happened.

He wanted nothing more than to right this wrong situation. To apologize and hold his family tight and just love them. But he knew, he just _knew_ his wife would, at this point, stop at nothing to keep Kylo away from her and Griffin. Having beat both her and his son, he understood. It was one of the reasons why she didn't want to come to the Finalizer with him in the first place. Kylo had made her worst fear come to life with his own two hands.

He worried about where they had gone, he screamed at them to get out so they wouldn't see him lose control of himself. Y/n did have free roam, but he still hadn't given her back her tablet to know where she was going. She might be lost, looking for somewhere to go but can find nothing or no one to help her. His hands trembled, he worried for his family right after beating them mercilessly. He had torn his self away from his son's art work for long enough to pull out his tablet, sending out a message to all of his staff to keep a look out for her and to report to him if they see her. Next he put a message out to housekeeping, his quarters would need to be cleaned and free of all signs his rage. He even added a note about his child's artwork needing to be painted over, there was no way he was going to be able to stare at that for the rest of his life. Finally he sent a message out to the First Order's head of supply runs, he needed an emergency meeting with her right away.

 

Regardless on whether or not his wife was upset with him, he still needed to save her life. Telling the Supreme Leader that she was pregnant bought him some more much needed time. Now all that was left to do was make that lie into a reality.

He had been trying for a few days now to get y/n to have sex with him, and none of his advancements had worked. He only had a limited amount of time to produce another child with her before Snoke would grow suspicious, and if he grew suspicious it would only mean her death would come quicker. He knew she would object immediately if he spoke about his plans to her, there was no question in his mind that she would likely try to jump out of the window again to stay far away from him. Truthfully Kylo didn't want to bring more children into this world either, he would quickly fall in love with them and then end up hurting them just as he did with Griffin. It was like an endless cycle of despair, but if a child would save y/n's life then a child she would get.

The right thing to do in Kylo's mind was to force himself upon her again, but the logical side of him refused to do so. She was already upset with him and he had already beaten her twice since he reconnected with her after Griffin's birth. Raping the girl would only dig him a deeper grave. He had been racking his brain trying to figure out how to woo the girl into bed with him, she was stuck on the idea she'd be able to go home to that man and just wanted nothing to do with Kylo. The thought made him angry, all of that love and attention belonged to him! He hoped that he could put this baby thing off until she had fully gotten over the man and fell in love with Kylo once more, but with Snoke breathing down his neck he knew that would not be a possibility.

So he turned to the help of an Enchantress. He spent all afternoon the day Griffin drew on the wall looking up enchantresses and enchanters that could help him. He thought surely there must be some sort of drug or spell that could be cast upon her to make her want to have sex with him. He didn't want something that would put her to sleep or just completely put her out of her own mind, because then the sex wouldn't be consensual. There must be a lust drug out there, something that would cause her to throw herself at him and want sex from him-- it was her only hope to live at this point.

He managed to find a woman who had been casting spells for centuries, on her website she listed a serum known only as Camilla Starr. The story behind it is it was produced and used on a woman, known as Ms. Starr, and it made her wild for sex. The Enchantress listed the serum as fool proof, that she'd give you your credits back if it didn't work. Kylo wanted to give it a try, so he sent his supply team out to get a vile. It was expensive, he did not want to be let down so he gave his team a note to pass on with it:

“We have orders from Commander Kylo Ren that states if any arm comes to his wife, his child, or him from this vile then we will come burn you and your store to the ground. We will kill you and all of your relatives in the most vile way possible.”

With that, his team was off to retrieve the serum and he was left to pick up the broken pieces of his family.

 

–

Someone had been kind enough to lead you to the Star Killer medbay after everyone had scattered away from Ren. As soon as you got in you burst into tears, once again begging someone to help Griffin who was still sitting completely unresponsive in your arms. There were nurses that had turned around and looked at you as soon as you opened your mouth. As they hesitated you figured it was because they recognized you for who you were, Kylo Ren's wife. You weren't sure if the bloody nose and badly beat up child gave it away or if it was just your looks, you thought they were afraid of what would happen should they touch you or Griffin.

“Please, my son! He's unconscious! You have to help him!” You had run up to one of the nurses who held a coffee in her hand, she seemed to be coming on shift or coming back from a break. “Kylo, he, he hit him! He hit him with a belt and now he won't wake up!” You were uncontrollable, placing Griffin in her arms forcefully because you didn't know what else to do at the moment. She looked down at him, cradling him into a more comfortable position, then immediately set the rescue effort into motion. She turned away and rushed him into one of the rooms, everyone else began moving too, pushing past you to get into the room where Griffin had disappeared.

You had begun to follow them, feeling quite numb at the fact that everyone was rushing to save your son's life. You hadn't realized how serious his injuries were until now. Someone tapped you on the back, it was another nurse. “Ma'm, you're injured as well. Follow me so we can treat you.” You ignored her, wanting to be there for your son when he came to instead. The nurse's reaction was to grasp you by the arm and pull you back. “Get off me!” You said as you fought your way forward. Suddenly there were more people surrounding you, putting their hands on you and pulling you away from your child's room. You were kicking and screaming, the taste of your blood re-entering your mouth as your nose began bleeding once again.

“Mrs. Ren we just want to check you out, we want to make sure you are unharmed.” You realized that the nurses and doctors had recognized the harm that being beaten posed to you. Every other time Kylo had beaten you he refused to get you medical attention. You were just used to wearing your scars and bruises until they healed, now you had a team of medical professionals to help and evaluate you. As badly as you didn't want to leave Griffin you understood the concern. Maybe, for once, you would have your damage assessed. If anything it would be something you could throw back in Kylo's face when he tried to confront you later.

 

“No, please! You have to check him again!” After you were checked over and diagnosed with nothing more than a bloody nose and a bruised eye they allowed you to go check on Griffin. The sight reminded you a lot of his birthday. He sat unconscious on the medical cot with oxygen being pumped into his nose as well as IV fluids going into his arm. He also had a device strapped to his wrist that read his vital signs as well as a bandage wrapped around his knuckles, he looked like the little red preemie baby boy you met almost five years ago.

“Mrs. Ren, really, there's nothing more we can do for him. He's just unconscious due to the trauma he endured. I can assure you when he wakes up he'll be just fine.” The doctor retorted, checking over Griffin's chart once again. He had shown you the welts as well as broken blood vessels under his skin that had formed on his backside as well as his thighs and lower back, Kylo really let loose on your poor, innocent son. The sight brought you to your knees in tears, how could you have let this happen to Griffin?

“Please, will you just examine him one more time? I, I just want to be sure he's 100 percent okay.” The reason why you were begging the doctor to examine Griffin one more time was because you realized, after he was discharged from the hospital, you'd have nowhere else to go. Kylo had told you himself that he didn't want to see you, he wanted the two of you out of his house.

The doctor very firmly assured you there was nothing he could do for Griffin and began walking out of the room stating he had other patients he needed to see instead. “Wait!” You shouted after him, hoping the loudness of your voice would wake Griffin up. He turned around, clearly irritated with you and your defiance. You looked around, wanting desperately to tell him your woes. The problem was none of these people would understand your pain, they didn't have to live with Kylo when he became enraged like this.

“My chest. My chest is hurting.” You straightened out just a bit and placed your left hand over your chest. “Ow, god! My heart! I may be having a heart attack.” You said, contorting your face in fake pain. The doctor looked at you, chucking just a bit. You could tell he didn't buy your facade, if there was one thing you weren't, it was a good actor. “Wrong side, Mrs. Ren.” He said, snarkily. You didn't quite catch what he had said at first, then finally understood that if you were to be faking a heart attack you should have been putting your right hand over the left side of your chest.

You dropped your hand and then looked sadly to the ground, having exhausted all of your options you did what you could, and that was to sulk sadly. “Mrs. Ren, why don't you go take a walk around the base, clear your head just a bit from all of this mess? It doesn't look like your son will be waking up anytime soon and it looks like you could use a break.” You looked back up to him, trying not to cry at his sudden caring attitude toward you. “I don't know my way around. I just got back.”

“Look, if you leave the medbay and take a right and go right straight down the hall you'll come to the entrance of the building. See if you can find a jacket or something up there and take a walk. It'll do you some good, okay? If anything pertaining your son changes we'll send someone to come and get you, alright?” You sighed, he did have a point. His directions were clear enough, take a right and just go straight. It wouldn't be so bad to clear your head and get some fresh air. After all, Kylo gave you free roam. You nodded your head, took one more look back at Griffin, then decided to go out on your adventure.

What Kylo meant by “free roam” was really he had widened your prison gates. You had found the main lobby of Star Kill base easily, and when you had seen the wide entrance doors right in front of you, you nearly booked it on outa there. You didn't even bother looking for a jacket to wear over your sleeping clothes, you were just ready to leave and get some fresh air in your lungs, you didn't care a lick about the cold snow.

You had made it within two feet of the door when two storm troopers stepped out in front of you. “Halt.” Both of them stated. You stumbled back, holding your hands out in front of you as if they were attacking you. “The Commander has given us strict instructions to not let you leave the base.” You furrowed your brows, not believing what you were hearing. “But, he gave me free roam! I can go outside if I want to!”

“No, you can't. We're not getting yelled at because of your defiance, Lady Ren.” You cocked your brow, liking the title “Lady Ren” quite a lot, but was still upset that they weren't letting you out. It wasn't a fight worth fighting, you simply backed down, stepping back until you were walking sadly back to the medbay.

On your way back you had noticed something down a hall that was quite strange. On your way up to the front you had walked so fast you had missed a certain bridge that sat in a clear tunnel, giving you a gorgeous view of the galaxy. You didn't understand, at the moment you were on Star Killer, you can't see the galaxy from the building portion of the planet. You took a few steps closer and realized what the “galaxy” actually was.

Just like the little contraption Kylo had shown off to you on your honeymoon, the one that projected the stars and planets above your bed, this was nearly the same thing. It was a vast map view of a part of the galaxy, stars were twinkling, planets were rotating, and ships were flying by. Each planet was labeled as was each ship flying by, it was amazingly beautiful. You walked into the tunnel and took a good look around the walls and ceiling, it was basically a large screen that updated the positions of things in the galaxy in real time. You were just close enough to one of the planets to touch it with your fingers, was it a good idea? What if you touched it and the glass shattered, or the entire thing went black while all these people were walking past you?

It was risky, but the planet was rendered in HD, you could see all the peaks and valleys and bodies of water so clearly. You just couldn't help yourself. Slowly you reached out to the screen, tapping on the small blue and brown planet with just the ridges of your fingerprints. You blinked as a blue ring formed outside of the planet, called Tonus 2, stretching as it revealed some information about it. It was a Resistance run planet rich with steel, it had three First Order spies planted on its grounds and was currently run by a dictator named Jarbala.

Whatever this was, it was amazing. This Planetarium was somewhere you knew you'd have to take Griffin one day, he'd just have a blast looking at all the stars. You took another look around, wondering if D'Qar was still on this map somewhere. Maybe it had been erased, maybe Kylo had been cruel enough to to keep the planet there but have small bits of earth represent the explosion. You sighed, you finally had something to enjoy here on Star Killer base and it was instantly ruined for you.

 

–

Kylo had gotten word that, five hours after his wife and son left the house, she had been to the medbay, tried to run out the front door, and was now staring that the Star Killer tubal planetarium. He figured she'd be mezmerized if she found herself inside of that tunnel, it wasn't put there for any real reason other than to liven up the base and keep every member that walked through it informed about the galaxy around them. Kylo had a much more detailed one in his office and on his datapad, he hardly ever stopped to admire the sights in the tunnel.

In that same five hours his fleet had acquired the Camilla Starr serum and delivered it to his quarters to him. It was a small vile, no bigger than a standard salt shaker. The liquid inside was thick like syrup, it was grey and bubbly, like a lubricant would be. It hardly seemed like sex in a bottle, he expected it to be pink and more liquid like. He shook his head, pocketing the bottle and heading out the door to find his wife. The sooner he used this serum on her, the better.

 

She was sitting on the floor, staring at the screen as the ships flew on by her. She was so captivated, looking on at the galaxy so intently. He wished he could have stared at her forever and ever. At the moment she wasn't crying, she wasn't looking afraid, wasn't fighting him. This was the woman he fell in love with, this was his wife.

He was prepared for her to run away once he made his presence known, so he decided to sneak up behind her as best as he could. He placed his hand on her shoulder and she turned to look at him, her black eye and bruised face a gruesome reminder of what happened earlier that day. In an instant a look of horror was strewn across her face, she immediately started to stand, ready to book it down the tunnel and out of Kylo's reach.

“No, stay away from me you abusive monster!” Kylo sighed as he started to take the steps toward her, trying to push her spiteful words to the back of his mind. He had to remind himself that he was doing this for her, not himself. He only wanted to save her life, to right his wrong after what he did to them today.

“Get back! You put your son into a coma! Stay away from me!” She was backing out of the tunnel, he couldn't let her get away. Using the Force he closed the entrance, locking some storm troopers out. At the sound of the doors closing she turned her head. When she turned back to Kylo she looked terrified. He watched her as she ran past him, trying to run through the other side of the tunnel but had no luck, Kylo had closed that side with the Force as well. She stood completely still in front of the now closed entrance. As she turned she began to tremble, showcasing an extremely hurt expression on her face.

“Okay, Kylo. You win. What now?” Her eyes were glassy with tears as she stepped toward him. “You've got me here all alone, are you going to hit me some more?” Kylo crossed his arms in front of him as he began closing the gap between them. “Gonna rape me for the first time since I've gotten here? You just put Griffin in medbay, you must feel like you deserve it you prick.” Even though what she was saying should have been hurtful to him, he admired her newfound strength, she had a fiery red spirit now with just a hint of sass, something that probably would not have done her very well at the beginning of her stay with Kylo.

“Well, hurry up! Do what you have to do to me so I can go back and be with-”

Kylo pounced on her, pushing his mouth against hers in a desperate attempt to convey his feelings in a way his words couldn't. She fought against him, pounding on his chest with her fists and pushing against him. She opened her mouth and screamed wildly, the sound echoing off of the digital walls and hurting Kylo's ears. It was obvious she would not make this night easy for him, but he had to try—her life depended on it.

He wrapped his arms around her tighter, abandoning the kiss as it was obvious it wasn't what she wanted. “I'm sorry.” He said against her hair, barely coming out above a whisper. The only thing he could do was say “I'm sorry” over and over and hope by some miracle she'd forgive him. He had his doubts, but it was the least he could do.

“I lost control, y/n. I'm sorry. I wish I could make it up to you, I really do. But I harmed my own child and I'll never forgive myself. I now know how you feel.” Even Kylo had tears welling up in his eyes along with his wife. His stomach churned as he realized he must really be a monster to be able to harm his own child so badly, what other person out there could take a belt to their child's behind so hard they pass out from the pain?

In his arms y/n had stopped fighting him, opting instead to break down into tears once again and stand completely still. “I was wrong, y/n. I know you know that. It had nothing to do with you or with Griffin, I over reacted as you know I do. I know you want to take Griffin as far away from me as you possibly can, but I need you now more than I ever did.” Kylo was speaking directly from his heart. He knew first hand how powerful y/n had been in his healing and in his ability to control his anger. All these years without her had reversed all of her hard work.

“I need you to teach me how to be a parent. Y/n, you've been doing this for four years and I've only spent so much time with him. I don't know how to be a father.” It was a sudden realization that Kylo had during this entire conversation. If he had failed and Snoke killed her he wouldn't know what to do. He didn't know the slightest thing about parenting a toddler, he didn't know what to feed Griffin, what clothing size to buy him, how to keep him healthy, or how to keep him smart and sharp. He needed his wife to teach him these things, even if she were to stay alive he needed to sharpen his parenting skills.

“Please love, let's go back home and have some wine and a serious discussion. I need us to be on the same page from here on out. You don't have to forgive me, I'm sure you won't and I don't blame you. We need to operate as a team, as Griffin's parents.” Kylo leaned her out of his arms, looking at her tired and broken face. He passed his gloved thumb over the bruise on her eye, she winced as he did. He would need to think of some way to vow never to lay a finger on her. The more he hurt her and Griffin the more he pushed them away. It had to end and it had to end right here.

She looked down at his chest as she whispered to him: “You're not going to give me a choice.” The phrase was so depressing, but it was depressingly true. Y/n really didn't have much of a choice. He wasn't going to let her go and he surely wasn't going to let her sleep anywhere else other than next to him. So her choices came down to either work with Kylo to come up with a solution or live in complete agony and fear. Kylo said nothing, just held his hand out to her and waited for her to make her choice. He felt the bottle tumble around in his pocket, either way the day would end with both of them in his bed, he'd find some way to have her ingest the serum somehow.

She made her choice, placing her hand in his confidently. He squeezed it reassuringly, silently telling her she had made the right decision.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this chapter is so long and so pointless. I don't know why. -sigh-  
> Anyway, I'm gonna be taking Christmas Eve, Christmas day, and the day after off. Enjoy the chapter, merry Christmas dear readers!


	24. Fix What You've Broken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is mostly smut. Hope you dont mind lmfao.

The two of them sat at the small dinner table having a stare off. Kylo was ready to get on with the conversation about what he needed to know about how to be a better parent, how to look at the things Griffin did that would irritate him and how to manage his anger. By now, the drawings Griffin had done on Kylo's walls were covered, but the gruesome reminder of how Kylo reacted still sat right next to him: The empty chair that his son once sat in to eat meals with his family. His son had still not woken up, he worried endlessly about him and his status. Y/n had told him that Griffin had just passed out, that he was otherwise healthy other than the fact that Kylo scared him half to death. I didn't matter the kind of injuries the boy was suffering with, had Kylo stopped at just one lash he'd still feel just as guilty for harming his son.

As badly as he was ready to start the conversation with his wife, he also couldn't wait for her to take a swing of the wine he had prepared. As y/n took herself to the bathroom he coated the inside of her glass with the serum. It was almost invisible, definitely not something she'd notice in the fairly dim room. When Kylo heard her coming back out he quickly pocketed the serum, not wanting her to catch on to his master plan. The quicker he got her into his bed the better, they could always continue this conversation at a later date.

Once she had sat down he poured the wine, being careful to remember that her tainted glass was on the right. He wondered about the dosage, his men hadn't given him any instructions to go along with it so he had just assumed his original dosage. But then he worried that maybe it wouldn't be enough, that this entire evening would be wasted on just a simple conversation or that she'd not get horny enough and she'd suspect he poisoned her. He took another look over at her, his beautiful wife that was to die in less than ten days. Taking another look back down into her purple glass he decided that it was better to be safe than to be sorry when Snoke asked about the woman's pregnancy. He unscrewed the cap once more and dumped the entire bottle of serum into her glass, swished it around to stir it in, then grabbed his glass and ushered back to the table.

He sat the glass down in front of her and then took his seat across from her, taking in her less than thrilled look to being as close to him as she was. She eyed the wine suspiciously, he prayed to the maker that she wouldn't ask him to have a sip as she had done in the past. Kylo being ready to fuck her where she stood would do him no good if she wouldn't be willing to let him have her. She looked back up at him, he couldn't read her face but he counted the fact that she wasn't asking him about her wine as a victory and permission to start the conversation.

“Where do we begin?” He said, placing his wine back on the table. Her eyebrows shot up as her hands flew into her lap. “What do you mean by that? You're the one who wants this stupid conversation, not me.” Kylo gripped his glass, biting the inside of his cheek as to stifle the anger and annoyance her comment brewed inside of him.

“Okay, I guess--”

“Why don't you tell me you're sorry and mean it for once in your life? Why don't you go see your unresponsive son as he suffers alone in the medbay and apologize to him?” She cut in just as he began speaking. “You can say you're sorry one million times about hurting me and then turn around and do the same thing the next day. Your words mean nothing, empty and lifeless just like what you did to Griffin. Kylo, you're so pathetic.” She shook her head as she looked down at her wine, and as she did Kylo's anger slowly faded into content. “Go on y/n. I've made you mad, let it out. Let your anger out.” He said trying to suppress his proud grin. He realized he had always kept his emotion in, causing him to eventually blow his top and destroy everything that he loved, including his wife and child. He could tell by his wife's new personality traits that she was beginning to house more and more anger, he didn't want her to end up like him, so he encouraged her to let her emotions loose, it was good for her even if he didn't like what she had to say.

“You monster. Say what you have to say so I can go back and be with my son.” Kylo blinked, then looked on happily as y/n had finally picked up her glass and took a swing. She looked angry, close to tears as she closed her eyes and downed an ounce or so of Merlot, what Kylo had remembered her favorite wine being. Once the glass made it back to the table it sloshed around, Kylo was hoping she wouldn't notice that there were no wine drops sticking to the glass where there used to be wine, an indication that the coating of serum was still there.

“How do you parent him, y/n? How do you do such an amazing job being his mother?” Kylo said, staring at her and silently pleading with her for an answer.” She shrugged her shoulders, refusing to look him in the eye. “For one, I don't hit him. I've never hit him, and neither has Finn. Griffin responded well to other punishments, we took his favorite things from him and made him sit in Time-Out, it all worked just fine and he'd learn his lesson. You don't need to inflict pain on him to punish him.” Kylo nodded his head as she took another small sip of wine, his plan was working great. “Secondly, parenting isn't something that can be taught, Kylo. It's something you learn on your own. You learn your own parenting styles as you go along. It's like learning a whole new language, it's best to learn through immersion.”

“So in order for me to learn how to be a better parent, you have to let me spend time with him.” Kylo said, internalizing his smile. He knew it was something his wife absolutely did not want, but he also knew she knew it was the best option for their family since they were to live with Kylo for the rest of their lives. She took another long sip of her wine, then nodded her head.

“I can't trust you, Kylo. Not after today.”

“I understand, y/n. But that's why we're having this conversation. I need to build up your trust and Griffin's trust again. What's the best way to do that?” She shook her head again, annoyed with him and the conversation. “What can I give to him that will make him trust me, y/n?” She took yet another swing, Kylo wondered why the drug hadn't started working yet, the glass was now half empty.

“That's the thing Kylo, you're spoiling him too much.” She said, placing her fingers on her temples. “Griffin doesn't need more gifts. He needs to know that he's loved, especially if you want him to come to know you as his father.” Kylo was confused, he didn't understand what was wrong with giving Griffin gifts to show his love to him. “Okay, y/n, how do I do that?”

“You, you gotta spend time with him like I said before. You gotta do things with him, gotta-” Another sip. “-gotta tell him you love him, you can't just shower him with gifts.”

“What kinds of things should I do with him, y/n you must be more specific.” She shook her head. “I don't know, Kylo. A lot of the things he likes to do are back at home. He's bored here, he needs things to do.”

“Well, what kinds of activities do you usually do with him?” She shrugged again, looking down into her wine glass. “I don't know, Kylo. I read to him, I play blocks with him, I take him to the playground. All of which are not here on Star Killer Base.” Kylo's eyebrows shot up, that was a new word he had never heard before. “What is a playground?” He asked. Once again, y/n shook her head in annoyance. “How do you not know what a playground is?” Kylo was silent, noticing some red that began to show in her cheeks, she was either beginning to become drunk or the drug was finally going into effect.

“A playground. It's a place children go to play. There's swings, slides, and most of the time a jungle--” Her mouth closed in a second, she jerked forward as her hands flew to her lap and a pained, unsure expression appeared on her face. She was looking down at the table, eyes wide open and her slip stuck between her teeth. Kylo smiled as he now knew the drug was working. What Kylo didn't know was the enchantress had delivered dosage instructions with the serum, they were tucked within the box that Kylo had thrown away. A person of his wife's height would only need 4-6 drops of the serum to make her horny enough for Kylo's needs, he had given her the whole bottle.

“Love? What's the problem?” He asked, feigning innocence. She responded by lurching forward once more, crying out in an orgasmic moan. Her eyes opened, she looked up at him with a strand of drool seeping from her mouth. He watched as her eyes darted down to his cock and then back to his face; she was in pain, sexually frustrated beyond belief. “I have to go to the bathroom.” She mumbled, pushing herself from the table and standing up completely bent over. Kylo watched as she turned away from him and gripped her crotch, suppressing another moan. She began to hobble toward the new bathroom, Kylo got up to follow her. Now was his chance, he had to relieve her.

He caught up to her quickly, grasping her by her arms and pushing her against the wall. “Y/n, you look like you're having a bad time.” He said taking a hold of the waistband of her sleeping shorts. “Let me help you.” He said, a devilish grin forming over his lips. She looked up at him, then back down at his cock. “No-oh!” She slid down the wall as another orgasm like wave took over her body, she was now squatting, her head rested against the wall—She looked utterly defeated. He didn't expect the serum to work this well, even though she told him no her body was currently begging for sex.

“Y/n, don't be hardheaded, you're desperate for me and my cock, I can tell.” He looked down in between her legs and discovered that the serum was maybe working a little too well. Her striped rainbow sleeping shorts were short enough that her thighs were showing when she squatted, he could see some of her wet arousal beginning to seep down her thigh. He took a hold of her arm and hoisted her back up on her feet, she was shaking and could barely stand. Once again he grasped her shorts and pulled them as well as her underwear down her trembling legs to her ankles, she was bare for him and his nostrils were filled with the powerful and deeply intoxicating smell of her sex.

He leaned into her, nuzzling into her neck and sucking her skin into his mouth and biting her at the same time. His hand went to her cunt, seeking out her clit. She was soaked for him, he had never felt his wife get this wet before. “Y/n, please let me do this. Let me put you out of your misery.” As his fingers worked over her cunt she began to sweat, now unable to keep her moans of pleasure concealed. “You're aching for it, love. Let me help you.” Kylo's other than went right to his own crotch as he unzipped his pants and fished out his hardening member. Seeing his wife in so much sexual distress made him harder than he expected as well.

Kylo pulled back as he held himself in his hand, looking y/n in her eyes knowing she had a need that he could take care of. Once her eyes opened they locked with his, and he knew when she shook her head once, she did so begrudgingly.

Kylo had decided that neither she nor he could wait for him to carry her to the bedroom, instead he chose to grasp her hips, lift one leg up over his elbow, and penetrate her that way. She yelped as soon as the head of his cock made contact with her cunt, and when he pushed in she let out an animalistic moan; Kylo would have sworn he had never fucked her before. She was so wet he met no resistance in pushing himself as far as he could go. Their hips touched as Kylo just simply stood there, he had been waiting for this for years. And now that she was so doped up on this serum it was unlike anything Kylo had ever felt in her or any other woman he had. Her walls were pulsating, squeezing him every few seconds, she was so warm and so wet, so receptive to his cock. This was a new experience for both of them, and he couldn't have been happier experiencing it with his wife.

“Go, asshole! Please!” Y/n banged her weak fists on his chest, in tears as he begged Kylo to start fucking her. Kylo never thought he'd see the day where his wife would be begging him to fuck her, she was just a modest young lady, he didn't think he'd hear her ask for sex at all. He obliged her, gliding in and out of her easily and creating lots of wonderfully wet, sloppy noises that filled the air around them. Of course, he couldn't hear them very well over y/n's moans and cries of ecstasy, but he didn't care. He was making just as many noises as she was.

“Kylo...” She moaned, causing Kylo's cock to twitch viciously. He felt like he was close, seconds away from reaching his own orgasm each time his wife said his name. “Kylo, deeper! Please I need more!” Kylo shook his head, laughing just a bit at his wife's desperate pleas. He was already as deep as he could go, he could do no more for her. “Can't do that, love. I'm sorry.” He said, but right as soon as the words left his parted lips he got an idea. “Hang on to my neck.” He rasped, y/n was quick to follow his orders as she nearly smacked him in the face while doing so. As soon as she locked herself onto him he got a firmer grip on her waist and hoisted her up so that both of her knees were sticking out behind his elbows and he was supporting all of her weight by holding her ass.

From there Kylo gave her all that he had, pushing himself in far enough to reach her cervix several times, going so fast even he nearly got dizzy and toppled over, and fucking her so hard he knew the both of them would feel it in the morning. Her back smacked against the wall with every thrust, she threw her head back and cried out Kylo's name one last time before wrapping her arms and legs impossibly tight around Kylo and having the loudest, most powerful orgasm Kylo had ever seen manifest from his wife. The sight was too much to bear, with her own orgasm his wife pushed him over the edge and soon he was cumming deep inside of her, pinning her to the wall with his hips and clutching her cheeks hard in both of his hands. He couldn't keep quiet either, shouting out in ecstasy as his cock twitched in her wetness. Should anyone have walked past that wall in the hallway outside of his quarters they would have gotten quite the earful.

Kylo was worn out, as badly as he wanted to stay inside of her he couldn't stand to support all of her weight in his arms any longer. Slowly and carefully he dropped her to the floor, being sure to support her until she could stand on her own two legs. They both looked down at her thighs in time to see Kylo's seed making its way down, he looked back up and could see his wife's face reddening, whether it was embarrassment, shame, or if it was just her post orgasm face, Kylo didn't know. He did know that he was hot and sweaty and that his wife would likely be upset with him. He didn't want to be around when she broke down crying, he'd feel too guilty for making her cry. She instead he went to the bathroom to run some cool water over his face and to strip out of his sweaty clothes, tucking himself back into his pants as he did.

“Wait, Kylo!” His wife called out to him as he was making his way to his bedroom. He turned around to see y/n doubled over once again, her hands flying in between her legs and another pained expression on her face. “I need...need more!” Kylo watched as she attacked her clit, her entire hand moved quick as her eyes shut and she moaned once more. Still bent over with her ass touching the wall she was getting herself off no more than three minutes after he had made her cum. She must have been sore, overstimulated to the point of being in pain. Kylo simply watched her, there was nothing he could do has his cock had already started going flaccid. That drug was powerful, making his wife greedy for sex.

It took all of five minutes for y/n to cum again, leaving a soaking wet spot on the white wall after she stood up straight. Her eyes were crossed looking to the ceiling, she was heaving and gasping for breath, Kylo walked over to her as she began sliding down the wall, worried that she was broken or had harmed herself somehow. “Y/n! Slow down!” He said as he picked her up and stood her on her feet again. “Calm down and relax, love.” She gripped his forearms to steady herself, but soon that pained expression reared its ugly head again. Her libido was uncontrollable, just like the story Kylo read about the woman the serum was named after his wife was crazed for sex. Kylo was worried she'd be stuck like this for the rest of her life, it would be a painful and cruel way to live, he would not be able to satisfy her urges.

“Kylo, I need _more_!” She shouted, once again the tears ran down her face as she collapsed in his arms, her hand desperately seeking out her cunt once again. She was grimacing, Kylo could see the look of agony on her face and he immediately felt the regret building in his chest. Y/n didn't ask for this, y/n didn't even know what was going on or that her life was in danger. But here she was, desperately trying to bring herself to orgasm for the third time in a row and Kylo could do nothing about it.

“Y/n, please stop. You're going to hurt yourself.” He said as he took her arms and pinned them above her head. She groaned, gyrating her hips against Kylo's in a frantic attempt to create some type of friction against her aching cunt. Using the force he pinned her hips to the wall and stepped away, once again firmly telling her to stop. She responded by sobbing, twitching and violently trying to break free of her force hold. She was stronger, usually unable to break out of Kylo's invisible binds but this time she was able to stretch them to their limits, jumping off of the wall every few seconds to try and get to Kylo's cock.

“Please Kylo, I need it! It hurts, I need it!” She pleaded with him, shaking in pain and breaking Kylo's heart with every sob. He felt powerless as his wife suffered there in front of him, he was sure she was feeling like she was being tortured even worse than the way he tortured her on her first day back. He had to do something for her, he couldn't stand to see her hurting.

He released the Force holds he had on her and carried her to the bed, dropping her onto the mattress while he shed his clothing as quick as he could. As soon as her hands were freed she moved them to her cunt, Kylo had to stop her several times. He thought he might have had one more in him, one more good fucking that would be nice and long, just what y/n would need. Once he was fully dressed and ready to go he dove in, sinking into his wife as deep as he could go and relieving her of her pent up stress and need.

Y/n couldn't stop moaning and grabbing at his bare skin, digging her fingernails into his back so hard she drew blood. Kylo's back was stinging as he worked up a sweat again, giving his wife exactly what she needed in that moment. She was crying out for him to go faster, to fuck her harder but he just couldn't keep up. He was sore from fucking her once already in the past ten minutes, he was tired and sweaty and full of regret. But his love for his wife and need for her safety won his battle, he was responsible for this terrible predicament and he would have to fix it.

Kylo was so focused on making his wife cum once again that he didn't hear several knocks at his front door, didn't hear the door opened five minutes into their second round of sex and didn't hear the officer's footsteps coming down the hallway. The only thing he heard was the door to his bedroom creak open, just as y/n had reached her climax and was once again cumming all over his cock. She was screaming as he turned around, just about to cum himself but his orgasm quickly disappeared once he saw the officer standing in his bedroom just watching them with an embarrassingly red face. Kylo was thankful he had taken the time to throw their sheets over them, or else the first thing he would have seen was Kylo's bare ass in the air as he fucked his wife.

“What is it? My quarters are not to be accessed without my permission!” Kylo yelled, he was thanking the stars that his wife's uncontrollable need for sex had apparently ended. She looked at the unknown man that stood in their bedroom then back up at Kylo. They were both breathless, hot, and he was sure the entire room had reeked of sex.

The officer gulped as he looked down at the floor, removing his hat and holding it at his waist. “Forgive me, Lord and Lady Ren.” He said clearing his throat and shifting on his feet uncomfortably. “We have been trying to contact you on your, um, datapads, but we got no reply.” Kylo's heartbeat began to quicken as he sat up straighter on his wife, listening to what the man had to say. “You are needed in medbay in regards to your child, Griffin Solo.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good job ODing your wife on a sex drug Kylo. Hope you get the results you were looking for.


	25. Father

Kylo was saying things to you as the two of you were dressing like maniacs. You hardly heard a word he said, maybe an “I'm sorry” and a “are you okay?” here and there, but it was nothing more important than being there for your son. As soon as the Officer that had walked in on the two of you left you jumped out from under him and ran frantically to the closet, Kylo not too far behind you.

You walked quicker than he did to the medbay, he was calling out your name behind you over and over trying to tell you to slow down. You refused, you didn't know what had happened to your earlier and what caused you to want to fuck him do desperately, but you had no doubt in your mind that it had something to do with Kylo. Kylo set you up some how, he must have put something in that glass of wine. So while he was shouting at you to please slow down, to talk to him and to consider what you'd see when you walked into Griffin's hospital room, you ignored him every step of the way.

You broke through the doors of the medbay, pushing past anyone and everyone that got in your way. You wouldn't let anyone stop you from seeing your son after going this long without seeing him. You could hear people calling out behind you kind of like Kylo had done: “Ma'm, please slow down! Your son isn't ready—Lady Ren! Stop please” Is what most of them had to say. But when they saw Kylo following close behind you, you noticed most of their voices were cut off.

As you got closer and closer to Griffin's room you heard him crying, just like the day Kylo was in medbay nurses were running out of the room with terrified looks on their faces. One nurse that you passed placed one of her hands on your shoulder and pushed to toward the room. Kylo had finally caught up to you just as you entered the room, the two of you were in total shock as to what was going on in front of you.

Your small, defenseless son was sitting straight up on his medical cot. His hands were held out to his sides and he looked downright terrified. What was, perhaps, most alarming to you was the cloud of items whizzing around in chaos around him. Lots of things: napkins, bowls, hospital clothing, food, bottles, pills. Then there were dangerous things flying close to your baby: Knives, scalpals, needles, viles of blood. They were moving in all sorts of directions, over his head and under his arms, knocking other things in the room over and causing them to join the other objects that Griffin was propelling around him with the Force.

Griffin looked up at you, and when he locked eyes with you you truly saw the fear that plagued your son. “Mama!” He shouted, throwing his arms forward. As he did everything that he was holding with the Force flew toward you. You gasped, quickly turned on your heals and began to make your way out of the room. You loved Griffin with all your heart and wanted to go comfort him, but he was unstable, he didn't understand that what he was doing was a threat to you.

You heard everything stop moving after half a second of ducking, Griffin stopped crying as well. Slowly, you stood up straight once more, the sight in front of you spoke volumes. Instead of Griffin looking at you he was looking at Kylo in absolute awe. Kylo was calm, holding his hand up in front of him as he held all of the objects Griffin had mistakenly thrown at the two of you with the Force. Kylo stared back, and you knew in that moment they understood each other in a way you could not.

The Force. Kylo possessed it and passed it down to his son. Griffin had no one to teach him about the Force back on the base, no one knew he even had the Force until the two of you went to visit Kylo. It was the thing that connected Griffin to his actual father, and no matter how hard you tried to keep them away from each other you knew there would be no way to truly keep them a part.

“Son, I'm not mad at you. Your mother isn't mad at you.” Kylo said as he dropped his hand and walked around the mess that hung in the air and up to Griffin. Griffin stood still, staring on at Kylo. You wondered why he wasn't breaking down in tears, didn't Griffin remember that Kylo was the one who beat him with the belt?

“The Force, you used it just now. You are strong in the Force, just like me. You just have trouble controlling it.” Kylo and Griffin looked up at the mess, Kylo's face demonstrated understanding in Griffin's fear. “You need a teacher, son. Someone to show you how to control the Force, how to manipulate it to do what you want it to do.” With a wave of Kylo's hand all of the objects landed on the floor in front of you, causing you to jump back slightly.

“I, I hurted mommy.” Griffin said, looking up at Kylo. “No, son. You didn't hurt your mother. It was an accident, you didn't mean to throw those things at her.” Kylo smiled down at Griffin, probably Kylo's proudest father moment. All of that sex must have put him in a good mood. “You were afraid, it's a natural response to fear. You didn't do anything wrong. Your daddy just has to teach you the ways of the Force so it doesn't happen again.” Griffin blinked, his mouth opened and closed as a look of bravery swept across his face. “Will you teach me?” Griffin asked, your heart pounded in your chest. It was something you'd have to let go of, you couldn't teach Griffin how to control the Force and neither could Finn. This was something only Kylo could do for his son, something you'd have to let go and let Kylo handle, you had to trust him. “Of course, son.” He said as he patted his head, running his exposed fingers through his son's hair.

Then Griffin did something that made you turn around and leave the room. You were outraged, appalled, and disgusted when you saw Griffin climb into Kylo's lap and wrap his arms around his neck as best as he could. That wasn't the part that upset you, however. It was the three words that Griffin said to Kylo under his breath: Thank you daddy.

Griffin finally realized, their bond in the force had grown over this most recent bonding moment between father and son. Griffin had finally called Kylo “dad.” It made you want to cry, really. It was probably the last little detail you had to remember Finn by, you were sure Griffin would always want to refer to Finn as his father, even when he fully understood the truth about his relationship to Kylo Ren. It was the last little bit of hope you clung to that one day there'd be some kind of miracle and Finn would come rescue you. But no, Griffin had said it with his own mouth, without any kind of coaching from you or from Kylo.

You stepped out in the hallway and leaned on the wall, looking down at the shiny linoleum floor and trying your best not to cry. Crying wouldn't do anything to help the situation, crying wouldn't bring you home or make Griffin hate Kylo like you wanted, crying would only worsen the situation, bring attention to you and your family inside of Griffin's room. It was just something you'd have to come to accept while you and your son both rotted in prison, you'd have to see Griffin start to admire his rapist father.

As you were sulking a pair of black boots appeared in your line of sight, you sighed. “He called me daddy.” Is all Kylo said to you, then two tears splashed on the floor in between your toes. “I heard.” You replied, crossing your arms over your chest. “I apologized to him, he says he wants to talk to you, love.” You nodded your head once then lifted yourself off the wall to enter Griffin's room when Kylo stopped you, placing his hand on your shoulder and gently pushing you back to the wall. “Y/n, this is a good thing.” You could hear the little chuckle in his voice, he was happy and you wouldn't expect any less. “Of course it is.” You said, your voice dripping in sarcasm as you tried to free your arm from his grip. Kylo's hand tightened, keeping you where you stood. “Love, don't you want to talk about this?”

“No, Kylo. You just told me my son wants me, I'm going to be with him.” You said, once again pulling yourself from the wall. This entire time you hadn't looked Kylo in the eyes, you couldn't look at him after he caused your body to react the way it did to him and after your son had called him daddy. Kylo was the last person you wanted around you right now and you weren't afraid to show it.

Kylo pushed you once again, this time a little more forceful, enough to make you stop and cringe. “Y/n, look at me.” He said, raising his voice just a smidge. You worried about drawing other people's attention, surely Kylo wasn't about to act ugly in front of everyone that was here, right? You scowled, defiantly looking to the ground instead of obeying your ex husband. He noticed this, opted to tuck his finger under your chin and raise your gaze up to him himself. Your eyes darted away, over to a wall behind his head. “Why are you so angry with me? Why are you acting like this in front of our son?”

Rage burned up inside of you. It was easy to bend to his will and pretend that everything was okay when he first held you captive, to hide your anger deep down inside of you because you were afraid of Kylo. Now was different, your biggest fear wasn't what Kylo would do to you, it was what Kylo would do to your son. Kylo could hit and yell at you all he wanted to, it didn't matter to you. Even though Kylo had vowed to you that he wouldn't lay a hand on Griffin any longer you worried, if he used you as a punching bag then maybe he'd keep his hands off of Griffin.

You allowed yourself to get angry in front of him, to show him why you were angry just as he said he wanted you to do during your talk about Ren becoming a better parent. “What do you mean why am I angry with you? Did you think I enjoyed being out of my own damn mind and being in constant, incurable pain while you weren't having your way with me?” Kylo stepped back, released his hold that he had on you. His face showed that of confusion, his bottom lip trembling slightly as he stood there idly in front of you. “And now you encourage my child to forget about the man that raised him to be who he is, the man that I love! Replacing him with you, a man that isn't even deserving of my love or my son's love! I hate you Kylo! I just want you to die!”

Kylo's hand dropped, swinging sadly at his side as the words you said sunk in. You pushed past him, filing into the room and seeing your happy son sitting on his medical cot. No longer afraid and upset Kylo had calmed him down enough for him to be happy once again, throwing his up his arms to you and gleefully shouting “mama” at the top of his lungs. You did your best to push Kylo out of your mind, it was now time to enjoy one on one time with Griffin, not time to dwell on how much you hated Kylo for putting you two in this situation.

“Mama, Kylo Ren was here. He told me that he'd help me with the Force and he told me he loved me and that he was sorry that he hurted me so bad.” You shook your head, you couldn't help but wonder if you were being too petty for being angry at Kylo. This was half his child as well and he deserved to have a relationship with him just as much as you did. In fact, you were arguing this point with Finn not too long ago, it got you into some extremely hot water and into this situation right now. You sighed, you were beginning to become very two faced and it wasn't a good feeling.

As the mindless mumbling of your son went on and on, filing endlessly into the back of your head, your thoughts moved quietly to what you had said to Kylo. The more you thought about it the worse you felt. You had fought so hard with Finn over your right to let Griffin spend time with Kylo, you felt it was so important for Griffin to understand who Kylo really was, and now? You had acted so ugly toward Kylo for doing just that. You told Kylo you wanted him to die for it, you had lost your cool in an incredibly familiar way. Kylo did the same thing to you when you first met him, telling you it was okay for you to just die and yelling at you. You were sure it was probably making him feel real shitty, after he had made so much progress with his own son. When you shouted at him, when you took your anger out on him with your words, you were no better than Kylo was, you were just as verbally abusive as he had been to you.

“Isn't that bullying mommy?” Your brows shot up and you looked up at Griffin, Kylo would definitely have to teach him that prying into people's minds was rude. But right now you didn't care, he was curious about his super powers and was excited for his father to teach him and you had better things to worry about than telling your son not to read your mind.

You shrugged his curiosity off until Griffin fell asleep around 9 pm, the doctor came in and told you they'd like to keep him for one more night just to make sure he'd be alright. You thanked him as you looked down at your sleeping angel, your innocent boy that had no idea of your turmoil or his father's turmoil. He was just a pawn in you and Kylo's hands, playing each person against one another whether they meant to or not. Everyone's actions revolved around him, whether positive or negative they always included Griffin. And he just sat blissfully unaware in the middle of everyone's games. How lucky was he?

As you lay your head back down on Griffin's cot to try and go back to sleep the doctor interrupted you. “Lady Ren? If I may?” He said shyly. This was the same doctor who had asked you to take a walk while Griffin was unresponsive, he was probably being gentle now that he had seen Kylo enter his room, he knew that he was around. You picked your head up, your neck and back once again sore like you had been sleeping on Kylo's couch. You were tired, worried, hated yourself and really just wanted to escape into your dreams. “Why don't you go back home and get some rest?” He said, you took another look at Griffin who was peacefully still asleep. “The Commander did a good job at calming him down. We shouldn't have too many issues treating him tonight, should we need you we have ways of contacting you.” You sighed, there really was no reason to stay with Griffin while he slept, you wanted to really try and relax after such a shitty day. You also felt like you owed Kylo a sincere apology for how you acted today. Griffin was right, you had bullied the bully and in turn became a bully. It wasn't the type of example you wanted to set for your son, you had to correct it and you had to correct it fast.

You assured the doctor that you'd be back first thing in the morning, around 8 when Griffin would wake up. With that you were off, back home to Kylo so you could clear your guilty conscious. The doctor had ordered a storm trooper escort to take you back to your home, when you got there Kylo was already in bed, sitting propped up against the pillows and playing on his tablet. When you entered the room you had looked at Kylo long enough to see him flash his eyes at you, then back down at whatever he was doing. You bit the inside of your cheek as you shook your head slightly, your stomach was hurting and you were unsure of how to proceed.

You gave yourself some time, moving to the inside of the closet to retrieve one of your old nightgowns and change. While you did you wondered about how you'd apologize to Kylo, rehearsed small bits of speech in your head as you shimmied the light garment over you. You determined that the best thing to do was to just say you were sorry, nothing more or nothing less. You trusted that Kylo was smart enough to connect the dots for what you were apologizing for, but even if he asked you decided not to answer. It was late, you wanted your son, you wanted to sleep.

When you exited the closet you found Kylo had traded his tablet for a piece of paper that he was holding in his lap. He wasn't paying any attention to you, just looking down sadly at the yellowing paper as you walked around to your side of the bed. You thought for a moment that maybe now wouldn't be the best time for an apology, he seemed on edge and, now that Griffin wasn't here, you worried about what would happen to you should you set him off. As soon as you were comfortable sitting in bed you turned so you could look at what Kylo had in his hand. As you did he quickly folded it back up and placed it on his nightstand. You sighed, it couldn't have been that important anyway, if he didn't want to share it with you then you'd just leave it alone.

You settled down in bed next to him on your back just as he reached over and turned out the light. Your fingers found themselves bunching up the comforter as Kylo settled himself on his side with his back facing toward you, you could tell that he was upset with you and certainly didn't feel the need to tell you goodnight. That was okay, because you weren't in the mood either. You took in a huge breath, but just before you could say you were sorry Kylo cut you off. “You didn't mean what you said, I know love.” You forgot that he could look into your mind and see what you were thinking, at least it saved you the humility of saying it out loud. “You wouldn't have come back home if you weren't sorry. I understand and I forgive you.”

You didn't feel the need to say anything after that, you had effectively apologized to Kylo without actually saying anything out loud and you got the satisfaction of him forgiving you. It was enough stress handling for one night, you decided to call it a night.

 

–

On the morning of his wife's execution Kylo got a message from Snoke, The Supreme Leader wanted a blood sample from his wife to most accurately test for pregnancy and how far along she was. Kylo worried, the only time he'd had sex with her was a few days ago, if by some miracle she was pregnant with his child there was a very slim chance that it would show on a test, even a test as accurate as a blood test would be a very long stretch.

He had to oblige, hoping he'd get the good news and his wife would be spared. That morning he turned over and looked over at her sleeping form, thought about how much he loved her and the gift she had given him that was his son. He couldn't bear the thought of her dying today, he hadn't even told her that today would be the day she would expire. She wasn't too fond of him, he knew that very clear, but it didn't stop him from loving her and everything she had done for him. She was the best teacher for him to learn how to be a parent, he wouldn't know how to take care of Griffin otherwise. He couldn't let her die, he had come so close to losing her so many times now he couldn't stand the thought of losing her one more time, this time for good. There'd be no hope of rescue, no hope of just coming across her one day and bringing her back home. She'd be dead, gone, and Kylo would be left alone to raise his son with no help or guidance.

A tear ran down his cheek at the thought, he just couldn't let it happen. Snoke had scheduled the blood labs to be done by 3 pm that day, he still had time to fuck her one or two times before having the procedure done. He knew she wasn't going to like it, but if it were to save his life then it would have to be done.

Under the blanket Kylo pulled his pants and underwear down, swallowing the lump in his throat down as best as he could. He had planned from the time he had brought her back to Star Killer he wasn't going to do anything like this to her, it would only push her further and further away from him. But it was for her own good, as sad as it was it had to be done.

Slowly and quietly he got up on his knees, leaning up over her and grasping the waistband of her sleeping shorts. He pulled them down quickly, there was no use in drawing this out with foreplay, she was going to say no whether he took his time or not. The sudden action caused her to open her eyes and pick her head up. Kylo didn't even bother looking at her as she began to kick her legs, whispering the words “no Kylo” to him. He took a hold of one of her knees and spread her leg open. She rubbed her eyes as he began crawling over her, his cock becoming stiff as he tried his hardest to think about the pleasure he was about to experience at the cost of saving her life.

“Kylo, now's not a good time.” She said, as if telling him there would have been a better time to fuck, that she'd willingly let him fuck her if he waited a few hours? Days? But that would take too long, they needed her blood in six hours and this was a last resort, hoping his seed would find one of her eggs and create the hormone needed to keep her alive.

He ignored her, lining himself up with her entrance as she began to twist and push him away from her. “Please, not now Kylo. Not right now. I don't want this.” She said groggily, the last four words officially making what he was about to do rape. Kylo huffed, pushing himself in fully as she began pushing herself away, a frail attempt at escaping his cock. As he did she whispered a quiet and defeated sounding 'no,' closed her eyes as her fists relaxed against his bare chest. He couldn't tell if she was just simply admitting defeat or if he was actually making her feel good. It didn't matter, because he would be cumming inside of her whether she wanted him to or not.

He picked up his pace, closing his eyes as he recalled memories of the good times they had made love to each other, when nothing was forced or faked and they would just be enjoying their bodies. He remembered his wife's face as she'd cum shortly before or after him, how she'd throw her head back and let her mouth fall open, showing her true self to Kylo in one of her most vulnerable moments. Kylo would often to the same thing for her, she was the only person he felt he could be vulnerable around.

His cock twitched inside of her, she was twisting and turning and begging him to stop. He wondered if she was about to begin bleeding, or if she was just in a lot of pain this morning. Kylo's eyes began rolling as he felt his orgasm creeping up on him, then his wife began uttering something that made him quite hopeful.

“Don't finish inside me, please Kylo don't cum inside me.” She begged, it only caused Kylo to want to go faster and deeper. That's what she meant by not a good time, she was fertile and just as Kylo suspected she didn't want another child.

With a moan, Kylo continued, ignoring her pleas to stop. He was close, hot, and sensitive to her walls that were becoming wetter and wetter against her will. Soon he was pushing himself right into her high and soft cervix, a physical sign that she was ready to conceive. His seed was shooting straight into her, he made a great show of showing his orgasm face as she sat there, mortified and disgusted at him. Once he had come down from his bliss he pulled out, dragging a strand of cum with him and splattering it onto his sheets. Just as he removed himself his wife drew her legs close to her, opening her knees and looking down in between. She looked horrified to see his cum seeping from her cunt, quickly snapping her legs shut and running to the bathroom.

Kylo listened to the broken sobs coming from behind the bathroom door. Along with those sobs came quiet declarations of hate. “I hate you! I told you not to cum in me Kylo, I don't want to be pregnant again!” She'd say in between her sobs. Kylo tried not to take it to heart, he didn't want to believe in the words she was saying when she had already apologized about it a few night ago, but it still hurt him to hear her cry.

She emerged a few minutes later when Kylo was getting ready to leave, to summon the doctors that would draw and test her blood for the pregnancy hormone. They had a stare off, he handed her the shorts and underwear she had slept in the night before as a courtesy, she snatched them out of his hands and threw them on as quick as she could. When she looked up back up at him he took in her sad expression, her red and puffy eyes that were quickly going back to normal. She looked so pitiful, Kylo knew it was all his fault but there was just no other choice, this was the best chance he had of getting her to produce another child, to save her own life.

“I don't know where you're going, but you need to get me the pill, Kylo.”

“What pill?” Kylo spat out, feigning his innocence. “You know the pill. The emergency contraceptive that you gave me during my first three days. You have to have some in your shitty organization.”

Suddenly y/n grabbed the collar of his shirt in a defiant act of dominance, pulling him down to face her. Her look of pity changed immediately to anger as she bared her teeth and further explained what she was talking about. “I don't want to be pregnant by you again, you abusive monster. If I get pregnant I'm _going_ to get rid of it even if I have to do it myself! I won't bring another innocent child into this world for you to abuse and turn against me and my friends that you killed, do you understand me?”

Kylo shook his head once, brought his hands up to the side of her face and kissed her forehead, long and slow. He completely understood her fears, but she still didn't know and he still didn't want to tell her the truth. He had ways of stopping her from harming their unborn child, should she drop to that level of desperate. He worried very little about that.

What he did worry about was whether or not her blood would show what he and the Supreme Leader was looking for, and if it didn't, would Snoke kill her on the spot?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Years!  
> For those who didn't see I posted a new work, written in conjunction with my good friend Cheeky_Monkey. It's her storyline that she's asked me to write out, it's going to be great so please check it out!


	26. Six Little Words

It was quarter till three when Kylo came home, several hours early and in a hurry to gather you up. Griffin sat on the floor playing with his toy boat and you were in the kitchen sweeping the floor. He rushed right up to you, his boots clicking loudly on the now clean kitchen floor behind you.“Y/n, we need to go now.” He said, even though he had his helmet on you could still hear the panic in the tones of his voice. You were still angry at him for ejaculating inside of you against your will, having wiped and scooped as much out of you as you could after the deed was done to try and deter the natural process of baby making.

The last thing you wanted was to bring more of Kylo's children into the world, especially if he was going to be there from start to finish in the child's life. You loved Griffin with all of your heart, and if you had the chance to go back in time and stop yourself from having intercourse so that Griffin would not come to exist, you had no doubt in your mind that you Wouldnt change a thing. Griffin was your miracle child, and you had decided a long time ago that he didn't deserve to miss out on a chance at life just because he was fathered by someone you would consider to be one of the worst men in the galaxy. When it came to other children being sired by that same man? You'd stop at nothing to prevent them from even existing in the first place.

If you were pregnant now then you'd have a tough decision to make, one that you weren't counting on making because you kept putting it in your mind that Griffin was the lucky one, the one that managed to make it in your sick body. You kept trusting that the doctor that saw you was correct and it would be a very slim chance that you'd get pregnant again. But if there was another miracle child inside of you, or if there would be within the next few days? You'd hate to think Kylo would deny you access to an abortion, but then again you were speaking of Kylo who was so head strong and bossy. Just like the first time Kylo ever mentioned he wanted children with you, you knew that he took whatever he wanted, and that more than likely included whether or not you gave him more children.

“Y/n, now. Let's go.” Kylo said, grabbing the broom out of your hand and throwing it to the floor. You took a step back, refusing to entertain whatever plans he had for you. It worried you slightly that he was somewhat panicked, the harsh tones in his voice indicative of his freight. “I'm not going anywhere with you.” You said, bending over to pick up the broom. Using the Force he kicked it out of your grasp, taking a hold of your wrist. You yelped, trying your hardest to pull your hand out of his grip

“We don't have time for this, love. We need to go now.” By now, Griffin had noticed the commotion going on in the kitchen and had ran to the entrance, watching as the two of you fought over where you would be going. “Kylo Ren! You're home!” Griffin said as he bounced on his toes. Griffin only ever called Kylo his “daddy” that one time in the medbay, ever since then he's just been Kylo Ren. Kylo seemed to have taken your advice, over the past few days actually taking the time to sit on the floor and play with Griffin's dinosaurs or model ships with him or to read him a story or two before bed. You had come to accept it, Kylo had agreed to teach Griffin more about how to use the Force and he couldn't successfully do that if Griffin didn't like him. Besides, Griffin would have a better life in the First Order if you weren't continually putting bad images of Kylo into his head. You just decided to leave the situation alone for now.

“Kylo Ren? Where are you going with mommy? Can I come please?” Griffin said as he toddled up to Kylo and began pulling on his leg. Meanwhile Kylo was now pulling you toward the front door against your will, let one of his hands fall from your arm to Griffin's head as he told him 'not right now.'

“What do you mean not right now? If you're going to force me to go somewhere with you Griffin needs to come too! I'm not going to leave him here alone.” Griffin stepped back as he watched Kylo struggle to pull you out of the kitchen without making it seem like anything was wrong. You hated fighting with Kylo in front of him and, based off of Griffin's art work on the walls from a few days ago, Griffin was well aware of how Kylo had harmed you in the past.

“There's a droid on its way, now come on.” You were so annoyed with Kylo and his unwillingness to tell you what was going on in the moment that you used all your might and snatched your arm out of his hand. “Would you stop and consider my feelings and fears for once, please?” You demanded, in response his body seemed to relax, as if he couldn't understand a word that came out of your mouth. As of recent you had noticed Kylo had gone back to his original ways, doing things according to his wishes and not yours, seemingly not giving a damn about you or Griffin when he made those decisions.

From out in the living room the door opened and in walked a new nanny droid that you hadn't seen before. “Salutations Ren family! I am T7-TR4, here to nanny young Griffin Han Solo for the evening.” It spoke, it's robotic voice coming in faintly from the living room. “Griffin Han Solo, that's me!” Griffin said, running out to the living room at the sound of his name. You looked up at Kylo who was looking down at you, his cheeks hollowed out with a harsh exhale. You didn't need to know why he was so upset, in fact you wondered why he hadn't forced you to change Griffin's name since the two of you came here.

“Look, the droid is here. Let's move.” He said as he began to walk out of the kitchen, expecting you to follow close behind him. “Wait, Kylo.” You said, knowing full and well you wouldn't have any more excuses to not go with him to wherever he wanted you to go. He stopped, turned and looked at you, you knew by now he was annoyed with you, ready to just hoist you over his shoulder and carry you to your destination. “What is it, y/n?” His voice cut into you like a double-edged sword, he was annoyed and impatient, not willing to wait any longer. “Could you at least tell me where you're taking me?” You asked, you felt like he at least owed you an explanation. You were sure he was hiding something anyway when you asked him repeatedly about why he had drugged you instead of forcing you to have sex with him, you would have preferred the latter instead of being in so much physical pain and feeling extremely hopeless in ridding yourself of your overactive libido.

“To see my master. He wants to speak to you.” Snoke. Kylo desperately wanted to take you to see Snoke. The man that cut himself through your mind and the man that set up this whole deal between you and Kylo. Why on earth would he of all people in the First Order want to speak to you?

“Are you done asking questions now? Can we please go?” Kylo said pointing to the exit. You were afraid of what was to come, but you figured if the master of your master turned husband wanted to speak to you, you'd simply have no choice. You followed him out of the kitchen, gave Griffin a kiss and told him you'd see him later, then followed Kylo out into the cold, lonely halls of Star Killer base.

 

Snoke's room always gave you chills, it was so huge, so empty, so cold, and so dark. Not to mention the fact that the last time you were here you were married to Kylo, had your memories ripped from your mind and put back as well as had your palm cut wide open in order to commit yourself to the Order. Upon that thought you cut your eyes to the right wall, just to see if your plaque was still there.

It wasn't.

Replaced once again by General Hux's plaque that was identical to yours, minus the name.

You had no idea what it could have meant, and the more you thought about it the more you realized it wouldn't be good no matter how many times you thought about it. You swallowed the wad of saliva that formed in your nervousness, this conversation would likely not end well.

As always the hologram came to life with a few crackles and the image of Supreme Leader Snoke was playing out right in front of you. “I had brought her, Supreme Leader.” Kylo said, stepping back and leaving you to stand alone in front of him. You nodded your head at him, other than the fact that he accused you of being a spy you had no qualms with him, you were hoping he'd have the same outlook as you.

He leaned forward, towering over you like a falling building. His stare left you cold, clammy, and shaking. Something in his hollow, lifeless eyes told you not to say a single thing to him, you were in fear of your life and what would come of it should you make this man angry.

He shook his head over you, leaning back in his chair and sighing. “Well, no reason to dilly-dally and waste more of my time, _Kylo_.” He sneered, you looked behind you just enough to see Kylo nodding his head, then saw him quickly walking over to his right, effectively leaving you all by yourself. Once again afraid, you turned to follow him just as Snoke mentioned something about bringing out the doctors. “Sit her in the chair and draw the blood, get this over with quickly so we can take care of the situation.”

By now Kylo was walking back with a chair in his hands, two doctors were walking toward you as well. One of them had a table with sterilized needles and one tube on it and the other had a table with a small machine. You were panicking, Kylo hadn't mentioned anything about doctors or needles when he told you you'd be talking to Snoke, you hadn't even said a single word to Snoke yet and now something major was about to happen to you!

“Sit down in the chair, please Lady Ren.” The one that carted the small machine said to you as he motioned to the chair. “Uh, no. What's going on?”

“Sit down in the chair, love. Everything is going to be okay.” Kylo said behind you. You whipped around to him, he had removed his helmet and had placed it on the floor next to him. “Kylo, tell me what's happening!” You said, unable to stop your voice from rising in fear. One of the doctors was opening one of the needles and was beginning to set it up, it was clear that the point of this was to draw your blood, not inject something into you. “Oh for Force sake, grab her and pin her to the chair. I don't have time for this Kylo, control your whore!” Snoke said, his voice echoing loudly and scarily, at the time you weren't even upset that he had called you a whore, you were focused on survival, attempting to do your best to get answers as to what was going on. Before you could do anything, however, Kylo came up from behind you and grabbed your arm, forcing you back and into the chair. You wiggled around, beating Kylo with your fists as hard as you could.

“You, grab her other arm and help me hold her still.” Kylo said to the doctor that wasn't setting up the needles and empty tubes. He walked over to you, grasped your left arm and held it out, one arm under your armpit to hold you down in the chair and the other pinning your wrist to the arm of the chair. You struggled even as Kylo shushed you, telling you to relax and let them take your blood. You screamed, ignoring Kylo as you thrashed back and forth as best as you could to throw the two bigger, much stronger men off of you.

The first doctor approached and used an alcohol pad to sterilize the crook of your elbow, used his hand to fan the area for it to dry. Then came the needle, you screamed and threw your head back as soon as you felt the sharp silver point make contact with your skin. You heard Snoke's low toned chuckle in front of you just as the needle penetrated your skin, you looked up just in time to see Snoke smiling at you as the blood ran from your arm, into the tube, and filled the test tube. “This is the woman you want to marry, this cowardly woman who can't even stand to have her blood drawn?” You were offended at the statement, and you were sure Kylo was as well. You weren't afraid of having your blood drawn, you were afraid of why they were drawing your blood. No one would tell you anything except for Snoke who constantly demeaned you, just like Kylo did in the beginning of your relationship. You couldn't help but wonder if Kylo was the abusive man that he was because of his master.

Once they had gathered up enough of your blood to fill the tube the doctor pulled the needle out of your arm and the two men released you. By now you were so worked up all you wanted to do was hold onto the chair, too afraid to go anywhere or do anything else. The second doctor took the vile of blood from the first and set it down in the machine he had brought with him, the tube sat behind a round door that seemed as if it could house several other viles with it. The doctor closed the small door and pressed a few buttons, soon the machine was gently rocking back and forth and emitting soft rumbling noises.

You looked up and over to Kylo who was still standing at your right side staring straight ahead at the foot of Snoke's hologram. “Kylo, _please_ tell me what's going on! I don't like it when you keep secrets from me like this!” You begged, only now beginning to feel some tears welling in the very back of your eyes. “Shush, y/n. I've told you that everything is going to be okay.” Kylo said coldly, refusing to even look at you. You shook your head then looked straight ahead as well, still afraid of what was to come as the white noise of the machine filled your ears.

“Well, doctor? What are the results? Let's get this over with.” Snoke said as impatient as ever. You weren't sure what they were testing your blood for, but you were hoping that, whatever it was, did not show in your blood. Maybe you were being poisoned and they wanted to see if you were contagious, or maybe they were testing for a genetic disorder that you could have possibly passed down to Griffin. “Please, Supreme Leader,” the man started, taking one last look down at the machine and pressing a button or two. “It takes a few minutes to get the most accurate reading.”

“What are they testing my blood for?” Kylo didn't even look at you, now going as far as to ignore you and your questions.

Minutes passed and just as the man said the machine stopped it's gyrations and it's soothing noise. The doctor removed the now empty tube of blood and stuck it into the pile of other things they had used on you to draw your blood. The machine spat out a small piece of paper that looked like a receipt, it was about a foot long and you assumed it had a full reading of your blood. Next to you Kylo crossed his arms tightly over his chest and sighed very heavily, a sign that he was stressed out. “Read it, doctor, the quicker we can get this meeting over with the better.” Said Snoke, you were thinking the same thought.

The doctor cleared his throat as he straightened out the results in his hand. “The test result indicates that the Human Chorionic Gonadotropin hormone was not present in Lady Ren's blood.” He looked around at everyone, and while he did you let out a huge sigh of relief, you didn't know what that hormone was but it sounded intimidating, almost like an STD. You smiled to yourself just a bit, maybe now you could go home to Griffin and relax for the rest of the afternoon. You looked over at Kylo and found he was pale as a sheet, looking at Snoke with a most terrified look on his face. In an instant your relief turned to terror as well, something just wasn't right. The doctors were looking around seemingly afraid and Snoke had the biggest grin on his face. You were missing something, something extremely important.

“Ah, just as I suspected.” Snoke said, looking down at you smiling like he had just won the lottery. “Supreme Leader, wait! Please wait!” Kylo said, stepping forward to Snoke. There was freight in his voice, he was afraid of something? Maybe you did have an STD or an illness or a genetic disorder, something that Snoke was about to exile you for.

Snoke raised his hand, and as he did Kylo went flying back toward the door. “Stay out of my way, Kylo. I've waited a long time to kill this whore, now there's no exceptions.” Snoke lifted his other hand and in an instant your windpipe was cut off before you even had the chance to react to his words. “Say goodbye to your husband, whore.” Snoke said as he picked you up from the chair and threw you to the ground with the Force. You clawed desperately at the invisible hand that was crushing your windpipe, now understanding why everyone was panicking when your test came up negative.

“Supreme Leader! Please stop, you can't kill her I am begging you, let her go!”

“Silence!” Snoke shouted just as your vision began going black.

“It won't show up in her blood for quite some time, I know that' she's pregnant, you must believe me!”

At Kylo's words the grip around your neck tightened and soon you couldn't see anything, the only thing you could do was sit there pinned to the floor as Snoke snuffed the life out of you, something you had so desperately wanted when your stay first began here on Star Killer for the second time, but now you were sure you wanted Kylo to stay alive.

 

Suddenly you were listening to Kylo speaking frantically, behind him one of the doctors agreeing with him just as frantically. “We've been trying, Supreme Leader. We agreed that we both wanted another child, another child that would rule the Order just in case something happened to Griffin when he takes over. She had trouble conceiving the first time around, but if by some chance she's not pregnant then I'll make sure she gets pregnant sometime in the near future. Please Supreme Leader, I am begging you to give me one more chance!”

You sat up, your hair falling into your face as you came to. Kylo was looking up at the hologram with his arms out, bent at the elbows and his hands in fists. “Why do you want another child with a whore, Kylo? I've told you I can get a more sophisticated woman for you to procreate with. If you want we can even rid the galaxy of that scoundrel child you created. It would be better for both you and the throne.”

You couldn't believe what you were hearing. Between Kylo begging for your life and Snoke suggesting your son be killed you sat straight up, all eyes in the room turned to look at you as you stood tall and brave, ready to fight for your son like your life depended on it. “Look at her, look at how strong she is. You just nearly choked her to death and here she stands, ready to fight for her son and for her husband.”

You blinked, wondering where Kylo got the idea that you were going to fight for him. You just wanted to be there for if Snoke suggested Griffin should die, because then you'd really have to die before he could get his slimy hands on him, you were certain Kylo felt the same way. From the way Kylo went babbling on about you and how much he cares about you and Griffin and about how badly he wants to experience pregnancy and childbirth with you at least once since he missed out on it the first time, you could tell he was desperate to save your life, which apparently could only happen if you were pregnant.

Snoke shook his head, looking down at Kylo extremely disappointed. “Out.” He commanded the two doctors, without so much as a look at Snoke they grabbed their equipment and filed out of the room together, no doubt afraid of what would be happening to them if they were too slow. You took a stand next to Kylo, courageously grabbing his hand. “Supreme Leader, this is my wife. You married us for a reason. Please spare her life, she's important to me and our son. I promise I won't let you down.”

Snoke seemed to consider Kylo's words and soon your life seemed to become yours once again. Kylo gripped your hand harder, lacing his fingers in yours like a good husband would, part of it disgusted you but you were thankful for him, you weren't sure how he managed to save your life but he did, there was no doubt about it that he loved you and loved Griffin enough to fight Supreme Leader to the death to keep you two alive.

“Six. Months.” Snoke sneered at the two of you, you could have sworn you felt Kylo's heart pound rapidly in his chest through the palm of your hand. “You have six months to produce another child. After six months you are of no use to the First Order and will be exterminated. Absolutely _no exceptions._ Am I understood loud and clear?”

“Yes Supreme Leader.” The both of you said in unison. “Then get out of my sight.” Snoke said as he disappeared into the void, leaving both you and Kylo completely silent and alone.

 

Out in a secluded hallway you beat your fists against Kylo's chest as hard as you could shouting the words 'I hate you' over and over as loud as you could. Kylo stood there and took it like a champ, as if your punches felt like little tickles on his chest. “Your plan is to just keep getting me pregnant to keep me alive? That's not going to work for me Kylo!” You said as you slowed down just a tad, looking up to him for his answer. “No, love. I told him you were pregnant to buy me time. It would have given me several years to think of a way to keep Snoke off of your back.”

“And you kept this from me because...?”

“Because I knew you'd say no.” Kylo said, taking a step away from you once you finished hitting him. “Kylo, I really _really_ don't appreciate this at all.” You whined, looking down at the floor between his toes. “I can't get pregnant again, my first birth experience was so horrid I don't know if I'm strong enough to go through it again.” Kylo took your face in both of his hands, lifting you up so that you were looking at him once again. “Yes you can, love. I know you can do it. The way you stood up after Snoke nearly choked you to death was so admirable and showcased your strength so well.” He wiped a stray tear away from your eye as he continued.

“I know it was wrong to hide the truth from you, believe me I suffered through it too. Those times when I asked to have sex with you and you said no killed me each time, I was worried I was going to lose you.” You freed your head as you ran your hands down your abdomen and over your c section scar, even though you had lost all sensation over it, just the thought of having another painful surgery in the same spot made it tingle numbly. You were told once you had a c section you'd likely have to have another, and another, until the doctors told you that you were no longer allowed to have any more children and they'd have to burn your tubes to prevent ovulation.

“I wasn't lying when I said I wanted to experience it with you either, I want to have a child with you y/n, I want to be there from the very beginning to the very end. I want to be able to be in the delivery room with you and to hold it after it's born. It's not just simply about keeping you alive, I want to experience something new with my wife.” You sniffed, such an emotionally charged moment was breaking you down. It was something you thought of quite often, about how much Kylo loved Griffin even though he only got to meet him when he was 4 years old. Truthfully you would have felt hurt too if you found out another person was raising your flesh and blood.

“Well, maybe we don't have to have another baby. Snoke gave up six months, can't you figure something out in six months?” You gently suggested, it was an option that you'd rather go with instead of risking another horrible birth experience. Kylo chuckled above you, then took your hand in his at your side. “You are smart, love. I love your creativity but this is the only way I can see working. I'm not asking you to have a third child, or a fourth, just one more. One more will satisfy my needs and Snoke's needs and then we can stop there, live with just two children and be happy. By then I'm sure Snoke will be satiated with us and will leave us alone. If he doesn't then we'll have five or six years to figure something out.”

He lifted his other hand up under your chin, his fingers were so soft and caring on your wet skin. “Please, love. Just trust me on this.” You sighed, then shook your head, causing Kylo's face to fall into a concerned frown. “If we do this...” You started, letting go of Kylo's hand and walking around him to the wall on the other side of the hallway. “I need you to be honest with me from here on out. You can't lie to me like that anymore, you just can't, it won't work for me or for you.”

“Anything, love. No more deception.”

“And you keep your hands off of me, you don't yell at me or at Griffin and when I tell you to leave me alone, you do it.” You turned around and looked at Kylo very seriously, you were willing to accommodate him, he had to be willing to accommodate you. “There's a reason why Griffin was born premature, you know, and a reason why I have so much trouble conceiving in the first place.” Kylo nodded his head, trembling just a bit at the realization that he was the reason everything in your childbirth had gone awry. “I-I understand.” Kylo said. You walked up to him and once again boldly took a hold of his hand, eyeing the janitors closet that you and him had fucked in right after you got married.

You tore your eyes away, opting instead to look at him as you uttered six small words you never thought you'd ever say to Kylo in your life: “Well, let's go make a baby.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo I just recently dipped my hands into kinkwriting for an anonymous requester (I love you, don't be ashamed of your kinks friend!), they said they don't mind me posting it....should I post it? o:


	27. Newest Edition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***Topic of "self abortion" discussed at the very end. To avoid stop reading after she reads the pregnancy test***

Griffin sat transfixed on the crack in his ceiling, this time it was saying actual words to him. Words like “dark” and “father” and “grandfather.” Griffin should have been afraid, but instead he was drawn to the crack like it was a big, delicious, gourmet cookie just sitting there waiting for him to take it. 

“But I don’t like the dark. I use this nightlight that Kylo Ren got for me here, see?” Griffin crawled on his hands and knees over to where Kylo Ren had plugged the night light into his socket in the corner of his room, pulled it out and lifted it up to the crack. It was a small replica of Darth Vader’s light saber, bright enough to set the room in a dull red glow to keep the monsters away from Griffin at night. He didn’t know too much about Darth Vader, but he still appreciated the night light, red was his favorite color and he had decided early on that if he were to have his own light saber it would definitely be red. 

The crack went on, whispers in Griffin’s mind telling him in broken sentences to stay away from the dark side, that what his father was doing was wrong and he didn’t want to see Griffin go down the same path. Griffin was confused, told the crack one more time that he wasn’t in the dark, the light was on in his room and that he was supposed to be picking his toys up for breakfast. 

“Your father, Griffin. Don’t follow in his path. My great grandson, do not follow in your father’s footsteps.” 

Griffin cut his eyes, skeptical about what the crack was telling him. “My daddy? I can’t follow my daddy? He’s not here, he’s at home.” Griffin wasn’t sure what was happening at all anymore, ever since he had come to live with Kylo Ren his whole life had been turned upside down. He developed these powers that he knew nothing about, there was a crack in the ceiling that was talking to him that wasn’t even there in the first few nights he had spent in that room, his mother was always sad, and now he hears Kylo Ren’s voice in his head from time to time! Griffin had no idea what to think of these new happenings around him, and what frustrated him was he had no one to talk to about them, no one to help him work his way through his problems. He was all alone.

“Kylo Ren, Griffin. Kylo Ren is your true father. Do not follow the path that he has set up for you, you will fail just as he is and just as I had. Do as your mother says, stay light young one.”

“I don’t understand.” Griffin said, wiping his eyes as now he was just mentally exhausted from trying to understand everything the crack had told him. Kylo Ren wasn’t his daddy, he even was confused himself when the word ‘daddy’ slipped past his lips on its own when he was in the hospital with him. His daddy was at home, waiting for him and his mother to come back to him so they could play baseball and color pictures and read books again. 

Suddenly the whispers and humming in his mind ceased, and soon he felt like he was all alone once again. “Hello?” He asked, standing and staring up at the crack waiting for it to say more to him, to clarify itself some more as it had left Griffin confused. “Hellooooo?” Griffin shouted a little louder, which seemed to have grabbed the attention of his mother who then knocked on his door. “Griffin, come on honey breakfast time.”

“Coming mommy.” Griffin shouted as the door opened. He turned around and saw his mother holding an apple in her hands. “Pick up your toys and let’s go, Griffin. Your pancakes are getting cold.” Griffin looked from his mother back to the crack in his ceiling. “Mommy, it was talking to me again. It said ‘don’t go dark like my daddy,’ what does that mean?” 

“It doesn’t mean anything, Griffin. Go out and get breakfast, I’ll pick your toys up.” His mother said as she walked into his room with a worried look on her face. She placed her hand on the back of his head and pushed him toward the door. “But mommy--”

“Go Griffin! I’ll be out in a minute!” His mother said sternly as she squatted down to pick up his toys. He did as he was told, sadly wishing his mother would provide him the answers that he needed.

 

\--

“You need to get that creepy ass helmet out of Griffin’s room. It’s scaring him.” You said to Kylo as you began to undress. This would be the first time you and Kylo would ever have sex in order to try for a baby since you had came back, and you wouldn’t lie to yourself, you were nervous. Nervous about being pregnant again, nervous about having sex again, nervous about birthing a child again, it just had your stomach all tied up in knots 

“It belongs in that room, y/n. I put it up in the ceiling where he couldn’t get to it.” Kylo said as he stood up from the side of his bed, dropping his pants and beginning to touch himself, willing his cock to life in his hand. “It still scares him, it talks to him now and says things like--” You stopped yourself as you realized you’d have to explain the things Griffin had said to you earlier that morning. It didn’t sound like something Kylo would want to hear, that his grandfather, the man that he idolizes, doesn’t want his great grandson to follow his path. It would only put you in danger, you still didn’t trust Kylo to keep his hands off of you and wanted to minimize the likelihood of him hitting you.

“Like what? What has it said to him?” Kylo said as he took your hand in his, bringing it up to his lips and kissing your knuckles. “Nothing, let’s just get this over with please.” You said, removing your hand from his grip and moving to the bed. “No, love. Tell me what he told you.” Kylo pressed on, moving on top of you and beginning to line himself up with your entrance. 

“I don’t want to talk about. Please can you just find a new spot for it? Or at the very least get the crack fixed?” He pushed in and you sighed at the feeling, quite ashamed at how good the sex felt as he sunk in as deep as he could. “I’ll think about it. Let’s finish this first, then we can talk.” Kylo said, picking up his pace a little more. 

             Your mantra during this whole baby making ordeal was to think of it as a business transaction between you and your ex husband. You would put up with the lukewarm sex with him, his obsessive and overbearing habits that he bestowed upon you for optimal fertilization just like the first time, and in the end you’d produce one more child of his and you’d get to keep your life. 

             Kylo’s plan was to have sex every other day, morning and night and to test your urine every Saturday evening. He also gave you the choice of opting out of the sex and testing if you wanted to, but when it came to the strict diet and exercise routine Kylo had set up for you, there was no way out of it. So every morning you and Kylo would fuck, he’d prop your hips up with a pillow, and then after he left you’d wake up and make yourself breakfast according to what he wanted you to eat, then end the morning with an hour long walk around the base with Griffin.

               You came to at least enjoy the time out you spent with Griffin, Kylo had given you your tablet back so you wouldn’t get lost, but also to track your ovulation and period cycles so he could watch them closely. You tried not to let it interfere with Griffin time, however. 

             You took him to the digital tunnel every day where he oohed and awed over the stars and planets. His favorite thing to do was to run around and chase the space ships that flew around the planets, the only thing you could do was look on and smile, be happy that your son was adjusting so well now that Kylo had started showing him some fatherly compassion. 

             On the second week of trying for a baby you began to worry about how Griffin would react to having a younger sibling. Even back at home when Finn was Griffin’s daddy he was always such a mommy's boy, sucking up as much of your attention as he could at any given time. Babies required a lot of attention, a lot of getting up in the middle of the night and a lot of time goes into taking care of them. A new baby around the house would mean less mommy and Griffin time. 

            You were already feeling down because your weeks pregnancy test had come up negative and Kylo was disappointed. It wasn’t as if he took it out on you, but you knew it was something he wanted badly, something he wanted for you and not for him. It just upset you greatly to know you had failed him. 

            You had decided to give Griffin a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch using the chunky peanut butter just as he liked. And as you sat there sulking while Griffin went on and on about what he had learned from Kylo Ren the previous night about the Force you decided to see what he thought about becoming a big brother. 

           “Hey Griff, what if mommy told you there was a baby in her tummy?” Griffin’s eyes lit up as he took a look down at your stomach, beginning to mumble around his half chewed sandwich in his mouth. “Chew and swallow, son. Then you tell me what you want to say.” You said with a chuckle, the look on his face was that of terror. He did as you told him, once swallowing the sandwich he took a huge breath in and screamed. 

            “Mama! You ate a baby? Take it out mama!” He was legitimately afraid for you, the sight made you laugh. “No, no, Griffin. Mommy didn’t eat a baby, the baby just appeared in her tummy.” You began to panic just a bit, you weren’t prepared to explain to him how babies were made right now. Griffin took another curious look at your belly, reaching out and resting his hand on your belly button. “How will she come out of there?” 

            She? What the hell was that boy talking about. “You think there’s a girl in there?” You weren’t pregnant, that you were sure of. There were no symptoms and your test was negative, there was no reason for Griffin to know it was a girl, even if he was using his sharpened Force skills. “Mmm...no.” He said, rubbing jelly all over your new grey shirt. “You want the baby to be a girl?” Griffin nodded his head, then pulled his hand away from you. “There’s no baby mommy. Kylo Ren taught me how to feel for people with the Force, and I didn’t feel anybody in there.” 

             You smiled at him, your precious and innocent son. “Well, no, not yet. But there might be a baby in there soon. You never know, you may be a big brother soon.” Griffin smiled as he shoved the last little bit of his lunch in his mouth. “I can be a big brother!” Griffin said happily. “I can teach her how to use the Force like how Kylo is teaching me! And then I can teach her how to play with all of my toys!” You breathed a sigh of relief, at least you knew Griffin wasn’t opposed to having another baby around. 

 

             It took three and a half months before Kylo had gotten the results he was looking for. You woke up feeling ill, refused both Kylo’s advances that day as you also had a severe headache. By the second day you were vomiting every two hours, and by the third you had all three symptoms going at the same time with the added pleasure of being fatigued at all hours of the day. You knew this was it, Kylo had successfully impregnated you and you were just now starting to feel the symptoms. 

            This was much worse than your pregnancy with Griffin, you had next to no morning sickness with him and you hardly felt any pain at all up until you gave birth. But this baby had made you suffer, so much so you couldn’t even get up off the couch to make Griffin breakfast or lunch, you had food sent to Kylo’s quarters instead. Griffin often asked you to play with him, or read him a story, or to help him color or something, but you could hardly even sit up with how bad your acid reflux was. You ended up telling him you were sick and didn’t have the strength to tend to him, and that's when you decided you needed the closure of knowing if you were truly were carrying the next Ren child or not. 

            While Griffin ate his dinner you excused yourself to the back where you could test your urine in peace. Just like how you did with Rey, you peed on the small white stick, left it on the counter for the test to complete its course. You moved out to the bed room to sit on your bed and bounce your leg, you weren’t sure why you were so nervous when you felt so pregnant to begin with. There was just no way you weren’t, you had let Kylo Ren win this battle over your body. Before you were so relaxed about the thought, so ready to suffer just to keep your life but now you had cold feet. There would be another battle for your life and your new child’s life in the delivery room just like there was with Griffin, and on top of that you would have to raise it along with your very confused four, almost five year old son as well as seek Kylo’s help. You wouldn’t have your partner Finn here to help you, who had already gone through this trauma once before as well as raised a child. You’d have to balance Griffin, a baby, Kylo’s childish tendencies, and likely another c section all at once. Those thoughts alone made you run to the toilet and vomit.

You decided that you could put it off no longer, you flushed the toilet and dabbed your mouth with the back of your hand, biting your cheek as you looked down at the thin white stick to, of course, see a pink plus sign; a literal positive pregnancy result. You placed your hand on your forehead, beginning to sweat and regret ever agreeing with Kylo on this stupid business deal. Now you’d have to suffer all because Kylo didn’t want to take six months to try and figure out another way to save your life. You sniffed, sadness welling up inside of you for the first time in such a long time. This wasn’t going to be easy.

Back out in the bed room you sadly abled around, trying to figure out how you’d tell Kylo and what you’d do after word. You tried so hard to see past the doom, to think about how much fun you had when Griffin was a baby, but no matter how hard you tried to picture this new child as a blessing, you could only picture it with black and blue bruises all over its body from Kylo’s hand. How could you have been so careless? So selfish? To think it would be better to bring a child into this world just for Kylo to abuse it to save your own life, all while being suffering at his hand as well as your two children? So selfish, so idiotic, you needed to correct this and correct it now before Kylo found out.

At first you weren’t sure how, you simply looked around wondering how you’d end the child’s life inside of you, put it out of its misery before it even met it’s father or mother or big brother. You gulped, stopping your tears as you went back into the bathroom looking for some medication you could take, anything that would be enough to kill your unborn child and maybe just leave you unconscious on the floor? Surely you’d bleed out and they’d be able to save your life, right? Right, that would be the best course of action, find some medication and swallow all of it, it was fool proof.

Much to your dismay, there were no pills anywhere to be found.You went through all of the drawers in Kylo’s bathroom and even went looking in the dresser that you had kept your clothes in for the pain pills you had hidden amongst your underwear, but they were gone as well. You went through both bedside tables and found nothing, your plan was thwarted. 

A sudden, rapid, heart racing thought went through your mind. Back on Larkin’s compound Giana wasn’t the only girl to have gotten pregnant during your time there. One of the other girls accidentally fell pregnant before she did, and you could remember the gruesome, bloody, and painful way Larkin aborted that girls baby right before your very eyes. It would be a stretch, a painful way of doing things but it was your only option, you had to do this, the only way to save your secondborn was to end its life.

Without any hesitation you moved to Kylo’s closet, fished through his clothes to find a traditional metal coat hanger, one that could be pulled apart and rearranged to become an instrument. You began to lose hope as you realized all of Kylo’s coat hangers were velvety and high quality, soft and docile. But as you dug deeper and deeper you found one, just one sitting under a pile of blankets and bedsheets on the floor. It must have been here for decades, they must not have found it when they updated his wardrobe, but you didn’t care. You picked it up and began to pull the aluminum apart inch by life-ending inch. This was it, there was no going back.

You were crying as you bent it into shape, sad that you were having to make this decision for yourself. It wasn’t what you wanted, it wasn’t what Finn would want you to do, and you knew for a fact that it wasn’t what Kylo wanted you to do either. But you felt as if you had zero choice, you couldn’t let one of your own kids suffer like Griffin had. You held the coat hanger in your hands, taking a last look at the positive pregnancy test on the floor. All you had to do now was follow through with your plan, there was no room for fear or pain, it was what you had to do and you had to do it now. You gripped the waistband of your sleeping pants and began to pull them down no turning back now.

Suddenly you were thrown to the floor, the hand that held the self-abortion tool was being pinned above your head and Kylo’s body was weighing you down. You started screaming, closing your eyes as you didn’t want to see the disappointment in Kylo’s face, you were caught trying to abort his second miracle child, he was going to hurt you.

“Drop it, drop it now!” He was shouting, a scuffle ensued in the closet as you tried your hardest to roll out from under him. “Y/n, let go of it!” Kylo was shouting in your ears that only caused you to scream and cry even more. “No! Kylo please just leave me alone!” Kylo’s grip changed from your wrist to the coat hanger. Even though you knew you had no chance at ridding yourself of the baby now you still held on as tight as you could for as long as you could. He ended up plucking the coat hanger from your feeble hands, then leaning up on top of you. He looked so hurt, so sad, and so shocked at the same time. “Y/n, how could you?” He said, right before breaking into tears. “My child, you can’t kill my child!” He pressed all of his body weight onto you, tucked his head into your neck and just bawled. “How. Could. You?”

This was probably the most intimate moment you had ever had with Ren. His emotions rang loud and clear, you had hurt him more than you ever had by even just putting the thought in his head that you wanted to end your unborn child’s life. You couldn’t decide what was more selfish, wanting to save your life or wanting to take one of the most important things away from Kylo. You shook your head, realizing that it was a panicked decision you had made, the hormones didn’t help much either in this situation. With Kylo’s weight pressing down on you, you remembered how hard he fought to keep you alive, and about how he’d kept his promise to you so far. He hadn’t laid a hand on you or on Griffin since you went into this deal with him. You didn’t quite know what happened to you as you made your decision to end your child’s life, but nearly all of it was false and you were regretting it now.

You wrapped your arms around Kylo, whispering ‘I’m sorry’ over and over again, hoping by some miracle he’d forgive you. You ran your fingers through his hair trying to calm his tears down, but it only made yours come even faster. Together, the two of you sobbed over your poor decision, you hadn’t even taken the time to rejoice in the fact that the two of you created another baby. 

Kylo lifted his head, staring at you with a broken and teary face. Your hands still rested in his hair as you whispered one more ‘I’m sorry’ to him, unsure of what else to do. Kylo nodded his head, taking in a breath as he shut his eyes, the two of you taking a moment to calm yourselves. You had gotten through so much worse with Kylo, surely the two of you could also overcome this lapse of judgment and misunderstanding together.

“Dress, get Griffin dressed too. I have something to show you.” Is all Kylo said before standing and leaving you alone in the closet, alone with nothing else but your tiny baby that you had grown to love so much more in those last emotional minutes with their father.

 

Kylo had taken the two of you on a walk around the base, but at some point he had Griffin cover his eyes and he held your eyes shut as well. “I had this built, just for you love.” From the noises around you, you could tell you had walked through a set of double doors. It was an odd sensation, suddenly it smelled like you were outside, you could even feel the warmth of the sun on your skin and felt like you could feel grass under your shoes. You could hear birds chirping in the background as if you had just walked outside. But obviously you couldn’t be outside, Star Killer Base was a snowy planet, if you were outside you’d be cold and wet, not warm and content.

Kylo released his hands from over your eyes, and what you saw in front of you made your jaw drop.

Standing right before you was a massive playground, bigger and brighter than any you had ever seen. There were tubes for crawling in, three slides, a swing set, a tire swing, trampoline, a ball pit, and around the entire thing was a small race way with two tricycles. It was a small child’s dream, and there was even a small fenced off area for an infant to play in, Kylo really had thought of everything.

Griffin opened his eyes around the same time as you did and screamed. Without asking he ran over and hopped on one of the bikes, zipping off into the distance around the play place where you couldn’t see him. “Kylo…” You were breathless, you couldn’t believe Kylo kept that conversation in the back of his mind. He grasped your hand, pulling you closer to him as you looked up to the clear blue sky that was over head. It was obviously some projection made to seem like you were outside, but it was still wonderful.

“I was going to present this to you a little while later, but after tonight’s events I felt it would be better to show you now.” You looked up lovingly at Kylo, a stupid grin on your face at how thoughtful he was. Once again your newly pregnant hormones kicked in and your eyes began to water. “Kylo, this is great. Thank you so much.” You wiped your eyes as Griffin came riding around the corner waving to you and screaming out to tell you to look at him, you knew he was going to be so happy from here on out. 

“I did it for you,” Kylo said as he placed his hand on your belly. “And our children.” You nodded, looking up at him once again. “I’m so sorry, Kylo. I didn’t know what came over me, I hope you can forgive me.” Your tears rolled steadily now, to think your second born would have missed out on all of this. “I understand, love. Fear is a natural reaction, I’m afraid too. I won’t lie to you.” He leaned down and kissed you and wiping your tears out of your face. “We are a family now, we can get through this together.” You nodded your head, thinking for once that maybe, just maybe, life with Kylo wouldn’t be that bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just recently started editing on Google Docs, it's great cause I can edit and write on my phone too!


	28. Dots

You watched as storm troopers searched your home high and low for any more wire coat hangers and they came back with three: one recovered from the closet and two from the bottom drawer of your dresser. You shook your head, shameful of you decision from earlier that evening to try and end your child’s life all by yourself, if anything you should have sought out medical help and hoped Kylo would have allowed it--it could have been so much more detrimental to you had you followed through with your plan.

Now you and Kylo sat in bed together. It was late, going on 3 AM and neither of you could sleep. You worried that at any moment Kylo would turn on you, start beating you out of anger for trying to rid yourself of his baby. You remembered how stressed out you were during your pregnancy with Griffin, how everyone you ever came across told you to relax. You had absolutely no idea how’d you’d be able to relax with Kylo around, your daily thoughts were plagued with the words ‘don’t upset Kylo’ when considering every action both you and Griffin were doing. Because when Kylo was upset something would be breaking; whether it be a table, a window, your bones or Griffin’s bones, there was no way to tell.

So the both of you sat on your backs staring up at the ceiling, both aware of each other’s wakeful state but refusing to address one another. That is until Kylo broke the silence with a thick sigh, turning his head and finally looking over to you. “I wish you still loved me.” Was all he said before looking back to the ceiling. You let out a sigh of your own, leave it to Kylo to make an already depressing mood even worse. “If you loved me you wouldn’t have tried to abort my baby.”

“Kylo, don’t start please.” You said, once again feeling the guilt wash over you. You could hear Kylo’s breathing stop momentarily as he closed his eyes. “Come cuddle with me please.” Kylo held out his arm for you to scoot yourself in. Your first reaction was no, absolutely not. Even though it had been quite sometime since Kylo had given you a reason to be angry at him you still didn’t want to be anywhere near him. This baby deal was all business, there was no room for love anywhere in the equation.

However, as usual you felt like the verbal apologies you had told given him wouldn’t be enough, just saying you were sorry didn’t heal your guilty conscious. You knew Kylo was so into physical affection and you knew it likely would have broken him even more if you had rejected him as painfully as you wanted to. So you decided that it would be worth it this one time to oblige him, also felt like you needed the comfort of his bare skin on you as well. You scooted into him, embracing him as he wrapped his arm around you and held you close. Had anyone walked into your bedroom at that moment they probably would have thought you and Kylo were a happily married couple. at least until they heard what came out of Kylo’s mouth next.

“Here you sit in my arms, pregnant with my child. A product normally produced from love, but you don’t love me anymore y/n. Why?” You rolled your eyes, thinking to yourself that you don’t need love to make a baby, why did he think he had to force feed you those emergency contraceptives during your first three days? Maybe his question was more about why you didn’t love him, one that you thought was just as obvious as the first fifty times he had asked it or hinted at it. The way he had treated you in the past was unforgivable, how he killed all of your friends and your boyfriend was unforgivable, and how he beat Griffin with a belt was unforgivable. You just felt like you couldn’t love a man who had done all those things. At this point, Kylo was unloveable. 

But you didn’t tell him that, too afraid you’d upset him and cause him to fly into a rage. You didn’t need that and neither did your children, so you told him something soft to mask how you truly felt about him:

“I can’t say that I love you, but I can’t say I hate you either.”It was the truth, Kylo sat in neutral territory as far as you were concerned. He had kept his distance mostly and kept his hands off of you and Griffin, and sure, he ‘saved’ your life technically speaking. There was just no reason for you to hate him at the moment, you just kept your distance and reminded Griffin to keep his as well.

“But you say it all the time, love. I know you think I’m immune to that kind of thing but it still hurts me. Especially now since you’re carrying my child.”

“I say it out of anger, Kylo. I only ever say it after you’ve done something to make me mad.” You scoffed, even though you got his point. Once again you were realizing you were becoming Kylo Ren with your words, constantly working to bring him down just as he did to you. It made you happy to hear it was hurting him almost as much as it hurt you. “Besides, you did far worse to me when you got angry.” You said with a satisfying smile, from the small hitch in his breath that you felt in his chest you could tell it got to him. “You think I’m proud my past, y/n?”

“Of course not.” You said, thinking about your own past, how you were convinced you could love the man and how you actually wanted to marry him. “Not a lot of people are.” You affirmed to him, rubbing your naked ring finger. What did Kylo ever do with your wedding ring?

 

Two days later both you and Kylo were sitting in a small, dark room, waiting for a radiologist to show up and start your first ultrasound with your new baby. Kylo had told you that morning that he sent a message out to to the hiring team within the First Order to find a top team of neonatal radiologists, labor and delivery nurses, obstetricians, and midwives to take up residency on Star Killer Base for the duration of your pregnancy. Not to your surprise, most of them had declined. But through some dubious and suspicious wording on Kylo’s part that sounded like he threatened their lives. They agreed in the end, and when the nervous young woman finally walked through the door carting a small machine that had a doppler and the controls on it you could tell that she was not her on her own will. 

“Commander Ren, Mrs. Ren.” She smiled, only looking you in the eyes and bowing her head. She sat down at the stool she pushed her cart in front and, with very shaky hands, opened a file she had carried in with her. “Okay, um. So today is Wednesday the 18th. You’re coming in for a, an um…” She looked up at you from over her glasses, as if you could help her out in her own procedure. “A routine sonogram to determine how far along you are?”

“Correct, doctor.” She jumped as Kylo spoke, drawing her attention sharply to him. “Right, okay. Um...please state your name and date of birth please?” She looked up at you, wholeheartedly looking like she was going to cry. You felt so bad for her, thinking that since Kylo could no longer threaten you he had to find someone else to threaten, he probably told all of these people that he’d kill them should any harm come to you or your new child. 

You answered all of her questions, including the ones about your past pregnancy and your expectations about this pregnancy. Then she fired up the machine and began the process of applying the gel to your exposed belly. You shivered, remembering how much you hated the cold goo from your pregnancy with Griffin. You smiled at her, trying to lighten her mood as much as she could, her being extra nervous would not do you or Kylo any good. 

“Can’t you warm that stuff next time? I don’t like my wife being uncomfortable.” 

“Um, I was not given a gel warmer, Commander. I’m so,  _ so,  _ sorry.” She profusely apologized as she set the doppler within the goo. “It’s not a big deal Kylo, it’s only for a few seconds.”

“But it’s not good for your health, or the babies health for that matter. Please, next time have a warmer.” You could tell that Kylo wasn’t angry at her, obviously she didn’t know that. Just like with the front desk man at the hotel where you and Kylo had your honeymoon, you were lucky enough to be able to tell by the pitch of Kylo’s voice when he was actually angry, and at this point you knew he wasn’t upset.

“I’ll try my best, Commander Ren.” She said before beginning to analyze the screen. 

She wouldn’t allow you to look at the screen, just like with your pregnancy with Griffin. The first ultrasound technologist told you it was to avoid showing you any abnormalities, which you were fine with. Kylo, on the other hand, was not okay with it. He took one look at you as you looked up at the sweating young woman in front of you, then got up and stepped leisurely behind her, causing her to stop and widen her eyes at the screen for two seconds before taking a shaky and near silent breath and continuing your ultrasound.

“Um, you’re measuring approximately, five weeks and three days today.” The poor woman had to clear her throat in the middle of the sentence as her voice was cracking--you genuinely felt terrible for her. You wished you could tell her everything was okay, that you and Kylo had come to an agreement that he wouldn’t get physical with anything or anyone around you, but you figured that out only set him off and make her even more uncomfortable.

“Five weeks? That’s early. I didn’t get one with my first son until I was around eight or nine.” Once again, you smiled at her, hoping that you had gained some humanity in her eyes and she wouldn’t continue to associate you with the murderer known as your ex husband. 

Some time went on, she still hadn’t shown you the screen. You figured everything was going okay, no complaints and no worries. Kylo had spoken up, however, scaring the poor woman and making her jump off of her stool. “I don’t understand why we needed to come in so early when the only thing you can see is two dots.”

His sentence had made your eyebrows furrow and your suspicions rise. Dots?  _ Dots?  _ When you were pregnant with Griffin you only had a  _ dot.  _ What the hell was Kylo talking about dots for? 

The technician once again took in a shaky breath and cocked her head to the side. With a small smile she began to speak, not turning around to address Kylo for her explanation. “Well, I wanted to consult with our head radiologist first before saying anything to you, but congratulations Ren Family. It looks like you’re having twins.” 

You watched Kylo’s face go completely white as the technician turned the screen toward you. Sure enough you were staring at a black and white screen that looked like a face; two completely black holes with small white dots in the middle of each. Twins. Two. Double. You weren’t just bringing one of Kylo’s children into the world, you would be bringing in two. It hit you like a harsh slap to the face as the technician wrote “Baby A” and “Baby B” above each sac. Boy, you were definitely not prepared for this at all.

 

“So, twins.” Kylo said as he sat down next to you at the dinner table. “Twins.” You answered back, numb to the world around you. You were examining the photos the tech had printed out for you and Kylo to keep, still in complete shock that you had two little human beings growing inside of you.

How would you survive this? Both you and Griffin barely made it out alive during his childbirth, now you’d have to do double the work of keeping your babies alive and well as well as bringing them into the word--natural birth process or not.

“You won’t have to worry about that, Love.” Kylo cut in, making it painfully obvious that he had been reading your thoughts. “I’ll make sure that both of our children are born naturally. You won’t have another surgery.” You lifted your brows at him, his plan to knock you up had worked, perhaps, too well this time. Now you’d have three children, only having to give birth twice. Some would say it’s a blessing, but you considered it to be a curse.

Kylo reached across you and grabbed one of the pictures of your babies, the one that the technician was kind enough to label “Fraternal Twins” and “Sac one” and “Sac two.” For some reason it eased your nerves to know that they were not identical, at least you wouldn’t have to work too hard to tell which one was which. 

“Can you tell if they’re boys or girls?” 

“You can’t, not this early on.” You said, leaning back in the chair. You wondered as well, would you be getting two girls or two boys, or one of each? You weren’t sure what you wanted, too exhausted to care at this point. Last pregnancy you wanted a girl and having a girl would make you very happy. You just wished it would be one girl instead of two.

Then thoughts of Finn and Rey crossed your mind, two dead people that meant so much to you and that would have been over the moon if they found out you were having twins. Rey often teased you during your pregnancy with Griffin, wishing triplets, quads, or even quints on you. You sighed as you realized she was now basically getting her wish, you just wished she could be here to see it.

Finn would be overly pleased. He had such much fun parenting Griffin with you that you’d imagine having two babies to care for instead of just one would be twice the fun for him. You leaned your head against your fist, once again feeling your depression creeping up on you. Finn was dead, he’d never know that you were bringing two new children into the world.

“Love, I really wish you’d stop thinking of those people.” Kylo said as he set the picture down on the table and walked away. You were upset, after he brutally erased their existence from their planet did he really expect you to just forget about them? “I can’t help it, Kylo. I miss my friends.”

“I understand that, love. But really, it’s time to move on. You’ve got your family back together now, you can’t dwell on them because they’re never coming back.” He said as he walked back over to you. You rolled your eyes, what an incredibly selfish thing to say. You were almost upset that Kylo hadn’t gotten to keep that one girl that you just couldn’t stand, the spy girl from back home. That woman was definitely selfish, conniving, and just a hoe in general. Kylo spent all that time calling you a whore when he spent a significant amount of time fucking one, how ironic! They were perfect for each other, both of them were obsessed with sex and were extremely selfish, you wished Kylo would have just kept her under a tighter lock and key.

Suddenly Kylo stormed back over to you, you looked up just in time to see his hands start flexing at his sides, it was obvious he wanted to put his hands on you some way, but he had made a promise, he couldn’t and wouldn’t touch you. 

“Why are you thinking of that woman?” He asked, clenching his teeth and nearly whispering to you. “What woman?” You asked, pretending to be innocent. You had known the minute that woman came up to you in the library and asked you kiss Kylo Ren for her that the rumors were true. You asked Finn and he confirmed, saying there was video and audio to confirm that they had relations. Even though you had sworn off all feelings for Kylo at the time, the thought made you livid. That woman was sent to the First Order to intercept information about them for the Resistance, instead she found her way into his bed against your advice. 

“Oh, you mean the spy that you essentially cheated on me with?” Kylo cut his eyes at you, opened his mouth to say something and then quickly closed it. He bit his lip, looked away and then looked back at you. “I haven’t the slightest clue what you’re talking about, y/n. There was no spy here.”

“Cut the crap, Kylo. You know damn well who I’m talking about!” You stood and took a step closer to him, walking a dangerous line that could get you and the children that you carried within you seriously hurt. “Your ‘assistant?’ Your assistant that you fucked nearly every day while she was stationed here?” Kylo stepped back, you now had the upper hand in this conversation. “I, I had an assistant, yes, you’re right y/n. But I didn’t ever touch her, we were still married and it would have been wrong of me to have even thought about her in that way.”

You laughed, looking down at your feet. The spy had glasses equipped with a camera in them and as well as an audio device in her arm, Kylo couldn’t deny anything when you had heard his moans and seen his naked body on top of hers. It made you sick, why would anyone want to be involved with Kylo like that? “Shut up Kylo! There’s proof, she had a camera in her glasses and always had a recording device. Everyone back at home heard and saw you fucking her every single day! They talked about it for  _ weeks  _ Kylo, don’t try and deny it!”

Something within him seemed to snap, now he was beginning to walk toward you, pressing his body against you as a way to assert his dominance in this conversation over you without actually putting his hands on you. “Okay, y/n. Yes, she and I had sex. But it wasn’t as if I loved her. The only person in this universe that I love other than Griffin and our other two children is you, you should know that!” His words were screaming love and forgiveness but his tone and actions were screaming anger and power. “Right, because asking her to be your ‘significant other’ after lying and saying I was dead means you still loved me. Of course.”

You rolled your eyes, realizing it wasn’t good to be getting this upset for the babies, you wanted to end the conversation right then and there but Kylo had other plans. As soon as you turned to go cool your temper off in the shower he hollered your name, his voice rising so loud it bounced off the walls. You turned realizing that his anger was manifested in his words and not his limbs, he was shouting at you because he couldn’t hit you or anything right now. Such a great change in demeanor from the man that you used to know.

“Why does all of this matter, y/n?” He asked, holding his arms out and shrugging his shoulders. “It’s not like you were faithful to me while we were separated. You were having sex with another person too!” You turned to face him smiling deviantly knowing you could say what you wanted without worrying about the consequences that used to exist. You thought long and hard about your response, and when you came up with the perfect response to him you said it loud and proud.

“Yeah, well at least when we came back together I didn’t pretend to love you.” You crossed the room, getting as far into Kylo’s face as you could, smiling even brighter. “Unlike you who lied to my face every single day. You don’t love me, Kylo. Just like her you only want me for my body. If you loved me you wouldn’t have fallen for such a cheap slut who had fucked everybody on our base and was only there to bring you and the Order down!”

The last part you yelled just as loud as he yelled your name, getting up on the tips of your toes to make sure you had as much of an impact as you could get. You were happy to have gotten it all off of your chest, such a heated conversation that had started from him prying into your mind when he knew he shouldn’t have been doing it in the first place. This was his fault, you wouldn’t have even been thinking about your friends had he not killed them.

Suddenly Kylo seized the front of your shirt, pulling you painfully close to him. His face was red as he snarled at you, bearing his teeth and breaking short, angry, shallow breaths. “You disrespectful, unfaithful, ungrateful little whore!” He spoke to you in a harsh whisper, the words barely making it past his teeth. Truth be told, you weren’t afraid. You were certain he wouldn’t hit you, and if he did then at least you’d then have something else to throw in his face to try and get him to let you and your three children go. He was a monster and you were an immovable mountain, he wouldn’t win this victory over you or any other battles he set forth. You were strong, you could take him at any given opportunity.

“Go on, Kylo. Hit me.” You taunted with a grin. “Hit your pregnant wife. Hit the mother of all three of your children and give me a reason to leave you!” Adrenaline and bravery pumped through your veins, you knew that you’d find a way out should he put his hands on you, your children weren’t worth his anger or the bruises that he’d inflict on you. Your confidence was extremely high and you felt like you just would never come down off of this wonderful wave.

That was until you felt his grip loosen on your shirt. He hadn’t fully let go, but you knew you had won. You had claimed one of many victories over him and you couldn’t have been more proud of yourself. You stood up for yourself and your children, and for once it finally worked.

Before Kylo had a chance to let go the blaster doors opened and in came Griffin, happily shouting that he was home with his nanny droid. As you moved away from Kylo to go greet Griffin he tightened his grip on your shirt once again, pulling you into him against your will. Before you could protest, however Kylo set his lips on yours, kissing you ever so passionately. The move disgusted you and you fought as hard as you could to work your way out of his grasp.

_ Kiss me and pretend that you love me. Make our son believe that his parents love each other. _

You squinted your eyes at him, but then you realized what he was trying to do. You heard Griffin come running around the corner and you immediately kissed him back, not like you made out with him but just a small show of affection. He wanted Griffin to believe that his parents loved and cared for each other, unlike his parents who didn’t bother to even pretend. “Mommyyyy!” Griffin exclaimed, you broke the kiss to squat down and greet him. “Welcome home, baby. Did you have fun at the playground?”

“Yeah! Droid pushed me on the swing and he helped me go down the slides!” Griffin was so blissfully unaware of what was going on. He didn’t know about the babies in your stomach and he didn’t know that he stood in the middle of a battleground.You envied him, wishing you could be as ignorant as he was, he was the lucky one here, not knowing what was going on around him must have been such an amazing feeling.

“Very good son, go take your jacket off and put your shoes by the door. Mama will make you a snack soon, okay?” Griffin nodded his head as he ran off in the direction of the front door to shed his outside clothes. As he did Kylo turned to you, grasping you by the elbow and looking into your eyes. He looked remorseful, guilty, and just generally sad. “I’m sorry.” was all he said to you, you scoffed, beginning to laugh at him just a little bit. “I know you are.” Was the only thing you said before brushing past him to Griffin’s room to help him change his clothing.

While you helped Griffin change his clothes you thought more about Kylo’s request to have Griffin see the two of you looking happy together. The more you thought, the more you realized there was a deeper meaning to his action. 

Kylo wanted a child with you because he loved you, he knew you’d make a great mother and he wanted a family. More specifically, he wanted a family unlike his. He wanted a full family, a family kept together with love, a family with a mother and a father. Your mood began to decline when it finally hit you why Kylo had been fighting so hard for your affection; he was watching the family that he created with you fall apart. He was in a loveless relationship just as his parents were and he could tell his children would suffer just as he did. He didn’t want his children growing up to hate him or you, and the only thing you were doing when you argued with him like how you did just then was turning his fears into a reality. You frowned to yourself as you thought about it; You weren’t quite sure if you wanted those fears to turn into a reality either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two babies are better than one.  
> Fun fact: They told me I was having twins too. I just about died right there in my doctors office.


	29. Fragile Ego

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to thank Cheeky_Monkey who talks to me every day and helped me think of a new part for this story, which was originally going to end a lot sooner. Only have a handful of chapters now, then the third and final story will be started!

Kylo had requested a meeting with Snoke a few short days after finding out his wife would be carrying two children instead of just one. He knew Snoke would be pleased since this would mean two more Force sensitive individuals would now be ruling at Kylo’s side and there would be no shortage of people to rule after Kylo’s death. Now that his wife was pregnant he could also start thinking of things to convince Snoke to spare her life after his twins grew up to be Griffin’s age or so, he knew his wife would be working harder than ever to take care of three children at one time instead of just two. She didn’t deserve to be killed after raising all three of them and teaching him how to father them, it just wasn’t fair.

Kylo proudly stepped through the doors to his Master’s room and was utterly disappointed and annoyed when he saw the fiery red hair of the General standing away from him, speaking to Snoke about something that he couldn’t quite hear or understand. As the doors closed Snoke lifted his eyes to greet Kylo and Hux turned and sneered at him as well, creating such a wretched and uneasy tone within the room. “Commander, you’ve called a meeting with us.” Snoke spoke as Kylo made his way further into the room.

“I’ve called a meeting with  _ you,  _ Supreme Leader.” Kylo said as bitterly as he could, taking an over exaggerated step around and in front of General Hux so he would not see him as he delivered the good news to Snoke. Snoke shook his head at the childish show put on by Ren, wanting to roll his eyes at the man. He just didn’t understand why the two of them had to bicker and argue so much. It was childish and spoke so badly on both of them and, to an extent, on Snoke himself. He had been thinking of ways to rectify the constant game of one upmanship between Hux and Ren, and while all of his options were doable only on of them stuck out in his head; one that would not only stop the childish behavior between the two leaders of the Order, but would also help Kylo see the true error in his ways as it came to his family.

This wasn’t the time to reveal it, however. He still had to formulate and think of a good way to execute it. For now, Snoke would listen to what Kylo had to say and react accordingly. 

“You’ll be happy to hear that my wife is pregnant with my children, Supreme Leader.”

“Children, you say?” Snoke said sounding very pleased, what could be considered a grin beginning to form on his old, cracked lips. “Children, Supreme Leader. She is having my twins.” 

From behind him Kylo could feel jealousy emitting from Hux, maybe not just jealousy but envy and annoyance. From under his helmet Kylo smiled, this was exactly how he wanted Hux to reaction should he have found out he now has a family, albeit not a happy, whole family, but a family that Hux didn’t have. Kylo knew he still had some work to do, especially now that he had two children to welcome into his arms instead of one. He still had hope that he and his wife would someday get along for the sake of their children, to give them a life that Kylo never had. 

“Very good, my apprentice. She asks for one and you give her two, much more than what she expected and likely too much for her to handle.” He said with a smirk that made Kylo’s cheeks redden in irritation. “No, she will be able to handle it flawlessly. I am sure of it.” It offended him that Snoke didn’t think she could handle the twins, whether he meant by just carrying them, birthing them, or caring for them he didn’t know, but he knew that his wife would be strong enough to face whatever hardships come her way. Even though Kylo didn’t like to admit it he knew that he had thrown her through the wringer several times, knocking her down into the mud and keeping her there more times than he could count. And each time her immaculate strength, courage, and spirit would shine bright. She’d simply pick herself up, dust her self off, and move onto the next feat in her path. His wife was strong, it was one of the things he admired most about her.

“I sincerely doubt that, Supreme Leader.” Hux spoke up as he stepped around Kylo, further irritating Kylo to the point where the skin on his scalp was beginning to prickle. He stood one step in front of him as he looked the hologram right into his eyes and continued his speech. “Their method of ‘caring,’” Hux cut his eyes toward Kylo for half a second and he could feel the judgment coming from Hux, whatever he was about to say was not going to be pleasant. “...and I use the word caring very lightly, is to be fucking one another while their terrified, injured son is crying out for them in the medbay.” 

Now Kylo’s cheeks were glowing red in embarrassment, he had never been happier for the mask before until now. That damned officer must have reported to Hux what he had seen in the bedroom the day he had put Griffin in the hospital. “ _ Fuck.”  _ Kylo whispered under his breath, his hands curling into hard fists at his sides ready to knock that bastard right out of the First Order once again. 

“Fuck, is indeed right, Commander. Fucking is apparently all the two of you are good for.”

“ _ Enough!”  _ Snoke bellowed from up above the two of them, immediately silencing their arguments. “Kylo, go and care for your wife. Ensure that those two children are well taken care of and do not let me down. Your wife still is not safe, even after giving birth.” A chill ran all across Kylo’s skin as the words sat still like mountains in his mind, he was running out of time, he had to save his wife and he had to think of a way fast 

 

\--

 

_ “Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you.” _

_ “Happy birthday dear Griffin, happy birthday to you!” _

Today was Griffin’s 5th birthday and just so happened to be the first day of your 5th month of pregnancy. You had baked him a birthday cake from scratch, just as he liked it. But as you told him to blow out the five candles you noticed he was so, so sad. He had hardly even cracked a smile the entire time you were singing to him, he looked so miserable. 

Griffin looked at you briefly before blowing out the candles and then laying his head in his palm. Your heart ached for him, he had grown accustomed to living here on Star Killer base but you knew that, he was missing his friends back at home on D’Qar. It had nearly been a year since you moved back in with Kylo and it was now starting to weigh heavily on him now that he was another year older. 

“I wished that I could see my real daddy.” Just as you thought, his only birthday wish was to see Finn once again. You giggled sadly, putting on a mask like you did every day for him, trying to make him believe that everything was going to be okay. “You’re not supposed to tell me your wish, silly. It might not come true now!” It humored you to think that maybe Griffin would believe his wish wouldn’t come true now that he spoke it, because it really wouldn’t. Finn was dead, long gone since before you were even pregnant. Griffin would never see the first man that he called daddy ever again.

“I don’t care.” He whined, looking down at the cake. “I wanna see daddy and I wanna go to real preschool!” With the help of your tablet you had managed to look up different learning activities with Griffin to help him stay sharp and educated, but you knew he was growing bored of those as well. He missed his beloved teacher and his friends his age, he missed the rides and walks to school instead of just staying in the house all day, he missed his home, he missed his old life. 

“Well, don’t you want some cake too? Cake for breakfast just like how we did last year at home!” 

“No mommy!” Griffin shouted as he defiantly crossed his arms over his chest. “I wanna go home I don’t want any cake!” Griffin said as he scooted himself off of the stool and stormed into his room. The poor boy had a bad attitude on the first day of his five year old journey, and there was nothing you could do to fix it. You sighed as you looked down at the cake you slaved over the night before. It had blue icing and a horrid looking dinosaur in a sailboat you had drawn on with even more icing, under it you wrote out ‘happy birthday Griffin!’ It was marble cake, Griffin’s favorite, you were hoping it would cheer him up on this sad day, but you had failed him once again.

You tried not to let it get you down too much, decided that you’d have the first bite since you had stayed up all night making it and Griffin was in too bad of a mood to want any. You cut into it, admiring your marbling abilities before taking a fork and bringing a piece into your mouth. It was good save for the heavy icing, which you didn’t particularly care for. “If big brother doesn’t want any, then we’ll have some.” You said looking down at your overly protruding belly, at five months pregnant with Griffin you could hardly tell you were expecting, but with the twins your belly stretched way over your pants. You couldn’t wait to see what they’d be like going into the 30 week mark, you wondered if you’d even be able to walk. 

Regardless, the cake tasted good and you wondered about how you could go about getting Griffin a gift without letting Kylo know at all about what you were doing. When Kylo left for work this morning he didn’t mention anything about Griffin’s 5th birthday to you, all he did was kiss you on the cheek and rub your belly. You shook your head, remembering how Kylo flawlessly recited his birthday to you back on D’Qar, you thought for sure he’d come home with some special gifts for him tonight.

Suddenly Griffin came sprinting out of his bedroom, his arms open wide open as he ran up to you and hugged your distended belly. He began to softly cry as he spoke in broken sentences. “Mommy, I’m sorry for being angry.” Since his angry outbursts have become so frequent you had to teach Griffin that being angry and upset was okay, but he absolutely could not take it out on you or Kylo Ren. He seemed to understand, especially when you told him about how fragile the babies in your tummy were. You told him that if he or Kylo ever got too loud then they could get scared and run away. Kylo laughed at your attempt to make sure Griffin didn’t stress you out, but it was the only other thing you felt you could tell him without being grossly detailed. 

“I’m sorry babies.” Griffin said as he rubbed the top of your stomach. “Please don’t run out of mommy's belly because I yelled and scared you.” He rested his forehead against your protruding navel and sighed. “I’m sorry I acted like Kylo Ren and got angry.” 

Your rubbed Griffin’s hair as he sat so close to his siblings, you were fortunate enough that when you and Kylo broke the news to him that he’d be getting two new siblings Griffin got excited. He said he couldn’t wait to teach them all about life and how to go across the monkey bars. When asked if he wanted two brothers or two sisters Griffin was sure he wanted two girls. Putting his hand on your belly and saying without a doubt in his mind that the two babies were girls. You had no reason not to believe him, just like with your pregnancy with him you refused to find out what the gender of your babies were, for the exact same reasons as well. Kylo was disappointed, he wanted to know what you were having at the very first ultrasound. But nevertheless he respected your wishes, allowing each ultrasound to go on and on without even mentioning what two babies he wanted you to produce for him.

“Here, son. Would you like a slice of cake for breakfast? Like we always do?” Griffin smiled, nodding his head frantically as he took his seat on the stool once more, you cut him a slice of cake and cut yourself one more as well, you were carrying two times the number of babies so you obviously needed two times the food to keep them healthy, right? Right. Together, the two of you engaged in one of the best traditions your old family had started, and for a split second you could have sworn you and Griffin were right at home. 

 

After getting cleaned up and dressed you decided to take Griffin to the playground as you so often found yourself doing. Especially after eating all that sugar, Griffin needed to go burn it off so he could still nap today. On your way over you listened to Griffin ramble on and on about whatever his heart desired, about what it was like to be five or how much he’d miss being four, or all about his favorite dinosaur; A conversation you had with him almost every day since the day he learned how to say and spell “Pterodactyl.” 

“And mommy! My new friend told me about the dark side of the Force, the light side of the Force, and the grey side of the Force!” That line caught you quite off guard, for a few reasons. You addressed the part that worried you the most first, who was this ‘new friend’ and where did he meet such a person? 

“My new friend comes to visit me some nights in my room after you and Kylo Ren go to sleep.”

“Oh, really? What’s his name?” Internally you were panicking, worrying that someone was able to break into your house and have access to Griffin while you were asleep. “Anakin Skywalker!” He exclaimed happily. Anakin Skywalker, also known as Darth Vader. You shook your head as he went on to tell you all about how Anakin thought Griffin was a grey jedi and needed to stay grey or go light, that going dark was such a bad thing and how he begged Griffin to not be like his father. You had known that damn mask was talking to him, you had told Kylo several times to remove it but obviously that hadn’t happened. You wondered if Kylo was keeping the helmet in there for a reason, maybe he was wanting it to speak to Griffin because he thought it would be influencing him to go to the dark side, the bastard. You were happy that, at the very least, the mask was having a good influence on your son, you didn’t think you’d be able to live knowing one of your kids was just as evil as their father.

You decided not to pay Griffin much attention, you didn’t want to let on about how much you had come to know about the Force, likewise you didn’t want to encourage him to go one way or another. Anakin Skywalker would be a huge influence on him and you were sure he would win over Kylo any day, you had seen first hand Kylo’s struggles with the light side and knew it would tear him straight down the middle one day. You knew nothing of the Force and felt it wasn’t your place to try and educate him about it, that’s why you had allowed Kylo to train him.

When you made it to the playground you had discovered that someone else had discovered your families little get away spot. At first sight of his bright red hair you took a step back, wanting to pull Griffin out of there. But the sound of the doors opening seemed to have drawn his attention to you. He stood and smiled, holding his hand out to the two of you. “Wait, don’t go.” He asked, taking a few steps toward you. “Hear me out, please Lady Ren.” He begged you to stay as Griffin was looking up at you quite confused. “Mommy, I want to go play!” Griffin said as you began dragging him away from the park. 

“I come in complete peace, I offer you gifts!” 

“Birthday gifts!” Griffin tore out of your hand as he charged toward General Hux who was now holding a book out to him. “Griffin, wait!” You said as you waddled as fast as you could after him, but it was too late, Hux was placing the book in his hands with such a slimy smile, it made you so sick. “For you, the birthday boy.” He said loud and proud, the smile on Griffin’s face was huge. “Thank you, mister!” Griffin was saying as you were making your way over to the two of them. “Hello, mother!” Hux said happily, looking at you as if he hadn’t tortured you and tried to rape you some time ago. 

“What do you want!?” You shouted at him, moving Griffin behind your back as you heard him pronouncing the word “Fossils” slowly.  

“I saw that your boy’s birthday was today, and I figured you’d be bringing him by here and I wanted to present the youngest, most valuable member of the First Order with a gift.” You cut your eyes at him just as Griffin had finished reading the title of his book out loud:  Fossils and Dinosaurs

“Yay! Mommy I got a book about Dinosaurs!” It was too late, you couldn’t take the book away from him now. You shook your head as you realized something wasn’t right. There was no reason for a man that hated you, considered you to be a Resistance spy, and tried to rape you to be so nice to you and your son. “But wait, it would be unfair for him to get a gift and not your two other children, right?” He produced another small box from a bag he kept with him, opened it to reveal two black onesies with red First Order logos on them. “Two matching baby shirts for the next two members of the First Order to be born, so they can know their perfect place.” Hux said, looking at you for approval. He looked so innocent, so genuine that you almost began to let your guard down. But the next trick he had up his sleeve made your skin crawl so much so you almost passed out right in front of him.

“And a gift for you, mother.” Once again, he pulled out a long skinny black box. He lifted the top and dipped his fingers in it to reveal a thornless black dyed rose. He held it out to you for you to accept but you moved your hand away, this depraved man was really trying to win your affection with a damned rose! Seeing your hesitation he brought it back, setting it up against his lips and placing a small, near silent kiss on the soft petals. 

“Please, accept it as an apology for my actions a few years back.” Hux said as he set the flower on your cheek, running it across your skin and toward your lips like he was attempting to transfer the kiss from him to you using the rose. Before you ever let him touch your lips with it you snatched it from his hands, taking a step back and admiring the rose in your hands. It was very beautiful and thoughtful of him to give all four of you these gifts, especially since Kylo had forgotten both your birthday and Griffin’s. You looked at him with suspicion in your eyes, wishing you knew what his motives were, everything was just so strange.

“I don’t know what’s up with you, Hux.” You cut in, noting that Griffin had run out from behind you and was no perched on the top of the slide reading his new book, now you couldn’t leave. “But I won’t be accepting your apology. I will, however, accept this gift. Not because I want it,” You smiled slyly at him, knowing that the next words out of your mouth would make both you and him happy. “but because it will make my ex husband angry.” 

“Excellent.” Hux said in a near whisper, moving to take your hand in his. What did he think this was? A dating show? Did he think that because the Stockholm Syndrome worked so well with you that it would work just as well with him? That one day you’d love him for some reason? That definitely would not work for you, you wanted nothing to do with him or anyone in the First Order for that matter. You ended the interaction right then and there, moving around him to sit in the bench and observe your son read quietly on the jungle gym. Before he left, you did decide to have the last word: “Don’t you ever come near me or my children ever again.” You said to him, happy that Griffin was too engrossed in his book to be paying any attention to you and your passive aggressive conversation with General Ginger. All Hux did was nod to your request, and with a small smile he left you alone.

 

The next evening Kylo had finally noticed the birthday cake when he went into the fridge looking for a beer while you cooked dinner a few feet away. Out of the corner of your eye you watched him open the fridge then take a look out at you. Without breaking his gaze on you he closed the fridge then walked up to you without the beer he was looking for. “You didn’t tell me it was his birthday, I could have gone out and gotten him a present.” You smiled as you stirred the sauteing vegetables one more time before pouring in the special sauce concoction you were going to add. “ _ Yesterday,  _ was his birthday.” 

“Well why didn’t you tell me then? I missed my own child’s birthday.” He asked in disbelief as he proudly displayed the hurt look on his face. “I thought you knew, you told me his birthday when we reconnected on D’Qar. March 24th at 8 in the evening.”

“If I knew I would have gotten him a gift, y/n. You need to tell me these things.” You shrugged, not wanting to continue the conversation any further. Ren stared at you for a few more moments before turning away and greeting his son in the living room. You listened closely to the conversation:

“Hey, Griffin. Happy birthday!”

“Thank you.”

“I’m sorry that daddy forgot about your birthday.”

“It’s okay.”

“How old are you now? Six?”

“I’m five.”

“Five, how wonderful.”

There was a pause, you were silently giggling about the fact that Griffin was still looking at all the pictures in his new book that he didn’t want to hear Kylo’s bullshit apologies either. How many times had you told him Griffin was four? And he still thought he had turned six? So pathetic.

“Where did you get that book? Did mommy give it to you for your birthday?”

“No.”

“Well, where did you get it?”

“The man with red hair gave it to me at the park.”

Oh, boy. You could almost feel your eye beginning to swell and be sore from the beating you were about to get from Kylo. You tried to act like you hadn’t heard the conversation at all as Kylo came nearly sprinting into the kitchen and right up to you. “What is he talking about y/n? Who gave him that book?”

“I haven’t the slightest idea what you’re speaking of Kylo.” You said as you moved the hot pan off of the stove burner. “Who gave him the book about fossils?” 

“You heard him, Kylo. The man with red hair. He also gave the twins this--” You handed him the two onesies as well as got the box your rose was in. “And he gave me this.” Kylo’s eyes widened as you opened the box and showed him the rose. His mouth fell open as he looked from you back down to the rose, then closed as he snatched the box from your hand. “That man has no business giving my family gifts.” Along with the rose he snatched up the baby clothes and marched out into the living room. You followed after him knowing what he was about to do, telling him to stop and to not worry about it, but of course Kylo did what he wanted to do.

He snatched the book right out of Griffin’s hands, Griffin looked up in surprise as he shouted ‘hey!’ at his father. “Daddy will get you another one, a better one, Griffin.” 

“No! That’s my book!” Griffin said as he jumped up and ran after Kylo, now beginning to cry. “Kylo come on! That’s not necessary, it’s a damn book. Just let him have it.” 

“Absolutely not.” Kylo said. With tears in his eyes Griffin held out his hand and willed the book out of Kylo’s arm slowly with the Force, the strain he was putting in his lip told you he was pulling on it hard. Kylo simply turned and yanked the book from out of the air, his physical strength no match for Griffin’s small Force hold. “Daddy will get you a different book, Griffin. Just hold tight.”

“I don’t want a different book! I want  _ that  _ book!” Griffin was angry, his face was turning red as he shouted at Kylo who was now walking out the front door. You shook your head as Griffin’s scries filled the room around the sound of the blaster doors closing. Kylo was so unfair and his ego was so easily broken. The only thought that ran clear in your mind was that none of this would happen if Kylo had just remembered his birthday.


	30. Relax

The days went by agonizingly slow over the next five months. You and Kylo both simply lived and put up with each other for the rest of your pregnancy, not going out of your ways to say more than five or six words to each other at a time. “How was work?” You’d ask him when he would come home, Griffin hanging on his leg and hugging him tight. “Work was alright.” He’d reply, reaching down to rub Griffin’s hair and pull him off so he could sit down and wait for dinner. 

Each day your belly grew and grew, and each day you could have sworn your children were fighting inside of you. The baby on the left, “Twin A” as they were known as, was wild. Kicking and punching and pushing on your navel and bladder every chance they got, you often had to stop what you were doing to relax and recover from the pain on the left side of your abdomen. The baby on the right, “Twin B,” was much more relaxed and docile, you often hated to think that Twin A was beating on them when most of the time they stayed quite still. Of course there were times when they were both beating each other, causing you so much grief you almost begged Kylo to take you for another C section that instant. The only thing he’d do was smile at you, place his hand on your belly and rub until at least one of them calmed, most often Twin B first and Twin A following them. 

“I put those children there, I should be suffering with you.” He would say as the babies kicked his hand. “They are strong.” He noted, you looked at him with the most annoyed expression on your face. “If only you could feel them inside of you.” You said, chuckling at yourself. What a stupid thing for Kylo to say, it wasn’t as if he had been feeling their strength every day for the last 8 months.

Now here you were, 9 months pregnant with Kylo’s set of second miracle children. You were sitting at the dinner table with your sketch pad on your belly, working on a drawing of the twins you had started when you got your last ultrasound. One of the Twins was facing down while the other was still facing up, in their own sacs they were still pressed so close to one another, head on feet and feet on head. It was something so amazing, you hadn’t made it this far with Griffin and you were just amazed. Technically you were full term, come tomorrow you’d be a day overdue. Kylo had kept his word, he kept his children safe and sound and he kept his hands off of you and Griffin the entire time.

Kylo sat on the floor in the living room with Griffin, teaching him some meditation techniques that help with Force control. He had taken the last month off work, only replying to messages and phone calls when he needed to. He had told you that he’d hate to not be home when you went into labor, leaving you contracting and having to care for Griffin. It was a welcomed gesture, you were alone when you went into labor the first time and it was very scary, although you were more prepared this time around you were happy to have the adult company--even if it came from someone you didn’t particularly care for. 

You took in the quiet for once, your men sat on the floor with their eyes closed breathing in deeply and exhaling loudly, it was so serene. Your pencil glided across the paper, finishing the light and thin hairs on Twin B’s hairline, you assumed that since you carried them full term that they’d both have a head full of black hair. You had drawn Twin A’s face pressed against Twin B’s legs while Twin B had their face in Twin A’s knees. Like Yin and Yang, a balance brought to your small, growing family.  

Although you were worried about the Twin that was facing up not flipping when you went into labor, the technician told you not to worry, there were tricks to flipping babies and if worst came to worst they could always remove them via C section. You desperately didn’t want another section, but if suffering for a few days meant your babies would come out healthy then you’d go under the knife at the drop of a hat. 

“Without opening your eyes, tell me what mommy is doing.” Kylo cut the silence without opening his eyes as well, instructing Griffin to use the Force and look at your drawing. “I see...I see the babies.” Kylo’s lips quirked into a smile at his response. “What is she doing with the babies?” 

“Ummmm….” Griffin said, closing his eyes even tighter. You felt a small tickle at the back of your head, Griffin was trying to let himself into your mind to see what you were doing in full view. You let him in, it was a request by his father so you allowed him to see your thoughts this one time. “I still see the babies.” Griffin said, relaxing just a bit, satisfied with his own answer. Kylo opened his left eye just a bit, looking over at you with your sketch book in your hand. “Look deeper, Griffin. Read mommies thoughts and feel her actions. Griffin adjusted himself on the floor and once again squeezed his eyes tight, really trying to focus in on you and your thoughts. 

You could feel the Force run through your head, down your neck, and into your hands. Your pencil shook as did your sketch book, Griffin was feeling his way around in a very crude and uncontrolled way. You laughed as you let go of the book, letting Griffin suspend it with the Force in your lap. 

“Oh! She has her drawing book!” Griffin smiled as he lifted the book further in the air, calling it over to him. “She’s drawing a picture of my baby sisters!” His grin became wide as the book sloppily floated over to him and hovered over his head and when his eyes opened it fell into his lap. He squealed excitedly as he took ahold of your book and held it up, Kylo smiled proudly at him, both of you knew Griffin had grown exponentially over the last few months in the Force and it was all thanks to his proud father. 

“I got it right daddy! Look, she was drawing a picture of the babies!” You shook your head at your silly boy, he swore up and down your two babies were girls. You really had no reason to believe or doubt him, they could be two girls or they could not, you would just accept what you got when they were born and hope Griffin wouldn’t be too disappointed if they weren’t girls.

Griffin had been calling Kylo Ren ‘daddy’ more often as your pregnancy progressed, much to your disappointment. It had some to do with Kylo always referring to himself as daddy to him and to his unborn siblings, also with how close the two had become in the Force. It seemed like, as Kylo and Griffin trained more often in the Force, their father and son Force bond became stronger and stronger and Griffin would call him ‘daddy’ automatically. It carried into your day to day life, sometimes Griffin would tell you all about what he and Kylo Ren practiced the day before, and other times Griffin would talk about how his daddy took him to get ice cream after his Force training. It bothered you so much at first, but then you realized that, much like everything else in your new lifestyle, it was completely out of your hands. Griffin along with his two new siblings would be referring to him as ‘daddy’ whether you liked them to or not.

Later that evening, after putting Griffin to bed you were sitting at the kitchen counter going over your list of things you still needed to get for the Twins. You huffed as you eyed the ‘rooms!’ line that you had double underlined and bolded, you had brought it up to Kylo several times that all three kids were not going to be able to sleep in one room, the Twins would be crying all night waking up Griffin and subsequently making him grumpy. You didn’t know what you wanted Kylo to do, whether it was knock another hole in the wall and make one more room or move the entire family somewhere else, you just wanted him to do something.

Kylo came up behind you just as you were screaming at him in your head. “Coming to bed?” He asked, eyeing your sketch book and you list before reaching around you to rub your belly. His nose pressed up against your neck as he placed a small kiss on your vertebrae, you willed the goosebumps away and the need to seek his comfort. “Maybe later. I’m just going over my, er, list.” You said as one of the babies kicked you in your lung, causing you to take in a sharp breath. “What else do we need for them?” Kylo asked, his warm breath chasing your unwanted goosebumps away. “Basic stuff, we could use more diapers and some more bottles, and we need to figure out where we’re going to keep them.” You suggested mildly as you tapped your pen on your sketch book. “We have two cribs but don’t have any place to put them, they’re going to have to sleep in the living room until you figure out how to get another room.” You said trying your best to harden your facade and be intimidating.

You turned to face Kylo who was staring back at you with just as much sympathy as you expected from his soft voice and attempts to get on your good, soft side. Your rock hard, uncaring demeanor dropped almost immediately upon seeing his face. You couldn’t help but to smile at him, thinking about how much he truly did care about you and the family you had built together. As you smiled like an idiot in his arms you desperately searched for something to erase it off of your face, something that he had done recently to make you angry. But you could think of nothing, the only things you could think of was how he carried Griffin on his shoulders around the base, or about how he gave you a massage when your lower back was in a lot of pain, or even how he offered to keep Griffin occupied while you napped. Kylo was being a good husband and a good father, you had nothing to fault him on.

It felt so good to be held in such a loving way, after being kicked from within at all hours of the day, being jumped on like a human playground, and having to do almost all the cooking and cleaning (Kylo had often told you he could hire a maid, but you had only taken him up on his offer one or two times), you were beat, your body ready to expel your children and just call it a night. As much as you wanted to pull away from him, you went against all instincts and relaxed in his arms, exhaling loudly on his shoulder and wrapping your arms around him, hugging him back and showing your appreciation in taking the time to just love you. “We’ll get it figured out, love. You don’t need to stress.” You sighed, what difference would stress make? You had already gone full term, the babies could be coming any minute now.

“What would make you happiest? What do you want me to do?” He asked, once again very softly, although you guessed that he was irritated with you for bringing up the topic once again. You shrugged. “I don’t know, but you can’t possibly think it’s practical to have them sleeping with Griffin, do you?” He shrugged as the two of you had a stare off. “I don’t know, I don’t know much about parenting.” You sighed, dipping your head and resting your forehead on his chest. “Kylo, you’re hopeless.” 

“I may be hopeless but at least I still try.” You weren’t quite sure what he was trying to say, but you decided not to dwell too much one it. Instead you sat in his arms, albeit at an awkward angle as your stomach stuck straight out in front of you. “I love you, y/n.” He almost whispered to you. You smiled, indeed feeling quite loved. It almost made up for all the bullshit he had put you and Griffin through in the beginning, keyword almost. 

“Do you feel the same way?” Kylo asked you, your eyes opened as you contemplated how to answer him. The last time you had a related thought you had decided you didn’t love him, but couldn’t hate him. Now what? How would you answer him now? This was Kylo’s loving side that you had been living with for the past few months, the side that cared about your well being and was not selfish at all. This was the side of Kylo that you loved, hands down. Had you not been familiar with the other side of him, the side that lost control and got angry all too quickly, taking that overflow of anger out om you and all of the other people around you, you probably could have said you loved him anytime he wanted to hear it. The only way you’d be able to say that yes, you loved Kylo Ren, was if you could trust that the bad side of Kylo would never come out again and that you and your children could live happily with this man forever.

But of course, Kylo could never promise you that. Just like your wedding ring Kylo was a beautiful man that was made up of nothing but broken promises no matter how small.

Kylo’s arms wrapped around you tighter as he sighed. “Of course, love. I understand.” You stood still and listened to his words, realizing he had been listening to your thoughts this entire time. “You don’t have to say it out loud, but I still understand. You love me for who I really am, not for who I can become.” You bit your lip, looking up at him as if you were embarrassed by your own thoughts that you kept in your head for a reason. “It’s understandable, love. I don’t love myself either when I’ve treated my family so poorly.” A small smile broke over your lips, at least he understood your hesitation. His hands left your waistline in favor of your own hands, pulling you out to the bedroom. “Come, let's go to bed.”

“Wait.” You protested, turning around and stepping away from the counter as to not smack your swollen tummy against the granite.You swiped your sketch book off of the counter and flipped through the pages till you got to the drawing of the twins. “Here,” You carefully ripped the page out of its binds and handed it to Kylo who accepted it without any question. “So you don’t have to steal it again.” You said before turning on your heel and waddling back to the bedroom. Kylo still hadn’t admitted to stealing your self portrait so many years ago, but you knew he did and you knew he had it hidden away somewhere around here with the photo you had drawn of him. Now all he needed was a drawing of Griffin and his perfect family would be complete.

 

\--

 

Whenever Kylo needed a laugh he would replay the surveillance footage of him “returning” the gifts Hux had gotten for his family. That day would forever go down as one of the most amusing days Kylo had ever experienced. 

He had angrily carried the clothes, book, and rose to Hux’s office where he knew he’d be at that hour. It disgusted Kylo to his soul to think that Hux had just walked up to his pregnant wife and his son and handed them these gifts as if he wasn’t Kylo’s rival. It spoke volumes of what Hux thought of Kylo and Kylo didn’t dwell too long on what Hux could have been trying to accomplish, the answers all made Kylo so angry he wanted to hit something. He wouldn’t let Hux get away with this, the only thing he wanted was to walk even faster to Hux’s office.

Once he finally got there he dropped all of the items at his door, smiled as he pulled out the lighter he used to light candles at home and lit the rose first, then the book fanning the flames so that the fire could spread. Kylo wished he could have stood there and watched the fire grow, but he didn’t want to be around when Hux emerged, fearing Hux would try to take him in a fight or kill him for lighting his office door on fire.

So he ran back home, that same night pulling the surveillance footage and watching Hux jump back, trying to stomp out the flames only to have his pant leg catch on fire. He fell into his office just as the Fire department of the Order showed up to extinguish the flames. 

Kylo definitely needed Hux’s comedic show after the midwife told him and his wife that Twin B was still in a breech position while Twin A was still sitting head down. She explained the complications that could arise and recommended a second cesarean section for the delivery of both babies, to which Kylo took a look at his terrified, overdue wife and firmly stated that another c section was completely off the table. His wife looked over at him even more worried, especially when the midwife urged that breech deliveries can turn out very traumatic for both the mother and baby and can cause life-threatening complications. Kylo leaned forward and looked the midwife in the eye, remembering the sight of the crooked scar on her abdomen and what he had told him about the harsh recovery of the surgery. “Everything that you can to avoid one, I don’t want her going under the knife unless it’s absolutely necessary.” The midwife gulped, took a look at his wife, then looked down at the chart. “O-Okay Commander Ren. I’ll write that down in her chart.” She said nervously. From there, and induction date was scheduled for the following week and the pair was sent on their way back to their home. Kylo looked down at his wife’s worried expression, her hands nervously rubbing her stomach up and down. He sighed, realizing he might have been a little too tough on the midwife during her appointment, he had to make it up to her somehow.

“Hey y/n, do you want to see something funny?” He asked as he pulled out his tablet, beginning to load up the video of Hux once again.

 

The very next night Kylo woke up to a sharp hissing noise, something that sounded like water being spilled on his carpet. He opened his eyes, turned his head toward the noise to find his wife with her legs spread and a liquid spilling from under her nightgown. He sat up, the horrifying thought of her standing there pissing on his carpet filling his mind and making him panic. “Love! What are you-”

Suddenly she looked up at him, a look of dread hung on her face as the water dribbled to a stop. “My water, Kylo.” She said glumly, stepping out of her puddle. “It’s broken, the babies, they’re on their way.” The tiredness prevented him from fully understanding what was happening, but eventually her words hit him and he sprang out of bed. “Your water, right!” He ran up to her, accidentally stepping her in her warm amniotic fluid causing a wet squishing sound, but he didn’t care. He needed to be there for his wife and he was determined to do just that even if it meant he had to sit in amniotic fluid.

 

Kylo had called the midwife who told him to come into the medbay as soon as his wife felt comfortable, to just relax and time the contractions as best as he could and if he thought anything, absolutely anything, was going wrong to rush her immediately to the medbay. They would have everything ready for them when they got there and were ready anytime.

Kylo arranged for a droid to sit in Griffin’s room and keep him under wraps and quiet while he and his wife worked together to progress through her labor, the last thing they needed was him to be awake as well, asking questions and making requests they couldn’t fulfill while his wife was contracting.

Y/n sat down on the bed and seemed to do nothing, nothing at all. She was just staring at the wall with her hands on her belly, like she was disassociating from the world around her. “Y/n?” Kylo asked, walking up to her with his hand out. “Are you alright?” She nodded her head as a tear fell down her face. “Are you in pain?” Kylo had seemed to remember women having pain when giving birth, he always thought that, the second his wife’s water would break she’d be on the floor in extreme pain, he thought he would have to pick her up and carry her to the medbay. 

But no, she shook her head and just calmly looked at him. “I haven’t started contracting yet.”

“Well, what do you want to do? Do you want to go to the medbay now? The nanny droid should be here shortly.” She shook her head. “Th-The midwife said we should stay here and relax, I want to just...relax.” Y/n said as she lay completely back horizontally over the bed, her legs still dangling over the side of the bed. “Relax, yes. Of course I can relax.” Kylo said as he sat down next to her, taking her hand in his and laying back next to her. “Relax. We can both relax while we wait for the babies to get here.”

 

Three hours had passed and now the two of them sat completely naked in the bathtub, y/n’s contractions had shown up ten minutes after the two of them had lay down in bed and he did his best to distract her while she was in pain. He held her hands and spoke to her softly as she winced in pain, every fifteen minutes or so she’d get hit with a contraction, close her eyes, and start breathing through her mouth. She was fine with just walking back and forth in the room, down the hall and back to the bedroom at first, but a time came where she was in so much pain she wanted to do nothing but sit in a tub full of warm water. Kylo filled the tub as fast as he could, helping her step over the boundary and sink into the water. Kylo undressed as well, sinking into the tub behind her. 

Together they endured labor, he used a cloth to wipe the sweat off of her forehead from time to time, he held her hand, he kissed the back of her neck, and praised her for how well he thought she was doing whenever he found he needed to. Every time a contraction hit she’d squeeze his hand, lean her head back into his chest and do her breathing. Kylo felt so weak and powerless, there was nothing he could do to take her pain away and it frustrated him.

At some point she had a contraction so bad that she bent her back so far her head was laying on his shoulder, she groaned out loud, nearly screamed in his ear, the sound echoed sadly off the walls and Kylo felt like he was going to cry. Her free hand gripped the side of the tub and squeezed so hard her knuckles turned white, his poor, pained wife. “Love, you’re doing amazing, I’m so proud of you. You’re so strong and you’re doing a great job.” He whispered in his ear before her hands went flying to her belly. Doubled over in pain, she grit her teeth and yelled once again, Kylo knew those babies would be here sooner rather than later.

“Please, love, let’s go to the medbay now. There’s no use prolonging it anymore when you’re in so much pain.” Kylo stood, looked down at his wife with her face practically tucked into her belly. The only indication he saw that she had answered his question was one small, frail, nod.

 

All too soon Kylo was holding her right leg for her as she was pushing. She refused the epidural and pushed through the pain. She had been pushing for a full half an hour before any progress was made, the midwife said she could see Twin A’s hair coming down and y/n was close to having one baby out. Kylo had been avoiding looking down in between her legs, for some reason he was nervous and squeamish at the sight--he had no idea why. He had seen some of the most gruesome deaths imaginable, but he couldn’t stand the thought of watching his own child being born naturally.

“Have a look, Commander. Don’t you want to see your first Twin come down? It looks like within the next few pushes Twin A will be here!” Kylo gulped, the midwife was smiling at him from between her legs. This was a once in a lifetime opportunity, Kylo thought he should at least see one child being born for the sake of fatherhood. He waited a few pushes, then took a glance down under y/n’s maternity gown. The sight was horrific. Blood, flesh, black hair, and substances of all colors that Kylo couldn’t identify. Kylo felt his breath stop, he couldn’t force any air out or into his lungs. His vision began to grow black as he felt himself beginning to fall backward. The sight had proven to be too much for him to handle as he hit the floor unconscious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't blame Kylo for passing out. I'm sure if I got to see what was going on during my own birth I would have passed out too.


	31. Sadly Familiar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got my very first piece of fan art, a picture of Hux on fire from last chapter lol. The artist was kinda afraid of posting it, so I drew a very terrible version of it too. Mine is on the left, theirs is on the right. Peep the comments section for a copy and I hope it makes you laugh.

You could remember a time when you meant very little to Kylo, when he used you for nothing but sex and to hear the words “I love you.” It had been a few days, maybe three, maybe four? After your first day back on Star Killer the days mostly blended together, but it was early enough that you were finally letting go of the idea of either fighting your way out or waiting to be rescued.

This particular day you were sitting on one of his dining room chairs in your night gown, you had your head resting in your arms up on the windowsill just watching the snow falling, resting on the ground and on the trees, bushes, and rocks that sat right outside of Kylo’s quarters. You wish you had known that nearly a year to that day you’d be falling out of that window, only to be rescued by your boyfriend Finn a few days later. Had you known for a fact that you would be rescued eventually, you probably would have had much higher spirits while in Ren’s custody. 

The snow was falling, everything was so quiet and serene, you were peaceful even though you knew Kylo would be walking through the door any minute now. So you sat and waited, he always got home around six pm or so, and it was going on 5:57 now. You sighed, you still didn’t understand what you did in life to deserve this horrid fate. That the short amount of time you had spent on Star Killer with Kylo he had beaten you one or two times, raped you at least once a day, and constantly,  _ constantly,  _ had so many negative words to say about you. Once again, had you known he’d be worshiping you, saying he loved you all the time, and begging you to love him back one day it probably would have been bearable, but on this particular day it just wasn’t. You were depressed, you felt worthless, you felt like the only way to escape this prison was to die somehow some way.

But you weren’t looking for a way to die at the moment, you were just quietly watching the snowfall.

Kylo walked into the house, causing you to blink after the longest time. You kept your eyes shut as you heard his boots make their way into the kitche, heard his helmet unlatch and be placed loudly on the kitchen counter. The sound caused you to turn around, too afraid he was currently trapped in a rage and was ready to take it out on you. You were met with Kylo staring back at you, he looked pretty calm and content as he swept some dust off of his helmet, eyes locked with yours and burning with desire. He didn’t have you every day after work, but it was most days and you had no reason to believe he wouldn’t want your body this evening.

He began walking toward you and you turned your head back to the snow, praying to everything and everyone you owned that he wouldn’t want sex tonight. Your heart began racing in your chest as you heard him getting closer and closer to you, you shut your eyes pretending that if you couldn’t see him he couldn’t see you; Maybe this one time he’d leave you alone, he’d see your fear and see your interest in the snow and leave you alone, let you just relax in front of this big window for the rest of the evening.

But of course, it’s Kylo and he brought you here for a reason. That reason was not for you to sit in front of a large window and watch the snow peacefully.

He grabbed your wrist and tugged, not even looking at you. You didn’t need his looks to tell you he expected and silently demanded you to follow him. Your bottom lip trembled as you rose from your comfy chair, wordlessly bidding your snowy landscape goodbye and promising you’d come back after Kylo was done doing what he felt he needed to do to you.

This time, you tried to fight him. Wiggling about, bending your arms and legs in every direction trying desperately to wiggle out from under him. This particular day you wanted nothing to do with him and you’d try anything to get him away from you. He was pinning your arms down, trying to hold your legs still with his own and it wasn’t working in his favor. You were doing such a good job, had almost completely rolled out from under him until he grasped you by the neck and pinned you to his pillow, shouting right in your ear to hold still. You had done nothing but anger him in your sad attempt to get away, now you’d have to pay the price.

He didn’t care for removing your night gown this evening, simply slid it up your legs and began sliding into you, easily explained why he never allowed you to wear underwear. This is the part that always hurt the most, the part that made you push away from him, trying to slide up the bed and away from his erect cock. In the beginning he never went out of his way to make you wet or prepare your for him, he always forced his way into your dry channel and caused you a lot of pain. It was always so shameful when your body would slicken up for him, an involuntary response to the friction and stimulation and he’d speed up. You had no idea what he was thinking, if the fact that physically he was the reason why you were wet made him think you loved him or what not, but it was embarrassing. To know that at one point in time in the future you’d want him to be doing this you would have killed you.

Kylo finished in you only after he commanded you to tell him that you loved him twice, raising your arm above your head and kissing the scar from your birth control implant, it always burned after he did. Had you known that you’d be giving him not one, not two, but three children, you probably would have done a better job at running away when you jumped out the window. He pulled himself out of you and moved to the closet to change into some comfier clothes, you simply sat up and watched, wondering how one man could just be so evil, so abusive, and enjoy bringing harm to such a helpless person such as yourself.

You cried, you couldn’t help your tears as they fell so ungracefully to the floor compared to the snow falling to the ground outside. You tried to keep it quiet, Kylo didn’t take well to your tears. You’d find out later that it was because, at this point in time, Kylo genuinely loved you and he hated seeing you cry. He hated doing the things he did to you but felt like it was the only way for you to feel loved. He was a psychopath, and had you known you were going to get away only for him to kidnap you back into his arms just for him to do almost the same thing? You probably would have been so far gone by now.

“What are you crying for?” He came back over to you, now dressed in a black T shirt and some sweat pants. You looked up at him, but not before you saw him wind his arm back. You closed your eyes as the palm of his hot and heavy hand made contact with your cheek, causing you to flinch away and cover the assaulted area with your own palm, it only made the tears come faster. 

Kylo seized you by your nightgown, almost lifting you into the air as close to his face as he could get you, he was angry, his eyebrows knit down toward his nose told you to expect some sort of ache whether it be in your heart from his words or on your body from his hands. “Do you know how many men and women would kill to be in your position right now? Do you know how many people want me?” Kylo said, being cocky as ever. To this date you only knew of two people that wanted him, that crazy lieutenant and the crazy spy in the Resistance. You realized that’s probably why you never wanted him, you simply were not crazy.

It was typical for you to just sit there and let his words get the best of you, to shrink away and just let his abusive words leave bruises on your already destroyed and next to nonexistent ego. But for whatever reason on this day you felt a burning need to stand up for yourself. You cleared your throat and in a weak attempt to make yourself seem stronger than you really were you wiped the tears from your eyes, if this would be the only thing you’d get to say to defend yourself you’d have to make it good.

“Why can’t you go get one of those people to be here with you? Why do you have to do these things to me?” You said it loud and proud, fully expecting him to lash out at you for speaking up now. You could almost feel the tingle on your cheek, then the sting, then the heat from him slapping you once again. You closed your eyes almost immediately, but had to crack them open when you didn’t even hear Ren moving at all. He was just standing there, looking at you with a slightly bothered expression on his face. His upper lip was raised in a snarl, he looked angry but not so far gone he was ready to beat you, and you were happy for it.

“Because,” He said, reaching toward your arm and pulling you toward the bathroom, he never liked it when you allowed his cum to seep so far down your leg, too worried it would stain his carpet and furniture. “I don’t want anyone else. I want you.” He pushed you in and then closed the door, not giving you any instructions on if he wanted you to shower or just wash up. On this day you took what he said for fact, that he only wanted you and the idea made more sense over time when he started to really fall in love with you. 

But today, as you cradled Twin A, now known as your first daughter, in your arms, the reason was much clearer. Nobody else would love him but you and his presumed children, Kylo expected all four of you to love him because nobody else would. He craved love, and he had nobody to blame but himself, at least that’s just what you were thinking at the moment. There were more angles to the situation, ones that you should have considered instead of just looking at Kylo as a loser who deserved no love, but you just couldn’t when you were finally holding one of your twins that you had waited so long to see.

Your daughter was born on July 8th at about 6 am, after pushing for an hour and a half she made her way into this big world, her father being dragged out of the room unconscious. When the incident occurred you were mortified, everyone's attention went from you to Kylo as his body made a harsh thud on the ground, nurses stepping away from him as to not get crushed by his huge form. You only had a moment to look at him passed out on the floor before another painful contraction took over your body and prompted you to push again, you made a mental note to harass him about it later.

Your daughter stirred in your arms, she was three hours old and 5 pounds 7 ounces, belly full of breast milk that had come straight from your breast--not a bottle or a pump. She was an eating champ and you were excited to breastfeed this time around. 

You felt yourself about to fall asleep, being in labor and giving birth is like running a marathon, you’re always exhausted in the end. Your daughter wasn’t helping either, sleeping so peacefully with her little lips parted, her breathing soft and even. She was peaceful, you were peaceful, until the door flew open and hit the rubber stopper with a heart stopping bang.

You picked your head up and your daughter jumped in your arms, her eyes flying open and looking at you like the world was ending or something. You brought your eyes up and saw none other than Kylo, rushing toward you with an extreme look of fear on your face. “Y/n, I’m so sorry. I am  _ so  _ sorry!” He said, his eyes locked with yours. He brought his arms around your head and pulled you into him as best as he could while you sat in your medical cot. He was going on and on about his episode, talking about how embarrassing it was for him and about how he wished he could have prevented it. You could feel your daughter moving in your arms, becoming uncomfortable with her father’s noise and movements--You also wondered how Kylo had not seen her yet.

“Shhh” You wiggled your way free from his grasp and asked him as kindly as you could to be quiet, your daughter began to calm herself in your arms. It was then Kylo realized that one of his new babies was in the same room with him. His eyes went wide and his mouth fell open as he focused all of his attention on his daughter, wrapped up in a white hospital blanket with a little pink hat on her head, snuggled warmly and contently in your arms. 

Kylo said nothing as he held his arms out to you, not looking at you as you allowed him to hold his first daughter in his arms for the first time. “Be gentle, please.” You weren’t aware of his history with newborn babies, you half expected him to pick her up and either immediately drop her to break her in half someway somehow. 

You weren’t sure if he heard your thoughts or your words, if he did he paid them no mind. The look of awe and captivation on his face spoke volumes, the way he looked at his daughter, tears forming in his eyes and falling down his cheeks told you Kylo couldn’t possibly have loved anyone faster than he loved his daughter. The sight made even you smile, you still were indifferent about Kylo and you still wanted nothing to do with him after he embarrassed you in the labor room, but he had never looked at you like this, he had never looked at Griffin like this, it was an all new look for him that was made up of nothing but love and adoration at the very first sight of his daughter.

“She’s, she’s perfect.” Kylo stammered, tears still cascading over his lips. “My daughter, my perfect little girl.” Kylo gently set his forehead on hers just as she was opening her eyes to see her dad, right then and there Kylo began crying the happiest of tears. “Oh, Kylo please don’t start.” You said, feeling your own tears beginning to form as well. You’d be lying if you said you didn’t cry just as Kylo was right now when they placed her on your chest seconds after she was born. But you didn’t want to sympathize with Kylo, didn’t want to admit that the two of you shared the same feelings when it came to your first daughter. Kylo had been nothing but helpful during your labor and 99 percent of your pregnancy, but you were still stubborn enough to not want him anywhere near you or your two new children at all.

After a few more moments of pure bliss and love Kylo lifted his head from his daughters head, two twin red marks on both of their foreheads left in his wake. “Wait, something’s wrong.” He said, sniffling his tears away. While holding his daughter in his arms he walked around your bed to the baby cot that the nurses used to transfer her from the nursery to your room, it seemed as if he had just realized you were pregnant with twins and he was missing one baby. You watched him as he looked for Twin B in the little baby aquarium, took another look around as if you were hiding his other child behind a pillow or under the bed. 

“Where is the other child?” He asked, cradling your daughter to him even closer. It was as if he was worried someone had taken his other child and he was worried someone was coming for his other one. 

At Kylo’s worried expression, your happy tears that were now drying were turning to dismal ones. Kylo watched your face drop, your tears began flowing once again as you thought of Twin B, who became known as your second son. Your jaw quivered, Kylo set your daughter down in her cot and began making his way over to you. “Y/n, what happened to the second child? Tell me!” Your tears were triumphant over your words, and as Kylo seized your shoulders and began to shake you back and forth you became even more fearful over what to say about your son.

“Tell me what happened damn it!” Kylo’s emotions were at an all time high, it was like he was on a rollercoaster. First he was extremely concerned, then he was consumed by happiness and joy over seeing his daughter, then worry once again, and now extreme anger--which he was taking out on you with his daughter no more than five feet away. The only thing he succeeded in doing was scaring you, making your tears come uncontrollably fast as you clawed at his arms and tried to push him off of you. He seemed to have gotten the idea, especially when your daughter began crying from in the corner. 

Kylo turned to look at her, then looked back at you, sorrow and regret in his eyes. His grip loosened on the collar of your hospital gown as the both of you tried to relax. You had assumed because Kylo made a promise to keep his hands off of you during your pregnancy his promise ended now, three hours after giving birth--that’s why he thought it was acceptable to shake you and demand answered in front of his infant daughter.

As the room was filled with nothing but your daughter's small wails Kylo stepped away from you, as he did you shook your head, completely disappointed in him and in yourself for even allowing him to do something so cruel in front of his own daughter. He dropped his head in his hands as he turned and walked away, rubbing the tears out of his face and walking sadly to the window. “Did my other child die?” He asked solemnly. “He might die.” Was all you said, and it was the truth, the cold hearted, miserable, terrifying truth.

Kylo had made it clear to the doctors, midwives, and nurses that they were to do what they could to avoid a C section. Including pressure you to push a breech positioned baby boy out against your wishes. It would have been much safer to deliver him via C section, but Kylo had forbidden it. So after your daughter was born they gave him a minute to try and switch positions with all the new room he had with his sister gone, but nothing happened. So they urged you to push, and push fast. There was no time for resting in between contractions, no time for water or for vomiting or anything that was not going to get your son out faster. 

His feet came out first, they gently grabbed and pulled along with your pushes until he had been born, a full hour after your daughter. He wasn’t crying, he was blue, cold, and was not moving. Not only was his cord prolapsed, causing him to be born with no oxygen, but it was wrapped around his neck as well. 

The room was dangerously quiet as they pulled him free, everyone moved quickly to save his life. You watched as a mask was placed on his face that his doctor was blowing air into to fill his lungs for him. Someone was performing CPR on him with their two fingers to his small chest. It was horrifying, the even quieter room after the hoards of people left with your unresponsive baby in a cot left you feeling cold and alone, left you thinking of your oldest son back at home and about his terrible birth. It was like Griffin all over again, you’d be spending the next few days or even weeks wondering if your son was going to live; Only this time there was someone to blame. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Griffin 2.0, sad.


	32. A Snapshot in Time

It was a night where the entire family was able to spend in your little hospital room. Griffin was sleeping cuddled up next to you in your medical cot, Kylo was sleeping sitting up in the leather chair in the corner, and your daughter slept in the bassinet in between the two of you, guarded by both of her loving parents. The nurses had promised that they would be bringing your son by some time tonight and Kylo wanted so badly to meet him. You weren’t as thrilled to be having a closer look at him, yes you loved the boy with all of your heart but you weren’t eager to see him just as you had seen his older brother. You told Kylo about your birth experience with Griffin, all the wires, stickers, needles, you warned him that it would be scary and it would be hard to look at--even for you with all of your experience. Kylo gawked at you, finally tearing his gaze from your pretty little princess. “None of that matters, he needs to see his family.” He said, cutting his eyes at you as he looked back at the baby in his lap. You did nothing but stare, wondering momentarily if you were just too emotional or if Kylo was as heartless as he sounded.

Kylo had gone to retrieve Griffin after a few hours of spending time with his favorite women, the minute Griffin spied the small bundle in the baby aquarium his eyes lit up and it seemed like his grin stretched from ear to ear. “The babies! The babies! The babies!” Griffin ran up to the bassinet and shouted, to which Kylo had to come up behind him and cover his mouth. “Shhh, you must be quiet son. Babies don’t like it when you're loud.” He warned, releasing the hold on his mouth revealing Griffin's eager smile once more. Your daughter turned her head as Griffin finally quieted down, Griffin began bouncing on his feet as she opened his eyes to see him.

“My baby!” Griffin said, lunging excitedly toward her bassinet. Kylo caught him, lifted him up to view the small child from above and her eyes followed them. “It’s your little sister, Griffin.” Kylo said, with a smile on his face Griffin simply said that she was “so beautiful.”

Griffin absolutely did not want to leave his new sibling to go back home and sleep, so you and Kylo agreed to let him stay for one night, then he’d have to go back with the droid. It wouldn't be a huge issue, you and your daughter were set to be discharged in two more days, it was more for just convenience and to allow you to have a few more good sleeps before having to go home and tend to two newborns at one time. This is how you ended up so uncomfortable in your own hospital bed, Griffin passed out on your shoulder as you eyeballed the bassinet where your unnamed daughter slept, waiting for her to wake and wail for some food, waking everyone else in the room in the process.

While you waited you thought on names for your new children. Kylo had briefly mentioned something about names to you earlier before going to pick up your first son, but it didn’t actually stick in your mind. You didn’t exactly care about their names right now, all you wanted was for your son to heal and get better.

There was a knock on the door that drew your attention from your idle thoughts to the entrance, it was a nurse that was carting another baby bassinet through the door. She saw that the lights were out and stopped cold in her tracks, looking on at you for guidance on what to do next. You looked over at Kylo who was still asleep in his chair, then decided that maybe it would be a good idea to have a better look at your son alone, without Kylo breathing down your neck and further making your nerves stand on end. You nodded at her, then slowly and quietly you made your way out of your hospital bed and tiptoed into the hallway, thankful that your hospital gown was fully buttoned so no one could see your always so sexy and comfortable mesh panties. 

There was your son, hooked up to fewer cables and wires than Griffin was when he was first born. Coming in at 5 pounds 2 ounces he was the smaller of your two babies and he had to fight the hardest to stay alive due to his father’s cocky attitude. He had a tube of oxygen going into his nose, that you recognized from Griffin. He had a pulse ox monitor and a heart rate monitor on both of his ankles, you were happy to see that his skin tone was beginning to match his sisters now. You thought that perhaps he would make it out a little bit better than Griffin did. He wouldn’t be abnormally small like his older brother and wouldn’t be so late on his milestones. After all, even though he weighed much less than a normal baby would, he and his sister were both full term.

“He’s thriving, Mrs. Ren.” The nurse said as she picked him up and began to hand him to you. “He’s doing much better than yesterday, we’ll want to keep him an extra day just to make sure his oxygen levels will be stable. But other than that he’s doing just fine.” You cradled your son in your arms, holding him close as he began to whimper at the new contact and smell of your breastmilk. This was the first time you got to hold him, and it was just as an amazing feeling as it was when you first held Griffin and your daughter, you just couldn’t believe you had created something so perfect, so small, and so fragile.

Suddenly the nurse looked over your shoulder, her eyes grew wide and she took a step back as Kylo stepped behind you from the shadows. You turned around, seeing Kylo’s tired face looking in your arms at your newest son. Unlike his sister, his hair was very thin, still black, but he had less hair than she did. He was small, his arms bent at the sides of his head as to give the nurses easy access to the wires on his chest and his arms, Kylo looked so unimpressed. 

The three of you moved to a nearby bench, one close enough to so that you could keep an eye on your door, afraid someone would sweep in and kidnap your two other children that slept soundly in the dark. You sat with your chin on your palm, observing your son move so gently in Kylo’s arms while Kylo seemed to just barely be holding himself together. “Why is he like this, y/n?” Kylo said, barely an octave above a whisper. “Why does he look so weak?” You cracked a smile, a small and innocent smile. You couldn’t stand Kylo, but since he had given you your new babies as well as your first, you had to put up with him in this moment, and putting up with him meant putting up with his unnecessary questions. “Why do you think he’s weak?” You asked, and it was an honest question. “Just look at him, he’s so small, he’s got all of these wires, and these things on his feet.” Kylo said, you watched a small tear fall from his eye.

“Those things don’t make him weak, Kylo. They make him stronger.” Kylo blinked, then looked up at you like you had just spoken another language. “Why aren’t you upset? Our son is sitting here like a damn pincushion and you're sitting her smiling like it's amusing to you.” Kylo asked in an accusatory tone, as if you telling him that his son was much stronger than he expected had burst his high and mighty bubble. “I’ve lived through this once without you, Kylo. Griffin was far worse than him.” Flashbacks of Finn crying in the halls of the hospital hit you, images of the first time you had seen him rolled into your mind. Instead of being red, this child is of a healthy skin tone, instead of a spiderweb of wires this child only had three. You had such high hopes for him, much higher hopes than you had for Griffin. Kylo hadn’t seen anything yet.

Kylo sighed as he looked back down at his second son, now beginning to fall asleep in his strong arms. He shook his head, he sighed heavily and you could tell he regretted what he said to you previously. “Don’t be afraid.” Kylo whispered, you couldn't tell if he was speaking to you, your son, or himself. “Daddy’s got you.” He lifted the child’s forehead to his lips and kissed him, just as he did with your daughter. More tears spilled down his cheeks, and now you truly felt bad for having him miss out on the birth of his first child. “Daddy won’t ever let anything hurt you, daddy won’t let anything or anyone take you away from him.” His tears came faster and faster as even he seemed to realize what he had missed as well, you couldn’t stop yourself from tearing up as well. 

This man, Kylo Ren, knew no love before he had stolen you. You thought for sure you wouldn’t and couldn’t love him, that he had such a warped perception of love that would result in him being lonely for the rest of his life. You fought so hard to keep Griffin away from him, fearing he’d find a way to brainwash him into loving him just as he did to you, but you were astounded. He spent time with Griffin, curbed his angry ways and forever changed Griffin’s image of him. You couldn’t even think of a time when Kylo upset you or Griffin after you had found out you were pregnant. 

The man that sat next to you was someone you had never seen before. Not even earlier this morning when Kylo had first met his daughter. Someone so love struck by his son, someone who had never experienced birth complications before that was afraid of losing his child. It struck a nerve in you, something inside of you changed that you couldn’t quite put your finger on. It was as if all the confusion, resentment, and anger inside of you faded away, now that you saw Kylo having a melt down over his healing son you knew what true Kylo love looked like.

It was a love you had never seen before, not from your parents, not from Kylo, or anyone on the compound. A type of love that you never thought Kylo could give. You wondered if Kylo forcing you to have more children for him had something to do with him needing to feel this remarkable feeling of love for someone, you even wondered if you loved these two new children as much as he did. You sat back and watched, simply observing how Kylo handled the small child so lovingly. The sight brought tears to your eyes just as you heard your daughter beginning to stir in the other room.

Wordlessly you got up, trotted into your hospital room and picked her up, cuddling her as to quiet her before she woke Griffin. But it was already too late, Griffin sat wide awake in his little red pajamas on your medical cot. “Mommy, baby sister woke me up.” Griffin said, you smiled at him, motioning for him to jump out of bed and to follow you out into the hallway to be with the rest of his family. Kylo hadn’t even looked up from his son when you reappeared next to him, sitting down as gently as you could and finally bringing the twins together right where they belonged. 

“Look, son. There’s your sister and your big brother.” Kylo said, sitting the child up so that he could see the rest of his family. “And there’s your beautiful mother. She’s going to take such good care of you and your sister, you are so lucky to have her.” 

“And me too!” Griffin said! Leaning on Kylo’s legs to get a better look at his baby brother. “Big brother is going to take care of you and teach you how to play tag and all the fun games!” Both Kylo and you giggled at Griffin who excitedly looked on at his brother and sister, you wondered when they would start showing their Force abilities as well. “We’re going to live together like one happy family, and I’m going to take care of all of you, keep you safe from harm and make sure all four of you are happy.” Kylo said with a shaky breath, and you didn’t have any reason to doubt him.

The last nine months had been fine, you hadn’t carried any bruises or bumps, no scrapes or cuts and neither had Griffin, in fact, you’d almost go as far as to say you enjoyed your time on Star Killer base with Kylo. You shook, remembering how Kylo would rub your sore back when the Twins would get to heavy, or pick things up for you and tie your shoes for you when your belly protruded further than it ever had with Griffin. You had the hardest time admitting it to yourself, but in this emotionally charged moment you had no choice:

You loved Kylo Ren once again.

He had earned your love, your real love from you once again. Not through sex, not through expensive gifts, through loving you and Griffin. He took time every day to train Griffin in the Force, to laugh and play his silly games with him, to take him to the playground every few days and let him run off his energy. He took the time to make sure you were comfortable, to ask you about your day and tell you about his as well. There were times when Kylo was stressed, when he’d come home so angry the only thing he could do was escape into the bedroom and punch a hole in the wall or yell into a pillow, but he always made sure to come back out calmly as to not upset you or Griffin, and he went out of his way to help you teach Griffin about how to handle his emotions as well. 

When no one wanted to take him to the playground it was fine for him to be angry and upset, but it was not okay for him to yell and throw things around, a habit he had picked up from Kylo as he never got angry enough to throw things back at home. When Griffin was angry you and Kylo tried to calm him down, held him in your arms and told him how much you loved him and about how you hated seeing him so upset. When he was done throwing a fit he’d always say he was sorry, and when the two of you were alone he would say he never wanted to do it again, he felt too much like “the first Kylo Ren.” 

“I don’t deserve any of this.” Kylo’s melodramatic words brought you from your memories, and you looked up just in time to see his gaze break from his second son to his first. “I don’t deserve any of you, I don’t understand how I got so lucky to have been allowed to have such a beautiful family.” You blinked, pushing the thought of your abduction to the back of your mind. You sighed, even though your love for Kylo had built back up over the last few months, there was still your past that you would have a hard time getting over. But now was not the time, you wanted to be happy as you were surrounded by those that you loved and who loved you unconditionally. 

You snuggled your daughter just as Griffin leaned on Kylo’s knee. “Yes you do daddy! You deserve me because I love you, and I love mommy, and I love baby brother and I love baby sister!” With the mention of each member of his family Griffin tapped some part of them, then looked up at Kylo with the cheesiest smile on his face. At that Kylo broke down into tears. 

“I love you too, son.” Kylo said, shifting your second son in his one arm so he could hold Griffin close to him with the other. “I love you more than you could ever imagine.” 

“I love you too daddy!” Griffin said into Kylo’s chest. You wiped a tear from your eye, this was your family, your family that was bound with love just as Kylo wanted it to be. 

“Uh, excuse me Commander?” An unfamiliar voice broke your lovely family moment and cause all three of you to look up. It was a nurse, you had assumed she was ready to take your son back for more monitoring in the NICU. “I hope that I’m not interrupting anything important, but word has gotten out that the Commander’s twins have been born and everyone on the base is dying to see what they look like.” She smiled shyly as she produced a small camera from behind her back. You expected Kylo to angrily tell her to leave, that no one deserved to see his family so soon after his twins were born and he’d kill the person who leaked the news in the first place.

But once again, he surprised you. 

“Absolutely.” He said, wiping his eyes and turning Griffin out of his grasp. You looked at him strangely, now realizing that he loved his family so much he was ready to show them off to anyone that wanted to see them. It was probably well after midnight, your hair looked awful and Griffin was in his pajamas, the last thing you wanted to do was take a damn picture.

But it really didn’t matter, because you wanted Kylo to finally be happy. You shifted your daughter to the opposite arm, closer to her twin brother that sat in Kylo’s arm and told Griffin to move in between you two. He obeyed with a happy grin on his face, settling himself in between your knee as well as Kylo’s and smiling even bigger. “Perfect.” The nurse whispered, smiling behind the camera. “What a beautiful family.” 

You smiled as wide as you could, you were still tired and was sure your eyes were still red just as Kylo’s were from the happy tears that you shed. You had decided that after this picture was taken it would be time to make an effort with your family, not just for you or the kids, but for Kylo as well. Contrary to what he said, he deserved every ounce of love you knew he’d pull in from his new children. The camera was a blank being fired for a race, as soon as the flash went off and this moment was captured forever, then it would be a mad dash to your happy ending that you knew you deserved. The photo that would be produced would capture the moment you decided to be happy and love yourself as well as all of your family members, your husband included.

“Alright, Ren family. On the count of three…

“One…

“Two..

“Three!”

“Cheese!” Griffin exclaimed, loudly and proudly, the flash went off as you were basking in its glow. This was the start of a bright, beautiful beginning for you and your entire family, you were sure of it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story wasn't supposed to end here, but this just seemed like the perfect place to end it. The more I thought about the events of the final story, the more I kept having this nagging feeling of needing to end the second story in this exact moment. I hope you enjoyed, dear readers, because I enjoyed writing it for you!  
> The twins do have names as well as two fates, so don't think they're going to be minor characters. Also, fun fact, the daughter was supposed to be a boy named Kingston, but I decided last minute that he was going to be a she, for reasons stated in the final installment.  
> Don't forget there's still one more story, then we can really call this series a wrap! 
> 
> Much Love as always, Jenn Noir


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